AIBU but is still hurts not being invited to a wedding as partner

[Sn0wWhite]

My partner has a grown up daughter, and initially he assumed that I'd be coming with him to the wedding. Unfortunately his daughter had other plans. She isn't inviting her mother's partner or her father's partner (me) to the wedding on the logic that she doesn't know where to seat us.

My partner and I spend a lot of time together but he has work overseas, so we are not always together - so that ads a bit of context. It is "her day" and I guess she wants her parent's there. Not their partners sitting at the head of the table (?)

But still - it's human to feel upset and hurt at being excluded. My partner has expressed his unhappiness to his daughter about this, and we are both feeling sad that I cannot enjoy this important day with him. I will have to watch from the sidelines. The wedding is out of town, and I will not be going. So at least it feels like that puts some distance from the whole thing.

It is hard to feel happy about it. He does a lot for her, and I feel like there is no respect being shown towards me. I just want to be heard out.

It’s not really about you is it! The brides day! I wouldn’t be upset at all, her wedding and she invites who you chooses to, she’s not invited her mothers partner either! Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest

I think its bloody rude! You put mums new partner and dads new partner on a table together. Pretending mummy and daddy are still a couple is a sad effort from someone old enough to get married.

I can understand this.
She could have easily seated you and her mother's partner on a table ( not top).
She sounds mean and immature.
My partner was 65 a few years ago , his kids invited him for a meal without me (23 years together ) 🙄

@PonyPatter44

I think its bloody rude! You put mums new partner and dads new partner on a table together. Pretending mummy and daddy are still a couple is a sad effort from someone old enough to get married.

@PonyPatter44 You can't put the mums new partner and dad's new partner together! That doesn't work. It's awkward and insulting, having them sit alone together like that. That's why you don't invite new partners of the parents.

@pigsDOfly

I don't understand why so many poster are giving you such a hard time OP.

Most people get to bring a + one to a wedding and as you've been together for five years I think it's very odd and nasty not to invite you.

However, I don't understand all the posts about being on the top table. Surely no one who isn't part of the bridal party i.e. bride and groom, brides maids, grooms men and parents should be on the top table. So why would the OP be seated at the top table.

A lot of people no longer have a top table for this very reason so that there's no awkwardness about who is to be placed on it.

@pigsDOfly Most people still have a top table because of the format and for speeches.

Also the OP was very hateful and nasty about the daughter, suggesting she was a gold-digger and social climber. It's clear the daughter sees through the OP and good on her.

Yanbu at all, is your dp contributing to the wedding financially? Even if not it's shockingly bad manners and immature to only invite her parents and not her parents partners. I'm surprised her parents have not said anything to her about it?

At my wedding, my dad's partner and my step dad sat at the top table. And I wasn't close to my dad's partner.

It’s not about you though. Let your dsd have her day. Your disappointment isn’t because you want to see your dsd marry, it’s because your DP is going to be somewhere without you, and you feel your position in the Family has been ignored.

Yeah OP I am with you here. I also hold the belief that partners and plus ones should be invited to a wedding.
Personally I would never invite someone to my wedding and not give them the option of a plus one - especially not my own parent!

She wants her parents to be alone on her wedding day? Obviously they will know other family members but it’s odd is it not? That they are being forced to be alone?

I personally couldn’t give a crap about seating plans etc, all that would matter to me is that my parents enjoyed themselves and could celebrate with me, happy and content.

I honestly couldn’t imagine being a person who wouldn’t invite my parents long term partner…
What an odd world some people inhabit.

OP, take it in your stride. Plan a nice day trip or weekend away with your DP for another time and just be pleased that you are perfectly entitled now to step back from trying to win this woman over.
Smile and be polite but don’t give her another thought past that. She doesn’t want the relationship you’ve tried to cultivate - fine. Saves you the bother.

Let’s hope any future step children or in laws don’t treat her so shabbily.

@Googlecanthelpme

Yeah OP I am with you here. I also hold the belief that partners and plus ones should be invited to a wedding. Personally I would never invite someone to my wedding and not give them the option of a plus one - especially not my own parent!

She wants her parents to be alone on her wedding day? Obviously they will know other family members but it’s odd is it not? That they are being forced to be alone?

I personally couldn’t give a crap about seating plans etc, all that would matter to me is that my parents enjoyed themselves and could celebrate with me, happy and content.

I honestly couldn’t imagine being a person who wouldn’t invite my parents long term partner…
What an odd world some people inhabit.

OP, take it in your stride. Plan a nice day trip or weekend away with your DP for another time and just be pleased that you are perfectly entitled now to step back from trying to win this woman over.
Smile and be polite but don’t give her another thought past that. She doesn’t want the relationship you’ve tried to cultivate - fine. Saves you the bother.

