Teachers- be honest please - do you judge or make assumptions?

[BlingLoving]

And if so, how often are you right?

eg when the kid turns up on day one with crazy curls, no hair tie (especially boys) do you immediately think, like I do, "oh no, this family is going to be a bit precious."

Or if the kid's clothes are consistently stained etc, do you chalk that up to parents having limited cash and taking view that school uniform is to be worn (my approach) or do you think they're just careless?

What about the ones who struggle to spend the time doing homework with their DC? Do you think they're just bad parents or are you sympathetic?

We all make judgments - but for the most part keep them inside and don’t let them affect how we react with others.

Teachers are no different.

There are some, whose behaviour/attitude prized the lid off my calm outerself. Usually it was easier once I’d met the parents and realised why they were like they are.

However the above paragraph only related to 1% The other 99% were fine.

I think it’s just different mindsets though. I’d also refuse to allow a school to give my kids detentions and I’d argue that it’s our job to keep kids engaged in lessons. I’m not saying it’s not a complete pain in the arse to keep them on task, more that we should check our priorities. Does giving a detention change the behaviour? No. So work with it. Also, it’s not fair to say it’s the surf kids who seek attention in lessons, everyone has their moments. Long hair is not a symptom of this.

How, as a teacher, do you reconcile not supporting your own DCs’ school’s discipline system? I’ve given 2 detentions in my time- but like you say it’s much better to distract/avoid/entertain to avoid travelling so far down that road. I’ve never taught curly Surf Dude but have one living locally so I’m projecting him and his family into OP’s first post! The hardest kid I ever taught was completely average looking and had a mum at her wits end with him.

@FourChimneys

chillylizard that's interesting. A Nigerian mum whose child I taught would always pay double for everything with a note to say the extra was for someone who couldn't afford it. I assumed it was general loveliness but perhaps cultural as well?

Thats seriously lovely and thoughtful.

@Cherrysoup

We judge constantly. If a child’s clothes are stained and he/she looks uncared for, I’d speak to the head of year, see if the child needs spare uniform. One little lad was in grey sleeves (white shirt), constantly filthy, so I organised spare shirts and to wash his uniform and dry it while he had PE so it wasn’t obvious.

I perfectly understand that some parents don’t have time to do homework, so we make homework easy to complete (links, learning only, offering use of the tablets at lunch)

I hope that most teachers ‘judge’ as we pick up issues that way. I don’t mean look down on parents/children, but notice so we can support.

What a lovely person you are to care for that boy in that way ❤️

When my dc were at state primary in a leafy suburb the scruffiest dc belonged to teachers. DH belonged to one and consequently became very pernickety about his clothes when he reached adult hood.

Honestly OP this sounds like sexism. It annoys you when boys have long curly hair and you think the parents who have let these boys choose their own hair styles are hippies.

Why should they cut it just because they're boys? Why shouldn't their hair be long? They're at school, not prison. Mad to me that you think parents should force kids to conform to how you want them to look, and to afford them the basic right of choosing their own hair is "oh so liberal" and "tinkly laugh". I don't even know what a tinkly laugh is, or why how someone laughs is a stain on their character.

To clarify: it's totally true - I have opinions about the parents, not the child. I say, "child thinks he's better than everyone else" but what I absolutely mean is "when a child has been taught he can do what he likes" or similar ie my rather negative comments about such parents in the OP.

And to the poster who asked if I have ever tried to tie back curly hair.... If there was a emoticon, I'd be using it now. It's not that I have an issue with curly hair it's that the parents I make assumptions about (ie that we will NOT be becoming best friends, by any stretch of the imagination!) are the ones with boys with curly hair they can't bring themselves to DO anything with (well, with one exception where a mum thought her boy's hair was so gorgeous, used loads of products and it just looked dirty!).

Having said that, there is the family at our school whose son has poker straight, extraordinarily thick hair and it was kept long and with nothing to keep it out of things for a long time.... until I noticed the school sent a note round and I did wonder if it was aimed at them!

I know my child’s teacher judged me for forgetting his water bottle a couple of times. She then mentioned something about how upset he was when I forgot his waterproof trousers the week before. I categorically knew I hadn’t. I argued back on it as I knew I hadn’t and she’s seemed less inclined to make judgmental comments since.

What she doesn’t know is I have ADHD and I really struggle to remember everything, no matter how hard I try. The reason I knew I had his waterproof trousers the week before was because I had been in tears trying to find them (ADHD guilt) and eventually got out some old ones which he hates, before finding the correct ones. The old ones were still out on the side a week later (ADHD struggles again!) which is how I was so sure she was mistaken.

His other teacher shrugs her shoulders at forgotten things.

I hope the school know I’m a supportive parent overall. I volunteer to help out with things, always have him there as the gates open or before so I hope they can look beyond my forgetfulness.

His other teacher shrugs her shoulders at forgotten things.

Probably the one who has kids of their own or who has the common sense/experience to know that most ‘disasters’ have a simple workaround. Take your lead from this teacher @AlistairCamel and ignore other silly one.

Omg I'm constantly forgetting stuff. I'm now post menopause. Plus I have thyroid disease, and am super stressed for other reasons. Would hate to think my DS teacher thought I was neglecting my kid but tbh I often think that and it makes the anxiety worse.

