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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He'd rather risk losing his job than telling his ex she's being ridiculous

128 replies

VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 14:40

I've been with my other half 5 years, we have DC together and he has DC with his exP.

His eldest (12) is due to have minor surgery next week and obviously his mum will need to be/stay with him, she can't/doesn't want to take their youngest (7) with her - understandable.

She's asked OH to have the youngest for the day, it's not a scheduled contact day but of course he's not going to say no as it's important.

Unfortunately he is scheduled to work that day and isn't able to swap shifts or get the day off despite asking his boss. In order to stick to his promise to have her he would be risking a disciplinary at work; the outcome of which could be serious as he's already had a fair bit of time off for various reasons and is probably on thin ice (they were legitimate and unavoidable absence but his boss isn't very family friendly)

To avoid the above, and the loss of wages, I have offered (which I said to him) to look after her for them so mum can be at the hospital and he can go to work.

I'm on mat leave so I'm home at the minute and don't have any other commitments.

It seems like the logical option to me, but he has said "Oh no, no you don't have to do that. I'll just try and sort something with work" ..which he has already been told isn't possible. He's needed in.

Full disclosure, me and his ex don't get along. She doesnt like me and the feeling is mytual. However, I care alot about the kids and am happy to help out where I can.

He's rejecting my offer because he knows for a fact she wouldn't agree to it, she's very anti 'me' despite knowing I treat the kids well which they can testify to. I'm a consistent, safe adult who they get on well with.

It's all very petty if you ask me, so AIBU to think she (and him really) are being childish and cutting off her nose to spite her face, so to speak.

WWYD/S in this situation? We can't afford for him to lose his job and the stress is avoidable.

OP posts:
CrowUpNorth · 03/04/2022 17:01

Dh asked if he could have the day off, that's fair enough. Work said no. Its not nice of them but probably legal. OP isn't stirring if she is worried her dh is going to do something silly to avoid having to put across to his ex the perfectly reasonable proposition that OP will have to look after the kids, or ex has to sort care herself.

amicissimma · 03/04/2022 17:09

He just needs to say that if she wants him to sort care for the DC it will be you. Or she will have to make another arrangement. And repeat as necessary.

If she kicks off he'll have to hold the phone away from his ear.

It sounds as if similar issues could arise in future so he might as well start standing his ground now.

Mellowyellow222 · 03/04/2022 17:12

Surely the seven year old is in school so he only needs the afternoon?

Seems very hard that his boss wouldn’t give home leave when his child is in hospital - Will he ba able to visit if you aren’t allowed to
Look after the seven year old?

Are you never alone with the child? Seems very odd

ldontWanna · 03/04/2022 17:16

@HeadNorth

If he could take random days off to look after you, it is not unreasonable for his ex to think he can do the same to look after his own child. It sounds to me like you are enjoying the chance to stir the pot with the ex.
Bullshit. Everyone knows there's a limit to how many days off you can take. Plus OP is happy to look after the child, the arrangements are still in place and the ex is not left in the lurch with no notice. She just doesn't like the arrangement. That's tough titties.
ldontWanna · 03/04/2022 17:16

@Mellowyellow222

Surely the seven year old is in school so he only needs the afternoon?

Seems very hard that his boss wouldn’t give home leave when his child is in hospital - Will he ba able to visit if you aren’t allowed to
Look after the seven year old?

Are you never alone with the child? Seems very odd

Easter holidays this week and next in a lot of places.
ancientgran · 03/04/2022 17:19

@luxxlisbon

She thinks he can just take a day off here and there and it'll be fine.

Surely he can though? Annual leave, parental leave etc

Seems like a crazy situation all round with her hating you so much and his work threatening a disciplinary for not being able to come in while his child is having an operation.

I think the rules on parental leave are you take it in weeks not days and it is unpaid so I suppose it depends if you can afford to lose a weeks pay.

I'm retired but was a Senior HR Manager, we never enforced that, if a child was in hospital parent would get at least a day off paid but the rules did used to be if you were entitled to parental leave you took it in weeks. It might have changed.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 03/04/2022 17:26

Why not pretend was called in at short notice on the day, if she finds out you looked after the child.

nldnmum02 · 03/04/2022 17:29

I understand it’s a one off but if she’s being a twat about it leave her to organise her own childcare.
Your DH absolutely cannot risk his job over her pettiness.

