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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU but is still hurts not being invited to a wedding as partner

227 replies

Sn0wWhite · 04/04/2022 15:18

My partner has a grown up daughter, and initially he assumed that I'd be coming with him to the wedding. Unfortunately his daughter had other plans. She isn't inviting her mother's partner or her father's partner (me) to the wedding on the logic that she doesn't know where to seat us.

My partner and I spend a lot of time together but he has work overseas, so we are not always together - so that ads a bit of context. It is "her day" and I guess she wants her parent's there. Not their partners sitting at the head of the table (?)

But still - it's human to feel upset and hurt at being excluded. My partner has expressed his unhappiness to his daughter about this, and we are both feeling sad that I cannot enjoy this important day with him. I will have to watch from the sidelines. The wedding is out of town, and I will not be going. So at least it feels like that puts some distance from the whole thing.

It is hard to feel happy about it. He does a lot for her, and I feel like there is no respect being shown towards me. I just want to be heard out.

OP posts:
HangingRock25 · 04/04/2022 19:17

@middlingnot

If the wedding has the traditional format of ceremony then meal then evening reception I would have thought she could have invited you to the evening do. Some consider it a snub but it's a compromise when you can't include everyone. Would you go, OP, if only invited to the evening part?
Maybe she doesn't do that two-tier nonsense. The meal is supposed to be the reception.
saraclara · 04/04/2022 19:23

I don't intend to be harsh here, but it's clear that you don't really like her, and that you barely know each other. It seems that you want to be recognised, rather than wanting to see her get married.

It's unusual to leave out parents' new partners, but I can only imagine how awkward such weddings can potentially be. She's treated you and the other partner equally, and that's probably the best she can do if the awkwardness is simply too much for her.

I doubt it's personal. No new partners is just an adult equivalent of the no kids rule, I suppose..

Benjispruce4 · 04/04/2022 19:24

She just wants her parents together on one day. Try to be generous, I’m sure it’s not personal.

Mindymomo · 04/04/2022 19:24

It is a shame, to me weddings are all about having memories and one day you may become a grandparent to DD’s children, so you will hopefully become closer. Maybe the meal could be before wedding to show no hard feelings.

paintfairy · 04/04/2022 19:28

I think some of the comments on here are ridiculous. Everyone you invite to a wedding brings a +1. Even bog standard guests?! You don't expect people to come alone and often you've never met said person.
If her parents are also paying towards the wedding I think that's even worse that their partners aren't invited. Fair enough if it is a new relationship of only a few months, but several years is not that. Its easy to ask for family only photos and I don't think that would be weird her asking for photos purely with just her mum and dad (I wouldn't think that odd at all). And if she didn't want all of them on the top table, she could have just said I'm really sorry but they'll have to sit separately for the meal, due to logistics, I hope that's OK.
For my wedding my dad didn't have a partner. But he still asked if he could bring a friend. I pointed out they'd have to sit separately for the food (clearly they can't sit on the top table) but if they were happy to do so then that was fine. And I had a small wedding (less than 50).
Ok it's your wedding and your day but you don't need to turn into an entitled spoiled brat. Because that's all you'll be remembered for.

babyjellyfish · 04/04/2022 19:28

YANBU, OP. It's very disrespectful to both of her parents and their partners as it shows that she doesn't consider you part of the family. I would be upset too.

AdriannaP · 04/04/2022 19:32

From your posts it doesn’t even sound like you like her or have a close relationship. Stop being selfish and petty and making her wedding about you. How much time have you even spent together in the last five years?

I feel sad for your partner who has to deal with your self indulgent behaviour instead of being able to look forward to his daughter’s wedding.

RiverRats · 04/04/2022 19:32

It seems like you don’t like her that much. The comments about her marrying someone with money aren’t nice, could that be why she isn’t inviting you?

Unsure33 · 04/04/2022 19:33

Actually I think her reason is quite valid . I know a wedding where the seating of new partners caused a massive fall out . And I think she has been fair about not inviting both new partners . I would not take it too personally.

PoshPyjamas · 04/04/2022 19:38

You sound quite desperate for her to like you. That is often very off putting and cringe inducing to be around. She probably senses that you're being fake with her, and she doesn't want that vibe at her wedding.

Turningpurple · 04/04/2022 19:38

@Momijin

I don't understand why she wouldn't invite her parents' partners. Surely her friends and other family's partners are invited?

Her dad should ask her how she would feel if her fiance was not invited to a close friend or family member's wedding, how she would feel.

But her friend partners won't be sat on the top table.

She doesn't want people she barely knows on the top table. Or op sits on her own. Which lots of people object to.

