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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told off for serving olives and chicken?

438 replies

justonanote · 04/04/2022 18:14

I invited a friend's DD to my house. She and one of her friend's had been invited to a wedding and they were going to go together

I offered to have her DD and casually offered to have her friend's DD too. She jumped at the chance and was very enthusiastic.

This was all a very last minute arrangement and both seemed grateful to have childcare sorted

They were gone before lunch time but would be back before 6 so was told they'd sort dinner.

I briefly mentioned what to give for lunch and my own friend didn't actually say but I know her DD very well so just gave her what I know she would eat. No problems.

However, my friend's friend said 'oh just a cheese sandwich will do fine! Thanks again for having her'

I made a chicken curry. Both girls ate it and then wanted some seconds Blush we also had some olives randomly and a snack in the early evening

Friend's friend rang me once her DD was home with her screaming! I was completely shocked and not sure what she was talking about at first. Then she was cleared and said 'YOU GAVE RACH CHICKEN?! She is veggie!!!!! You could've damaged her stomach! She isn't use to meat'

I apologies profusely and said how sorry I was. It was a genuine mistake. She then said 'And the olives?! A choking hazard aren't they?!'

I again apologised but said I didn't realise it was wrong. I then said I won't have her again so there's no need to worry any further. She started screaming again and I hang up.

This was Sunday night. I haven't heard from my friend (who's child I know better and am actually close with). Her phone goes to VM and WhatsApp messages aren't double ticking

Was I really that Unreasonable? I really really didn't even think she could be veggie Sad

To make matters worse, my own child has a severe disability and he doesn't eat meat. I feel so bad.

OP posts:
LittleMissTeacup · 04/04/2022 21:50

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all OP. Mum should have been clearer that she was veggie, other than the statement about a cheese sandwich and at 8, she should have been able to inform you herself IMO. You were wonderful and lovely in all of this - you looked after them and fed them for free.

UniversalAunt · 04/04/2022 21:51

Kids trade food at school. Many a cold sausage has been swapped with a chunk of cheddar.

pinkpantherpink · 04/04/2022 21:52

YANBU

She sounds like a cow. Should have told you she was vegetarian. And she's 9 not 9 months.... re olives

WimpoleHat · 04/04/2022 21:52

However, my friend's friend said 'oh just a cheese sandwich will do fine! Thanks again for having her'*

Surely that’s “British” for “Please don’t go to a lot of trouble about food”. It does not equate to “My child has a specific and absolutely non-negotiable dietary requirement”. Especially when you’re talking to someone you don’t know very well and is doing you a huge favour. Different (perhaps) if you were addressing a paid childcare provider who looked after your kid on a regular basis and to whom you usually gave detailed instructions about what/what not to eat. The other mother sounds ungrateful and ridiculous.

Shinytaps · 04/04/2022 21:54

@CatsArePeople

you CF friend needs to give her head a wobble. Maybe Rach doesn't want to be a veggie anymore
100% this 👌🏻😂.

Your friend and your friend’s friend are seriously CFs

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 04/04/2022 21:58

8 yo and olives are a hazard? I thought you were going to say they were 18months or something. Please don't feel bad this woman is just a nightmare at best. She was negligent in not mentioning her daughter's dietary restrictions.

gogohm · 04/04/2022 21:59

My kids had friends who were vegetarian at home but would ask for meat dishes if at a party etc - their parents knew this (their dad wasn't vegetarian and took them to McDonald's etc)

whynotwhatknot · 04/04/2022 21:59

i hate people like this-you do them a favour then they throw it back in your face when they didnt make the dietary rquirement clear

yu cold have given her cheese sandwich yeah but what if you had run out and gave her ham your not bloody psychic

and an 8 year old knows when they dont eat meat

Cheeseandlobster · 04/04/2022 22:00

Rachs mum was breathtakingly rude. She never told you about Rach being veggie and had the cheek to scream at you. How dare she? You were doing her a massive favour. I hope she sees this thread and realises what an absolute cf she is / was

RosesAndHellebores · 04/04/2022 22:03

OP if it's any consolation many many years ago, I had a child home for tea. Lovely girl, lovely family. I gave them home made beef burgers. Said child wolfed down one and asked for another and gobbled that down too. I almost saw her cheeks turn pink and healthy.

At picking up time her mother said "I did tell you we are vegetarian didn't I. "Gosh no said I or if I did, I didn't hear". "Ah well she said, I hope yours likes lentils when she comes to mine."

No harm.done and an example of good manners and grace".

When I collected dd from hers dd said "oh mummy, it was tasteless brown lumps but I said it was nice and I had a big lunch like you taught me, is there dinner left at ours". Out of earshot of course.

She's a nutter op. Nod and smile and move swiftly on.

RosesAndHellebores · 04/04/2022 22:04

PS chicken and olives sound superb Grin

ThePelicansBriefs · 04/04/2022 22:08

Absolutely not your fault. The parent should have told you any specific dietary requirements. Like I’m assuming she informed the school rather than expecting her child to say to the dinner ladies? I can see why you feel like you have to second guess yourself but it would only be your fault if you’d been informed beforehand and ignored it.

Ionlydomassiveones · 04/04/2022 22:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Herejustforthisone · 04/04/2022 22:22

They have behaved appallingly. Truly. They should be so ashamed. What a pair of cunts. (I really tried not to sweat, but honestly).

