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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have had enough of DHs moaning and to think we're actually pretty fortunate

140 replies

JustANC3 · 03/04/2022 09:38

My husband likes to moan sometimes. He's quite often hard done to.

Anyway, we were due to move to a bigger house after our last DC but things got in the way namely Covid and now with this cost of living crisis we've just abandoned the idea for the time being and are having to stay put.

We are moving out of our room so all DC have space of their own for now (until we can move) and have spent a decent amount making our dining area into a makeshift bedroom with a hidden bed so it can be used as normal in the day.

It's not perfect by any means but the bed is very comfortable and out of us all we agreed that we needed a separate room the least (kids have so much stuff!.

Anyway, this doesn't really bother me. You wouldn't even know if you came into our house during the day because everything is away but my husband has been making so many comments about how terrible it is, how embarrassing and so on that we can't "afford a bedroom", almost like he thinks it's a failure in life.

Meanwhile I have friends talking to me about how stressed they are about affording their rent, bills, food etc..

AIBU to want to scream at him to stop his whining? Yes we have to sleep downstairs for a time but at least it's in our own home! I'm sick of it. We're fortunate that although it'll be a bit tighter we can still afford what we need, who fucking cares if we need to sleep downstairs for a bit?

I know a few people will probably ask the set up but honestly without going into the whole layout it was just the easiest and best way to arrange everyone.

OP posts:

TheBigDilemma · 03/04/2022 11:15

… or you need to review the situation as it is obviously not working. It may be as simple as leaving the bed down throughout the day.

NdefH81 · 03/04/2022 11:15

Ah sorry - sharing

TatianaBis · 03/04/2022 11:16

@JustANC3

Obviously part of him does or he wouldn’t keep moaning. You keep saying he ‘agrees’ he is ‘in agreement’ which indicates that you’re the driver of this and he’s agreed to it rather than him being the instigator.

Belladonna12 · 03/04/2022 11:16

I would prefer no luxuries and to have my own bedroom. Maybe he would too but doesn't want to admit that he has changed his mind. I would discuss it with him again but if he insists the current situation is the best option he needs to shut up with the whining.

NdefH81 · 03/04/2022 11:17

Has he always been like this?

TatianaBis · 03/04/2022 11:17

@ancientgran

Loads of houses I see listed are 3/4 bedrooms with the 4th bedroom actually being a dining room. If you put a bed in a room then it is a bedroom isn't it.

Maybe it is the trying to have it as both that is the problem. Can you make it your bedroom and make the living room a lounge/diner.

OP just keeps saying ‘he agreed’ to this current setup.

Fadeout83 · 03/04/2022 11:19

@Dishwashersaurous

So your current set up is not ideal and you both came up with a solution which makes it work.

And he is still moaning.

Next time he moans reply, "And what is your solution?" .

Then do this every single time.

If he's unhappy then he needs to find a new solution.

If there isn't one either in the immediate , or the longer term, then he needs to shut up

This is the best advice of the thread. He’ll either get bored of moaning or will actually come up with a less moany solution

NdefH81 · 03/04/2022 11:20

You’ve given the children their own space
But at what cost?
A father constantly moaning
A mother stewing about the fathers loaning
An all round unpleasant atmosphere it would seem

converseandjeans · 03/04/2022 11:23

YANBU in that he needs to just get on with it.

Presumably the SDC are his - so he knew how much space was needed when he decided to have more children with you.

I think the set up does need to be discussed as he's obviously not happy. I think you need to make dining room into proper room but for Step DC who are only there half the time. Presumably they have another room at Mums house?

It's not a race to the bottom - yes other people are homeless or in Ukraine being bombed. But he's obviously not happy.

butterpuffed · 03/04/2022 11:24

You don't want to show the set up, you don't want solutions, you just want to moan about your DH !

TheNameOfTheRoses · 03/04/2022 11:24

I would just say
‘Yes I can see that you are uncomfortable about the set up. What do YOU want to do about it?’
And then wait for him to come up with a solution.

Moaning is fine and understandable.
Moaning again and again about the same thing Wo ding anything about it isn’t.
Nor is it ok for him to moan about a solution HE agreed on.

