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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH being a dickhead, not me?

181 replies

ReallyMadHatter · 03/04/2022 21:54

Is DH being a dick or am I? (also, I know there are bigger problems in the world)

We're doing up the house slowly due to money, and as part of changing the kitchen colour scheme I bought a set of 4 lovely glass cups, they will be displayed on a rustic shelf I've ordered that has 4 cup hooks. Took me ages to find the perfect colour for a reasonable price as well. They are also practical to use, make me feel happy when I'm wfh drinking my cuppas and I just really love em (that might be sad of me but hey ho).

So, DH whilst washing up, smashes one of them. My heart sinks (yes, really) but I hold off saying anything while Dh is cleaning the glass up as I know it was an accident/I don't trust myself not to be sharp/he's visibly annoyed at himself that he's done it

15/20 mins pass by, no apology, he comes in with a brew for us, turns football on and starts discussing something else. I say, You broke one of my new cups. He then gets in a huff and an argument ensues. He says he doesn't need to say sorry as it was bought on joint card so he's technically only broken what's ours?! Eh?! I say wtf are you on about, regardless of who's bought it if you break something that someone cares about (even if you think it's daft) you say sorry straight away! He says I can buy another who cares. I say that's not the point? We have a child and I don't take spending unnecessary money lightly. Also, why would you not just apologise!

AIBU - It's only a cup, I should get over myself.

Or is DH BU: He should have said sorry to start off with and have done with it.

If you can be arsed to read further, here's some more context:

  • generally we have a very good relationship. He's a fantastic dad, has done every night wake with me and regularly facilitates me seeing friends or going to the gym a couple times a week as do I for him. We have lovely family time on a weekend and he's banging in bed to be blunt.
  • However he has a big ego when it comes to apologies in particular (he's very anti authoritarian and perceives me as the authority in the home, which I suppose I can be at times) and will often try and find pointless loopholes rather than admit he's wrong
  • he's broken glass things before because he's so frigging careless! And just says buy more, without seeming to get that I hate spending pointless money and that it's the principle sometimes

NB: I also inflamed the situation above by calling him a bellend when he refused to say sorry

OP posts:
LabRat90 · 03/04/2022 22:45

There's a bellend here but it's certainly not your DH.

boobot1 · 03/04/2022 22:49

@Findahouse21

YABU, I think that asking an adult to apologise for a mistake is infantalisingg
I agree
Springhassprung86 · 03/04/2022 22:50

YABU. Very much so.

AngelinaFibres · 03/04/2022 22:50

[quote ReallyMadHatter]@MichelleScarn Yes! I do, because replacing things impacts on the household budget.

They were house cups but they were also decor cups for those asking. Really gorgeous. [/quote]
But you spent family money on them in the first place. Presumably you could have bought cheaper, more robust mugs . Did you ask his opinion on the cost. If replacing them is more than the cost of a mug from a supermarket then that is the fault of your initial choice. Weird that you have an intimate relationship with a man you expect to stand in front of you and apologise like a little child.

mistermagpie · 03/04/2022 22:51

This is so weird to me. He sounds pretty great (compared to some of the absolute garbage men you read about on here at least) and broke something by accident.

I know you love it, but it's... a cup... it sounds like a genuine accident and he cleared it up and you can replace it. It wouldnt even register with me as something to be annoyed about, unless it was a 'last straw' type thing and he was generally a terrible husband, but that's not the thing here.

I scratched our car badly on a wall. It costs a lot more than a cup to repair and although I felt terrible about it, I didn't apologise to my husband for it - why would I? It was an accident and I'm a grown up and just sorted it out. I don't think those kinds of things need an apology - it wasn't done on purpose and didn't hurt anyone.

Hertsgirl10 · 03/04/2022 22:53

YABVU.

jelly79 · 03/04/2022 22:53

Can we have a picture of the mugs?

CaptainMerica · 03/04/2022 22:53

If you have 4 hooks, then you need 6 cups minimum. I'd probably want 8. What if they get discontinued?

I think you have to expect that in any set of glasses/cups, one will get broken every 6-12 months. That's just life.

