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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH being a dickhead, not me?

181 replies

ReallyMadHatter · 03/04/2022 21:54

Is DH being a dick or am I? (also, I know there are bigger problems in the world)

We're doing up the house slowly due to money, and as part of changing the kitchen colour scheme I bought a set of 4 lovely glass cups, they will be displayed on a rustic shelf I've ordered that has 4 cup hooks. Took me ages to find the perfect colour for a reasonable price as well. They are also practical to use, make me feel happy when I'm wfh drinking my cuppas and I just really love em (that might be sad of me but hey ho).

So, DH whilst washing up, smashes one of them. My heart sinks (yes, really) but I hold off saying anything while Dh is cleaning the glass up as I know it was an accident/I don't trust myself not to be sharp/he's visibly annoyed at himself that he's done it

15/20 mins pass by, no apology, he comes in with a brew for us, turns football on and starts discussing something else. I say, You broke one of my new cups. He then gets in a huff and an argument ensues. He says he doesn't need to say sorry as it was bought on joint card so he's technically only broken what's ours?! Eh?! I say wtf are you on about, regardless of who's bought it if you break something that someone cares about (even if you think it's daft) you say sorry straight away! He says I can buy another who cares. I say that's not the point? We have a child and I don't take spending unnecessary money lightly. Also, why would you not just apologise!

AIBU - It's only a cup, I should get over myself.

Or is DH BU: He should have said sorry to start off with and have done with it.

If you can be arsed to read further, here's some more context:

  • generally we have a very good relationship. He's a fantastic dad, has done every night wake with me and regularly facilitates me seeing friends or going to the gym a couple times a week as do I for him. We have lovely family time on a weekend and he's banging in bed to be blunt.
  • However he has a big ego when it comes to apologies in particular (he's very anti authoritarian and perceives me as the authority in the home, which I suppose I can be at times) and will often try and find pointless loopholes rather than admit he's wrong
  • he's broken glass things before because he's so frigging careless! And just says buy more, without seeming to get that I hate spending pointless money and that it's the principle sometimes

NB: I also inflamed the situation above by calling him a bellend when he refused to say sorry

OP posts:
chisanunian · 04/04/2022 00:32

@Findahouse21

YABU, I think that asking an adult to apologise for a mistake is infantalisingg
You shouldn't have to ask an adult to apologise because they should do it automatically. If they don't (or won't, and refuse to accept liability, or trivialise it), then they are being a dickhead.
WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno · 04/04/2022 00:37

I think you’re being a bit…much.

But I adore your honesty Grin

WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno · 04/04/2022 00:40

I'm a dropper and you can guarantee it will always be something nice, not the 10 year old ikea glass

Noooo you can’t just say you’re a dropper like that makes it acceptable 😭

My eight year old drops fucking everything she picks up and as much as I love that child it drives me to utter distraction

BadNomad · 04/04/2022 00:42

I don't think anyone is being a dickhead but I do think it's silly to expect an apology for accidentally breaking a house cup. Would you have said sorry to him if you had broken one? Or are they actually your cups?

ifyouturnonthelight · 04/04/2022 00:43

@ReallyMadHatter no you aren't being unreasonable. Sometimes it's nice to buy new things especially when money is tight. He should have come and said oh I'm so sorry I broke one of the new mugs. Where can we buy a new one

DreamTheMoors · 04/04/2022 01:05

It’s so easy to say, “I’m sorry.”
I’m gobsmacked at the amount of people who turn wrongside-out rather than apologise.

And — “I’m sorry if…” is no apology.

I don’t know whether your DH should’ve apologised or not, since he wasn’t being malicious. But he does seem a bit insensitive.
I definitely would have said I was sorry, and then I would’ve replaced your cup.

cantbecoping · 04/04/2022 01:10

So so so ridiculous.

nldnmum02 · 04/04/2022 01:11

If he knows how much you love them he should have apologised and offered to replace. Not very nice.

Coyoacan · 04/04/2022 01:18

YABU. It is sad when things we treasure break or get spoilt, but that is life. The only people who don't break things occasionally when washing up are people who don't wash up.

TigerLilyTail · 04/04/2022 01:19

I am very clumsy. I drove my parents crazy when I was a kid, but of course I would apologise if I broke something someone else cares about. It's just basic manners.

Hopefully, you will both sleep on it and he will say sorry in the morning and order a new set.

Chloemol · 04/04/2022 01:25

YABU it’s an accident, they happen, he was already cross at himself

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/04/2022 01:36

Just wondering, does he ever break any stuff of his own - or is it only the things that matter to you that have these 'accidents'?

