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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Look at you, you’re worth nothing’

153 replies

Whatsbooba · 03/04/2022 17:54

Dp has just looked me up and down and said this nastily to me during an argument.
How would you react?

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 03/04/2022 21:16

Op. Leave this man. These are weeds of an enemy not an ally. A partner should have your best interests at heart and have your back.
You deserve so much more than this.

Original poster
Whatsbooba · 03/04/2022 21:23

@mathanxiety Not married. He’s British too

OP posts:
OneTC · 03/04/2022 21:26

There's a lot of things you can come back from in a relationship but contempt isn't one of them

AChocolateOrangeaday · 03/04/2022 21:26

Well to start off I would immediately stop calling him "D"P

KittensWearingWoollyMittens · 03/04/2022 21:28

Kick his ass to the kerb. He is a dick. There's no coming back from that so rid yourself of him, you'll be doing yourself a favour

autienotnaughty · 03/04/2022 21:36

@MooPointCowsOpinion

Leave. In 15 years my husband has never ever said anything remotely that nasty or spiteful. Not when we had no money, not when we had two really young children and no sleep, not when I forced him to let us get a dog and he hated dogs, not when I’ve been a hormonal mess, not when I put on 4 stone in pregnancy, not when I had a nervous breakdown…. Never.
Oh my god I think we must be the same person
PinkSyCo · 03/04/2022 21:46

Your husband is a contemptuous bully OP. How do you respond when he talks to you like this?

Original poster
Whatsbooba · 03/04/2022 21:59

@PinkSyCo I told him he was being abusive, he went off, I sat crying alone in the toilet. He took Dd up for her bedtime later. He won’t apologise, never does

OP posts:
CoffeeLover90 · 03/04/2022 21:59

I put a post on here Wednesday night. If it's possible to search for it, please do. 17 years wasted on a 'man' who said these kinds of things to me almost daily. Among many other things. Tell him it's over, make sure you have someone there with you when you do, if possible try and also have someone take DD. Get him out, away from you and most importantly, away from your DD. Please.

Hallmark1234 · 03/04/2022 22:12

I'm so sorry you're having put up with such nastiness from your partner.

He doesn't like, or respect you for some reason and using you as a 'whipping boy', to vent his frustrations on.

Please stop trying to find out why, trying to please or pacify him. Anything you do he will turn it back on you. Gain some self respect and go about your business not expecting any help from him, but quietly set about trying to find a way to leave him, with your DD. It won't get better. Do you have anyone in the UK you could stay with if you got a flight back home?

I knew a friend that did this over 40 years ago, travelling home on the train, with a young child, when her relationship with the child's father deteriorated.

PinkSyCo · 03/04/2022 22:20

@PinkSyCo I told him he was being abusive, he went off, I sat crying alone in the toilet. He took Dd up for her bedtime later. He won’t apologise, never does

He won’t apologise because he is a nasty, heartless cunt who knows he has you exactly where he wants you-trapped! I feel so sorry for you, but is there really no way you can leave him, for your DD’s sake as well as yours?

Original poster
Whatsbooba · 03/04/2022 22:29

I just don’t understand why he said that

OP posts:
maddening · 03/04/2022 22:44

Where was dd born? Is the country you are in his country?

Orangutanteddy · 03/04/2022 22:46

Well, your relationship is over because he obviously doesn't like or respect you but I wouldn't waste my time trying to change it. Leave and move on. Of course you're worth something.

maddening · 03/04/2022 22:47

Does dd have dual Nationality? Is the country in the Hague convention?

I think you need to start to make plans, enquiries, understand your rights, find independence.

If you are not in physical danger and can take time to plan then you should.

The first thing is to decide to start making this plan, he does not need to know, in fact him not knowing until you are ready to put your plan in to action is better.

Somertime · 03/04/2022 22:47

@Eyedropeyeflop

Oh by the way it’s a hobby for some men to find beautiful and clever women and destroy them. Bigger the catch greater the buzz.

Sad but true. No good can come of this.

This is so true. My awful ex had beautiful girlfriends in the past. They were all clever, most had really great jobs. I can see now what he's done to me to break me down and feel worthless. He called me lazy all the time - he has been unemployed for nearly 20 years, no children . And he called me lazy despite a demanding full time job, two energetic children and doing a full house renovation. But I believed him. Don't let this man make you feel the same. You are worth more than him.
maddening · 03/04/2022 22:49

Stop wondering why he said it, concentrate on your reaction to it. Let it crystallise, decide whether you want to be in a relationship with him, and with him is him being abusive. You can't change him, you can work on changing you circumstances.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/04/2022 22:50

@Whatsbooba

I just don’t understand why he said that
To hurt you and make you feel insecure.

And it's working.

Please, please try to stop focusing on why he said it to you and start focusing on why it hasn't made you determined to end the relationship - especially as he's been cruel before.

secular39 · 03/04/2022 22:53

@MooPointCowsOpinion

Leave. In 15 years my husband has never ever said anything remotely that nasty or spiteful. Not when we had no money, not when we had two really young children and no sleep, not when I forced him to let us get a dog and he hated dogs, not when I’ve been a hormonal mess, not when I put on 4 stone in pregnancy, not when I had a nervous breakdown…. Never.
Why would you force a person who hates dogs to get a dog?
chisanunian · 04/04/2022 00:23

@Whatsbooba

I just don’t understand why he said that
It's not you, and it's not your fault.

Some people are just bastards who enjoy hurting people.

LovelyYellowLabrador · 04/04/2022 00:32

Math or anyone really
I get you say why doesn’t matter, I really do
But why do you think some men behave this way as my dh stepdad is like this
Poo poos everything my dh is, has, does, hopes for
And know it doenst Matter why
I get he’s a toxic areshole
But why’s wrong with his stepdad to behave that way in the first place ?

Op please leave you and your dad deserve more
I promise you do

LaingsAcidTab · 04/04/2022 00:32

@Whatsbooba

I just don’t understand why he said that
Look up psychological "projection". He is projecting his feelings of worthlessness on to you. The good news is that it's nothing to do with you at all.

The bad news is you cannot point it out to him or reason with him. The only thing you can do that works is to recognise it for what it is, and leave.

LaingsAcidTab · 04/04/2022 00:35

Here you go:

psychcentral.com/blog/signs-of-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship#1

mathanxiety · 04/04/2022 04:11

@LovelyYellowLabrador, it's because narcissists don't recognise the reality of other people, and don't understand where they end and other people begin.

They see other people as blank screens into which they can project their own self loathing and all the other negatives they feel about themselves. Also all the aspirations.

Initially in a relationship a narcissist feels good about himself because he has captured the attention of someone he wants to impress.

Gradually the shine wears off, the feelings become old hat, and he reverts to the same old bottomless pit of self hatred he always was. the prize he captured is now worthless to him because he has captured her.

A process of devaluation begins. The former love object is despised. The unlucky person was never truly seen in three dimensions by the narcissist. She was always a screen onto which he projected first his aspirations and then his self loathing. The switch from pedestal to garbage can can happen very fast.

There is an Australian therapist who has a lot of excellent YouTube offerings on narcissism and relationships with narcissists. Hang on and I'll see if I can find him...

mathanxiety · 04/04/2022 04:13

Look up "Vital Mind Psychology narcissism" on YouTube for a great selection of talks on narcissism.