Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH being a dickhead, not me?

181 replies

ReallyMadHatter · 03/04/2022 21:54

Is DH being a dick or am I? (also, I know there are bigger problems in the world)

We're doing up the house slowly due to money, and as part of changing the kitchen colour scheme I bought a set of 4 lovely glass cups, they will be displayed on a rustic shelf I've ordered that has 4 cup hooks. Took me ages to find the perfect colour for a reasonable price as well. They are also practical to use, make me feel happy when I'm wfh drinking my cuppas and I just really love em (that might be sad of me but hey ho).

So, DH whilst washing up, smashes one of them. My heart sinks (yes, really) but I hold off saying anything while Dh is cleaning the glass up as I know it was an accident/I don't trust myself not to be sharp/he's visibly annoyed at himself that he's done it

15/20 mins pass by, no apology, he comes in with a brew for us, turns football on and starts discussing something else. I say, You broke one of my new cups. He then gets in a huff and an argument ensues. He says he doesn't need to say sorry as it was bought on joint card so he's technically only broken what's ours?! Eh?! I say wtf are you on about, regardless of who's bought it if you break something that someone cares about (even if you think it's daft) you say sorry straight away! He says I can buy another who cares. I say that's not the point? We have a child and I don't take spending unnecessary money lightly. Also, why would you not just apologise!

AIBU - It's only a cup, I should get over myself.

Or is DH BU: He should have said sorry to start off with and have done with it.

If you can be arsed to read further, here's some more context:

  • generally we have a very good relationship. He's a fantastic dad, has done every night wake with me and regularly facilitates me seeing friends or going to the gym a couple times a week as do I for him. We have lovely family time on a weekend and he's banging in bed to be blunt.
  • However he has a big ego when it comes to apologies in particular (he's very anti authoritarian and perceives me as the authority in the home, which I suppose I can be at times) and will often try and find pointless loopholes rather than admit he's wrong
  • he's broken glass things before because he's so frigging careless! And just says buy more, without seeming to get that I hate spending pointless money and that it's the principle sometimes

NB: I also inflamed the situation above by calling him a bellend when he refused to say sorry

OP posts:
gannett · 03/04/2022 22:22

perceives me as the authority in the home, which I suppose I can be at times

Hmm I wonder what controlling tendencies lie beneath this detail. As another anti-authoritarian I have a bit more sympathy with your DH now...

Abouttimemum · 03/04/2022 22:23

I’ve broken two cups while washing up this week, and don’t feel the need to apologise to anyone. They’re household items and I didn’t mean to do it.
Thankfully DH didn’t demand any apologies and call me a bellend.

gonetogroundnow · 03/04/2022 22:23

@ReallyMadHatter from your most recent posts your sound ridiculously controlling and very tiresome to live with.

Fairylightsongs · 03/04/2022 22:25

This does feel excessive op. The cups of your dreams, decor cups can’t get out of bed as in a mood, it’s all a awful lot of drama over a cup which was accidentally broken,

Original poster
ReallyMadHatter · 03/04/2022 22:26

@gannett I have 3 more for a 4 hook mantle! He knows this will bother me and I will have to find a whole new set.
I do agree though with what you've said, I've just never been great at holding my tongue 😅

@FitAt50 Thank you. I honestly just wanted him to take 10 seconds to acknowledge that I was a bit miffed.

@gannett Just read your newest post. I am authoritarian but DH is lovely but lax. He will let bills be unpaid and would argue who cares if challenged. I keep the house running. He generally does what he is told but nothing more. The house would genuinely go to shit if I didn't manage it, not an exaggeration, NOTHING would be sorted.

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 03/04/2022 22:28

Your DH is not a DH. You are a DH.

Original poster
ReallyMadHatter · 03/04/2022 22:30

@PinkSyCo 🤨

OP posts:
TinLeaf · 03/04/2022 22:30

@Jalepenojello

I’d be baffled if OH apologised to me in these circumstances. You sound hard work tbh.
Would you really though?
Original poster
ReallyMadHatter · 03/04/2022 22:31

I always forget on AIBU that people don't expect basic manners.

You break something, you say sorry, you all move on...