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/04/2022 01:43

YANBU

I bought some glasses years ago that I coveted and then DH said "Just get them!" so I did. They weren't cheap and we used them first on Xmas day. He was arsing about with the kids and broke one. It managed about an hour out of the box.

Technically he paid as I was a SAHM at the time but he was falling over himself to apologise as he knew how much I loved them. I knew it was an accident but the apology meant an awful lot, it was an acknowledgment and I would have done the same.

wombat1a · 04/04/2022 01:45

YABU spending all that time finding 4 perfect cups to sit in the perfect rustic setting - you need some counselling.

violetbunny · 04/04/2022 01:45

He's being an asshole. I think he's feeling guilty so trying to deflect the blame by making you out as the unreasonable one.

TooManyPJs · 04/04/2022 01:45

I'm with you OP. Had I broken something my DH loved whether or not it was a household item and whether or not I liked it to, I'd apologise. It's just the polite and kind thing to do. It acknowledges that they are upset. It doesn't need to be a big thing a quick "oh I'm so sorry I broke that, I'll know you'll be upset" or similar and you can move on.

TooManyPJs · 04/04/2022 01:50

@MichelleScarn

It comes across as controlling and suffocating! 'You must show your shame to me'!
It's not about "showing your shame" it's about having respect for your partner's feelings and showing you care about their feelings. Not just "I've done something but it was an accident, so tough shit about how you feel about it". Which is essentially what you are doing if you say nothing. There's no need to prostrate yourself but a quick apologiy just acknowledges that you care.
TooManyPJs · 04/04/2022 01:58

PS I always buy spares of things like this (ie sets where one or two are bound to get broken) if I can afford to. Less upset for me when the inevitable happens 😩

TooManyPJs · 04/04/2022 02:01

@ReallyMadHatter

I always forget on AIBU that people don't expect basic manners.

You break something, you say sorry, you all move on...

Quite. On MN no-one has to have basic manners unless you are dealing with shop staff when you must be extremely polite and never complain even if they are being rude and unprofessional. Lol.
Genegenieee · 04/04/2022 02:13

@ReallyMadHatter

I always forget on AIBU that people don't expect basic manners.

You break something, you say sorry, you all move on...

You move on - from what? It's an accidental break of a glass cup. YABU for your treatment of DH
wishing3 · 04/04/2022 02:15

I think most people would automatically apologise if they did this.

Genegenieee · 04/04/2022 02:20

@Redsquirrel5

I get how you feel.

DH never apologises. I have a large set of crystal glasses which were my dad’s ( and mums) he moved them all over the world from one side to the other several times. Dad always packed them himself and only one was ever broken. When dad died I was given them as the eldest and at the time the most likely to treasure them and look after them.

DH was banned from washing them. I had used two and not washed them immediately as my bf was still here. DH decided to wash and dry them and yep he broke one by drying it roughly. IT was only the second time he has EVER apologised for anything. He came through all sheepish and said he was sorry. I just looked at him and said “ Now you know why I don’t let you wash them, I asked you not to because you are cack- handed”
I wash them twice a year and have never broken one. They are very expensive to replace and would take a bit of hunting down. I have sets of eight except for one mum broke and one DH did.

I’m afraid to say if he doesn’t apologise he likely never ( rarely) will. I was always taught to own up and apologise and I would have thought he would have been. It is one of the things about him that really irritates me.
I hope you can find some more. TKMaxx will search their other stores if there isn’t any if you have the code. I love pretty mugs to drink out of.

She bought 4 glass mugs from TK Maxx that she wants to hang on hooks to gather dust - that is not the same as crystal inherited from your DF!
runsoncaffeine4 · 04/04/2022 02:29

With all due respect it sounds like you have bigger problems than this broken mug. You sound very controlling

Sunnytwobridges · 04/04/2022 03:49

@Cherrysherbet

If you break something that someone else cares about, you should say sorry. It’s just common courtesy.

YANBU. It would piss me off too.

This. I’m really surprised that apologizing for breaking something isn’t expected. I always apologize , it’s just natural to me. My ex NEVER apologized for anything and it was definitely an unattractive trait.

I also find it strange that people don’t think you should Apologize for an accident. So if someone constantly breaks your things they don’t need to apologize. But if they intentionally break your things then they think that type of person will actually apologize and mean it?? MN is one bizarre place.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 04/04/2022 04:31

@Quartz2208

I have to say I dont think an apology is infantilising - it is acknowledging that something you accidentally did has upset the other person.

It isnt controlling or suffocating to simply say I am sorry I broke the mug I know you liked it. Here I made you a cup of tea.

And move on

This for me. We teach our DC that if you've hurt someone accidentally you should apologize, Why not hold adults to the same standard.
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