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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Look at you, you’re worth nothing’

153 replies

Whatsbooba · 03/04/2022 17:54

Dp has just looked me up and down and said this nastily to me during an argument.
How would you react?

OP posts:
Eyedropeyeflop · 03/04/2022 19:37

Oh by the way it’s a hobby for some men to find beautiful and clever women and destroy them. Bigger the catch greater the buzz.

Sad but true. No good can come of this.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/04/2022 19:37

@Eyedropeyeflop

Oh by the way it’s a hobby for some men to find beautiful and clever women and destroy them. Bigger the catch greater the buzz.

Sad but true. No good can come of this.

Absolutely this. So, so, so true.

The same disgusting mentality as big game hunters.

passportpanics · 03/04/2022 19:38

[quote Whatsbooba]@passportpanics I don’t understand where that sentence came from though? To jump to that so quickly, I don’t understand in what way I’m worth nothing 🤷🏻‍♀️I have a degree, always worked hard, now at home with Dd, do everything for her and put my heart into it all. I was stood there, in my pyjamas after spending hours sorting out our wardrobes and his clothes aswell as mine and I just felt so disgusting and fat and horrible[/quote]
You are assuming that there is rational thought behind his choice of words. That he thinks and means what he says in some way.
I would imagine that they were not rational words, they were emotional words, expressing an emotion (contempt, anger, distain? not nice emotions to have towards a partner) and designed to hurt you, rather than to communicate anything meaningful. I’m sorry OP Flowers I truly hope you can leave him.

Sundancerintherain · 03/04/2022 19:38

Can you go back to your family? Do you have a passport for your DC ?

PonyPatter44 · 03/04/2022 19:40

No one would guess these things were being said, most people like him

I bet you they don't. They tolerate him, usually because they like you and are privately concerned about you.

passportpanics · 03/04/2022 19:41

[quote Whatsbooba]@passportpanics Moved abroad, home is the U.K.[/quote]
Great. Do you have family here?
In your shoes I’d be saving up for a one-way flight for you and your daughter, sorting out passports and making a plan to get the hell home asap, starting tonight. Don’t tell him what you’re planning. You can do this OP!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/04/2022 19:43

@passportpanics

Completely agree with you in spirit (and she definitely needs to end this abusive relationship) but logistics wise, not in that way if it's a Hague Convention country as this would have big legal ramifications. She'll need some serious legal advice on this if it's a HC country to do things by the book.

Limer · 03/04/2022 19:48

I don’t understand where that sentence came from though?

It came from his nasty, mean, warped little mind. He likes upsetting you.

Get you & your daughter away from him before he starts treating her in the same way.

Bewilderbeest · 03/04/2022 19:49

Him saying this is because he wants you to believe it so you never have the guts to leave him. He wants you trapped. Please rid yourself of 14 stone of unsightly flesh by LEAVING THIS BASTARD. If you stay, you’re teaching your daughter that this is how men are, and one day she’ll be in a relationship with someone who treats her the same. That’s obviously not what you dream of for her life so please please go. Don’t tell him you’re leaving, just quietly make whatever arrangements you have to. It would be better in the long run to be living with DD on your friend’s sofa than living like this for the rest of your life. You can do this!

Original poster
Whatsbooba · 03/04/2022 19:57

@Bewilderbeest But if he thinks of me like this, he obviously doesn’t give a crap if I leave him, he hates me this much

OP posts:
Dita73 · 03/04/2022 20:03

Personally I’d have done a Will Smith and pushed him out of the door in the process. Horrible thing to say. He’s a bastard

Cherms · 03/04/2022 20:08

He is an abuser and those are abusive words. If you're worth so little it should be easy for you to leave him because he won't stop you. Of course you're not worth so little but I'm afraid the drunk mind speaks the sober truth. He's told you what he thinks of you. Listen.

The only man who spoke to me in a similar way was my abusive ex. I left him and thank goodness I did. I never let any man speak to me like that twice again.

Women's Aid will help you with the emotional side as well as the practical side of leaving him.

passportpanics · 03/04/2022 20:11

Maybe he won’t care OP, which is good because it makes it easier.
But you might be surprised, men have humungous ego’s and the very fact that you (rightly) think you’d be better off without him in your life may well make him angry and try to make you stay.

chisanunian · 03/04/2022 20:35

Is it abusive?