Original poster
VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 17:29

@HeadNorth

If he could take random days off to look after you, it is not unreasonable for his ex to think he can do the same to look after his own child. It sounds to me like you are enjoying the chance to stir the pot with the ex.
Stirring the pot by offering to look after her DC so she can be with her other child in hospital? 😂😂
OP posts:
Babyroobs · 03/04/2022 17:32

He's being ridiculous. His child needs childcare, you have offered. There is no need for him to take a day off when she can be left with you. Her mum doesn't get a say in this as your partner needs to work and is delegating the childcare to you. He needs to stand up to her.

Theunamedcat · 03/04/2022 17:35

Point out that if he loses his job he cannot pay child support and you are not picking up the slack on his responsibility

HomeHomeInTheRange · 03/04/2022 17:39

If there are no other relatives available then the child goes to a school friend’s for the day. If the option on offer via her Dad is not acceptable to the mother.

LolaLouLou · 03/04/2022 17:39

Holiday club?

GabriellaMontez · 03/04/2022 17:40

It's all very petty if you ask me, so AIBU to think she (and him really) are being childish and cutting off her nose to spite her face, so to speak

How is she responsible? She doesn't even know. He is entirely responsible. It sounds like he wants to take the day. Maybe he's worried about his dc.

ldontWanna · 03/04/2022 17:48

@VsecondNC talk to him. He can't see the woods for the trees right now. Even if she kicks off,yes it will be uncomfortable and difficult for him(I understand that being neurodiverse brings it's own challenges) . However,this solution is probably in his kid's best interest. He will be with someone who likes them and will look after him, and your OH can be secure in knowing he is safe and looked after. Not just that, but if he loses his job, he won't be able to pay maintenance or do any of the things with them that depend on him having a job/income.

I don't think he should hide it though. His needs might mean he becomes too anxious and worried to function properly. Just send her a message ,explain the situation and leave the ball in her court. If she's ok with it happy days, if she's not and sorts something out,that's her choice, if she's abusive in any way, put the phone away and not check it until the next day, or if you have that kind if relationship and you are strong enough to cope with it you can screen the messages for him.

Pleasebeafleabite · 03/04/2022 17:51

Always down to the ex instead of the man actually having any bollocks

I really can’t see the appeal of procreating with a man who would rather lose his job then say no to his ex-wife and somehow it’s her fault

JustANC3 · 03/04/2022 17:54

Tbh I'd just do it. Tell her he's taking the day off and then he just goes to work and leaves DSC with you anyway. It's really not up to her.

JustANC3 · 03/04/2022 17:54

Or he could grow a spine and tell her what's happening

TillyTopper · 03/04/2022 18:07

To me it seems bizarre for him to risk losing his - even though you have kindly offered to look after his DC. Surely no one can be scared of their ex (unless actual stalking/physical abuse involved).

If he's prepared to lose his job over it then he's either workshy, actually genuinely scared of her, or still carries a torch for her and she rules him. For any of more scenarios I'd be ensuring I was fully independent and able to support myself if I were you OP!

TheArtfulBlogger · 03/04/2022 18:12

I seriously am confused as to why you are worrying - he surely is not a stupid man who will risk his job for his ex's views on you?

Just leave them to it

MusicAndDanse · 03/04/2022 18:14

@LolaLouLou

Holiday club?
Yes I was going to say this. If it's school holidays there is usually loads of these sorts of things going on
ldontWanna · 03/04/2022 18:15

@TillyTopper

To me it seems bizarre for him to risk losing his - even though you have kindly offered to look after his DC. Surely no one can be scared of their ex (unless actual stalking/physical abuse involved).

If he's prepared to lose his job over it then he's either workshy, actually genuinely scared of her, or still carries a torch for her and she rules him. For any of more scenarios I'd be ensuring I was fully independent and able to support myself if I were you OP!

To be fair OP did say her partner is neurodiverse, which can mean that he processes and experiences things in a different way. While it's pretty obvious to us , it might not be as straightforward for him.
thenewduchessoflapland · 03/04/2022 18:27

This is your partners issue.He needs to stand up to his ex.You cannot go on like this.As harsh as it seems he needs to stop hiding behind his disability.

I find it puzzling he's not willing to upset the ex but is willing to upset you.

Perhaps refer him to the grey rock method for dealing with her.

What you've offered is kind and it's reasonable so he doesn't get anymore grief off the idiot boss.

oviraptor21 · 03/04/2022 18:28

@JustANC3

Or he could grow a spine and tell her what's happening
Maybe read the bit where OP says he is neurodiverse and practise a bit of 'reasonable adjustments for disability' in your thinking.
Blossomtoes · 03/04/2022 18:30

I find it puzzling he's not willing to upset the ex but is willing to upset you

I don’t. @VsecondNC comes across as a reasonable and rational person, whereas the ex ….

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