Page 19 | To think this was totally inappropriate parenting?

Bluepolkadots42 · 04/04/2022 06:39

Your husbands reaction was horrendous. He needs to read up about respectful parenting. Potentially he was triggered in some way by your DS' responses/behaviour however that is your DH's issue and it's unforgivable that he took out his issues on a 2yo. Your response was what I would have done. Children need to know their feelings are valid and feel understood if they are to develop into emotionally healthy adults (clearly your DH's parents never made him feel this way hence his behaviour today)

Gagaandgag · 04/04/2022 09:27

Yes!! 🙌 exactly!

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 04/04/2022 09:30

@LidlMiddleLover

I would be more worried about the dog tbh

INITIALLY you would be worried about the dog. Then you would do a 3 second Google search, and immediately realise that the dog is completely fine.

Snaketime · 04/04/2022 09:57

He is 2. Yes it would be a ridiculous reaction for a 7/8 year old and a life lesson, but for a 2 year old that feels things much more intensely and doesn't fully understand it is a normal reaction. Your husbands reaction was the over reaction and absolutely awful. I wouldn't never be able to trust him with my DC ever again.

Derbee · 04/04/2022 12:37

For everyone missing the point of abusive parenting, and panicking about the dog.

To think this was totally inappropriate parenting?

Bumply · 04/04/2022 12:48

I spent first years of DS1s life saying "he's only X years old" to my now ex.
In hindsight I was fortunate that he left me when ds was 4, so it didn't continue indefinitely.
He would also make parenting suggestions in front of ds that he knew I didn't agree with and then complain I was undermining him if/when I disagreed.

RachelGreeneGreep · 04/04/2022 13:26

I really think a serious conversation is needed, about this, OP.

He will most likely only get worse in his reactions and behaviour towards the child, otherwise.

SevenWaystoLeave · 04/04/2022 13:37

@Peanutbuttercupisyum

Dog will be fine. Literally a dog can eat a large amount of milk chocolate and any amount of white chocolate with no ill effect. It’s dark chocolate that’s dangerous in medium amounts.

Your DH was horrid though.

This is dangerous misinformation.

Straightupp · 04/04/2022 14:02

Sadly i can relate as my DP has been known to react in similar circumstances. I don't know about yours but my partner seems completely unaware that 2 year olds don't react emotionally in the same way as adults despite me trying to explain. He sees emotion/defiance/tantrums as just bad behaviour and shouts and sends her to her room until as he normally says she can come down and behave properly. Alot of the time a situation can be diffused just by reading the situation and acting calmly.
She's very clumsy and often trips over her own feet or drops something when being silly (as 2 years olds do) he always reacts by shouting she shouldn't have done xyz and how it's her own fault she got hurt etc instead of just giving her a cuddle and then explaining how it could be avoided calmly. To me it's like he's treating her like she should react as an adult does, if I was being silly and spilt my drink I'd clean it up and admit it was my fault for example but a 2 year old might react by crying especially then if they are being shouted at and emotionally that's completely normal for their age!

Sorry! Not trying to derail the thread to make it about me just to say I understand and I think your DH was completely out of order, accidents happen and I'd have done exactly the same thing in your shoes.

RachelGreeneGreep · 04/04/2022 16:43

@Straightupp

Sadly i can relate as my DP has been known to react in similar circumstances. I don't know about yours but my partner seems completely unaware that 2 year olds don't react emotionally in the same way as adults despite me trying to explain. He sees emotion/defiance/tantrums as just bad behaviour and shouts and sends her to her room until as he normally says she can come down and behave properly. Alot of the time a situation can be diffused just by reading the situation and acting calmly. She's very clumsy and often trips over her own feet or drops something when being silly (as 2 years olds do) he always reacts by shouting she shouldn't have done xyz and how it's her own fault she got hurt etc instead of just giving her a cuddle and then explaining how it could be avoided calmly. To me it's like he's treating her like she should react as an adult does, if I was being silly and spilt my drink I'd clean it up and admit it was my fault for example but a 2 year old might react by crying especially then if they are being shouted at and emotionally that's completely normal for their age!

Sorry! Not trying to derail the thread to make it about me just to say I understand and I think your DH was completely out of order, accidents happen and I'd have done exactly the same thing in your shoes.

That is really awful, shouting and sending a two year old to her room. Poor little thing. She is only a baby.

I worry for the children in such situations and how these bullying men will react and behave, as the children get older.

Dinoasaurme · 04/04/2022 17:24

@Straightupp sounds awful and damaging. So sorry for you having to deal with this, and your poor DD. Is your husband trying to change?

As the child of parents like that I've had years of therapy - not a joke.

sweetbellyhigh · 04/04/2022 17:26

@Ozanj

I have a 2 yo and know a lot of 2 yo’s. They don’t get this excited over Kinder Eggs because they don’t get given them. Totally age inappropriate.

