AIBU to have had enough of DHs moaning and to think we're actually pretty fortunate

[JustANC3]

My husband likes to moan sometimes. He's quite often hard done to.

Anyway, we were due to move to a bigger house after our last DC but things got in the way namely Covid and now with this cost of living crisis we've just abandoned the idea for the time being and are having to stay put.

We are moving out of our room so all DC have space of their own for now (until we can move) and have spent a decent amount making our dining area into a makeshift bedroom with a hidden bed so it can be used as normal in the day.

It's not perfect by any means but the bed is very comfortable and out of us all we agreed that we needed a separate room the least (kids have so much stuff!.

Anyway, this doesn't really bother me. You wouldn't even know if you came into our house during the day because everything is away but my husband has been making so many comments about how terrible it is, how embarrassing and so on that we can't "afford a bedroom", almost like he thinks it's a failure in life.

Meanwhile I have friends talking to me about how stressed they are about affording their rent, bills, food etc..

AIBU to want to scream at him to stop his whining? Yes we have to sleep downstairs for a time but at least it's in our own home! I'm sick of it. We're fortunate that although it'll be a bit tighter we can still afford what we need, who fucking cares if we need to sleep downstairs for a bit?

I know a few people will probably ask the set up but honestly without going into the whole layout it was just the easiest and best way to arrange everyone.

Is he a regular moaner, or is he usually ok and is specifically upset about this situation? If it’s the latter, then he’s showing you how genuinely upset he is (if the former, then surely you already knew his character).

He may have agreed it’s the best case scenario atm, but perhaps felt bulldozed into it. Or thought he wouldn’t mind, but found the reality different. Either way the feelings are valid and you should look into a solution because 2 years is a really long time to be unhappy.

Personally I would treat it as a full bedroom and not tidy it away (apart from Christmas Day etc when you might need a proper dining room. There’s nothing wrong with a downstairs bedroom.

You say you can close the door, but not if it’s a completely separate room (unless I’ve missed that). Do you need to pass through it to get to any other rooms eg. Kitchen? If so, I’d make that room the living area and put the bedroom in the sitting area unless that’s direct entry from the street.

You still have not told us the children's ages I don't think... I would not have agreed to this in the first place, so I do not blame him.
There were four of us sharing a bedroom when I grew up, but I guess we had much fewer things then....certainly no one expected there own space.

But OP hasn't said that he's offered a different solution. She said he claims to agree that the current set up is the best option. He's an adult and perfectly capable of saying "It might be better to do X, but I don't fancy the hassle of moving everyone again".

As I said there may be reasons why he’s reluctant to suggest a different solution and move everyone round again.

OP is an adult and is perfectly capable of saying if this isn’t working then they she will support an alternative solution.

I would hate this. I would probably moan quite a lot as well.

He's an adult and perfectly capable of saying "It might be better to do X, but I don't fancy the hassle of moving everyone again"

And if he won't consider moving or any other solutions that were available, and he won't leave, presumably cos he probably actually benefits quite alot from the assistance in looking after his kids amd won't want to give that up either, I mean all this would have been apparent when they moved in together in the first place surley ? Unless there was a gun involved at the wedding? Then tbh he hasn't lost the right to be annoyed/put out/feel inconvenienced by things but he's lost the right to make everyone miserable by moaning about ot all the time.

@JustANC3

I'm not expecting him to be joyous about it. But going on and on and on like it's the worst thing ever seems a bit tone-deaf right now.

We actually paid a lot of money to ensure the bed was the best we could get. It's very comfortable and thick. He has no gripes about the bed. Just that it's "scummy to sleep in the dining room".

Like bloody hell if that's the worst we have to sacrifice at the moment for a year or two surely we're alright?

I would find this very unacceptable too, particularly having to make the bedroom look like a dining room every day. A few days for, a set limited time maybe while renovating fine but just ' for now' with no set finish date. I'd loathe it. Where do you dress and keep your clothes.? I would would find the whole thing very stressful

I would NOT be happy with this. And I'm staggered that you can't understand that both your husband and most normal people would not be happy with this. Making up a bed each night is an utter pain. I'd rather live in a small three bedroomed terrace in a very rough area to live with the circumstances that you have.

I think I’d moan too, he’s probably feeling frustrated with the situation. I think if it was me I’d be fine with a permanent downstairs bedroom but the putting it away every day would get to me.

OP is an adult and is perfectly capable of saying if this isn’t working then they she will support an alternative solution

I have. And I am. But he agrees this is the best thing for now so what? What am I supposed to do?

I can't stress enough how long we spent and how many things we looked into.

We looked into converting the attic. We got someone round to take a look, it's a bitch to convert apparently due to the style, would cost ridiculous money. Same with extension, it would mean moving both the kitchen and the bathroom as both are at the back of the house which is the only place we could convert, both of which would add large additional costs onto an already expensive extension. An extension which would also eat largely into our garden space which we don't want to do as it's a good space and we all use it regularly.

