AIBU to have had enough of DHs moaning and to think we're actually pretty fortunate

[JustANC3]

My husband likes to moan sometimes. He's quite often hard done to.

Anyway, we were due to move to a bigger house after our last DC but things got in the way namely Covid and now with this cost of living crisis we've just abandoned the idea for the time being and are having to stay put.

We are moving out of our room so all DC have space of their own for now (until we can move) and have spent a decent amount making our dining area into a makeshift bedroom with a hidden bed so it can be used as normal in the day.

It's not perfect by any means but the bed is very comfortable and out of us all we agreed that we needed a separate room the least (kids have so much stuff!.

Anyway, this doesn't really bother me. You wouldn't even know if you came into our house during the day because everything is away but my husband has been making so many comments about how terrible it is, how embarrassing and so on that we can't "afford a bedroom", almost like he thinks it's a failure in life.

Meanwhile I have friends talking to me about how stressed they are about affording their rent, bills, food etc..

AIBU to want to scream at him to stop his whining? Yes we have to sleep downstairs for a time but at least it's in our own home! I'm sick of it. We're fortunate that although it'll be a bit tighter we can still afford what we need, who fucking cares if we need to sleep downstairs for a bit?

I know a few people will probably ask the set up but honestly without going into the whole layout it was just the easiest and best way to arrange everyone.

@Derbee

I would feel exactly the same as your husband. I’d be miserable and feel shit about sleeping in a dining room. I think he’s well within his rights to feel the way he does

It sounds as though OP isn't loving the setup either, but she(?) isn't moaning and huffing to everyone else. Of course very few of us would love it, and of course the DH is allowed to dislike it, but unless he has a better plan then why moan continually about it?

Some people on the thread are talking as if OP has brow-beaten DH into this arrangement and she's perfectly happy with it. My reading of it is that they agreed it together, neither of them thinks it's great, but not do they appear to have any better options for now. OP has chosen to get on with it; DH has chosen to moan but hasn't come up with any better ideas.

A lot of the horror on here is just a way of boasting that they don’t have to live like that.

Argh OP, I feel for you! I have a moany git as well, just as well I love him! From what I can tell from your posts you live in a 3 bedroom house, have young twins and 3 DSC who visit often and need their own rooms. As you are not in a position to move for a year or two and extending is cost and garden space prohibitive you have made the eminently sensible decision to utilise your dining room as a part time bedroom. Is it ideal? No. Is it workable? Yes. Well done to you and DH for making a sensible decision. If he keeps on moaning change the subject, every bloody time. Usually works for me. In fairness he does the same to me if I am having a whinge-fest.

@Daisyonthelawn

A lot of the horror on here is just a way of boasting that they don’t have to live like that.

I've lived like that before. I still stand by what I have said.

@Daisyonthelawn

A lot of the horror on here is just a way of boasting that they don’t have to live like that.

Such an odd post

Yes this is it for me. Yes I get it it's not perfect but what do you want me to do? He's not suggesting we do anything other than we are, just moaning for the sake of it. Like okay I get it now can we just make the most of what we have and get on with it?He's not saying 'look I've tried it but I can't do it so I think we should look at X or Y again'. He agrees it's the best thing for now but then doesn't shut up about it "can't believe our life has come to this" and on and on.

This is what would drive me mad too. Of course it isn’t ideal, but it’s happening. He agreed to it happening. He’s doing nothing to change it.

It’s simple really. There are three options here:

1. Reassess making the children share.
2. Move somewhere that isn’t really suitable and risk paying out more to move again later - but with the bonus that you get the space you need now.
3. Stick with sleeping downstairs, in the knowledge that it’s not great, but it’s temporary - and stop moaning about it.

Unfortunately, your husband seems to have chosen option 4 - “pick the least unpalatable of three less than ideal options, but then endlessly moan about the fact that it’s less than ideal, making everyone feel worse in the process”. If I had to put up with that, option 5 - he moves out - would be on the table fairly quickly.

As much as you could reassess 1 and 2, I honestly don’t think it would solve the main problem - his attitude. If the kids were sharing, he’d complain there was stuff everywhere because their room was too small for two. If you moved, he’d moan the house was in the wrong area, was run down, wasn’t spacious enough even with the extra bedroom…

It’s not your sleeping arrangements that need to change - it’s him.

I mean, it depends. I’m completely broke and could sell my car if I wanted to. I only do the shopping in it, can’t afford to go anywhere else. I don’t, because I’m not expecting it to be forever and because it’s so convenient for me not to take a bus. But I’m still very, very skint and can still moan to friends about it (all of whom are better off than me. It’s really important to dump outwards) without them telling me to stfu and sell the car.

OTOH, I don’t moan constantly and unreasonably to friends, who I would expect to tell me put a sock in it after a while. It’s a matter of intensity. We a need support, but there are limits to what we can expect unpaid people to give us.

YANBU. It wouldn't bother me to sleep in the dining room either. It's not ideal but he's behaving like a spoilt child. You literally just need a bed to sleep in - I can't see what his problem is.

YANBU. It's quite rare to have a separate dining room these days. Lots of people have to make do with a table in the kitchen or living-room. It's not really something to moan about. We have a table in our kitchen... works fine. Most people round here have the same, even if quite well-off (small houses, expensive property prices).

Like you said, you had various options, including converting the dining-room into a proper bedroom. You decided on one together and now you've got to make the best of it.

Why can't your kids share?

@BlackeyedSusan

Why can't your kids share?

They do share.

Found the answer now. Yanbu. You have a downstairs bedroom that can be turned into a dining room. That he agreed to.

I would find it annoying too, OP, but you're fundamentally very different people in terms of how you cope with things not going your way and set backs in life.

People with your outlook will always be happier then people with your husband's. I don't think there's anything that can be done except wear ear plugs as this seem to be your husband's factory settings!

than

Bloody phone!

We live in central London where space, whether owned or rented, is very expensive. Plenty of parents sleep on a sofa bed in the living room during the teenage years so that the children can have bedrooms. Your post wouldn’t cause any reaction at all around here. More surprising that you actually have a separate dining room! It seems very sensible to use it as a bedroom. Certainly much better than moving in these uncertain times.