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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He'd rather risk losing his job than telling his ex she's being ridiculous

128 replies

VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 14:40

I've been with my other half 5 years, we have DC together and he has DC with his exP.

His eldest (12) is due to have minor surgery next week and obviously his mum will need to be/stay with him, she can't/doesn't want to take their youngest (7) with her - understandable.

She's asked OH to have the youngest for the day, it's not a scheduled contact day but of course he's not going to say no as it's important.

Unfortunately he is scheduled to work that day and isn't able to swap shifts or get the day off despite asking his boss. In order to stick to his promise to have her he would be risking a disciplinary at work; the outcome of which could be serious as he's already had a fair bit of time off for various reasons and is probably on thin ice (they were legitimate and unavoidable absence but his boss isn't very family friendly)

To avoid the above, and the loss of wages, I have offered (which I said to him) to look after her for them so mum can be at the hospital and he can go to work.

I'm on mat leave so I'm home at the minute and don't have any other commitments.

It seems like the logical option to me, but he has said "Oh no, no you don't have to do that. I'll just try and sort something with work" ..which he has already been told isn't possible. He's needed in.

Full disclosure, me and his ex don't get along. She doesnt like me and the feeling is mytual. However, I care alot about the kids and am happy to help out where I can.

He's rejecting my offer because he knows for a fact she wouldn't agree to it, she's very anti 'me' despite knowing I treat the kids well which they can testify to. I'm a consistent, safe adult who they get on well with.

It's all very petty if you ask me, so AIBU to think she (and him really) are being childish and cutting off her nose to spite her face, so to speak.

WWYD/S in this situation? We can't afford for him to lose his job and the stress is avoidable.

OP posts:
EthelTheAardvark · 03/04/2022 18:31

He's afraid of her barrage of abuse he'll get over the phone and the bad atmosphere at pick up and drop off afterwards. I don't believe she would stop contact or do anything that ridiculous, but he seems terrified of pissing her off. He's neurodiverse and just hates conflict of any sort, she's very high conflict so its just a recipe for headache.

He's just going to have to grasp the nettle, isn't he? He can simply tell her that you will be looking after their child, if she doesn't like it she will have to make other arrangements. And then put the phone down if a barrage of abuse starts.

AllOfUsAreDead · 03/04/2022 18:39

@CallmeHendricks

Why does she have to be told in advance? He tells her yes, it's sorted. Child arrives. He goes to work and you look after the child. Child may/may not tell her mother. Ex mouths off. You and DH shrug and carry on with your lives.
This. Stop being cowards and having your lives ruled by her. If she restricts contact, take her to court everytime.
AuntMargo · 03/04/2022 18:55

@Readyforspring

He cant get a disciplinary surely if its for childcare reasons as he has parental responsibility.
thats not the discussion!!
JustANC3 · 03/04/2022 20:07

Maybe read the bit where OP says he is neurodiverse and practise a bit of 'reasonable adjustments for disability' in your thinking

Oh stop it. OP herself has said she's pissed off that he won't just tell her / risk upsetting her so she obviously doesn't think it's too much for him.

babynothappening · 03/04/2022 20:12

sorry if iv missed this OP but what is the custody arrangement normally?

surely there has been times over the years where you have had her children in your care without DH?

she's being ridiculous, as is your OH for allowing it.

PaddleAlongRiver · 03/04/2022 20:25

He isn't risking loosing his job though is he. One sick day is fine, or parental leave. They won't and can't sack him for that.
Obviously your desired outcome here is to overule her wishes. You're being petty. You don't actually know her argument for concerns about you with them unsupervised or what the children actually say. Without that, from her, it is compossible to conclude whether or not she's being ridiculous. But either way, you are being petty. He won't risk looskmg his job, his child is having surgery, be supportive.

PaddleAlongRiver · 03/04/2022 20:26

Impossible **

OllyBJolly · 03/04/2022 20:35

The employer won’t fire him for taking time off for a child in hospital, but may start a disciplinary process for the amount of time off which is excessive. The time off may well be unpaid - is that he issue?