Hertsgirl10 · 03/04/2022 22:54

@LabRat90

There's a bellend here but it's certainly not your DH.
@LabRat90

Mmhhh hmmm I agreee.

timeisnotaline · 03/04/2022 22:59

[quote ReallyMadHatter]@DysmalRadius Probably true! I find myself organising and fixing everything. Not to be mean to DH as he's lovely but he'd never see his family if I didn't sort it. It's a lot really [/quote]
I suggest you give yourself a break. They are his family. Just stop being responsible for everything. I couldn’t live happily with a man who took no responsibility for making our lives work. And people apologise for accidents all the time, all the people who seem to think that makes it ok will go out and knock someone’s elbow - no one hurt, nothing broken, total accident in a crowd, and apologise instantly without having had to think about it. As I said to my Dh a long long time ago being married doesn’t mean I can’t have nice things, I didn’t sign up for that, or for washing all the wine glasses and doing all the washing ever. If he were more careful there would be less accidents.

Quartz2208 · 03/04/2022 22:59

But saying sorry is expressing sorrow or regret and sympathy. I cant see why a simple I am sorry your mug broke (which actually is different to Im am sorry I broke your mug) is so awful

Semantically I guess there is a difference betwen an apology (which is saying you have done something wrong) which I agree is not needed here. And Sorry which is far more personal one and also used to express sympathy.

I think here the OP is not looking for an apology but simply an acknowledge that she is slightly upset.

So I am sorry your mug broke would I think have covered it.

Marztops · 03/04/2022 23:01

I’d find it so strange if my husband apologised for breaking a cup! But I also wouldn’t notice if one was broken either - I have no emotional attachment to the random stuff in my kitchen.

Lalliella · 03/04/2022 23:02

YANBU. He should’ve apologised. Accidents don’t just happen, they’re caused by carelessness. You shouldn’t have had to tall him to apologise, he should’ve done it automatically.

AbbieLexie · 03/04/2022 23:03

Speaking from experience this will get worse as the years roll by. It sucks the life out of you. You are his 'mother'/responsible adult.

hangrylady · 03/04/2022 23:04

Annoying as it is, it was an accident. I'm a dropper and you can guarantee it will always be something nice, not the 10 year old ikea glass.

AChocolateOrangeaday · 03/04/2022 23:06

@GougeAway Otherwise known as "Dust harbourer's" in this house!

I also need to see a picture of the cups that caused such angst as to start a thread about it before I can vote either way.

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/04/2022 23:27

A. it's a cup
B. It was an accident

Come on now OP, really?

Nat94 · 03/04/2022 23:31

Its just a cup chill out. Nice to know hes banging in bed though really adds to the broken cup story lol

Cherrysoup · 03/04/2022 23:32

If they’re still available, yabvvu. I’d be very cross if they were no longer made (like my glasses, one of which was broken by mum’s friend who I didn’t know was coming over when they were house sitting, yes, they were doing me a favour, why use my best fucking glasses?!)

Neverreturntoathread · 03/04/2022 23:34

Yabu. He didn’t do it on purpose. Saying “You broke one of my new cups” is very combative, it isn’t going to lead anywhere good.

Stuff gets broken. It sucks.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 03/04/2022 23:42

You're being bonkers.

It's a mug. Just buy another set and keep the spares in a cupboard for when another one inevitably gets dropped or smashed or chipped.

And apologise for calling him a bellend. Totally unnecessary and a huge overreaction on your part.

Throckmorton · 03/04/2022 23:43

Regardless of whether he should have apologised or not, calling him names is way worse. YABU

Comtesse · 03/04/2022 23:45

I would be cross if someone broke something I bought and didn’t even say sorry.

Valeriekat · 03/04/2022 23:46

I don't think you are being unreasonable if he knew that you loved them!

Redsquirrel5 · 03/04/2022 23:48

I get how you feel.

DH never apologises. I have a large set of crystal glasses which were my dad’s ( and mums) he moved them all over the world from one side to the other several times. Dad always packed them himself and only one was ever broken. When dad died I was given them as the eldest and at the time the most likely to treasure them and look after them.

DH was banned from washing them. I had used two and not washed them immediately as my bf was still here. DH decided to wash and dry them and yep he broke one by drying it roughly. IT was only the second time he has EVER apologised for anything. He came through all sheepish and said he was sorry. I just looked at him and said “ Now you know why I don’t let you wash them, I asked you not to because you are cack- handed”
I wash them twice a year and have never broken one. They are very expensive to replace and would take a bit of hunting down. I have sets of eight except for one mum broke and one DH did.

I’m afraid to say if he doesn’t apologise he likely never ( rarely) will. I was always taught to own up and apologise and I would have thought he would have been. It is one of the things about him that really irritates me.
I hope you can find some more. TKMaxx will search their other stores if there isn’t any if you have the code. I love pretty mugs to drink out of.