JudgeJ · 04/04/2022 22:24

@justonanote

Well the thing is... I'm thinking, I didn't actually ensure she wasn't veggie? And it isn't uncommon? So maybe I am in the wrong for that
The mother should have told you that her child was vegetarian, in the same way she would have told you if she had a peanut allergy etc. Gratitude seems to be a 4-letter word for many.
WhoKnewWho · 04/04/2022 22:27

Fuck 'em.

It all sounds a bit premenstrually meditated.

You did nothing wrong. Put the negativity back on their shoulders.

Do not engage. You have nothing to chase them for.

FairyPolkadot · 04/04/2022 22:27

‘I won't have her again so there's no need to worry any further’ was a perfect and very polite response. Rach’s mother sounds like a controlling person and also slightly reminiscent of Catherine Tate’s ‘posh mum’!

listsandbudgets · 04/04/2022 22:28

You did nothing wrong OP You should have been told should she was vegetarian and it was very ki d of younto look after the girls all day.

Posts like this take me back to DDs 4th birthday party. A girl who I didn't know.that well was dropped off by her mum. Most parents stayed. About an hour into the party the girls mum called and left a message to inform me her dd was vegetarian AND allergic to eggs and wheat .. pretty essential information you'd think? Unfortunately I didn't see the message was there until about 10 minutes later when they'd all sat down to eat.

Raced over to find said child scoffing sausage rolls and fairy cakes.. had to take it all away and give her cheese salad. Thankfully if there were any ill effects I never heard about them but still felt awful and it haunts my dreams 12 years later!!!

babywalker56 · 04/04/2022 22:28

Because I didn't know of any diet restrictions so just made us all something far better

Fair enough. I don’t even think diet restrictions need to come into it tho. If someone asked me what they could feed my DD and I say ‘oh just give her a ham sandwich’ and I come back and they’ve given her steak and chips, I’d just think ‘ok so what was the point in asking me what to give her then.’ Do you get what I mean?

The whole set up sounds bizzare anyway. You hardly know this person and you’ve offered to do a favour yet she didn’t pack a lunch for her DD? Then she calls you screaming on the phone even when you’ve apologised. And then on top of that your friend isn’t even responding back to you. Such a strange situation.

I also get the comments saying ‘surely just saying oh give her a cheese sandwich is just a polite way of saying don’t go to any extra effort’ etc. I would have taken it literally but can see how it may have come across that way

BOOTS52 · 04/04/2022 22:29

You did nothing wrong at all and went out of your way to have her child also so you did them both a big favour and they should have gotten you some chocs or wine if you enjoy a glass. She was probably drunk and sounds mad as hell. Not the end of the world if she had chicken as you did not know and cooked them a nice meal and the child ate seconds so obviously enjoyed it. Different if the mother told you no meat but she didn't. I would have just thanked you for minding my child and got you a small gift and would not have went off on one as it was my mistake. Pass no heed you sound too nice and helped them out. Has your friend contacted you since.

AlwaysLatte · 04/04/2022 22:31

The age of the child is really key. Primary aged friends, I'd always check with the mum that what I'd planned would be suitable, given possible allergies, food preferences etc . Secondary age I don't, but I do check with the kids themselves.

HanSB · 04/04/2022 22:32

I really cannot understand people who don't think to mention dietary requirements and then have the audacity to complain about it afterwards. Don't give it another thought OP, your friend and her friend were both out of order after you have looked after their children and fed them decently. It's the mother and child's fault (if old enough to understand) for not bringing it up.

Mind you there are people with actual allergies who don't seem to check and care about their own health. My catering company delivered a meal which clearly had peanuts sprinkled on top and listed in the menu description and labelled ingredients as an allergen yet someone allergic still ordered and ate it. Bonkers!

JudgeJ · 04/04/2022 22:33

@Grimed

You agreed to a cheese sandwich and then gave her chicken? Why?
My daughter will say Oh, throw him a jam butty if I'm doing an unexpected childcare stint. Of course I don't, he has a proper meal.
Fairunibutterfly · 04/04/2022 22:35

I think yanbu.

I’m veggie as are my 8 and 6yo kids. My 8yo would tell someone she’s veggie, in fact all her friends happen to know she’s veggie so it must be mentioned in school.

If my kids go to any party or a friend’s house no one asks for their dietary requirements, I make sure to tell the the parents my dd’s are veggie and offer to bring a cheese sandwich.

It’s really the friend’s friend fault for not making you aware and unfair of your friend to block you. You did them both a favour and none of them told you the girl was veggie.

Telling you just to give a cheese sandwich means to me “don’t go to any trouble”, it doesn’t tell you the kid’s a veggie. In this situation I’d have packed the girl a veggie lunch so you don’t have to go to trouble as you may not have many veggie options.

Most of the friends of both my girls are not veggie so I don’t think it’s as common as you may think.

If this was me (the veggie mum) I’d be devastated but blaming myself for not telling you, I wouldn’t blame you.

JudgeJ · 04/04/2022 22:35

@gogohm

My kids had friends who were vegetarian at home but would ask for meat dishes if at a party etc - their parents knew this (their dad wasn't vegetarian and took them to McDonald's etc)
A bit like my daughter's boyfriend, a bacon butty then off to the Mosque, with tic-tacs.
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