Yes, it is. He is abusing you and he is abusing your child too. You need to take your dc and get away from him as soon as possible, before it gets worse. You simply cannot allow your child to grow up in an abusive household.

Sorry, but there it is Flowers

Bewilderbeest · 03/04/2022 20:36

No OP. You’re coming at this from the point of view of someone normal and healthy, so you assume that he must want you to leave because he hates you (why else would he say something like that). But in his twisted mind, he’ll try to do whatever he can to stop you leaving because it’s about his pride. If you tell him you’re going, he’ll say you can’t because you’re too weak to cope, no one else would have you etc etc (not true btw) because in reality it’s HIM who is weak and worthless. He needs you to bully so he can feel superior. If you left, he’d have to face himself.

blacksax · 03/04/2022 20:39

[quote Whatsbooba]@Bewilderbeest But if he thinks of me like this, he obviously doesn’t give a crap if I leave him, he hates me this much[/quote]
Yes, he hates you - he probably has total contempt for all women, and I bet you're not the first woman he's treated like this.

For God's sake, leave this unmitigated bastard before he really hurts you and dc.

Thumpkin · 03/04/2022 20:49

Honestly? I’d be making plans to leave him as soon as I could. That degree of contempt, that kind of destruction of your self esteem? He’s not a partner. He’s an absolutely vile excuse for a man. And yes, that is abuse. It’s verbal and psychological abuse. He’s made you feel hated and disgusted. How dare he.

mathanxiety · 03/04/2022 20:53

Are you in an English speaking country and is his home country the UK too?

You are not screwed, but since you are outside the UK you need to take that into account when planning to leave.

Is the country you're in the home country of your P? Or is he British too?

Shouldbedoing · 03/04/2022 20:53

He thinks he has you where he wants you now.
You may been yo looking the laws around returning home with your child. It may require his consent so don't unwittingly break the law.

mathanxiety · 03/04/2022 20:54

Also, are you married to him?

Shouldbedoing · 03/04/2022 20:54

Typos
You may need to look into the laws...

AncrenneWisse · 03/04/2022 20:54

I don’t know where you live, but in most countries he cannot take your child away from you, unless he can prove that are not a fit person to look after the child - and that is hard to do, when you are the mother. So you are probably okay on that front.

Unfortunately, depending on where you live, you may be effectively forced to stay there, without family support, if you leave him, because you may not be able to take your child out of the country in which they have been ordinarily resident.

But the things he has said are not okay. It is very, very hard to leave a marriage when you are in a foreign country and have no family to provide real, physical support.

jackstini · 03/04/2022 20:54

Do you have to leave, why can't he?

Do you want to stay abroad or return to uk?

Maybe ask him why he said it, what exactly does he mean?

I'm glad you recognize you are not worthless - keep reminding yourself if everything that you are

Cryalot2 · 03/04/2022 20:57

Flowers you are in an abusive relationship.

Words count as abuse.
You don't want your dd to remember her childhood as her father shouting at you both.

Contract womans aid/refuge. They will advise. You and your daughter both need to leave asap. Things will only get worse.

Be brave and good wishes. You are worth more than he will ever be.

mathanxiety · 03/04/2022 21:04

Do you know why he told you you're not a 'real woman' right after you gave birth?

It's because he saw how strong and powerful you were, the baby your body created, he saw that you were a real woman, and he wanted to take you down a peg and ruin that moment of joy and elation for you. He very likely hates and fears all women.

The garbage he's been telling you about yourself is all lies. It's designed to make himself feel big and powerful. Any insult will do. It's irrational speech, and you will drive yourself nuts trying to figure out where the words come from, and asking why. The whys make no difference here. He has a twisted, ugly soul and you can't fix it. That's all you need to recognise.

He will do the same to the next woman he gets involved with after you leave - the individual person he is kicking in the ribs doesn't matter to him. All that matters is the kicking. He wants to see the other person looking hurt and confused and small. That's what he seeks in a relationship with a woman.

Most people don't seek the thrill that comes from inflicting senseless cruelty on another human being. This man does, and he will destroy you and your daughter if you stay.