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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He'd rather risk losing his job than telling his ex she's being ridiculous

128 replies

VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 14:40

I've been with my other half 5 years, we have DC together and he has DC with his exP.

His eldest (12) is due to have minor surgery next week and obviously his mum will need to be/stay with him, she can't/doesn't want to take their youngest (7) with her - understandable.

She's asked OH to have the youngest for the day, it's not a scheduled contact day but of course he's not going to say no as it's important.

Unfortunately he is scheduled to work that day and isn't able to swap shifts or get the day off despite asking his boss. In order to stick to his promise to have her he would be risking a disciplinary at work; the outcome of which could be serious as he's already had a fair bit of time off for various reasons and is probably on thin ice (they were legitimate and unavoidable absence but his boss isn't very family friendly)

To avoid the above, and the loss of wages, I have offered (which I said to him) to look after her for them so mum can be at the hospital and he can go to work.

I'm on mat leave so I'm home at the minute and don't have any other commitments.

It seems like the logical option to me, but he has said "Oh no, no you don't have to do that. I'll just try and sort something with work" ..which he has already been told isn't possible. He's needed in.

Full disclosure, me and his ex don't get along. She doesnt like me and the feeling is mytual. However, I care alot about the kids and am happy to help out where I can.

He's rejecting my offer because he knows for a fact she wouldn't agree to it, she's very anti 'me' despite knowing I treat the kids well which they can testify to. I'm a consistent, safe adult who they get on well with.

It's all very petty if you ask me, so AIBU to think she (and him really) are being childish and cutting off her nose to spite her face, so to speak.

WWYD/S in this situation? We can't afford for him to lose his job and the stress is avoidable.

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 03/04/2022 16:06

She dies not get to dictate how looks after the child when in fathers care.

He needs to find his backbone and stop letting her runs his life.

Stath · 03/04/2022 16:07

On a side note: I presume your DH isn’t in a union?
That’s the first thing he should sort out ASAP. Then look at other job vacancies.

His employer sounds the type to break/ignore employment rights and legislation so advice from ACAS would come in handy too.

Rtmhwales · 03/04/2022 16:13

We've been to court over this actually. Judge told XW she can't dictate who watches DC during dad's time, and if she asks and he agrees to cover her time then it's choice of what childcare arrangements he's willing to provide. He could have anyone babysit.

What if he just says no actually it's your day you sort it if you're not willing to have my wife watch the kid?

BluebellsGreenbells · 03/04/2022 16:17

Then he needs to ask another family member, grandparent or aunt, uncle - let him sort it.

startfresh · 03/04/2022 16:20

Yeah I'm really not understanding this @VsecondNC

It's as simple as "I can't get time off work. My partner will look after our child, otherwise it's your contact day and you can find an alternative suitable for you"

He's ridiculous to put himself in danger of losing a job when it's as simple as you're offering a favour to make everyone's lives easier.

ldontWanna · 03/04/2022 16:21

You say she kicks off when he goes against her wishes. In what way? What is he actually afraid of?

He needs to message her and let her know his boss denied him time off ,so the only other option is you looking after the 7 yo (or grandparents if that's a possibility). If she doesn't like that , then she can sort herself out.

Original poster
VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 16:23

Well he could when you was ill

He had no choice. I was in charge of a small baby and couldn't get out of bed. If it was his ex laid up extremely ill and nobody else could help then he would have done the same for her, no question, even if it meant risking his job.

The difference here is there is somebody who can help, me.

I’d be cross if my partner of 5 years wasn’t happy to leave their child with me ! I’d also be saying that in order to really put your daughter first - you couldn’t even think of losing your job !!! As if you lost your job - how can you support your daughter or me and our child ?

I agree with this.

He would happily leave her with me from a safety POV, I'm a reasonably good person. Good with kids (including his and ours)

I'm offended and annoyed that he's prepared to cause so much inconvenience just to avoid upsetting her, when she has no reason to be upset in the first place as I'm doing her a bloody favour Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 16:26

They've been waiting for the appointment for months and it only came through last week so it's not as though there was alot of notice, in her defence.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 03/04/2022 16:26

She could be anti you because she doesn’t think you’re a good person/parent and doesn’t want to risk you being alone with the child and would prefer their dad there watching them which is understandable.

I do think it’s kind of you to offer and it will solve a lot of problems if you could look after the child but many people are hesitant of leaving their children with people they don’t know very well.

So either your DP needs to get the day off and get his union involved if they refuse. Or one of their parents are going to have to do it.

whynotwhatknot · 03/04/2022 16:28

Yes you are and you shoudlpoint that out to him-he should suffer the consequences of her moaning tbh

no judge unless theirs a valid reason and proof would say you cant look after his children

whynotwhatknot · 03/04/2022 16:29

@WonderfulYou

She could be anti you because she doesn’t think you’re a good person/parent and doesn’t want to risk you being alone with the child and would prefer their dad there watching them which is understandable.