Let’s hope any future step children or in laws don’t treat her so shabbily.

@Googlecanthelpme Her parents won't be alone, that's the point. They will both be at the top table. OP can't be at the top table. So if OP goes, SHE will be sitting alone. While her partner is, as Father of the Bride, sitting at the Top Table.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I’m with Narcissa on this one.

I get why you are hurting, and it might explain some of the less gushing comments you have made. After 5 years it is a rejection and that can sting.

The wealthy in-laws comment maybe wasn’t necessary but would confirm that it wasn’t down to budgetary constraints.

You didn’t even need to be top table and nor did the mum’s partner.

It isn’t just about being kind or nice and doing what is easy. Just maybe it would have been considerate. And would have given her parents a chance to share their joy with those they love now.

Yes it is her day and she has done what she wants, and that is fine. More than fine.

Just not necessarily the best option.

@Googlecanthelpme

Yeah OP I am with you here. I also hold the belief that partners and plus ones should be invited to a wedding. Personally I would never invite someone to my wedding and not give them the option of a plus one - especially not my own parent!

She wants her parents to be alone on her wedding day? Obviously they will know other family members but it’s odd is it not? That they are being forced to be alone?

I personally couldn’t give a crap about seating plans etc, all that would matter to me is that my parents enjoyed themselves and could celebrate with me, happy and content.

I honestly couldn’t imagine being a person who wouldn’t invite my parents long term partner…
What an odd world some people inhabit.

OP, take it in your stride. Plan a nice day trip or weekend away with your DP for another time and just be pleased that you are perfectly entitled now to step back from trying to win this woman over.
Smile and be polite but don’t give her another thought past that. She doesn’t want the relationship you’ve tried to cultivate - fine. Saves you the bother.

Let’s hope any future step children or in laws don’t treat her so shabbily.

Are you a millionaire that could afford for double the number of guests to attend a wedding?

We are not so fortunate. We can't even invite everyone we want to because our finances won't allow it, and it's not a fancy wedding by any stretch.

In many cases people with a modest budget wouldn't be able to afford to have a wedding at all if it was compulsory to give everyone a plus one.

@Sn0wWhite

TBH, what you call the "snide remarks" comes from a point of reference and tried to ignore the fact that she is marrying into an INCREDIBLY wealthy family that falls in line with her career aspirations..

Sorry if you think am being petty, but it felt like "rejection" because I was not "cool" enough to make the cut. So I feel like the crappy person who doesn't get the invite. God, no I would never ever say anything to her. I came her to find some advice to manage my own stupid feelings. :(
I don't want to react towards her at all.

What a totally unnecessary bitchy comment. Yeah, I would not invite your entitled arse either!

Yes, she is all about having an easy, easy life ...

TBH, what you call the "snide remarks" comes from a point of reference and tried to ignore the fact that she is marrying into an INCREDIBLY wealthy family that falls in line with her career aspirations..

Are you sure this isn't more about you feeling insecure because after 5 years of being in a relationship with his father, he hasn't asked you to marry him? So being invited to his daughter's wedding would somehow make you "official"?

What on earth do her "career aspirations" remark and the wealth of her fiance got to do with you?

Sorry if you think am being petty, but it felt like "rejection" because I was not "cool" enough to make the cut

Its really not that important to feel like this. Surely you have a completely separate social life that keeps you busy enough not to bother. You aren't being treated any differently from her mother's partner, but these people are from a completely different generation to you and they don't necessarily follow the "rules" of your generation with regards to who they invite to their wedding.

You barely know her, so this shouldn't be that important to you. I'd have a good long think if I were you about how insecure your own partner is making you feel in this relationship.

[quote YellowAndGreenToBeSeen]@MichelleScarn this would be easily solved in my family.

Top table - usual suspects.

Circular tables around with Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Step Parents

Circular tables with cousins and godparents.

Rowdy friends at the back.

Not a biggie.

.[/quote]

This is exactly what we did. We included all respective partners when giving gifts to parents for all their help and made sure they were sat with family that they knew and got on with well. I also spoke to the partners in private to make sure they were okay with the arrangements (couldn't extend top table due to venue layout and size, couldn't do a "sweetheart" table and fit everyone else in either) Day went really well and we have photos of the partners smiling and laughing at their respective tables so they can't have been too emotionally scarred by the experience!

I’ve read all your posts OP and I think this is more a self-esteem issue rather than a “disappointed I’m not invited to a wedding” issue.

You say you don’t feel “cool enough” and mention your DP’s DD is marrying into a wealthy family. You might not realise, but these comments come across as bitter and jealous from an outside perspective.

