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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He'd rather risk losing his job than telling his ex she's being ridiculous

128 replies

VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 14:40

I've been with my other half 5 years, we have DC together and he has DC with his exP.

His eldest (12) is due to have minor surgery next week and obviously his mum will need to be/stay with him, she can't/doesn't want to take their youngest (7) with her - understandable.

She's asked OH to have the youngest for the day, it's not a scheduled contact day but of course he's not going to say no as it's important.

Unfortunately he is scheduled to work that day and isn't able to swap shifts or get the day off despite asking his boss. In order to stick to his promise to have her he would be risking a disciplinary at work; the outcome of which could be serious as he's already had a fair bit of time off for various reasons and is probably on thin ice (they were legitimate and unavoidable absence but his boss isn't very family friendly)

To avoid the above, and the loss of wages, I have offered (which I said to him) to look after her for them so mum can be at the hospital and he can go to work.

I'm on mat leave so I'm home at the minute and don't have any other commitments.

It seems like the logical option to me, but he has said "Oh no, no you don't have to do that. I'll just try and sort something with work" ..which he has already been told isn't possible. He's needed in.

Full disclosure, me and his ex don't get along. She doesnt like me and the feeling is mytual. However, I care alot about the kids and am happy to help out where I can.

He's rejecting my offer because he knows for a fact she wouldn't agree to it, she's very anti 'me' despite knowing I treat the kids well which they can testify to. I'm a consistent, safe adult who they get on well with.

It's all very petty if you ask me, so AIBU to think she (and him really) are being childish and cutting off her nose to spite her face, so to speak.

WWYD/S in this situation? We can't afford for him to lose his job and the stress is avoidable.

OP posts:
Original poster
VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 15:25

Yeah his boss is a real arsehole.

He sustained an injury at work which affected his ability to do certain things (manual labour job) and his bosses response was to tell him to "stop whinging" Hmm

OP posts:
EachandEveryone · 03/04/2022 15:25

Hes already had loads of time of so much so that he's on thin ice? I think family emergencies can only happen so many times. Why is he having so much time off?

Original poster
VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 15:32

@EachandEveryone

Hes already had loads of time of so much so that he's on thin ice? I think family emergencies can only happen so many times. Why is he having so much time off?
Covid x 2

Needing to come home on two occasions because I relapsed from the second bout of covid and couldn't manage

Recovering from his injury

A bout of D&V

All perfectly reasonable IMO but as I said his boss is an arse

OP posts:
balalake · 03/04/2022 15:32

Regardless of the outcome, start looking for a new job.

I'd be inclined if the company has non-business customers to leave an appropriate review on their website or one of the 'trusted trader' ones.

Chonfox · 03/04/2022 15:35

No personal attack intended when I say this but she doesn't seem to grasp that you can't just take a day off work

Of course you can if you've no childcare? How do single mothers with no help cope when a child gets ill and they can't go to work? They take days off. His child is going in for surgery - if his work discipline him for needing a day off for that then he needs to find a new job!

For what it's worth I do think it's a bit petty when you're available to look after them but also refreshing (and unusual in these circumstances) to see a dad not shirking his parental responsibilities. I admire him for that.

Original poster
VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 15:36

@Chonfox

No personal attack intended when I say this but she doesn't seem to grasp that you can't just take a day off work

Of course you can if you've no childcare? How do single mothers with no help cope when a child gets ill and they can't go to work? They take days off. His child is going in for surgery - if his work discipline him for needing a day off for that then he needs to find a new job!

For what it's worth I do think it's a bit petty when you're available to look after them but also refreshing (and unusual in these circumstances) to see a dad not shirking his parental responsibilities. I admire him for that.

A single mother wouldn't last long at his job sadly, the boss has zero consideration for family life
OP posts:
CrowUpNorth · 03/04/2022 15:36

Its not emergency parental leave because its known about in advance. A shitty employer could legally argue you could book childcare for the other children with that notice and they aren't obliged to allow annual leave or non emergency time off at inconvenient times. I'd be looking for a new job quick sharp if anyone tried that with me.

CallmeHendricks · 03/04/2022 15:45

@VsecondNC

Just not telling her it's me having them would work, but he wouldn't like to be deceptive about it as she's only going to kick off afterwards and he doesn't want the headache so he tries to avoid any conflict for a quiet life.
He's going to have more of a headache if he loses his job though.
Nomoreusernames1244 · 03/04/2022 15:46

Of course you can if you've no childcare? How do single mothers with no help cope when a child gets ill and they can't go to work? They take days off. His child is going in for surgery - if his work discipline him for needing a day off for that then he needs to find a new job!

As pp said it isn’t an emergency and an employer could reasonably argue that he could arrange paid or alternative childcare.

Which, he can. He has childcare in the form of o/p. It’s not the employer’s concern that his ex doesn’t like the childcare arranged and is insisting he does if himself.

Even if you are a single mother with no reputine help, with a couple of weeks notice most could figure something out, be it a nursery, childminder, babysitter, grandparent taking a/l, school friend. My mum would travel the 200 miles for something like this given enough notice, or at 7 there’d be a schoolfriend who would help out in an emergency, and in the easter holidays there will be plenty of day camps the child could go to.