I do think it’s kind of you to offer and it will solve a lot of problems if you could look after the child but many people are hesitant of leaving their children with people they don’t know very well.

So either your DP needs to get the day off and get his union involved if they refuse. Or one of their parents are going to have to do it.

Thats her own doing though- he is at work on his non contact day his wife is looking after the dc the end
Original poster
VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 16:30

@ldontWanna

You say she kicks off when he goes against her wishes. In what way? What is he actually afraid of?

He needs to message her and let her know his boss denied him time off ,so the only other option is you looking after the 7 yo (or grandparents if that's a possibility). If she doesn't like that , then she can sort herself out.

He's afraid of her barrage of abuse he'll get over the phone and the bad atmosphere at pick up and drop off afterwards. I don't believe she would stop contact or do anything that ridiculous, but he seems terrified of pissing her off. He's neurodiverse and just hates conflict of any sort, she's very high conflict so its just a recipe for headache.
OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 03/04/2022 16:30

Not wife sorry partner

Just10moreminutesplease · 03/04/2022 16:30

Surely he’s entitled to unpaid parental leave? Unless he’s already used it up, everyone is entitled to this.

It’s difficult to judge whether leaving them with you is appropriate without knowing what your relationship with the children is like, but it’s good of you to offer.

Original poster
VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 16:34

@whynotwhatknot

Yes you are and you shoudlpoint that out to him-he should suffer the consequences of her moaning tbh

no judge unless theirs a valid reason and proof would say you cant look after his children

No valid reason whatsoever beyond the fact she doesn't like me and we don't get on. I've never been anything but kind to the DC. Personally, I think she feels threatened and doesn't like the fact there is a woman in their life that isn't her.

Some people are just like that I suppose, don't want their kids having meaningful relationships with their children. Terroritorial maybe?

Either way, no safeguarding issues or anything like that, she just doesn't like me.

I guess I wouldn't want to leave my children with somebody I don't like myself, but then I'd like to think I'd be sensible about it and recognise that I'm being silly, if the case where like this one.

OP posts:
Hoplesscynic · 03/04/2022 16:34

Too much headache over a non-issue. Either you watch the child or she sorts it out. Simples. Are your DP and his ex always like this? .
Can't believe your DP is so dense, to risk losing his job. Only one advice here, LTB.

Original poster
VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 16:35

Don't want their kids having a relationship with a woman that isn't her, that should have said.

OP posts:
Sewannoying · 03/04/2022 16:37

@Just10moreminutesplease

Surely he’s entitled to unpaid parental leave? Unless he’s already used it up, everyone is entitled to this.

It’s difficult to judge whether leaving them with you is appropriate without knowing what your relationship with the children is like, but it’s good of you to offer.

You have to give 21 days notice for this, and the OP said the op is next week.
itsgettingweird · 03/04/2022 16:42

@VsecondNC

Just not telling her it's me having them would work, but he wouldn't like to be deceptive about it as she's only going to kick off afterwards and he doesn't want the headache so he tries to avoid any conflict for a quiet life.
This is where he needs to make a stand.

He is their father and he gets to decide what they do on his contact time. That includes him making the decision that his partner and mother of one of his children is safe to look after his dd.

Does she ask him before anyone looks after the kids on her contact time?

He needs to learn to grey rock.

funinthesun19 · 03/04/2022 16:44

I actually applaud him for trying to take responsibility of this himself as their father, instead of the usual threads where he automatically expects his wife/partner to solve it for everyone.

dfendyr · 03/04/2022 16:52

@Readyforspring

He cant get a disciplinary surely if its for childcare reasons as he has parental responsibility.
really?
viques · 03/04/2022 16:55

@billy1966

If he is prepared to risk his job for this, he is a moron and you need to think long and hard about how vulnerable you are having children with him.
Bit late since the op is on maternity leave, but I am sure she welcomes the input.
HeadNorth · 03/04/2022 16:56

If he could take random days off to look after you, it is not unreasonable for his ex to think he can do the same to look after his own child. It sounds to me like you are enjoying the chance to stir the pot with the ex.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/04/2022 16:57

@HeadNorth

If he could take random days off to look after you, it is not unreasonable for his ex to think he can do the same to look after his own child. It sounds to me like you are enjoying the chance to stir the pot with the ex.
Why would his ex even know that?

Anyone who understands how jobs work, would realise that someone who has had lots of time off for whatever reason, is less likely to get further time off.

OrchardBlack · 03/04/2022 17:00

@HeadNorth

If he could take random days off to look after you, it is not unreasonable for his ex to think he can do the same to look after his own child. It sounds to me like you are enjoying the chance to stir the pot with the ex.
Oh stop that. Honestly. Read the full thread and the OP's responses before jumping on completely the wrong narrative to serve your own purposes.

I agree with PP's OP, this is a her problem and as it isn't even his contact day technically it's for her to sort anyway. Just have the other SC on the day and if she wants to cut her nose off to spite her face that's on her. She needs to get a grip. and a job