Rejection and not feeling good enough is an awful feeling. But you cannot hold your DP’s DD responsible for that. YOU are in control of your own feelings.

I hope you can get support to help you with your self-esteem and confidence. Talk to your DP.

Well, there's nothing you can do. Her day, her choice. It wasn't up to your partner to invite you in the first place, so uninviting you obviously hurt. You do feel excluded, and that's a shame, and it's a pity that you and the other partner weren't invited.
I wouldn't do anything special to "celebrate". The day has gone. However, you will need to find a way forward if you want a relationship with her at all.

Can't honestly believe how mean spirited some of these comments are. OP you sound like a lovely lady and I totally agree that you have every right to feel rejected and hurt. Your step daughter sounds like a complete brat. You've handled a horrible slight with grace and class and you're most assuredly not being petty or in any way entitled. Sending you hugs 😊

It's not your day, do you can't have your own way! stop making a fuss and causing the bride unnecessary stress she has enough to deal with.

I think it’s totally normal to have been looking forward to a fun event with your partner, and to be disappointed you aren’t going to have that.

But beyond that you are being a bit unreasonable and doing a lot of projecting. She’s not inviting her mum’s partner either, so you aren’t being excluded for any personal reason. I don’t think there’s any logical reason to think she is using this to deliberately reject you.

As you say you aren’t close, it may also be she realises you don’t like her, and perhaps she doesn’t much like you. So, added to the fact that her parents are going to be on the top table, and she have to stick you and her mum’s partner on tables somewhere else, and you won’t know anyone.. she’s decided it’s easier not to bother.

I’d just accept that she isn’t interested in having more than the very basics of a relationship, and crack on with your life.

@Sn0wWhite

TBH, what you call the "snide remarks" comes from a point of reference and tried to ignore the fact that she is marrying into an INCREDIBLY wealthy family that falls in line with her career aspirations..

Sorry if you think am being petty, but it felt like "rejection" because I was not "cool" enough to make the cut. So I feel like the crappy person who doesn't get the invite. God, no I would never ever say anything to her. I came her to find some advice to manage my own stupid feelings. :(
I don't want to react towards her at all.

All of this is somewhat at odds with your claims that you just want her to like you; that you and your family are oh so welcoming and kind and you just want the same…

You think that being nice to your partner’s daughter means not actually telling her that you think she’s all about an easy life, and ‘trying to ignore’ that she’s marrying into an INCREDIBLY wealthy family for what you believe are nefarious reasons. What would actually be nice is if you didn’t judge your partner’s daughter in this way; if you gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed she genuinely loved her fiancé. And if you don’t believe this, why on Earth do you want to go to the wedding?

You’ve made it all about your feelings and the fact that you don’t get to spend the day with your partner, that you don’t feel acknowledged, that your partner’s financial contribution hasn’t bought you a place at the table, that your lovely family would NEVER do this… the only thing you haven’t made it about is the bride. You don’t have a single nice word to say about her or her marriage. You only want to celebrate it because of FOMO.

Maybe you’re right and she IS superficial and materialistic. But maybe she isn’t stupid either, and has sensed your disapproval of her and her choices. And maybe that’s why you didn’t get invited.

@Cait33

Can't honestly believe how mean spirited some of these comments are. OP you sound like a lovely lady and I totally agree that you have every right to feel rejected and hurt. Your step daughter sounds like a complete brat. You've handled a horrible slight with grace and class and you're most assuredly not being petty or in any way entitled. Sending you hugs 😊

Where on earth have you got that from? It does amuse me on threads where after 2 rather odd posts from an op, you'll get the 'op you sound so AMAZING and CARING I know everyone else is evil and wrong'!

You've handled a horrible slight with grace and class

Grace and class would be accepting the fact that they’re not invited and be happy for the couple. Not come onto the internet complaining and mention she’s marrying into an “INCREDIBLY wealthy family”

I can't understand why having the partners there should cause her stress. It's very odd imo to leave them out.

You are completely entitled to feel hurt regardless of how long you have been together as it sounds as though it’s a significant amount of time. She sounds like she doesn’t want a ‘blended’ wedding and a traditional top table. I don’t see why you and the mother’s partner can’t go to the evening but she must have her reasons. At least it’s the mother’s partner too. If your partner and his ex get on maybe they could approach their daughter together for the partners to arrive later? If not, be gracious (but upset) as it is a bit pants

I felt some sympathy for you. But then you went and made some snide remarks about your dh's daughter...

Yabu. (With and without the remarks)
Its her day. That she wants to spend with both her parents there. Weddings are stressful enough as it is. No wonder she would like to keep things "easy".

. You are not invited for obvious reasons. But also as you don't seem to have a relationship with her. But keep in mind that her mums boyfriend isnt coming either.