AIBU to have had enough of DHs moaning and to think we're actually pretty fortunate

[JustANC3]

My husband likes to moan sometimes. He's quite often hard done to.

Anyway, we were due to move to a bigger house after our last DC but things got in the way namely Covid and now with this cost of living crisis we've just abandoned the idea for the time being and are having to stay put.

We are moving out of our room so all DC have space of their own for now (until we can move) and have spent a decent amount making our dining area into a makeshift bedroom with a hidden bed so it can be used as normal in the day.

It's not perfect by any means but the bed is very comfortable and out of us all we agreed that we needed a separate room the least (kids have so much stuff!.

Anyway, this doesn't really bother me. You wouldn't even know if you came into our house during the day because everything is away but my husband has been making so many comments about how terrible it is, how embarrassing and so on that we can't "afford a bedroom", almost like he thinks it's a failure in life.

Meanwhile I have friends talking to me about how stressed they are about affording their rent, bills, food etc..

AIBU to want to scream at him to stop his whining? Yes we have to sleep downstairs for a time but at least it's in our own home! I'm sick of it. We're fortunate that although it'll be a bit tighter we can still afford what we need, who fucking cares if we need to sleep downstairs for a bit?

I know a few people will probably ask the set up but honestly without going into the whole layout it was just the easiest and best way to arrange everyone.

No way could I live with sleeping in a dining room and clearing the bed away. I think that’s perfectly reasonable.

(To feel upset about it I mean)

So your current set up is not ideal and you both came up with a solution which makes it work.

And he is still moaning.

Next time he moans reply, "And what is your solution?" .

Then do this every single time.

If he's unhappy then he needs to find a new solution.

If there isn't one either in the immediate , or the longer term, then he needs to shut up

I'm not asking if Mumsnetters would do this themselves. Point is, he agreed to it, still agrees it's the best thing for now but still moans all the time.

"My DH keeps moaning, but I don't want to hear potential solutions. I'd rather just complain about him"

Oh, the irony

No way could I live with sleeping in a dining room and clearing the bed away. I think that’s perfectly reasonable

Presumably the extra child(ren) was a decision they both made. I'm assuming he made no attempt to stop it from happening like wearing a condom? That's something he could have done about it.

Its all a bit late to start making everyone miserable about a situation that you yourself contributed to and agreed to. op says there was alot of discussion about the set up. He could have said no. That was the time.

This, well this is just all about making everyone else miserable alongside him

@notanothertakeaway

"My DH keeps moaning, but I don't want to hear potential solutions. I'd rather just complain about him"

Oh, the irony

I didn't ask you for potential solutions... Me and him have been through many potential solutions I assure you none of which he wanted to do.

So rather than dismissing DH as ‘moaning’ why not understand that he is legitimately upset.

The obvious way forward is to bin the dining room for now, and only use it as a bedroom. Personally I would have put one of the kids in it as I’d want to be on the same floor as the bathroom. (Unless you’re in a bungalow).

Having to sleep on a hideaway bed every night wouldn't be my idea of fun and I'd probably moan about it for a while too. Do you have wardrobes etc in the dining room?

We are also ‘scummy’ downstairs sleepers 😆no it’s not ideal and I miss having a bedroom but constantly moaning about something we can’t change would drive me mad. On a side note can I ask what bed you have? We can’t find one that’s both comfortable and for long term use.

@Whatwouldscullydo

No way could I live with sleeping in a dining room and clearing the bed away. I think that’s perfectly reasonable

Presumably the extra child(ren) was a decision they both made. I'm assuming he made no attempt to stop it from happening like wearing a condom? That's something he could have done about it.

Its all a bit late to start making everyone miserable about a situation that you yourself contributed to and agreed to. op says there was alot of discussion about the set up. He could have said no. That was the time.

This, well this is just all about making everyone else miserable alongside him

It sounds like a blended family so I guess there are kids from both sides and a house that was never meant to accommodate that many children.

Your husband cannot help how he feels but tell him, strongly, that his moaning about the situation is irritating you beyond words and that it doesn't help at all. Then he'll pipe down and maybe moan to someone else (I always find talking to myself is best ;) ).

The position you are in is fine for a couple of years. Anyway you have no choice but to make the best of it and it sounds as though you are. Good luck.

Of course he didn't want to do them.

Moany people don't actually want a solution . Solutions make them actively angry and there will be a shit Ton of manufacturering reasons why they won't work or why they can't be made to work.

If you won the lottery tomorrow and could buy any house you wanted there would be a reason why the houses weren't suitable, why he can't drive an extra 3 miles to work, why the kids cant go to the school there etc. The paint house love js been discontinued so you will never be able to have the lounge you live so much re created kinda thing.

