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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He'd rather risk losing his job than telling his ex she's being ridiculous

128 replies

VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 14:40

I've been with my other half 5 years, we have DC together and he has DC with his exP.

His eldest (12) is due to have minor surgery next week and obviously his mum will need to be/stay with him, she can't/doesn't want to take their youngest (7) with her - understandable.

She's asked OH to have the youngest for the day, it's not a scheduled contact day but of course he's not going to say no as it's important.

Unfortunately he is scheduled to work that day and isn't able to swap shifts or get the day off despite asking his boss. In order to stick to his promise to have her he would be risking a disciplinary at work; the outcome of which could be serious as he's already had a fair bit of time off for various reasons and is probably on thin ice (they were legitimate and unavoidable absence but his boss isn't very family friendly)

To avoid the above, and the loss of wages, I have offered (which I said to him) to look after her for them so mum can be at the hospital and he can go to work.

I'm on mat leave so I'm home at the minute and don't have any other commitments.

It seems like the logical option to me, but he has said "Oh no, no you don't have to do that. I'll just try and sort something with work" ..which he has already been told isn't possible. He's needed in.

Full disclosure, me and his ex don't get along. She doesnt like me and the feeling is mytual. However, I care alot about the kids and am happy to help out where I can.

He's rejecting my offer because he knows for a fact she wouldn't agree to it, she's very anti 'me' despite knowing I treat the kids well which they can testify to. I'm a consistent, safe adult who they get on well with.

It's all very petty if you ask me, so AIBU to think she (and him really) are being childish and cutting off her nose to spite her face, so to speak.

WWYD/S in this situation? We can't afford for him to lose his job and the stress is avoidable.

OP posts:

Readyforspring · 03/04/2022 14:41

He cant get a disciplinary surely if its for childcare reasons as he has parental responsibility.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 03/04/2022 14:43

I think you’ll probably find if you are her only option she’ll be ok with it.

He needs to tell her it’s you, or he risks losing his job, then there’s no maintenance until he gets a new one.

Or could you have arranged something fun that co-incidentally the dc would like? Day trip out? If you’re going anyway can’t see her forcing the child to miss it to stay with dad?

Other option is not to tell her it’s you, not him taking care of dc.

Readyforspring · 03/04/2022 14:44

Or he says he'll have the dc he then goes to work, you have the dc.

In his care she doesn't get to dictate what he does with his dcs (a judge told dh that in a similar situation with his ex as she didnt want me looking after dsc) the judge said if dh chose to use the next door neighbour as childcare its his choice as long as dsc is safe

EatSleepReplete · 03/04/2022 14:48

They're both being ridiculous. If he can't get time off either by making the time up, by annual leave, or by parental leave, he can't get it. If his XW has to be at the hospital obviously she can't have the other DCs. So it's you or childcare. Does she realise he will lose his job if she kicks up a fuss? And she will likely lose whatever financial support he's paying until he finds something else? Does she really hate you that much?

TBH if she can't arrange childcare herself & is relying on your DH to do it, especially on one of her usual days, she needs to let him sort it & not try to dictate how he sorts it.

Original poster

VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 14:51

No personal attack intended when I say this but she doesn't seem to grasp that you can't just take a day off work, she doesn't work and hasn't since before had her eldest.. which is her choice and nothing to do with me.. but she seems to have lost sight of the fact that work isn't something you can just opt out of.

She thinks he can just take a day off here and there and it'll be fine.

OP posts:

VyeBrator · 03/04/2022 14:53

Are you sure he didn't just say it's ok because he wants another day off work?

Patchbatch · 03/04/2022 14:53

I don't see why he won't ask her- he could phrase it like I am having an issue taking the time off work, if need be don't worry I will ensure I am off but if you are comfortable with it, would you be happy for VSecondNC to look after 7 year old. This shows he isn't throwing the problem over to her but is also respectful of her wishes.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/04/2022 14:55

@Patchbatch

I wouldn't even ask her, I'd just do it. It's not like op is a stranger.

