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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH being a dickhead, not me?

181 replies

ReallyMadHatter · 03/04/2022 21:54

Is DH being a dick or am I? (also, I know there are bigger problems in the world)

We're doing up the house slowly due to money, and as part of changing the kitchen colour scheme I bought a set of 4 lovely glass cups, they will be displayed on a rustic shelf I've ordered that has 4 cup hooks. Took me ages to find the perfect colour for a reasonable price as well. They are also practical to use, make me feel happy when I'm wfh drinking my cuppas and I just really love em (that might be sad of me but hey ho).

So, DH whilst washing up, smashes one of them. My heart sinks (yes, really) but I hold off saying anything while Dh is cleaning the glass up as I know it was an accident/I don't trust myself not to be sharp/he's visibly annoyed at himself that he's done it

15/20 mins pass by, no apology, he comes in with a brew for us, turns football on and starts discussing something else. I say, You broke one of my new cups. He then gets in a huff and an argument ensues. He says he doesn't need to say sorry as it was bought on joint card so he's technically only broken what's ours?! Eh?! I say wtf are you on about, regardless of who's bought it if you break something that someone cares about (even if you think it's daft) you say sorry straight away! He says I can buy another who cares. I say that's not the point? We have a child and I don't take spending unnecessary money lightly. Also, why would you not just apologise!

AIBU - It's only a cup, I should get over myself.

Or is DH BU: He should have said sorry to start off with and have done with it.

If you can be arsed to read further, here's some more context:

  • generally we have a very good relationship. He's a fantastic dad, has done every night wake with me and regularly facilitates me seeing friends or going to the gym a couple times a week as do I for him. We have lovely family time on a weekend and he's banging in bed to be blunt.
  • However he has a big ego when it comes to apologies in particular (he's very anti authoritarian and perceives me as the authority in the home, which I suppose I can be at times) and will often try and find pointless loopholes rather than admit he's wrong
  • he's broken glass things before because he's so frigging careless! And just says buy more, without seeming to get that I hate spending pointless money and that it's the principle sometimes

NB: I also inflamed the situation above by calling him a bellend when he refused to say sorry

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 03/04/2022 22:10

They might be household cups but he knew you really liked them, a sorry and acknowledgement should be no effort at all.

I say should, because you've said hes the type who can't/won't apologise. Really you knew what would happen when you brought it up, he would dig his heels in and wriggle out of apologising. Thats the personality you married, so I'm not sure what you were expecting?

Original poster
ReallyMadHatter · 03/04/2022 22:10

AIBU was not the place for my rant 😂 I should have posted on the wanting to vent section (MN why is there no Irrational venting section?)

OP posts:
WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 03/04/2022 22:10

Yeah sorry but I don’t think your DH is the bellend here.

HeddaGarbled · 03/04/2022 22:10

I wouldn’t want to put him in the position of feeling guilty for something accidental, which expecting an apology does, IMO.

My parents were like this, ascribing blame to accidental occurrences, and I used to hide the evidence and exist in a state of dread at being found out. It’s taken me a long time to get over that and I couldn’t live with someone who made me feel like that again.

I think his attitude is healthy.

MichelleScarn · 03/04/2022 22:10

I bought a set of 4 lovely glass cups, they will be displayed on a rustic shelf I've ordered that has 4 cup hooks. Took me ages to find the perfect colour for a reasonable price as well. They are also practical to use, make me feel happy when I'm wfh drinking my cuppas and I just really love em (that might be sad of me but hey ho).
So are they 'decor cups' or "special you only cups'? Hope you never accidentally break or damage anything with such high level if judgement!

NoSquirrels · 03/04/2022 22:10

@Quartz2208

I have to say I dont think an apology is infantilising - it is acknowledging that something you accidentally did has upset the other person.

It isnt controlling or suffocating to simply say I am sorry I broke the mug I know you liked it. Here I made you a cup of tea.

And move on

Demanding an apology is infantilising. Offering one isn’t, but expecting and demanding one is, for something like this.
SparkleSpangle · 03/04/2022 22:11

I apologise if I break something. Not in a grovelling way but just "sorry I broke a cup in the kitchen, I think I got it all but watch out for broken bits".

More apologising for the possibility of broken bits I guess. If I broke a special cup I would try and replace it too.

Maybe he doesn't view these cups the same way you do.