Silliest thing I've ever read 😂

TheGrinchsDog · 04/04/2022 19:54

@Straightupp

Sadly i can relate as my DP has been known to react in similar circumstances. I don't know about yours but my partner seems completely unaware that 2 year olds don't react emotionally in the same way as adults despite me trying to explain. He sees emotion/defiance/tantrums as just bad behaviour and shouts and sends her to her room until as he normally says she can come down and behave properly. Alot of the time a situation can be diffused just by reading the situation and acting calmly. She's very clumsy and often trips over her own feet or drops something when being silly (as 2 years olds do) he always reacts by shouting she shouldn't have done xyz and how it's her own fault she got hurt etc instead of just giving her a cuddle and then explaining how it could be avoided calmly. To me it's like he's treating her like she should react as an adult does, if I was being silly and spilt my drink I'd clean it up and admit it was my fault for example but a 2 year old might react by crying especially then if they are being shouted at and emotionally that's completely normal for their age!

Sorry! Not trying to derail the thread to make it about me just to say I understand and I think your DH was completely out of order, accidents happen and I'd have done exactly the same thing in your shoes.

Sorry but this is abusive, your DH is damaging your DD and you need to do something about it

It's not just bad parenting, it is abuse.

TheGrinchsDog · 04/04/2022 20:09

@RachelGreeneGreep I am the child of a father like this.

It causes so many problems as a child and then adult to grow up with a parent like this.

I experienced panic attacks from age 7, have struggled with an ED almost all my life and suffer from depression.

I think had I been brought up by sensitive parents who allowed me to be heard , who treated me fairly and didn't use abusive techniques as 'parenting', I probably would have swerved a lot of issues and life in general would have been a lot less of a struggle.

FWIW I also have a string of abusive exs including an exH.

Starting from a place of abuse has the potential to set you up for abuse throughout your life. It certainly does lasting damage even if you manage to figure it out and get early intervention with therapy.

Your parent are supposed to show you love and teach you how to be an effective adult, not use you as an emotional (or physical) punchbag.

These dads know what they are doing is wrong, they do it anyway. Maybe they were brought up like that themselves yes, but they still know it's wrong. At some point someone has to have the courage to break the cycle. Since it wasn't the 'D'H's here, hopefully it'll be the mums.

TheGrinchsDog · 04/04/2022 20:12

Oh and I only really figured any of this out in my mid 30s, up till then I had just been struggling along pretty unhappily in general.

I had some therapy which really helped but had to stop because I can't afford it now.

I think I'm a bit of a cautionary tale tbh.

Straightupp · 04/04/2022 20:34

@dinoasaurme I know the way he treats her isn't right and I do wish I could run for the hills sometimes. But I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, if we split he would be free to treat her however he liked and I wouldn't be able to intervene, that's what worries me most.
As much as she loves him when he's around she's started telling me daddy's mean and that she doesnt want to see him sometimes.
Every discussion I try to raise about it makes him angry or he says I'm undermining which I guess I am but only because he's being so unfair. I always try to step in and suggest a different way he could handle it, I know I'm deluded to think he'll ever change.

Dinoasaurme · 04/04/2022 20:57

@Straightupp gosh that sounds really hard for you. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. But in my humble opinion I really do think it's not on and as PP's have said, it is abuse.

Like the pp up above @TheGrinchsDog I have experienced a lifetime of unhealthy and abusive or coercive relationships as a direct result of this style of "parenting".

Your husband is cultivating an embedded deep sense of shame within your child- shame that they are fundamentally wrong or faulty, that there is something wrong with them. This won't even be a conscious thought, just a deeply held belief which, if he is left to carry on raising your child this way, will be with her for the rest of her life (only unravelled through years of therapy in my case and still requiring daily work).

His criticisms of her and his shaming of her with the shouting or punishments will be being internalised by her. Adult children of emotionally neglectful or abusive parents carry round with them an inner critic, (their parent's voice) which chips away all day everyday about every micro decision they make, essentially saying "you're not good enough / you should be ashamed / you don't deserve X / you are not worthy" etc etc.

Also, the lack of self worth and feeling of shame will result in the adult child gravitating towards other abusive men, friends who take advantage, and even bullies in the workplace. The "blueprint" for what love and care should look like has been modelled by the parent who was abusive. Therefore the adult child simply replicates that blueprint throughout their adult life, until it destroys their life or until they hit rock bottom and there is an intervention.

Also, whilst you may feel better able to protect her if you stay with him, what that actually does is teaches her the lesson that he is ultimately right. Because whilst you may be the kind parent, you are still honouring this man by having him as your life partner and in your family home set up, and that's telling her that ultimately you condone his words and behaviours, reinforcing his bullying just by you sticking with him, even though you don't parent that way, if you see what I mean.

