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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have had enough of DHs moaning and to think we're actually pretty fortunate

140 replies

JustANC3 · 03/04/2022 09:38

My husband likes to moan sometimes. He's quite often hard done to.

Anyway, we were due to move to a bigger house after our last DC but things got in the way namely Covid and now with this cost of living crisis we've just abandoned the idea for the time being and are having to stay put.

We are moving out of our room so all DC have space of their own for now (until we can move) and have spent a decent amount making our dining area into a makeshift bedroom with a hidden bed so it can be used as normal in the day.

It's not perfect by any means but the bed is very comfortable and out of us all we agreed that we needed a separate room the least (kids have so much stuff!.

Anyway, this doesn't really bother me. You wouldn't even know if you came into our house during the day because everything is away but my husband has been making so many comments about how terrible it is, how embarrassing and so on that we can't "afford a bedroom", almost like he thinks it's a failure in life.

Meanwhile I have friends talking to me about how stressed they are about affording their rent, bills, food etc..

AIBU to want to scream at him to stop his whining? Yes we have to sleep downstairs for a time but at least it's in our own home! I'm sick of it. We're fortunate that although it'll be a bit tighter we can still afford what we need, who fucking cares if we need to sleep downstairs for a bit?

I know a few people will probably ask the set up but honestly without going into the whole layout it was just the easiest and best way to arrange everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustANC3 · 03/04/2022 09:39

When I say DC have space of their own, they are still sharing not having a room each by themselves.

OP posts:
Newrumpus · 03/04/2022 09:42

We have something similar which works for us in our unique circumstances. It is probably temporary but not very short term. To mitigate this disadvantage of our current set up we would have to lose so much that is precious to us.

Aprilx · 03/04/2022 09:44

Well I can’t say I would be happy with sleeping in the dining room either but of course I know there are people worse of.

daffidoodledandy · 03/04/2022 09:44

How many kids and how many bedrooms?

I think I would be put out, having to make do with sleeping on a foldaway bed in the dining room. It's not ideal, is it? But it's just that he's vocal about it, while you seem to just get on and make the best of it.

likemindedarseholes · 03/04/2022 09:44

I guess it's a half full, half empty sort of thing. I would be thankful in your situation, my dh would be down about it.

Original poster
JustANC3 · 03/04/2022 09:45

@Newrumpus

We have something similar which works for us in our unique circumstances. It is probably temporary but not very short term. To mitigate this disadvantage of our current set up we would have to lose so much that is precious to us.
Yes this is us at the moment. It works fine, it's comfortable, we didn't really use our room for anything other than sleeping anyway.

Same thing, we could move to a bigger house still at a push but we'd lose what disposable we do still have and with that any luxuries we can still afford. In a toss up, right this moment, it's not worth it.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 03/04/2022 09:46

I know there will always be people worse off but I would hate to sleep in the dining room-it’s a pretty unusual situation so I can understand how he might be feeling.

Original poster
JustANC3 · 03/04/2022 09:47

I'm not expecting him to be joyous about it. But going on and on and on like it's the worst thing ever seems a bit tone-deaf right now.

We actually paid a lot of money to ensure the bed was the best we could get. It's very comfortable and thick. He has no gripes about the bed. Just that it's "scummy to sleep in the dining room".

Like bloody hell if that's the worst we have to sacrifice at the moment for a year or two surely we're alright?

OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 03/04/2022 09:47

YABU, your husband is perfectly entit3to his very reasonable aspirations. I would also think it is terrible not to have a bedroom. Just because there are people who struggle more it doesn't invalidate his personal experience. It would annoy me massively if my spouse would preach me about people struggling to find food when I was concerned about my own situation

Unsureaboutit9 · 03/04/2022 09:48

Does he agree it’s not worth moving? I don’t think he’s unreasonable to feel however he feels, or moan to his partner about it. Just like you aren’t UR to feel grateful for what you have and want to tell him to stop moaning. Unless he’s moaning to his friends who are struggling with bills I can’t see what he’s doing wrong really. Everyone’s circumstances are different.

User7312019 · 03/04/2022 09:48

But it’s not worth it to you - are you sure it isn’t worth it to your husband? Personally I couldn’t do - I need my own bedroom as a sanctuary and there’s a lot of luxuries and kids stuff that would be going before I sacrificed that.