Along with many other room splitting scenarios and so on and on...

The idea is still to hopefully move, it's just been delayed.

@Iwonder08

YABU, your husband is perfectly entit3to his very reasonable aspirations. I would also think it is terrible not to have a bedroom. Just because there are people who struggle more it doesn't invalidate his personal experience. It would annoy me massively if my spouse would preach me about people struggling to find food when I was concerned about my own situation

I’m with your husband to be honest - I would hate it if I didn’t have a bedroom, and find it upsetting and stressful not to have ‘my’ space. Sleeping in the dining room would be very stressful. His view is as valid as yours. However, in the circs, and given this is a joint decision you have made to deal with the current situation, I agree he should stop moaning and get on with it - presumably there’s an end point to it that he/you can aim for.

YANBU. I think we will have to do the same eventually. We rent in a very expensive city with no chance of getting a mortgage (even though it would be less than rent 😩). We’re in a 2 bed apartment with a 6 & 8 year old, they’ll need their own rooms soon.

Lots of people do it and better for kids to have their space in my opinion.

We did something similar at my partner’s house. He has a 2 up 2 down house and two teens. The living room became the bedroom for the teen boy. It is a proper bedroom, we opted out of sofabed of Murphy bed solutions as he needed to feel this was HIS space and a place he could retreat to when he felt like it. I can see how your husband end up feeling he is living out of a bag in the situation you had.

My partner’s dinning room is next to the kitchen and has a fire. So with a three seater and a dinning table that slids into an alcove when not in use (but still looking nice in the place when at the alcove) we have sorted the problem.

As the kids have grown older, we have added TVs in their rooms so they are not tripping on each other’s feet or fighting for the reduced social space all the time.

It works well, everyone has the space they need, the house feels presentable and comfy and the dinning/living room is really nice and lovely to sit in. We were always sitting there when we were together or had visits so the living room was only used for TV watching which is now done in the dinning room or bedrooms.

I have. And I am. But he agrees this is the best thing for now so what? What am I supposed to do?

Give up on having a dining room, move kids in there and move back into a bedroom?

@TatianaBis

I have. And I am. But he agrees this is the best thing for now so what? What am I supposed to do?

Give up on having a dining room, move kids in there and move back into a bedroom?

He. Doesn't. Want. To. Do. This.

How many times?

You know, it is a bit funny that you are complaining about your husband been in agreement but moaning about the situation while you are doing exactly the same. Your posts basically say, I don’t want to re arrange the space to help him, I just want to moan about his moaning!

This is why I'm single. Can't stand people that can't see the long term goal and just moan about how hard it is to get there (when it really isn't). It frustrates me when they can't put it into perspective either. All of human evolution, struggling, inventing, tweaking and honing to come to this... a moany bloke that can't put up with a temporarily unconventional sleeping arrangement. I like a good old tongue in cheek moan but actual misery for weeks on end and I want to scream change the record.

I get its annoying being moaned at.

Maybe your husband didnt get the full extent of what losing a bedroom Would be like and now he doesn’t like it and he has a right to that opinion, i assume you both own the house so he should get a say.

Has he offered any solutions to the problem? If not then let him moan away… there’s not much you can do about it, and if he keeps moaning them ask him to come up with a solution that he is happy about.

Your post op makes me so so so happy I’m a single parent

Went on holiday last year and despite paying a fortune, the holiday flat was a shit show.

Me and the children made such a wonderful success out of it! We laughed, we all slept in one room, ate out loads

Was one of our best holidays

Your DH would have metaphorically pissed all over it

I lived in a one bedroom, open plan annex for 5 years with DD4 and eventually newborn baby DD. It was doable and fine but it wore me down so completely. There was nothing worse than being told, ‘well at least you’ve got a roof over your head’. I know you say there’s a plan and the complaining would drive me around the twist too but having lived in a very small multifunctional space for so long…I do get that it drags you down.

Loads of houses I see listed are 3/4 bedrooms with the 4th bedroom actually being a dining room. If you put a bed in a room then it is a bedroom isn't it.

Maybe it is the trying to have it as both that is the problem. Can you make it your bedroom and make the living room a lounge/diner.

Do you have another table you eat round in the kitchen or sitting room?

It sounds to me like you're possibly pushing each other to opposite ends.

Why not see what happens if you agree with your husband that it's a bad situation to be in, that it's a nuisance and uncomfortable? You might then get a response of "oh well, I suppose there are worse things.

This thread is peak mumsnet

OP: AIBU for my husband being a moany so-and-so?

PP: gives unhelpful 'advice' that OP did not want nor need and then gets upset when OP states boundaries

OP, he's being ridiculous. It was a decision you came to together. It sounds like you looked over every possible option and he sounded happy about it at the time. He needs to get his head out of his arse!

I’m guessing your youngest is very young if you’d planned to move after birth but “covid got in the way”

Does this child really need their own space?