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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Western men fat phobia!

252 replies

rosieej · 04/04/2022 08:24

*as a generalization

Why have I noticed when I moved to countries like Lebanon, Egypt, bigger women with bigger features /bum, bellies etc are given way more compliments and it's the opposite in the west, it's seen as ideal to be slim there (in general, I don't agree with that ofc) and some men have even told me years ago they can't date me as they'd me embarrassed to be seen with a 'fat girl'Hmm(years ago, I'm around a size 18, much more confident now tho)

I find in Ireland and Uk most men don't give bigger women (me) a second glance and ALOT of them have fat phobia yet where I live now people actually stop me to compliment my bigger body and I've never gotten as much attention at this weight..

What is that about! HmmGrineven women stopping to call me a 'duck' which is seen as a compliment or a 'mozza' which is seen as a sexualised curvy woman...and men worshipping big curves etc.

Possibly all due to sex I suppose..

But it's weird. Anyone else noticed anything similar? Or share stories of any experiences with fat phobia in the west. It's major in the west imo. Of course not all men but quite a lot

OP posts:
PurgatoryOfPotholes · 04/04/2022 11:01

Beauty standards are culturally specific. They only thing that doesn't seem to change, is the impact they have on women.

Did you know that in Mauritania, families literally force-feed teenage girls to make them fat, so that they can attract a husband?

insidearabia.com/ancient-leblouh-tradition-endanger-lives-mauritanian-women/

Snoozer11 · 04/04/2022 11:02

If you're so bothered by this, lose weight. You'll feel better for it.

Butteryflakycrust83 · 04/04/2022 11:03

@Snoozer11

If you're so bothered by this, lose weight. You'll feel better for it.
Ah, someone has finally found a cure! Woop de do!!!!
priszilla · 04/04/2022 11:03

@NeedAHoliday2021

My friend’s wife is from Africa and she’s horrified by my skinny Dd (teenager who is a beanpole size 4) because in her culture skinny means poverty. Big means wealth as you can afford food. It’s fascinating.

I recently saw a porn clip (year 9 but sent some to Dd - separate issue and school has been fab, all dealt with) but the girls were all really skinny with no folds when they bent over until one described as “larger girl…” I mean, she was possibly a size 10! This is what western men are told they should find attractive.

I commented on a show we were watching last night that a woman always looked beautiful in all clothes because they just hung off her wonderfully and I would love to be like that (but also like cake). Dh’s comment was “huh? She looks gaunt and unwell… do you really think that’s the body to aim for?” I realise that pressure is something I put on myself from society not dh. I’m a curvy size 12 but bmi says I’m over weight which really gets in my brain.

Why is your husband body shaming if your DD is a size 4? We don't need to insult anyone, bigger or skinny, it's just unnecessary. I'm skinny and do not notice nor care what others weigh.

Also, skinny women clearly aren't revered given your comments from your friend and husband, are they? This is why girls hate themselves, but of course, only fat shaming matters. 👏...👏...

Soffit · 04/04/2022 11:04

You cannot be fat and revered as a woman in fashionable London. Places like Chelsea, Mayfair and Notting Hill Gate. I remember Boris' sister commenting on it in an interview. She said that most fellow mums in Notting Hill were voluntarily malnourished to the same extent as a woman in an impoverished part of the third world.

I have always been skinny but I am a fitness freak and I cannot manage more than two meals a day. My comfortable amount is one. My DD is the same. I do wish that men did fancy bigger women in my bubble as I'd be left the f alone by men for whom I have no time !whatsoever!!

CounsellorTroi · 04/04/2022 11:05

This is interesting

onlinedoctor.superdrug.com/perceptions-of-perfection/#tab

godmum56 · 04/04/2022 11:06

@felulageller

There is such a thing as fatphobia.

I've been slim, obese and everything between. People massively discriminate against you for being obese. I didn't realise how bad this was until I lost a lot of weight.

they discriminate yes but is not (or not often) a phobia.....the sight of someone with a big bum doesn't give them panic attacks!
fromdownwest · 04/04/2022 11:06

@Butteryflakycrust83

Untrue. Time and time again, fat people are discriminated against because of their body type in all areas of society. Recruiters are less likely to hire a fat person based on their own personal prejudice on fat bodies. Fat people are denied healthcare. Its a systematic prejudice that does NOT exist in the same way for fat people.
Smokers are also denied healthcare where it is deemed statistically dangerous to carry out an operation with excess body weight. It is not a board of doctors wondering how they can shame a sector of society to make them feel seculded. It is a board of doctors using years an years of statistical data based upon risk assessment based upon body weight.

Societal issues are a different matter I agree, but to say that fat people are denied healthcare, as it is some form of assault against their rights is unfair.

TatianaBis · 04/04/2022 11:09

Well 60% of men are overweight or obese in this country anyway.

Ozanj · 04/04/2022 11:10

[quote PurgatoryOfPotholes]Beauty standards are culturally specific. They only thing that doesn't seem to change, is the impact they have on women.