OP posts:
gannett · 03/04/2022 22:31

I have 3 more for a 4 hook mantle! He knows this will bother me and I will have to find a whole new set.

Embrace the new slightly wonky, mismatched aesthetic!

I actually find it more satisfying to look at a row of decorative things and see one that's a bit out of place, rather than everything being perfect and just so. Life happens to our beloved objects, things break, things get replaced, there's a little story behind everything that's somewhere it shouldn't be.

DysmalRadius · 03/04/2022 22:31

I think you have got into an unhealthy dynamic where you are the authority in the house which he feels compelled to rebel against. If you are generally frustrated about the degree to which you have to take the reins, then that probably needs to be addressed so that relatively minor things like this don't become the big deal that is symptomatic of a deeper resentment about what you perceive to be your role as 'fixer' and his role as 'passenger' in your family life.

FollowtheLizards · 03/04/2022 22:32

I can understand your frustration, but if he's happy with you using joint money to buy a replacement it's not that deep. Life isn't perfect and I'm sure you'll find the perfect replacement cup that will look just right. My DP is super clumsy (and at times I think embarrassed by it) it's annoying for sure, but there are far worse traits a partner can have.

Original poster
ReallyMadHatter · 03/04/2022 22:32

@gannett I will take this on board, thanks for this perspective

OP posts:
Hollywolly1 · 03/04/2022 22:32

I think it is just a storm in a teacup really.I can understand you being upset and he should have said something, anything.I would think he might be mad at himself

NoSquirrels · 03/04/2022 22:33

@NoSquirrels I feel I should be able to trust a grown adult to not break stuff continuously!

Some people are clumsier (or indeed more careless) than others. What you feel or expect is a bit irrelevant if you won’t look at the pattern of evidence!

worriedatthistime · 03/04/2022 22:34

In our house we would be apologising all the time as we break cups / glasses
Household cups we would just clean up and I would never just buy 4 for display I would have spares as things get broken

Darbs76 · 03/04/2022 22:34

You are definitely being unreasonable. Why does he have to apologise to you as he broke something you took time to find? It was an accident. Did you really want him to come in all solemn and say ‘I’m sorry i broke your cup’? If he was a guest in someone’s house and broke a cup you’d expect that but I certainly wouldn’t expect someone to apologise to me if they broke one of my cups

Original poster
ReallyMadHatter · 03/04/2022 22:34

@DysmalRadius Probably true! I find myself organising and fixing everything. Not to be mean to DH as he's lovely but he'd never see his family if I didn't sort it. It's a lot really

OP posts:
JamSandwich89 · 03/04/2022 22:35

YANBU - I'm surprised by the responses here. I think given it sounds like you've gone to a lot of effort to find the perfect mugs, even though him breaking one was an accident, it surely would just be polite of him to apologise....? My DH is always breaking plates by accident and he always apologises - just a quick 'Ahh sorry! Plate slipped!' shout through from the kitchen or wherever.

However, (sorry, I know I was on your side so far haha) I do think the way it sounds like you brought it up is a bit... unnecessary? From his point of view, thinking nothing is wrong and settling down to watch the telly, then getting a 'You broke one of my cups' kind of puts him on the defensive. But his reaction does sound unreasonable to haha.

I hope you can find a replacement cup! Brew

Original poster
ReallyMadHatter · 03/04/2022 22:36

@JamSandwich89 thank you, yes I was probably passive aggressive and should've just said outright that I was a bit upset.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 03/04/2022 22:37

He should have said, shit, sorry, I’ve broken one of your favourites! Let’s get another.

But you have bigger problems, sounds like. You having to do absolutely fucking everything for a start. Him like an infant and moody if you remonstrate about any behaviour at all.

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/04/2022 22:37

Ps please link to beautiful cups.

Cherrysherbet · 03/04/2022 22:41

If you break something that someone else cares about, you should say sorry. It’s just common courtesy.

YANBU. It would piss me off too.

GougeAway · 03/04/2022 22:43

Decor cups, WTF are they?

Anyway, just buy another set. He’s really clumsy so you’ll need some spares.

lisaandalan · 03/04/2022 22:44

It was an accident, buy another set.
He should not have to say sorry they're his cups too, he's not a visitor to your home. X

Swipe left for the next trending thread