@chillylizard

Yes DH is a teacher and does. But his goes around manners more. For example, he says Nigerian families are the best - hard working, well mannered and a pleasure. Similar with Indian and other Asian families. Family culture has a lot to do with it.

You are saying your husband makes racist assumptions?

SockFluffInTheBath

Thanks, I’m trying to.

On the main point of the thread, I guess judgemental people who go into teaching make judgemental teachers.

I think we are all prone to doing it with some things but only fools don't try to temper it because we are so often wrong.

@SockFluffInTheBath

I think it’s just different mindsets though. I’d also refuse to allow a school to give my kids detentions and I’d argue that it’s our job to keep kids engaged in lessons. I’m not saying it’s not a complete pain in the arse to keep them on task, more that we should check our priorities. Does giving a detention change the behaviour? No. So work with it. Also, it’s not fair to say it’s the surf kids who seek attention in lessons, everyone has their moments. Long hair is not a symptom of this.

How, as a teacher, do you reconcile not supporting your own DCs’ school’s discipline system? I’ve given 2 detentions in my time- but like you say it’s much better to distract/avoid/entertain to avoid travelling so far down that road. I’ve never taught curly Surf Dude but have one living locally so I’m projecting him and his family into OP’s first post! The hardest kid I ever taught was completely average looking and had a mum at her wits end with him.

Because I don’t think punishments are fair or in any way a good use of time. I will say though, I’m in Scotland and I’ve never taught in a school that uses detentions.

Of course we judge and make assumptions, but unless there is something really bad going on that puts a child at risk, I don't care at all about the family situation. I.e. I might think that a family are disorganised and messy, but I don't care about it if the kid is loved and looked after

@Myboypink

Primary teacher here- yes i do ! When I hear the names - Mason , Alfie , Billy , Dolly , Ellie-Mai, Demi- Jade - I am already thinking - help !

It is awful but of course I have re judgments . When i hear a parent saying - I ain’t got time to read with him , he does my head in ! I feel so sorry the child and immediately know the sort of parent I am dealing with !

Harsh but true .

That's awful. Just awful - that you make judgments based on names. Which sound mostly completely usual to me, no idea what you are suggesting they signify.

Most teachers smart enough not to judge openly as they're open to being judged too.

Miss Mcxxxxx those fuck me boots, really.
Mr Cxxxxxxxx an apostrophe in the word trainers?
Ms Gxxxxxxx pregnant AGAIN

What the living fuck is wrong with curly hair?

or hair not tied up? (tying it up constantly pulls the curl and scalp and causes damage)

Curls are awesome, my DS gets compliments every single day on his curls (along with lots of 'I wish id never cut my boy's curls').

I'm not massively liberal, crunchy or hippy but you don't need to hack off your children's natural body parts just because a handful of judgemental twats are scared of boys with hair that isn't counted in mm.

@Pumperthepumper that’s interesting, I’ve never taught in a school that didn’t have detention at the end of the line. What kind of structure/path does your school follow for, say, deliberately dangerous behaviour?

@mam0918

What the living fuck is wrong with curly hair?

or hair not tied up? (tying it up constantly pulls the curl and scalp and causes damage)

Curls are awesome, my DS gets compliments every single day on his curls (along with lots of 'I wish id never cut my boy's curls').

I'm not massively liberal, crunchy or hippy but you don't need to hack off your children's natural body parts just because a handful of judgemental twats are scared of boys with hair that isn't counted in mm.

Well hair left loose is easier to spread lice, gets in the way in gym and active play, tends to get dirtier easier, isn’t as hygienic for food prep etc.

I have no issue with boys having long hair but often find the parents don’t care for it. You rarely see a girl with her hair just hanging out everywhere not brushed and appropriately tied but for some reason a boy with his hair all over the place is a ‘cool dude’ with his ‘beautiful curls.’ When most of the time I think it just looks messy. I still wouldn’t judge the child unkindly but I would suggest they tie their hair up out of their face.

the ones with boys with curly hair they can't bring themselves to DO anything with (well, with one exception where a mum thought her boy's hair was so gorgeous, used loads of products and it just looked dirty!)

I am so embarrassed for you

Although I think the same about straight hair and actually the one boy with very long hair I’ve looked after had thick straight hair. Never tied, always just left swinging around.

It's not judgement, it's observation. I wouldn't think less of a child in dirty clothes, or their parents. But I would observe the dirty clothes and try to help them.

Scruffy: no.
Dirty: yes.
There’s a big difference. And when I say judging I mean it in a professional way. Dirty teeth, hair, skin, nails, uniform etc obviously can be serious markers of neglect.
But I think most parents would be surprised how low ‘parenting’ can go. Few weeks ago we dealt with 5 or 6 children arriving at school with vapes bought for them by a parent who felt they were all ‘stressed’ and needed something to help them relax. I totally judged that.

[quote SockFluffInTheBath]@Pumperthepumper that’s interesting, I’ve never taught in a school that didn’t have detention at the end of the line. What kind of structure/path does your school follow for, say, deliberately dangerous behaviour?[/quote]
Well, it doesn’t really. Each kid is treated individually so there isn’t really a punishment system. EdPsyc might get involved if something is really wrong, and we have nurture rooms, but no punishments.