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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH being a dickhead, not me?

181 replies

ReallyMadHatter · 03/04/2022 21:54

Is DH being a dick or am I? (also, I know there are bigger problems in the world)

We're doing up the house slowly due to money, and as part of changing the kitchen colour scheme I bought a set of 4 lovely glass cups, they will be displayed on a rustic shelf I've ordered that has 4 cup hooks. Took me ages to find the perfect colour for a reasonable price as well. They are also practical to use, make me feel happy when I'm wfh drinking my cuppas and I just really love em (that might be sad of me but hey ho).

So, DH whilst washing up, smashes one of them. My heart sinks (yes, really) but I hold off saying anything while Dh is cleaning the glass up as I know it was an accident/I don't trust myself not to be sharp/he's visibly annoyed at himself that he's done it

15/20 mins pass by, no apology, he comes in with a brew for us, turns football on and starts discussing something else. I say, You broke one of my new cups. He then gets in a huff and an argument ensues. He says he doesn't need to say sorry as it was bought on joint card so he's technically only broken what's ours?! Eh?! I say wtf are you on about, regardless of who's bought it if you break something that someone cares about (even if you think it's daft) you say sorry straight away! He says I can buy another who cares. I say that's not the point? We have a child and I don't take spending unnecessary money lightly. Also, why would you not just apologise!

AIBU - It's only a cup, I should get over myself.

Or is DH BU: He should have said sorry to start off with and have done with it.

If you can be arsed to read further, here's some more context:

  • generally we have a very good relationship. He's a fantastic dad, has done every night wake with me and regularly facilitates me seeing friends or going to the gym a couple times a week as do I for him. We have lovely family time on a weekend and he's banging in bed to be blunt.
  • However he has a big ego when it comes to apologies in particular (he's very anti authoritarian and perceives me as the authority in the home, which I suppose I can be at times) and will often try and find pointless loopholes rather than admit he's wrong
  • he's broken glass things before because he's so frigging careless! And just says buy more, without seeming to get that I hate spending pointless money and that it's the principle sometimes

NB: I also inflamed the situation above by calling him a bellend when he refused to say sorry

OP posts:
phishy · 04/04/2022 04:46

YANBU, and all the people above being ‘baffled’ upthread is hilarious.

He ruined a hard to replace set of 4 that he knows you love. He is being defensive and a twat.

However, if you do find a replacement, maybe just leaving them up on the hooks permanently and no one else is allowed to touch them. See how he likes that. Wink

PiperPosey · 04/04/2022 04:56

If you can get my husband to compliment me when I have taken extra time on my make-up, clothes and hair when we go out to dinner...
................................
I will get your husband to say he's sorry for breaking your cup.

PS...especially since yours is "banging in bed."

HELLITHURT · 04/04/2022 05:42

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Just wondering, does he ever break any stuff of his own - or is it only the things that matter to you that have these 'accidents'?
That's a reach!
HELLITHURT · 04/04/2022 05:47

[quote ReallyMadHatter]**@gannett I have 3 more for a 4 hook mantle! He knows this will bother me and I will have to find a whole new set.
I do agree though with what you've said, I've just never been great at holding my tongue 😅

@FitAt50 Thank you. I honestly just wanted him to take 10 seconds to acknowledge that I was a bit miffed.

@gannett Just read your newest post. I am authoritarian but DH is lovely but lax. He will let bills be unpaid and would argue who cares if challenged. I keep the house running. He generally does what he is told but nothing more. The house would genuinely go to shit if I didn't manage it, not an exaggeration, NOTHING would be sorted. [/quote]
You've got 3 on a 4 hook mantle? Surely if you're using the cups regularly, half the time there are cups missing anyway?

A drama about nothing IMO!

BritInUS1 · 04/04/2022 06:13

YABU accidents happen, it's just a cup

babyjellyfish · 04/04/2022 06:17

generally we have a very good relationship. He's a fantastic dad, has done every night wake with me and regularly facilitates me seeing friends or going to the gym a couple times a week as do I for him. We have lovely family time on a weekend and he's banging in bed to be blunt

Wow, I do not think we needed this kind of context in a thread about him breaking a cup!

Hesma · 04/04/2022 06:18

You’re being the dick here! It’s a household item, you saw he was upset, he cleared it up. If you want it to be yours then bubble wrap it and keep it for special occasions! For goodness sake OP, are you always so petty?

ittakes2 · 04/04/2022 06:24

Seriously! Unless it was a cup with your name on it you are being ridiculous.

Shoxfordian · 04/04/2022 06:32

Yabu really; it’s a cup and accidents happen
Doesn’t seem worth falling out over

RonSwan · 04/04/2022 06:57

I’m with you OP. I’d have been pissed off with the lack of apology, more so than the breaking of the cup (which would have pissed me off too but accidents happen).

My DH had zero ability to take care of anything nice. His mum said she just used to buy cheap tat because she knew the kids would inevitably break it so it wouldn’t bother her. Which is fine, but it turned him into a careless adult who was completely unable to appreciate or look after anything nice. He views everything as disposable. It was almost the opposite in our house…my mum always bought the best quality she could afford and drummed into us to take care of things. As a result DH and I are quite mismatched in that department and it’s caused some challenges over the years, however…he knows it upsets me and will always apologise if he breaks something he knows I like or have spent a bit of money on. Similarly, I don’t get angry when he breaks things because he’s usually very quick to acknowledge and apologise. It took us a while to get there though!

picklemewalnuts · 04/04/2022 07:08

Advice from someone who's been married a long time- invest your energy somewhere else. You will spend a lifetime angry if you care so much about the matching mugs. He's not going to transform into someone who never breaks things.

