Or is DH being a dickhead, not me?

[ReallyMadHatter]

Is DH being a dick or am I? (also, I know there are bigger problems in the world)

We're doing up the house slowly due to money, and as part of changing the kitchen colour scheme I bought a set of 4 lovely glass cups, they will be displayed on a rustic shelf I've ordered that has 4 cup hooks. Took me ages to find the perfect colour for a reasonable price as well. They are also practical to use, make me feel happy when I'm wfh drinking my cuppas and I just really love em (that might be sad of me but hey ho).

So, DH whilst washing up, smashes one of them. My heart sinks (yes, really) but I hold off saying anything while Dh is cleaning the glass up as I know it was an accident/I don't trust myself not to be sharp/he's visibly annoyed at himself that he's done it

15/20 mins pass by, no apology, he comes in with a brew for us, turns football on and starts discussing something else. I say, You broke one of my new cups. He then gets in a huff and an argument ensues. He says he doesn't need to say sorry as it was bought on joint card so he's technically only broken what's ours?! Eh?! I say wtf are you on about, regardless of who's bought it if you break something that someone cares about (even if you think it's daft) you say sorry straight away! He says I can buy another who cares. I say that's not the point? We have a child and I don't take spending unnecessary money lightly. Also, why would you not just apologise!

AIBU - It's only a cup, I should get over myself.

Or is DH BU: He should have said sorry to start off with and have done with it.

If you can be arsed to read further, here's some more context:

• generally we have a very good relationship. He's a fantastic dad, has done every night wake with me and regularly facilitates me seeing friends or going to the gym a couple times a week as do I for him. We have lovely family time on a weekend and he's banging in bed to be blunt.

• However he has a big ego when it comes to apologies in particular (he's very anti authoritarian and perceives me as the authority in the home, which I suppose I can be at times) and will often try and find pointless loopholes rather than admit he's wrong
• he's broken glass things before because he's so frigging careless! And just says buy more, without seeming to get that I hate spending pointless money and that it's the principle sometimes

NB: I also inflamed the situation above by calling him a bellend when he refused to say sorry

I get what you mean as I bought a new dinner set since our other one was too chipped and so far at least 4 plates/bowls have been chipped, some by DH unloading the dishwasher. I love the dinnerset and I really wanted nice unchipped stuff, but no I wouldn’t expect an apology, they are household items and he knows I love them and he didn’t mean to chip them but they are not personal possessions so it would be weird to apologise about them.

Get him some plastic cups and tell him they are very special and just for him.

@Quartz2208

I have to say I dont think an apology is infantilising - it is acknowledging that something you accidentally did has upset the other person.

It isnt controlling or suffocating to simply say I am sorry I broke the mug I know you liked it. Here I made you a cup of tea.

And move on

Absolutely this.

Its not about shaming someone, it's about basic courtesy.

He broke something you bought and love.

Basic courtesy.

He sounds like an arse.

Not deal breaker stuff but it can give you the Ick when someone is so determined to be an arse.

I've broken stuff that is mine and that I bought.

I have quickly apologised out of courtesy, no more than that.

These small little courtesies that people show each other, whilst living together are the bedrock of a happy long term relationship.

There is no shame in that.

Infantile behaviour is deliberately making a point that "I don't have to apologise, you are not the boss of me" kind of attitude.

Now that is Infantile.

Since when in a relationship are you not allowed to be upset by something being broken unless you bought it with solely your money? Dh would be upset if I scratched the car. Our joint car that I drive the most. All of our money is joint and I’ve been upset when he’s destroyed my clothes in the wash. I’ve been upset when he broke one of my favorite mug. I get mad when nice things break through carelessness- he went through a dozen wine glasses the first year we were married and I was mad. Now he’s not a turd and washes them carefully like normal people. I get mad when it’s beyond carelessness to stupidity, like taking a nice dinner bowl and using it to mix silicon while doing home renovations. He doesn’t have any right to trash our joint belongings like that. All these comments are weird.

@timeisnotaline Glad it's not only just me as the majority of the comments say IABU 😅

I get that shit breaks everyone, but surely as an adult you can expect the other adult to respect household belongings by not being needlessly careless with them. Of course I can buy more cups but it isn't about that! I should be able to have nice things in the home without fear or having to replace them each month. What a nonsense.

Accidents are accidents but I felt it was callous to be careless and not even say sorry. That's literally all I wanted - an acknowledgement!