Original poster
ReallyMadHatter · 03/04/2022 22:11

What @Quartz2208 said !
I was upset but would have been fine with a 'Oh I know you really liked those, sorry! Let's get some more'

Then done. And then we could have gone to bed early and made up in the marital sense. Now we can't as we are both in a strop

OP posts:
Fairylightsongs · 03/04/2022 22:12

It was an accident and it was a cup. So no he shouldn’t apologise and I find it oddly controlling you think he has to give you a personal apology if he has an accident in the home.

But these are very important to you, I’ve never heard of decor cups, can you not just buy another one to replace it? I know Money is tight but you might find one second hand on eBay or something. Can you link to them? Someone can have a look for you.

Livpool · 03/04/2022 22:13

YABU - sorry but you would would do my head in. It's a mug/cup- despite the rustic aesthetic 😕

HollowTalk · 03/04/2022 22:13

I want to see the cups!

Jalepenojello · 03/04/2022 22:14

I’d be baffled if OH apologised to me in these circumstances. You sound hard work tbh.

NoSquirrels · 03/04/2022 22:16

YANBU to be upset your DH broke one of your carefully chosen cups.

YABU to expect or demand an apology and to hold a grudge or pick a fight. Especially if you then call him a bellend.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/04/2022 22:16

[quote ReallyMadHatter]@TheSnowyOwl but he's done it a few times before with lovely glassware so not a one off from him 😩[/quote]
So then buying and getting attached to decor cups makes sense?

Look we’d all get annoyed, but you sound like you are overreacting.

Iggly · 03/04/2022 22:18

It sounds like he’s not very good at giving apologies anyway, and my DH is like that. He’s also not very good at admitting faults. Fucks me right off, so I over react when he doesn’t apologise when it probably doesn’t matter if he did normally!

NeverChange · 03/04/2022 22:19

It's a cup. I think YABVU. How do you react over big issues?

Fairylightsongs · 03/04/2022 22:19

Can you take a pic and show us the mugs or post a link op?

Original poster
ReallyMadHatter · 03/04/2022 22:19

@PurpleDaisies I want the house to be lovely for us all

@NoSquirrels I feel I should be able to trust a grown adult to not break stuff continuously!

@TibetanTerrah True, I know he's like that but my personality does not allow him to get away with it easily or without being told about it. I can't keep quiet for long

@HeddaGarbled I'm sorry you had that existence as a child, it must have been draining, but in this case it isn't that deep. He has a big ego and he knew that he's broken a fair few lovely things before but cannot ever bear to admit or apologise so he just brazens it out.

@MichelleScarn They we're decor cups that can be used for cups of tea! They look good and are functional. Also, when I break stuff I apologise straight away and look to replace !

@SparkleSpangle He 100% doesn't give a shit about the cups lol but he knows I love them and spend ages searching them out

@HollowTalk I can't link the cups as they're from TK Maxx a random find as you can imagine lol. But they were the cups of my dreams 🌞🌚

@Iggly Yes, exactly this.

OP posts:
gannett · 03/04/2022 22:20

Not only is it just a cup but you have three more of the same cup if I understand correctly.

I don't think it's ever crossed my mind to apologise or expect an apology when something is accidentally broken. The person who broke it tends to be annoyed with themselves and the person who didn't break it should just hold their tongue really.

Sometimes when DP is clumsy and breaks something the words "well if only you were more careful" are on the tip of my tongue, but I simply do not let them out of my mouth. I know if I broke something and he said that I would rage! Demanding an apology is similar but also weirder.

(I like an aesthetic myself but I do think you might be a little over-invested in how "just right" those cups were/are. They're just cups. Plenty of other cups in the world.)

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/04/2022 22:20

You bought it jointly so I don’t know why he’d apologise.

Surely you’ll just order another? What good would apologising do? you were there and you know it’s a accident.

Are you normally this difficult?! Grin

FitAt50 · 03/04/2022 22:20

I'm a man and I think you are being totally reasonable and he is being stupid. He should just have said sorry and tried to replace the cup.

Original poster
ReallyMadHatter · 03/04/2022 22:20

@Fairylightsongs alas I cannot, as I'm in bed being in a mood now as it's a Sunday night and we've argued over cups 😅🥶

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 03/04/2022 22:21

It's you.

mum11970 · 03/04/2022 22:21

Yabu and bang out of order.

gonetogroundnow · 03/04/2022 22:22

It's a glass mug. YABU and also a bellend.

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