Stop buying things that you'll get upset about.
Buy more of the favourite item than you think you'll need.
Don't use the favourite item.

I know, it sucks. But it's that or a lifetime of irritation. You can change what you do, you can't change him.

RonSwan · 04/04/2022 07:14

Stop buying things that you'll get upset about.
Buy more of the favourite item than you think you'll need. Don't use the favourite item.

Eh…why should the OP ‘budge up’? I don’t think she is asking for him to be less careless (although that would be nice) but she is asking for recognition that he has upset her.

Original poster
ReallyMadHatter · 04/04/2022 07:19

@RonSwan yes it was similar for us growing up. My parents worked so hard to get out of the abusive/neglectful homes of their childhood and instilled in us to buy once and buy quality.
DH grew up similar to your DH, house full of laws constantly breaking shit and their mum running round after them.

@HELLITHURT @NeverDropYourMooncup actually it's not a reach as now I come to think of it No he doesn't break his stuff!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ReallyMadHatter · 04/04/2022 07:21

@PiperPosey

If you can get my husband to compliment me when I have taken extra time on my make-up, clothes and hair when we go out to dinner... ................................ I will get your husband to say he's sorry for breaking your cup.

PS...especially since yours is "banging in bed."

@PiperPosey If you will help me I shall return the favour. 😂 DH is great in all other aspects bar carelessness and apologies.
OP posts:
Fairylightsongs · 04/04/2022 07:26

Surprised at the small amount of people saying he should have apologised. I broke a wine glass getting it out the dishwasher yesterday, it would not have occured to me to go and apologise to my husband.

I’d have been dumbfounded if he then got angry and upset with me and demanded I apologised to him, I’d have reacted like the ops husband, with wtf, as like the ops mugs, our wineglasses are ours not his and a house thing.

I’m really stunned that if someone breaks something in their own house by accident they are expected to go and apologise to their partner or vice versa.

Anyway op. Don’t buy a whole new set. Post a picture on here, it’s almost guaranteed someone will be able to find you a replacement mug you can pick up cheaply.

DrSbaitso · 04/04/2022 07:29

Neither of us has ever felt the need to apologise for breaking a glass. But I'd certainly expect an apology if he called me a name. We don't do that.

Original poster
ReallyMadHatter · 04/04/2022 07:31

**UPDATE: On the advice of you no nonsense AIBUers I apologised last night for calling DH a bellend. He accepted the apology and then in turn apologised for the cup and admitted that in reality he had left them balancing on the edge when washing up whilst watching football on his phone. He didn't say initially as he was annoyed that I was right and felt I would say Told you so.

I would not say told you so but I would've expected an apology and then to be done with it all.

OP posts:
LittleSnakes · 04/04/2022 07:37

That’s a good update. I think there’s more going on tho with him only accidentally breaking your stuff and also not helping make your house nice. But at least this bit is sorted. I would definitely apologise if I accidentally broke something of someone else’s. It’s just an acknowledgment of the fact that they’ll be upset about it. I even get the kids to do it. It’s ok if something is an accident but the other person needs to show that they care

DHandme · 04/04/2022 07:38

We'd apologise if it was something that obviously belonged to the other person.
But it sounds like these are for the whole family, just like a normal cereal bowl. We wouldn't apologise to each other for that.

bembridge11 · 04/04/2022 07:47

You spent ages choosing it and loved using it. So he ought to express regret over the incident and give you a hug.
But ultimately- this is small fry. You are married - you will face far bigger issues in your many decades together
You you will have to let it go yes
Enjoy your house renovation x

PiperPosey · 04/04/2022 07:50

@PiperPosey If you will help me I shall return the favour. 😂
DH is great in all other aspects bar carelessness and apologies.
..................................................
@ReallyMadHatter Well happy he apologized and you accepted. All is right in the world. Cake

Now I will get my husband to compliment me one way or the other! Grin

BarbaraofSeville · 04/04/2022 07:59

Lesson learned. If it's so important for you to have a full set and they're going to be used and not just for decoration, buy at least a couple of spares. Cups are highly likely to get broken sooner or later.

I don't suppose replacements are available? Probably not in TK Maxx, but you might as well try. Otherwise google the name off the bottom or even take a photo and do an image search.

Or remove one of the hooks so your set is now 3 not 4.

timeisnotaline · 04/04/2022 08:04

@ReallyMadHatter

**UPDATE: On the advice of you no nonsense AIBUers I apologised last night for calling DH a bellend. He accepted the apology and then in turn apologised for the cup and admitted that in reality he had left them balancing on the edge when washing up whilst watching football on his phone. He didn't say initially as he was annoyed that I was right and felt I would say Told you so.

I would not say told you so but I would've expected an apology and then to be done with it all.

Well he is a total bellend then. My Dh would be going out and buying me new ones before I forgave him, since he practically planned to break them by washing them like that.
Iwonder08 · 04/04/2022 08:13

From your message it is clear he uses the cups too. The cups were bought from a joined account. Why the hell you want an apology? It is your joined property. You are overreacting and being unreasonable

Brefugee · 04/04/2022 08:15

from reading all your posts, OP, i don't think he's as great as you say he is.
For a start you are doing all the admin including facilitating him seeing his own family? I think you like the control that gives you tbh.

So how about looking at the "wifework" aspect of all this and stop doing the things that you don't need to do (he can facilitate visits to his own family and if they miss him they can tell him) and both of you should be able to keep on top of bills. Sure, if one of you is better at that, it makes sense for that one to do it, but if something happens to you? where will he be then.

The word infantalising was used up there in connection with an apology. I think it applies in several areas of your relationship tbh.

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