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 03/04/2022 20:37

@PaddleAlongRiver

He isn't risking loosing his job though is he. One sick day is fine, or parental leave. They won't and can't sack him for that. Obviously your desired outcome here is to overule her wishes. You're being petty. You don't actually know her argument for concerns about you with them unsupervised or what the children actually say. Without that, from her, it is compossible to conclude whether or not she's being ridiculous. But either way, you are being petty. He won't risk looskmg his job, his child is having surgery, be supportive.
Have you seen the posts about the amount of time off he's had already and the inflexibility of his management?

And the OP is being supportive by offering to watch her step child Confused

Blossomtoes · 03/04/2022 20:38

@PaddleAlongRiver

He isn't risking loosing his job though is he. One sick day is fine, or parental leave. They won't and can't sack him for that. Obviously your desired outcome here is to overule her wishes. You're being petty. You don't actually know her argument for concerns about you with them unsupervised or what the children actually say. Without that, from her, it is compossible to conclude whether or not she's being ridiculous. But either way, you are being petty. He won't risk looskmg his job, his child is having surgery, be supportive.
And you know this how? There are a lot of people with very law abiding and flexible employers on this thread. Your faith that all of them are like this is touching. And misplaced.
ldontWanna · 03/04/2022 20:42

@PaddleAlongRiver

He isn't risking loosing his job though is he. One sick day is fine, or parental leave. They won't and can't sack him for that. Obviously your desired outcome here is to overule her wishes. You're being petty. You don't actually know her argument for concerns about you with them unsupervised or what the children actually say. Without that, from her, it is compossible to conclude whether or not she's being ridiculous. But either way, you are being petty. He won't risk looskmg his job, his child is having surgery, be supportive.
How do you know that? Do you have a crystal ball or something?
PaddleAlongRiver · 03/04/2022 20:42

No sorry I haven't read the whole thread!
I have had horrible employers, carer and every single employer I've had treats you like scum. However even with collectively probably the worst industry for law abiding and flexible employers, they won't sack you if you call in sick every so often.

Original poster
VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 21:08

@PaddleAlongRiver

He isn't risking loosing his job though is he. One sick day is fine, or parental leave. They won't and can't sack him for that. Obviously your desired outcome here is to overule her wishes. You're being petty. You don't actually know her argument for concerns about you with them unsupervised or what the children actually say. Without that, from her, it is compossible to conclude whether or not she's being ridiculous. But either way, you are being petty. He won't risk looskmg his job, his child is having surgery, be supportive.
OK I'm being petty Confused

We are where we are because when I have offered to mind the kids before, when he couldn't, she has said "I'm not leaving my kids with her" and refused to elaborate on why because there's no real reason. If there were I have no doubt she'd make a huuuuuge point of expressing it.

I know why, it's because she is petty and likes to cause friction where there needn't be any.

She can't stand me and she knows I'm not a fan of hers either, she might think my disliking of her will translate as me badmouthing her to her kids or something. I don't know. That's not something I would ever do or have ever done. There's no reason at all.

OP posts:
SpringsSprung · 03/04/2022 21:15

@billy1966

If he is prepared to risk his job for this, he is a moron and you need to think long and hard about how vulnerable you are having children with him.
So what are you suggesting? That OP pops her kids back where they came from!?!
Original poster
VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 21:17

I think I know how it'll go.

I'll offer again and he'll tell me not to worry myself about it he's got it under control, then he'll probably end up lying to me about his boss agreeing to let him take the day off or that he's managed to swap a shift with somebody.

Then he'll have the worry of work repercussions hanging over his head, all because she's ridiculous and he's terminally afraid to rock the boat.

OP posts:
Original poster
VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 21:19

I'm going to need to be very firm and say I know there's no chance work will accept it so he either tells her to give her head a wobble and accept I'll be having her, or she sorts alternative childcare herself.