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2022 09:48

While I agree it’s good to be grateful for what you do have I also think it’s ok to be unhappy about things you don’t have too.
Just because people are struggling to heat their homes it doesn’t mean he can’t be a bit miffed you have to sleep in the dining room.
You say it’s comfortable and works fine but he’s allowed to have an opinion on it too

Blimecory · 03/04/2022 09:49

I turned our dining room into an additional bedroom years ago. I also know several people who sleep in the living room on a sofa bed so their DC can have the bedroom.

Original poster
JustANC3 · 03/04/2022 09:50

@User7312019

But it’s not worth it to you - are you sure it isn’t worth it to your husband? Personally I couldn’t do - I need my own bedroom as a sanctuary and there’s a lot of luxuries and kids stuff that would be going before I sacrificed that.
Yes he was in full agreement with it and then hasn't stopped moaning since.

He still agrees we can't move house at the moment as it's not worth it, he just wants to be allowed to moan.

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 03/04/2022 09:51

Are you on the same page about not moving? I’d also feel the same as your husband. I couldn’t sleep in a temporary bedroom. I’d need a room I could close the door on and it would be mind.

Original poster
JustANC3 · 03/04/2022 09:53

@Blimecory

I turned our dining room into an additional bedroom years ago. I also know several people who sleep in the living room on a sofa bed so their DC can have the bedroom.
I guess I just don't get the problem. It has everything our bedroom had, we spent more on the bed than our bedroom bed so that we could get a really comfy one that could also be put away if we needed to (we don't always).

The room is separate from our living room.

It's basically a bedroom but downstairs. Albeit a bedroom that can be tidied away if needed (as I say we don't always do it) but we wanted to make sure we could and you'd never know to look at it when we do.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustANC3 · 03/04/2022 09:54

@AgentProvocateur

Are you on the same page about not moving? I’d also feel the same as your husband. I couldn’t sleep in a temporary bedroom. I’d need a room I could close the door on and it would be mind.
You can close the door.

And yes he's on the same page. He agrees he doesn't want to move at the moment.

It's purely because he just wants to "have a moan".

OP posts:
HollowedOut · 03/04/2022 09:54

I couldn’t cope with sleeping in the dining room and having to put my bed away every morning,m. I would much prefer to go without some luxuries for a few years and have my own room. You wouldn’t and that is also fine.

But the fact is that you’re getting your way and your husband isn’t getting his. He’s upset about it. He’ll either get used to it, carry on moaning forever or until you give him what he wants or he leaves. I guess you just need to decide which one of those you’re happiest with.

Blimecory · 03/04/2022 09:55

Just call it a downstairs bedroom and stop thinking of it as a dining room. Do you have space in the kitchen or living room for a table?

moomims · 03/04/2022 09:55

I would have absolutely no problem with this, I too know people who sleep and have slept on a sofa bed in the living room. I honestly think it's better than possibly stretching yourself to get something bigger. As I have aged I realise that the pushing to try and get bigger and better isn't worth it and I wish I had known it when I was young.

ZaraSizeMedium · 03/04/2022 09:56

No that wouldn’t work for me, sleeping on a pull out in the dining room. I’d be moaning about it too.

I think perhaps you think it was the easiest way to arrange everyone, but it doesn’t seem like now that’s in practice he agrees any more.

Curious as to why you won’t post the set-up now though? Are you worried we’ll all agree with him?

Seeline · 03/04/2022 09:56

How old are the DCs and how many?

CurbsideProphet · 03/04/2022 09:56

Being continually complained at like this would really wear me down. What does he want to achieve by always being so negative about something that you can't fix immediately? Sometimes we need to be a grown up and just get on with things.

PegasusReturns · 03/04/2022 09:56

I’d be very upset to lose my bedroom. Of course people have it worse but I’d find it difficult not to have my own space.

I have a space other than my bedroom which is completely my own and find it very stressful when anyone uses it. It’s my sanctuary.

I suspect this means your DH is not actually in agreement regarding your plans for moving.

Daisyonthelawn · 03/04/2022 09:57

This is why the much-encouraged ‘talk about it’ doesn’t always work.

I quickly get irritated by people moaning. I start to feel as if they are making digs and I often want to snap ‘what do you expect me to do about it.’

But I also understand why he feels as he does. He’s better writing in a diary or similar. When you’re constantly listening to other peoples misery, it fast gets you down too.