It is different to a friend bringing their dp and sitting on a table together.

Blossomtoes · 04/04/2022 19:40

one day you may become a grandparent to DD’s children

She won’t. We’ve been married for 22 years. My bloke’s grandchildren aren’t my grandchildren because it’s a biological impossibility since his children aren’t mine.

ComeSailAway · 04/04/2022 19:40

Let her have "her day" and be thankful to miss a dull event and that you don't have to give it another thought.

JacquelineCarlyle · 04/04/2022 19:42

@buckingmad

Not your day, not your guest list. Will never understand peoples entitlement when it comes to weddings.

Sure you can feel upset in private, but it’s not fair to your partners daughter for him to try and guilt trip her into inviting you (can’t think of any other reason he would have for “expressing his unhappiness”).

This!
LuluBlakey1 · 04/04/2022 19:49

Tough

Bellex · 04/04/2022 20:08

A lot of my friends have had this issue with their parents not being together.

There is politics with parents that have separated. You don’t seem to have a close relationship, the mothers partner isn’t invited. Maybe they just wanted to keep it simple. No arguments or disagreements.

It’s their wedding and their choice.

One of my friends mums kicked up a fuss of bringing her bf of 5 years and was uninvited.

Go and out and celebrate with later on, it comes across like it wasn’t personal not inviting you and you’ll cause friction in your relationship for the sake of wanting to support your DP on event that is about his daughter

Lunificent · 04/04/2022 20:09

There’s no need to be at the wedding of someone who hasn’t invited you. Why would you want to be somewhere you’re not wanted?

iwishiwasonhol · 04/04/2022 20:13

My DD is 17, but has said that she wont have stepmum at her wedding even tho step mum and her dad have been together for10 years as i have i havent been invited to any family events on her dads side since we spilt up ,ive never meet/spoke to the stepmother but i have always said that if she wanted her there that would be happy as its her wedding

NinaManiana · 04/04/2022 20:14

Flip it round. If your parents were divorced and you were getting married, are you totally sure you’d have their new partners along? Really? I’m pretty laid back but i’m not sure i would.

Maireas · 04/04/2022 20:15

@Sn0wWhite

Hello yes!! I just wanted to be able to do something nice, and take them out for a celebratory dinner afterwards !! When they are back from honeymoon etc or whenever.

Don't do that. She doesn't want you to be part of the celebrations. I think it's rude of her not to invite you. You are linked through her dad and I'm sure that the seating could be arranged.
Her choice, but I don't think it's a kind choice.

natureshere · 04/04/2022 20:16

I can see why she does not want you there to be honest. You don't seem to like her (the ' she wants an easy, easy life' comment and 'marrying into a rich family in line with her career ambitions'. Why would she want you there when you feel like that about her and her marriage?) You say she thinks you are not ' cool' enough but you just seem to think she is a shallow person marrying for mercenary reasons. It seems to by you who is holding the low opinions of others.

You also seem to want to go there to be with your partner, rather than to celebrate her marriage ( which you are cynical about...)

Stop trying to be liked by someone you don't like, and stop feeling resentful that someone you don't like, does not like you. Be content with recognising your relationship with the partner is separate from his children and be content with being able to be cordial with his children when you have to see them.

There is no need for you to think you have to be part of his wider family, particularly when you clearly do not like all of them...

CoastalWave · 04/04/2022 20:18

YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE. (in capitals!)

Not your day. Not even vaguely about you. Can't even see why you're upset to be honest. You need to grow up a little.

Libertaire · 04/04/2022 20:22

YABU.

The more you post about his situation, OP, the more I understand why she hasn’t invited you to her wedding. It’s evident that you and her are not close and that you don’t particularly like her. The fact that you are so determined to make her wedding day about you and your feelings is very telling.

pigsDOfly · 04/04/2022 20:22

I don't understand why so many poster are giving you such a hard time OP.

Most people get to bring a + one to a wedding and as you've been together for five years I think it's very odd and nasty not to invite you.

However, I don't understand all the posts about being on the top table. Surely no one who isn't part of the bridal party i.e. bride and groom, brides maids, grooms men and parents should be on the top table. So why would the OP be seated at the top table.

A lot of people no longer have a top table for this very reason so that there's no awkwardness about who is to be placed on it.

Sitchervice · 04/04/2022 20:23

Sooo as someone who did invite partners to the top table I have to say on some points I wish I haddent. My mother inlaws partner didn't even bother coming (A motorbike meet was to important) and my father Inlaws partner just kind of sulked the whole time.

I was told if I didn't invite them I'd get hell...