Her refusal to be flexible is not about to put our financial stability at risk, I won't have it.

OP posts:
ChateauxNeufDePoop · 03/04/2022 21:20

@PaddleAlongRiver

No sorry I haven't read the whole thread! I have had horrible employers, carer and every single employer I've had treats you like scum. However even with collectively probably the worst industry for law abiding and flexible employers, they won't sack you if you call in sick every so often.
With respect, that's still not comparable. In that industry they can't afford to sack people. I don't see a reason not to take OP's concerns at face value in this instance.
MayMorris · 03/04/2022 21:26

@VsecondNC

No personal attack intended when I say this but she doesn't seem to grasp that you can't just take a day off work, she doesn't work and hasn't since before had her eldest.. which is her choice and nothing to do with me.. but she seems to have lost sight of the fact that work isn't something you can just opt out of.

She thinks he can just take a day off here and there and it'll be fine.

In fairness though, I thought all parents had entitlement to ask for parenteral leave in emergency situations. This is an emergency in sense that a child has to be looked after as other parent is with child in hospital . Maybe I got that wrong…but if they were married still, and you weren’t there to step up, this would happen. So no it is maybe worth just hanging on and seeing if DH can talk to boss agian on these grounds- especially if he’s not making a habit of it. Otherwise, if his job is at risk truely the mum is going to have to just put up with it given you’re willingness to step in to save the day. Thank goodness.
MissMaple82 · 03/04/2022 21:28

Unpaid childcare leave!

MissMaple82 · 03/04/2022 21:29

Everyone is entitled to take unpaid leave for childcare, everyone !

AskingforaBaskin · 03/04/2022 21:32

@WonderfulYou

She could be anti you because she doesn’t think you’re a good person/parent and doesn’t want to risk you being alone with the child and would prefer their dad there watching them which is understandable.

I do think it’s kind of you to offer and it will solve a lot of problems if you could look after the child but many people are hesitant of leaving their children with people they don’t know very well.

So either your DP needs to get the day off and get his union involved if they refuse. Or one of their parents are going to have to do it.

Unless she can show evidence in court that the Op is unsafe they can laugh at her and not give an damn of what she thinks of OP.
Original poster
VsecondNC · 03/04/2022 22:14

I would love for her to present any evidence that suggests I'm not a safe person for her children to be around.

I don't take drugs and seldom drink more than once or twice a year. I'm not a shouty person/parent and strongly disagree with hitting children. I'm a law abiding person and most importantly.. kind to her children.

Nobody else has ever been adverse to leaving their children with me, I've minded friends DC many times over the years.

I'm treat like an OW despite the fact I didn't even know him when they were together.

She's rather childish.

OP posts:
EthelTheAardvark · 04/04/2022 08:32

He isn't risking losing his job though is he. One sick day is fine, or parental leave. They won't and can't sack him for that.

No-one can say that. It depends on how long he has been employed, and his employment history. They might decide one day is the last straw and that they will take their chances in the tribunal.

GabriellaMontez · 04/04/2022 08:41

@VsecondNC

I think I know how it'll go.

I'll offer again and he'll tell me not to worry myself about it he's got it under control, then he'll probably end up lying to me about his boss agreeing to let him take the day off or that he's managed to swap a shift with somebody.

Then he'll have the worry of work repercussions hanging over his head, all because she's ridiculous and he's terminally afraid to rock the boat.

He will have the worry of repercussions if he lies to his employer because he won't speak to his ex.

It's him. He is uncommunicative. Either He won't speak to her. Or he hasn't told you that he wants the day off or he hasn't spoken to the boss.

It's on him. He's pathetic. Stop blaming her. If anyone is ridiculous it's him. He hasn't even spoken to her. You have a dh problem but want to make it all about his ex.

newbiename · 04/04/2022 08:48

Why can't he just tell her he's got the day off and leave her with you ?
Bizarre situation

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