Vapeyvapevape · 03/04/2022 15:48

Is the operation on a weekday? If so the 7 year old would be at school for most of the day . I just wouldn't tell the mother it will be you looking after the child, if she finds out and kicks off, just ignore her, she'll get over it. Your husband sounds like he is being a bit awkward just for the sake of it.

Vapeyvapevape · 03/04/2022 15:50

Oh is it the Easter holidays? In which case I still wouldn't tell the mother.

Aprilx · 03/04/2022 15:52

[quote Getyourarseofffthequattro]@Aprilx she literally doesn't work and hasn't for years according to op, it's hardly a narrative is it? It's a bloody fact, she doesn't work.[/quote]
But it is of no relevance? So seems to be unnecessarily brought into the debate so Op can act superior or something, I don’t know what.

Myboypink · 03/04/2022 15:53

I can’t do it as he isn’t entitled to anymore days off . This would result in me losing my job and then we would all be effected as in couldn’t support darling child here or give you the money to support her at home . Therefore my partner who has known our child for 5 years would be more than happy to do it.

As if he can lose his job ?! I’d be cross if my partner of 5 years wasn’t happy to leave their child with me ! I’d also be saying that in order to really put your daughter first - you couldn’t even think of losing your job !!! As if you lost your job - how can you support your daughter or me and our child ?

I’m sure his ex would be less happy if he said he could no longer pay maintence because he had lost his job !?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/04/2022 15:54

It is relevant. She doesn't work, therefore she probably doesn't know how easy or hard it is to get time off because why would she? She doesn't have this concern. It's nothing to do with superiority. It says more about you that you think it is!

Myboypink · 03/04/2022 15:55

Edit

I can’t do it as I’m not entitled to anymore days off . Taking the day off would result in me losing my job and then we would all be effected as i couldn’t support our darling child here or give you the money to support her at home .

Therefore my partner who has known our child for 5 years would be more than happy to do it. End of . If you aren’t happy arrange alternative !

Sorry but - As if he can risk to lose his job ?! I’d be cross if my partner of 5 years wasn’t happy to leave me with their child! I’d be offended.
I’d also be saying that in order to really put your daughter first - you couldn’t even think of losing your job !!! As if you lost your job - how can you support your daughter??

I’m sure his ex would be less happy if he said he could no longer pay maintence because he had lost his job !?

Howmanydaysuntilfriday · 03/04/2022 15:57

No way can he risk a disciplinary that can cause him to loose his job which effects his kids. The mother either agrees for you to have her kid and says thanks or she pays/finds alternative childcare

Clarinet1 · 03/04/2022 15:57

Surely this is one of those situations on MN where separated parents need to take responsibility for their child at the times agreed. In this case the surgery is booked at the time when the mother is due to have the children so, while it may be OK to ask the father and his new partner whether the can have the other child, if they say they can’t the finding an alternative is the mother’s problem. Could the 7 year old not go to a friend’s/auntie’s/granny’s?

Clarinet1 · 03/04/2022 16:00

Also, the Ex is being over-picky by objecting to the OP having the child!

Kingoftheroad · 03/04/2022 16:00

From an employers point of view, I wouldn’t be happy with this. He’s had a lot of time off albeit two bouts of covid, accidents, d and c. Businesses cannot cope with this level of absence as they have to continually pay for additional cover.

Employees do not have cart Blanche to take leave - many many parents have had to take two weeks off per child simply because a classmate had tested positive.

If businesses are to remain viable and stay open this all has to stop now.

The lesson in this is no one should be absent from work without good reason and only as a last resort. This surgery has been pre planned and your husband should have managed his leave accordingly

godmum56 · 03/04/2022 16:01

@Clarinet1

Surely this is one of those situations on MN where separated parents need to take responsibility for their child at the times agreed. In this case the surgery is booked at the time when the mother is due to have the children so, while it may be OK to ask the father and his new partner whether the can have the other child, if they say they can’t the finding an alternative is the mother’s problem. Could the 7 year old not go to a friend’s/auntie’s/granny’s?
stepkids mum "can you have xxx on xxx day" stepkids dad "no"

end of story really.

Howmanydaysuntilfriday · 03/04/2022 16:01

Other option you take the kid for the surgery and she look after the other kid. I'm sure she will change her tune then

1forAll74 · 03/04/2022 16:03

Yours is the most logical solution, why is his ex such a difficult and odd person.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/04/2022 16:04

@VsecondNC

No personal attack intended when I say this but she doesn't seem to grasp that you can't just take a day off work, she doesn't work and hasn't since before had her eldest.. which is her choice and nothing to do with me.. but she seems to have lost sight of the fact that work isn't something you can just opt out of.

She thinks he can just take a day off here and there and it'll be fine.

Well he could when it was you who was ill. Her thinking is probably that if he could do it for you, he can do it for his own child being in hospital.
MajorCarolDanvers · 03/04/2022 16:05

@Ponoka7

"She thinks he can just take a day off here and there "

You can if it's for essential care of dependents, or rather needed parental leave. Has he told his boss that he wishes to take parental leave? How has his absence days got to the point of disciplinaries?

Emergency dependents leave would not cover this and parental leave needs to be booked in advance and taken in blocks of one week.
Makeitsoso · 03/04/2022 16:05

His workplace are being unreasonable. Who doesn’t let someone have a day off when their child is having an operation.

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