Ponoka7 · 03/04/2022 14:56

"She thinks he can just take a day off here and there "

You can if it's for essential care of dependents, or rather needed parental leave. Has he told his boss that he wishes to take parental leave? How has his absence days got to the point of disciplinaries?

Original poster

VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 14:56

@VyeBrator

Are you sure he didn't just say it's ok because he wants another day off work?

As sure as I can be yes. He knows what his boss is like.

Does she hate you that much? unfortunately yes

OP posts:

billy1966 · 03/04/2022 14:58

If he is prepared to risk his job for this, he is a moron and you need to think long and hard about how vulnerable you are having children with him.

luxxlisbon · 03/04/2022 15:05

She thinks he can just take a day off here and there and it'll be fine.

Surely he can though? Annual leave, parental leave etc

Seems like a crazy situation all round with her hating you so much and his work threatening a disciplinary for not being able to come in while his child is having an operation.

ChiselandBits · 03/04/2022 15:07

To be fair, you can take days off here and there as annual leave, parental leave etc. If his boss is being awkward that's something for him to address but in essence I agree that he should say he'll hae the child and if he can't take the day off and you're happy, she stays with you. The ex doesn't get a say unless she decides to use alternative childcare.

Aprilx · 03/04/2022 15:08

@VsecondNC

She thinks he can just take a day off here and there and it'll be fine.

I agree your suggestion appears to make perfect sense.

But actually you generally can get time off work when your child is in hospital. And I would be gobsmacked if your husband lost his job over it, but guess that doesn’t fit with her being workshy narrative you want to bring into it.

NoSquirrels · 03/04/2022 15:09

Why can’t you just organise between you and DH who’s doing the childcare (you) and not tell the ex?

Or - grandparents?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/04/2022 15:10

@Aprilx she literally doesn't work and hasn't for years according to op, it's hardly a narrative is it? It's a bloody fact, she doesn't work.

CallmeHendricks · 03/04/2022 15:11

Why does she have to be told in advance?
He tells her yes, it's sorted. Child arrives.
He goes to work and you look after the child.
Child may/may not tell her mother.
Ex mouths off.
You and DH shrug and carry on with your lives.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 03/04/2022 15:11

He should just say he will have his dc, and then you do as you suggested.

Unless she runs every babysitter past him first so he can agree she doesn't have any right to dictate what happens on his time.

Chloemol · 03/04/2022 15:12

@Readyforspring

He cant get a disciplinary surely if its for childcare reasons as he has parental responsibility.

Yes he can. All employers I know say you have to try your hardest to find other childcare before taking time of, which makes sense to me

In this case he has other options

Original poster

VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 15:14

It's not a workshy narrative, as PP pointed out it's a fact that she hasn't worked in a long time. That's her business and I'm sure she has her reasons I was simply explaining that she has lost grasp of the fact that you can't always just take a day off work.

It's not the first time she has asked him to have them when he's supposed to be at work, it just happens to be the only time it's important and necessary.

OP posts:

PersephonePomegranate · 03/04/2022 15:14

He needs to speak to HR about parental leave. Failing that, he is the child's father and gets as much say in childcare options as the children's mother - unless it was unsafe or inappropriate, which of course this is not. Stuff the ex.

tempester28 · 03/04/2022 15:16

I don’t think his boss can refuse a day off if his dc is having an operation. But yes he can just choose to let you look after the dc or he has to make other arrangements ie grandparents

Original poster

VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 15:17

Just not telling her it's me having them would work, but he wouldn't like to be deceptive about it as she's only going to kick off afterwards and he doesn't want the headache so he tries to avoid any conflict for a quiet life.

OP posts:

negomi90 · 03/04/2022 15:18

In this case, is the younger child old enough and with enough understanding to worry about sibling having a procedure in hospital. If other child is going to be worrying, dad may need to have that child to support them.
It shouldn't be a disciplinary, if work let him take an emergency childcare day, then he could go off sick from stress about worrying the children during the procedure.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/04/2022 15:19

@tempester28

I don’t think his boss can refuse a day off if his dc is having an operation. But yes he can just choose to let you look after the dc or he has to make other arrangements ie grandparents

Of course they can! Not everyone works for a decent employer unfortunately

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