Did you know that in Mauritania, families literally force-feed teenage girls to make them fat, so that they can attract a husband?

insidearabia.com/ancient-leblouh-tradition-endanger-lives-mauritanian-women/[/quote]
Part of my family comes from Mauritiana. Only some follow this - usually poor people who need to marry their girls off before 10-12 (to ‘protect’ them from rape) as weight gain often forces early periods. Most normal people don’t do this

DancingChairs · 04/04/2022 11:10

I don't particularly care for, seek out or desire random men's opinions on my body, and would find it repulsively intrusive to receive such comments. No matter my size.

5128gap · 04/04/2022 11:12

I think the term fatphobia is legitimate actually. Not necessarily to describe male preference, but certainly as a valid term for a lot of women's views on weight. A lot of women are extremely frightened of being fat, viewing it with disgust, distancing themselves from women who are fat ("I'm only a size 14, not properly fat, like the fat women") and unable to conceive it could be considered attractive. There's people on here who (unless they're just being deliberately spiteful to the poster who was found attractive in Egypt) hate it so much they can't conceive that a man would find a fat woman attractive without an ulterior motive, and can't bare a fat woman to think someone was attracted to her without setting her straight. If that's not fatphobia, what's a better term?

Bornsloppy · 04/04/2022 11:13

Men in the UK are "fatphobic" because they don't hassle you in the street. I should think anyone would be pleased not to be harassed because of their personal appearance. Maybe you need to work on your confidence and self worth.

doeadeeer · 04/04/2022 11:17

I live in a posh area, I grew up in a poor area - average size in post area is an 8-10, in poorer area 14-18 average size. In the West healthy food can be expensive so I think slimness is seen as a social class marker.

Incidentally I've had extensive male attention my whole life and I hate it. I find is vile to be stared at. Your worth isn't determined by the male gaze.

TheMarzipanDildo · 04/04/2022 11:20

It’s not a phobia, it’s just a type. Plenty of Western men are into bigger women, anyway.

And you don’t want random random men commenting on you on the street.

Butteryflakycrust83 · 04/04/2022 11:20

@Bornsloppy

Men in the UK are "fatphobic" because they don't hassle you in the street. I should think anyone would be pleased not to be harassed because of their personal appearance. Maybe you need to work on your confidence and self worth.
Catcalling etc is about power over women, not appearance.

As a twenty stone fat woman, I have been catcalled, followed and sexually assaulted twice on public transport.

BellePeppa · 04/04/2022 11:21

Why pick on Westerners? Asian countries such as Japan and South Korea revere skinniness to an alarming level. Clothes tags in Japan don’t pussyfoot around and say ‘fat’ on them if they’re larger sizes. I think you can even get fined in Japan for being over a certain weight. Westerners always getting it in the neck for something plenty of other places do or worse.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 04/04/2022 11:22

@Ozanj I was deliberately vague re where in Africa although it was one of the countries you mentioned. She’s a big woman from a very wealthy family, but also very traditional so maybe that makes a difference.

catscatscatseverywhere · 04/04/2022 11:23

Why do you call it phobia? Can't men have their taste in women? Do you fancy every guy on the street? I doubt it.

DrSbaitso · 04/04/2022 11:25

I think you can even get fined in Japan for being over a certain weight.

Sigh.

www.jacksonville.com/story/news/reason/2016/09/16/fact-check-it-illegal-japanese-residents-be-overweight/985445007/

Patchbatch · 04/04/2022 11:25

@BellePeppa

Why pick on Westerners? Asian countries such as Japan and South Korea revere skinniness to an alarming level. Clothes tags in Japan don’t pussyfoot around and say ‘fat’ on them if they’re larger sizes. I think you can even get fined in Japan for being over a certain weight. Westerners always getting it in the neck for something plenty of other places do or worse.
Yep, I spent a very happy few years there but bloody hell the standards for women are crazy. I'm a 10 and felt big, for women over say a UK 14 equivalent here's hardly anything in the shops, or was the case a decade ago.
Patchbatch · 04/04/2022 11:26

Also a lot of ignorance on other countries, quelle surpise.

Booboobibles · 04/04/2022 11:27

I don’t really care what men think. They’re mostly pervs who think it’s acceptable to have a serious discussion about women’s weight and attractiveness.

However, there’s absolutely no doubt that it’s better to be slim from a health point of view. If our pets are even slightly overweight, a vet will criticise. The vet won’t say, well your dog is a bit overweight but he’s healthy so don’t worry.

MiniTheMinx · 04/04/2022 11:27

@5128gap

I think the term fatphobia is legitimate actually. Not necessarily to describe male preference, but certainly as a valid term for a lot of women's views on weight. A lot of women are extremely frightened of being fat, viewing it with disgust, distancing themselves from women who are fat ("I'm only a size 14, not properly fat, like the fat women") and unable to conceive it could be considered attractive. There's people on here who (unless they're just being deliberately spiteful to the poster who was found attractive in Egypt) hate it so much they can't conceive that a man would find a fat woman attractive without an ulterior motive, and can't bare a fat woman to think someone was attracted to her without setting her straight. If that's not fatphobia, what's a better term?
Fat shaming? It's not a phobia to shame people.

I know that makes me look pedantic. I'm not. Phobia illicits an extreme irrational response.

Yeah, so maybe fatness could illicit such a response in some (very few) people.

Is it irrational though to want to avoid becoming fat? is it irrational not to find fatter people attractive?

Shaming people, that is not driven by phobia, or preferences.

I would be interested to know why people think its ok to shame people for being over weight?

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