@TatianaBis

So rather than dismissing DH as ‘moaning’ why not understand that he is legitimately upset.

The obvious way forward is to bin the dining room for now, and only use it as a bedroom. Personally I would have put one of the kids in it as I’d want to be on the same floor as the bathroom. (Unless you’re in a bungalow).

But the DH is free to suggest and implement this, and he hasn't. OP isn't stopping him. They have collectively agreed that the current setup is the best option. Neither of them is thrilled by it, but it is what it is. I totally understand him having a quick moan every now and then, but what's the point of constantly whining? It achieves nothing and just drags everyone else down.

Some men feel much more pressure than women to be providers and you don't have to look far on MN to see sexist assumptions which reinforce this. The meaning of not being able to afford a bedroom for you is likely to be much more significant for him than for you. Honestly it sounds like you are being really unsympathetic to him. Perhaps he just needs a hug at those times rather than a cross reaction. I'd really struggle with having no room tbh because even if I don't usually use my bedroom in the day, I want to know that I can.

I'd be saying to him that he gets one more week to main about and then you expect him to shut up.

It sounds much better than sharing with a toddler.

I actually don’t blame your husband. It’s pretty shit being a grown up and not having a bedroom! I use ours to escape to all the time, adults need a space for quiet time too. Why couldn’t your kids share for longer, or build a partition in their room?

I think I’d be pretty pissed off with this too and though I like to moan I’d probably want it to be a permanent bedroom and not a fold away bed.

Is there no option to build an extension/convert attic to get the extra room you need?

I totally understand why you're frustrated OP. You've found a solution that works ok for the next couple of years. Not perfect, but better than struggling financially and getting into debt. As you say, he agreed to it and is now dragging you down with constant moaning.

I think more people should take a leaf out of your book actually, be grateful for what your have and count your blessings rather than always looking at the negatives and wanting something better.

Why couldn’t your kids share for longer, or build a partition in their room?

Our youngest DC were sharing with us as I've already said.

Is there no option to build an extension/convert attic to get the extra room you need?

We did look into this extensively among many other things.

@Blurp

But the DH is free to suggest and implement this, and he hasn't. OP isn't stopping him. They have collectively agreed that the current setup is the best option. Neither of them is thrilled by it, but it is what it is. I totally understand him having a quick moan every now and then, but what's the point of constantly whining? It achieves nothing and just drags everyone else down.

You’ve met him have you?

DH may feel bad moving everyone around again and that’s why he hasn’t pushed the point. They collectively agreed but DH is unhappy so something needs to change. I think OP needs to understand how much this is upsetting him and support a different solution.

Moaning is a defence mechanism which tried to reflect the problem onto the situation and away from own feelings of fear and inadequacy etc

(which in itself keeps a person stuck and in a comfort zone).

What is his moaning really telling you?
You can’t do this but for him op - but some sort of action to combat what he is afraid of will help.

Eg afraid of seeing himself as a failure who can’t provide for his family - take action to look for new job.

Eg afraid of not having a space of his own to recharge- find an alternative eg a shed

(I know they sound a bit sexist assumptions of fears and solutions but they sort of work in a lot of situations and are just examples).

I sympathize with you both. It's shit that you've not got a proper bedroom and it's crap you've to listen to him. The bedroom dining room is a symbol to him for failure I assume.
I also feel doubly sorry for you that everyone is wrecking your head on the thread about bedrooms- if it wasn't the bedroom it would be something else, you had lovely plans and they got postponed which is shit. There's no solution. I'm hoping he'll calm down as time goes on?
I do think it's ok that he complains though but can you maybe make a joke of it? Like 3 complaints a day or something? He mightn't realize how much he's doing it. (I am very tired- I do not have the will to correct the American spellings)

[quote TatianaBis]@Blurp

But the DH is free to suggest and implement this, and he hasn't. OP isn't stopping him. They have collectively agreed that the current setup is the best option. Neither of them is thrilled by it, but it is what it is. I totally understand him having a quick moan every now and then, but what's the point of constantly whining? It achieves nothing and just drags everyone else down.

You’ve met him have you?

DH may feel bad moving everyone around again and that’s why he hasn’t pushed the point. They collectively agreed but DH is unhappy so something needs to change. I think OP needs to understand how much this is upsetting him and support a different solution.[/quote]
But OP hasn't said that he's offered a different solution. She said he claims to agree that the current set up is the best option. He's an adult and perfectly capable of saying "It might be better to do X, but I don't fancy the hassle of moving everyone again".

I hate pointless draining moaning. Tell him you don't want to hear it, he isn't saying anything he hasn't said before, it's boring and unattractive.