Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

AIBU to have had enough of DHs moaning and to think we're actually pretty fortunate

140 replies

JustANC3 · 03/04/2022 09:38

My husband likes to moan sometimes. He's quite often hard done to.

Anyway, we were due to move to a bigger house after our last DC but things got in the way namely Covid and now with this cost of living crisis we've just abandoned the idea for the time being and are having to stay put.

We are moving out of our room so all DC have space of their own for now (until we can move) and have spent a decent amount making our dining area into a makeshift bedroom with a hidden bed so it can be used as normal in the day.

It's not perfect by any means but the bed is very comfortable and out of us all we agreed that we needed a separate room the least (kids have so much stuff!.

Anyway, this doesn't really bother me. You wouldn't even know if you came into our house during the day because everything is away but my husband has been making so many comments about how terrible it is, how embarrassing and so on that we can't "afford a bedroom", almost like he thinks it's a failure in life.

Meanwhile I have friends talking to me about how stressed they are about affording their rent, bills, food etc..

AIBU to want to scream at him to stop his whining? Yes we have to sleep downstairs for a time but at least it's in our own home! I'm sick of it. We're fortunate that although it'll be a bit tighter we can still afford what we need, who fucking cares if we need to sleep downstairs for a bit?

I know a few people will probably ask the set up but honestly without going into the whole layout it was just the easiest and best way to arrange everyone.

OP posts:

Fairislefandango · 03/04/2022 09:58

I don't know. I think 'tone deaf' applies to complaining about something not too serious in public in front of people who are potentially much worse off than you. I don't think it applies to openly being unhappy with something within the privacy of your own family when talking to your partner/spouse.

Original poster

JustANC3 · 03/04/2022 09:58

But the fact is that you’re getting your way and your husband isn’t getting his

This is totally incorrect. We agreed this was the best thing for now as I said in my OP. It wasn't just me demanding this is what we do. It was a mutual decision. We spent ages talking and going through things looking into conversions, how to make more space, would it be worth moving (even garden rooms!) etc... And we BOTH agreed at present this was the easiest way for a year or two until we can come to something more permanent.

He's not moaning because he's not getting his own way and I am.

OP posts:

Whatwouldscullydo · 03/04/2022 10:00

Your dh sounds a bit like my xp. Wants to sit around moping about how shit the house is and how much he hates it yet when given the opportunity to move ( my parents were going to give us a good size deposit on a house) all of a sudden he put a gazillion obstacles in the way to the point I couldn't even talk to him about it as it resulted in an argument every time about how we couldn't afford it.

Anyway I ended it, he now pays far more in rent and child support than the mortgage or increased rent would have been.

And I realised he was just a miserable fucker.

Your set up sounds far from ideal but the time to speak up was before you set wheels in motion to achieve it and of he's the one putting the brakes on getting it of the situation then he clearly just wants to stay miserable

Original poster

JustANC3 · 03/04/2022 10:03

I quickly get irritated by people moaning. I start to feel as if they are making digs and I often want to snap ‘what do you expect me to do about it.’

Yes this is it for me. Yes I get it it's not perfect but what do you want me to do? He's not suggesting we do anything other than we are, just moaning for the sake of it. Like okay I get it now can we just make the most of what we have and get on with it?

He's not saying 'look I've tried it but I can't do it so I think we should look at X or Y again'. He agrees it's the best thing for now but then doesn't shut up about it "can't believe our life has come to this" and on and on.

OP posts:

BornIn78 · 03/04/2022 10:03

a bedroom that can be tidied away if needed

It’s a dining room then.

My bedroom never needs to be tidied away, if needed, because it’s never needed, it’s a private space for DH and I that visitors to my home don’t have access to.

I can understand why he’d have a moan about losing a private space.

Topseyt · 03/04/2022 10:05

How many kids do you have? How many bedrooms does your current house actually have?

I do see what you mean, but if I was in your position I would certainly be far from happy with the situation. I would probably be like your husband, and would need to vent about it. If my DH then tried to tell me how fortunate I was I would not appreciate that at all.

If he feels like he is camped out in his own house then I feel sorry for him. I'd be reclaiming my bedroom and making the kids share.

Whose idea was it to give your bedroom to the kids while you camped out in the dining room? I would not have willingly agreed to that.

Original poster

JustANC3 · 03/04/2022 10:06

I'm really not here to argue with people over whether it's technically a dining room or a bedroom. I get it's not the ideal scenario but HE agreed. He still agrees. But then doesn't shut up about it.

That was what is pissing me off and why I want to tell him to shut up. And yes also because I just think it's really not the worst thing in the world right now when I see the state some of my friends are in. It makes me feel fortunate and I just wish he could see it that way for a short time.