@Brefugee I get that he's coming across as a dick, it's hard on AIBU to portray the relationship accurately. He's lovely, but aloof when it comes to wider relationships and forethought/planning. I once stopped for a year and no word of a lie we didn't see his family and siblings/nephews/nieces for the most of that year. He loves them but he's also happy with just me and DD and wouldn't even think to text to arrange something. Thing is, it bothered me as they live local and there's no reason we shouldn't see them!

I am calm and clear this morning, and I recognise that DH has many positives and is a lovely kind soul. I also have my negatives and realise these can annoy him. We have made up and all is well, he is going to try and source some more.

In the heat of the moment I was annoyed as he was careless, the cups were a week old, and I loved them.

I recognise I can buy more. However principles are important to me. And respect for belongings was instilled into me

[quote ReallyMadHatter]@timeisnotaline Glad it's not only just me as the majority of the comments say IABU 😅

I get that shit breaks everyone, but surely as an adult you can expect the other adult to respect household belongings by not being needlessly careless with them. Of course I can buy more cups but it isn't about that! I should be able to have nice things in the home without fear or having to replace them each month. What a nonsense.

Accidents are accidents but I felt it was callous to be careless and not even say sorry. That's literally all I wanted - an acknowledgement!

@Brefugee I get that he's coming across as a dick, it's hard on AIBU to portray the relationship accurately. He's lovely, but aloof when it comes to wider relationships and forethought/planning. I once stopped for a year and no word of a lie we didn't see his family and siblings/nephews/nieces for the most of that year. He loves them but he's also happy with just me and DD and wouldn't even think to text to arrange something. Thing is, it bothered me as they live local and there's no reason we shouldn't see them!
[/quote]
But your saying his lovely, but also saying he either is intentionally or careless with just your stuff and careful with his own? (Although the mugs were also his).

That's not lovely at all.

If I broke my DH's favourite glass, I would absolutely apologise. If he broke my favourite mug, or a mug that I had just bought and spent time choosing, he would apologise, as he should.

It's sounds like a difference of value of a cup

If you broke one of the other cups in the cupboard would you apologise to him? It sounds like he views it as a general cup, owned by no one but you had a higher value on it.

If I broke a cup, I wouldn't apologise to my partner. If they weren't present I'd probably say "annoyingly I broke that mug today" but if they were there like you were I wouldn't.

[quote ReallyMadHatter]@KrisAkabusi Aye I probably should apologise but he has been so rude and not bothered about all of the effort I've got to redecorating this kitchen and planning the house decor. He presumably doesn't care as he could live in a blank box but I like things to look nice and be looked after ![/quote]
While i fully empathise with your feelings I think YABU.

I like you spent ages looking for the perfect dinner set and my husband chipped one on the first day.

My issue was the carelessness of just throwing pottery into a Belfast sink with no regard!

So I feel your pain ENTIRELY but I think your issue is you feel unappreciated over the kitchen reno efforts and this mug is a symptom of that.

Also I think imho you need to chill with the name calling. You called him a bell end and now you have called him a dickhead.

It’s not very nice.

It's good that he's apologised, but you two really need to work on the dynamic that you are the "authority" at home and he "defies" you. That's a serious red flag and definitely going to cause problems long term

[quote ReallyMadHatter]@TheSnowyOwl but he's done it a few times before with lovely glassware so not a one off from him 😩[/quote]
Hi Op, I m not trying to make excuses for Dp…but this might be worth thinking about…
I have 2 adult DC. One of them is like a bomb going off in a China shop where ever he goes. Even as a small child. He leaves a trail of detritus wherever he goes, and is extremely clumsy. The breakage bill was so high when he was a teenager and helping with chores.
He managed to break 3 phones in 2 years- I stopped buying his phone replacements after the first replacement.
It is literally as if things slip through his fingers, or when he moves something he doesn’t sense the distance or his strength vs fragility of item. It’s definitely a physical or brain thing
He lives with partner now. He is much much better about leaving his detritus trail but his partner reports he is still so clumsy….she doesn’t “let” him use certain things, or move certain things ..he is fine with it and knows he is a liability. He does try, but it’s definitely a problem for him still
Maybe your DH is like this? If he keeps breaking things. Maybe time to talk to him to say certain things are off limits for him to use/touch like your nice mugs .

🤣 should say there’s not a huge list of things she doesn’t “let” him touch…just fragile things that are important to her.

@MayMorris I could do but I genuinely believe carelessness can be resolved. I feel that as an adult I should be able to have nice things in our home and both of us look after them lol. Judging by responses that's apparently a lot to expect.

@DoItAfraid We don't really class bellend or dickhead in our household as a horrific insult. In our home it's a bit like 'daft' 'silly' lol. We swear a lot when it's just me and DH. Obvs we try to minimise around DD but tbh my family and his family are the same - we all swear a fair bit as part of general conversation!