If he left the marriage and the family home you would look after her. He may not be allowed to look after her by himself. Even if he did, you would be the main parent and as she grew up it would be your influence and your voice she would be shaped by.

Please think about it. Sending you hugs

Luhou · 04/04/2022 22:30

Hi OP,

Not sure if other people have posted but just anf FYI (Sorry!) Kinder eggs have actually been recalled for salmonella. www.food.gov.uk/news-alerts/alert/fsa-prin-22-2022

CandyLeBonBon · 04/04/2022 22:43

Careful OP! One minute he's getting excited over a kinder egg, and the next thing you know, he'll be shooting up pure sugar and and snorting sherbets dib-dabs.

Mumsnet warned you!!

Your husband is an arsehole. I had one like that. Thankfully I divorced him and now our dc want nothing to do with him!

Ryhn · 04/04/2022 23:17

@SnackSizeRaisin

However I wouldn't have bought a new egg as it was sadly gone.

Imagine you were out in a pub having a drink with a friend (which you very rarely do and were really looking forward to) and accidentally knocked over your drink before you had drunk any. Would you have said "I won't have another drink as sadly it's gone" or would you cut yourself some slack and buy another drink?

This! And the kid is only 2

EmeraldShamrock1 · 04/04/2022 23:26

I hope DS was okay afterwards.

Your DH is a dick, DS is an excited happy toddler who lost everything that matters to him in a flash.

His upset was totally understandable.

DH needs to cope on start using age appropriate reactions, DH acted out because he didn't get what he wanted.

At least toddler will grow out of it.

RachelGreeneGreep · 05/04/2022 00:47

@TheGrinchsDog

Oh and I only really figured any of this out in my mid 30s, up till then I had just been struggling along pretty unhappily in general.

I had some therapy which really helped but had to stop because I can't afford it now.

I think I'm a bit of a cautionary tale tbh.

I just want to give you a big hug. So, so awful.

Thedogscollar · 05/04/2022 01:18

Your husband emotionally abused his 2 year old.
Horrendous parenting.

Soni032022 · 05/04/2022 02:23

@eggstremereaction

Couldn't resist the username opportunity whilst name changing but genuinely upset about what happened

2 year old had a kinder egg as a treat, had spent hours going on about it, was very excited, literally shaking and stamping his feet when the lady in the shop passed it to him at the tills (yes over reaction but he is little) anyway I don't let him open until we get gone and he's very good doesn't try and open it the car, keeps saying "I excited" and giggling, was very cute and dh and me were both laughing finding it cute

Got home, I went and got a bowl to put it in, gave it to toddler, he was happy and took it into the lounge and broke it up in the bowl. Came running in with the toy asking me to open it which I did but doing so left dog unattended around egg which he'd left on the sofa so he went running back in to eat it and it was gone and he was hysterical, so upset. I thought it was fair enough, he's two! He was excited. Yes it's only a chocolate egg but he's tiny and isn't going to react like an adult would. Dh said it was ridiculous, huge overeaction, started saying his excitement in the first place was too intense for chocolate, unhealthy reaction blah blah blah. I went to go back in the car and get him another one, shops only 5 mins and it was like 60p it doesn't matter and it'll make him happy and dh said if I dare go get him an egg I am completely undermining his parenting. So toddler just kept crying. He was saying he was sad and wanted an egg, in the end I said to dh I'm just going to get one and I jumped in the car.

Got back and could hear screaming from the driveway. Toddler was in his room (behind closed stair gate) dh saying you can come out when you stop crying. Pathetic it's an egg. I went and got toddler and took him downstairs and gave him his egg and said it is completely ok to be upset, he's not in any trouble and to just be very careful to not leave food around the dog so this doesn't happen again as I won't always be able to go get a replacement. Dh really annoyed that I undermined him and said I'm too soft and he's going to be a spoilt entitled boy. He just wanted a bloody kinder egg.

Was I unreasonable or was this really inappropriate on his part?

Gosh your DH sounds like mine, whom I really hate. My DH treats our boy the same way, as if a toddler would understand things like an adult. "Don't undermine my parenting" is the same phase that my DH says to me all the time.

Seriously, what is wrong with these men? Condemning a distressed toddler is not good parenting. Kids need love, although it does not necessarily mean being soft on everything. But in your case, toddler did not doing anything wrong, he cried because he's upset. He shouldn't be condemned for being upset. That is too harsh for a 2 yo.
I absolutely feel for you and your boy.

wtfwasthatmate · 05/04/2022 04:52

I feel really sorry for your little boy. Your parents should make you feel safe but he'll never get that from him.
Your husband is a horrible man who shouldn't be around children.

Please read up on child development and how toddlers deal with emotions. You can also look at Instagram at pages like Big Little Feelings. You need to understand the damage your husband is doing.