OP posts:

DotDotDotDotDot · 03/04/2022 10:07

@JustANC3 can I ask which hidden/fold-away bed you went for please? We’re going to have to do something similar soon as my toddler will need her own space. Unfortunately in our area with the price of houses, making that move from a flat to house is unreachable at the moment. I agree sometimes in life you have to make the best of situations and moaning constantly must be hard to listen to, you have my sympathy on that one.

Blurp · 03/04/2022 10:07

The moaning would drive me mad, and is exactly what DH would do. He is incapable of suffering the slightest inconvenience without making sure everyone around knows what a hassle it is for him, whereas I just get on with it and look for ways to make things better.

I'm guessing from your setup (kids still sharing rooms but suddenly using your room too) that you've maybe made a playroom or study room or something for them? Could you make a room outside for that purpose instead? Like get a decent shed with big windows and make it cost for them? Just throwing it out there as an idea in case you hadn't thought of it.

Blimecory · 03/04/2022 10:10

I'd be reclaiming my bedroom and making the kids share.
But the kids are sharing. They’re not getting a room each.
I think it would be best if the dining room has a proper bed in it if it doesn’t need to be folded away. It might feel better to him.

Original poster

JustANC3 · 03/04/2022 10:10

(kids still sharing rooms but suddenly using your room too)

We were sharing with the youngest before this in our room (so we actually have more privacy now haha).

I'm reluctant to post the set up because I didn't post here for advice on what others would do with the space. We've been there, we've spent a long time discussing it and talking about it. It's not why I posted but I know it will just get filled up with 'I'd do this, I'd make these share with them and split this that way' etc etc.

There are 5 DC, some of which are my SDC but live here a lot of the week so not as simple as a bedroom being empty most of the time.

OP posts:

balalake · 03/04/2022 10:12

Moaners are annoying, I agree with you OP.

I would be thinking about why the DCs have so much stuff and looking to reduce it.

MoFro · 03/04/2022 10:16

I would turn it into a proper ground floor bedroom so it’s not your dining room that you sleep in, but your bedroom.

notanothertakeaway · 03/04/2022 10:16

Would DH feel more positive if the room was only used as your bedroom, rather than also in use as a public room?

Neongoddess · 03/04/2022 10:16

I think you can recognise something is the best option but still be unhappy about it.

I think you can know people are worse off and still have moan and feel shit about it.

Daisyonthelawn · 03/04/2022 10:17

It does happen on threads like this, I find, where you’ve posted about a moaning DH and you get pages of advice on how to rearrange your house. (Missing the point that the husband would still moan, because he is a moaner.)

You’ll be asked if you’ve seen your GP or told to get counselling in a minute, if you haven’t already. I sympathise.

Haus1234 · 03/04/2022 10:17

Do you need to have a dining room? If there’s room to eat elsewhere I would scrap that and just make it a full time bedroom.

Mummyingit · 03/04/2022 10:17

Sorry but I am with your husband on this one. Why not get rid of some of the stuff the kids have instead? Why would making room for stuff would be more important than you two having a private bedroom?

Original poster

JustANC3 · 03/04/2022 10:17

@Neongoddess

I think you can recognise something is the best option but still be unhappy about it.

I think you can know people are worse off and still have moan and feel shit about it.

Yes, but continuously? It's wearing.

OP posts:

EthelTheAardvark · 03/04/2022 10:18

When he moans, do you shut him down? If, every time he moans, you simply say something like "Yes, but moaning won't help, will it?" might he get the message?

Original poster

JustANC3 · 03/04/2022 10:18

@Mummyingit

We haven't made a room for stuff.

We were sharing our bedroom with the youngest DC (DT's).

This is precisely why I don't want to post the whole set up. I'm not looking for advice on how to set the house up.

OP posts:

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 03/04/2022 10:19

Shove him a bed in the shed. He will still moan but you won't hear him!

cafenoirbiscuit · 03/04/2022 10:20

Suggest he could get a pub job in the evening to build up the cash reserves quicker. Then you have less time listening to his moaning. Winner winner vegan dinner 😄

LimeSegment · 03/04/2022 10:22

Sorry but I'd absolutely hate this, I'm with your DH. It's mainly putting the bed away that I wouldn't like, even occasionally. Why not properly convert the dining room in to a bedroom, give it doors, wardrobe, bed set up nicely, etc. Abandon having a dining room for now. Put a small table in the living room or don't have a table at all.

Topseyt · 03/04/2022 10:23

@Blimecory

I'd be reclaiming my bedroom and making the kids share. But the kids are sharing. They’re not getting a room each. I think it would be best if the dining room has a proper bed in it if it doesn’t need to be folded away. It might feel better to him.

Yes, I get that, and would see it as all the more reason to reclaim my room and cut down on some of the stuff.

I certainly wouldn't feel happy with the arrangement OP describes. I'd rather move house. We're not at all wealthy by the way, before anyone calls me on that. I just know that even if I had agreed to try such an arrangement (I wouldn't) then I would pretty quickly have found it hard to tolerate.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6