@Everydayimhuffling agreed!

@Ghostsofhumor Yes! If I carelessly broke a cup he had chosen specifically I would be upset that more money would be spend in replacing it and would apologise immediately!!! And tbh i would then be searching for the new one and getting it sorted asap.

@HELLITHURT He is lovely 😂 it's contradictory I know, but he can be a knob 10% of the time (especially as something like this is a fairly minimal issue) and lovely 90% of the time. We've been together a long time, I know what he is like, but I still expect him to try and not break items regularly! Also he doesn't break anything of his that is true, but then again he doesn't really have anything that is glass or breakable really?

I do understand you a bit op to be honest, I am also quite “house proud” to use a quaint term, and a while ago my husband put dirty shoes on a new expensive foot stool, leaving dried in dirt on them . I jumped up and said “omg you’re such a ruiner” and my reaction surprised me, and I was a bit embarrassed by myself. To be honest I didn’t expect a personal apology though, I didn’t go that far, as it wasn’t my footstool as such, it was ours.

It is annoying or frustrating when someone is careless, but I think you need to try to temper it. In addition you kind of went from he’s broken a few things to he does it constantly and you need to replace stuff every month that he’s broken. Both can’t be true really.

Gosh I actually think less of him AFTER your update…so he knew he had, through his own usual carelessness broken something important to you and rather than acknowledge and apologise, he chose to minimise it and then take the huff with you through some petty deflection. And he is only able to apologise for something AFTER you have apologised…there is something really unattractive about that.

@WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno

I'm a dropper and you can guarantee it will always be something nice, not the 10 year old ikea glass

Noooo you can’t just say you’re a dropper like that makes it acceptable 😭

My eight year old drops fucking everything she picks up and as much as I love that child it drives me to utter distraction

I am though, I'm clumsy! It's why I don't buy expensive glassware and crockery.

I think you're being a bit precious, OP.

I feel I should be able to trust a grown adult to not break stuff continuously!

I break stuff continuously. The life-expectancy of a wine glass in our house is about twelve weeks. It runs in the family. Some of us have been diagnosed with something with a Latinate name which translates as 'clumsy git'.

But even if it were not a diagnosable condition, it is just the way I am. Whenever the OH exasperatedly says, "Can't you be more careful?" I feel I have to say, "This is me being more careful!"

Perhaps because of this clumsiness, I'm just not very attached to things, objects. And my OH is - very. To her, things have significance that's way beyond their monetary value, their practical usefulness, their rarity. It's unfortunate. We have polar opposite attitudes.

Hers, like the OP's, is that if you break something, it's not only careless but a waste of money. Mine is that if things didn't get broken, we'd all be up to our chins in Georgian chairs and Victorian beer glasses, and anyway what's money for if not to buy new stuff when old stuff goes west?

So she feels that I don't apologise enough for when things get broken, and I feel she gets much too attached to things that are obviously not designed to last forever.

And that's marriage for yer.

DH has an almost magical knack of breaking my favourite things! Mug, gin glass, etc- he's very heavy handed.

So I get it! He's not done anything wrong by not apologising but he's not been very considerate either. It's caring to just acknowledge it, in a small way, and it comes across as uncaring when he refused to. Marriage is SO often the little things - they go a long way.

DH always appears, sheepish, with a 'oops I did it again' face, says sorry and I reassure him it's fine and accidents happen.

I am now the sole caretaker of my fave things

It's not possible to turn back time unfortunately. Though yes, he should say sorry. Heck, we apologise to strangers for existing in shops etc

@Findahouse21

YABU, I think that asking an adult to apologise for a mistake is infantalisingg

Since when was expecting basic manners, infantilising?!

@TriTrey

DH has an almost magical knack of breaking my favourite things

Me too, apparently. Whenever I break a mug, it was her favourite mug. If I break another next month, that was her favourite mug, presumably having been promoted following the demise of the previous favourite one.

There's some cruel and mischievous force in the Universe that is arranging for me to break my wife's mugs precisely in descending order of favouriteness.

I put my elbow through a poppadom the other day. My elder daughter said, "Ooh, now you're in trouble. That's bound to have been mum's favourite poppadom."

YANBU. Of course you should apologise if you break something your partner has chosen and likes.

My ex had an awful habit of chipping and breaking my Emma Bridgewater pottery when washing up. I sold it all before any more got broken and bought a Sainsbury’s plain white dinner set. Sometimes we just have to admit that we can’t have nice things and work around it. Now that ex is an ex, I’ve started to buy a few nice things for myself again and am very wary of anyone offering to help with the washing up!