NeedleNoodle3 · 03/04/2022 11:25

Just because he agreed to it doesn’t mean he likes it. The reality for him is probably a lot worse that he imagined it would be. Could you work together and come up with another plan?

LizzieSiddal · 03/04/2022 11:25

In this situation I’d say “You have agreed this is the best solution, I know it’s not ideal and you aren’t happy about it but I am not listening to your moaning anymore, it’s draining me and doesn’t solve anything. If you continue to moan I will leave the room”.

I’ve done this with DH, as he can get a bit fixated on something which only time will solve. It does work!!

I would also however change the name of your room to a downstairs bedroom and do without a dining room, so your H feels like he has a proper bedroom.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 03/04/2022 11:27

@butterpuffed

You don't want to show the set up, you don't want solutions, you just want to moan about your DH !

Well giving a solution about the bedrooms to the OP isn’t helping her at all. Because 1- THEY, as a couple, found their solution, one they BOTH agreed on 2- the problem isn’t the bedroom, it’s her DH constantly moaning.

So do you have a solution to stop the moaning from her DH?

Or is your solution to say that her DH is right, having the bedroom downstairs in awful and therefore thé solution is to find another organisation re the bedroom?

grapewines · 03/04/2022 11:27

@BornIn78

a bedroom that can be tidied away if needed

It’s a dining room then.

My bedroom never needs to be tidied away, if needed, because it’s never needed, it’s a private space for DH and I that visitors to my home don’t have access to.

I can understand why he’d have a moan about losing a private space.

Yep. I'd hate it.

RedskyThisNight · 03/04/2022 11:28

@TheNameOfTheRoses

I would just say ‘Yes I can see that you are uncomfortable about the set up. What do YOU want to do about it?’ And then wait for him to come up with a solution.

Moaning is fine and understandable.
Moaning again and again about the same thing Wo ding anything about it isn’t.
Nor is it ok for him to moan about a solution HE agreed on.

Yes agree. The conversation goes: "none of our solutions are ideal - what would you prefer to do? And then we just need to both get on with it."

I don't think it's helpful to say that at least you're not worrying about the heating/food - maybe the people that are worrying about these things made a different choice to you and moved to a property they are now struggling to afford?

TheNameOfTheRoses · 03/04/2022 11:29

@NeedleNoodle3

Just because he agreed to it doesn’t mean he likes it. The reality for him is probably a lot worse that he imagined it would be. Could you work together and come up with another plan?

Or could HE work out another plan and work with the app to see if that would be workable/a better arrangement?

Why is it up to the OP to find a new solution when she has no issue with the current one?
Amd why would it be enough for her DH to just moan and provide no solution, Wo even trying to propose an alternative? He isnt a child that go and see mummy to moan and see their problem solved.

Whatsmyname100 · 03/04/2022 11:30

Why can't the kids move into your space and swap to a bedroom? Maybe change the living room to include a dining table, those ones with benches to save space? I'm with your dh on this. I feel for you as well. We lived in a place paying a huge rental and I was just utterly depressed. I moaned to poor dh every single day until we could move. As this is your own home, you both need to rework things so both are happy.

Belladonna12 · 03/04/2022 11:31

Was this your idea? He may have agreed because he thought it's what you wanted and that there are no other options or he may have thought it sounded ok but has now changed his mind. There are other options though e.g. the living room could be used as a dining room too and you could make the current dining room a permanent bedroom. You need to make sure that he really thinks your current situation is the best option.

Bewilderbeest · 03/04/2022 11:36

I wonder if he sees it as humiliating? Like “I can’t afford to keep my family in the manner I want to, and I feel like I’ve failed as a provider”? I know it’s not very 21st century to feel like that about it and he needs to get over himself if he does, but in my experience a lot of men still see their role as being a provider and feel embarrassed if they perceive that as being undermined somehow. Maybe his moaning is actually a cack-handed way of asking for reassurance?

shssandhr · 03/04/2022 11:54

If he's unhappy then he needs to find a new solution.
Yes he does. And keep saying that too him.
It's a pain in the arse having someone constantly moaning on about something without coming up with a better idea.

The only thing I wondered is why it's still a dining room. Just rename it the bedroom and have it properly set up, with the bed out permanently and not folding up and down.
And have some kind of fold up table instead which can be used for family meals if you don't have the space for a large enough table set up permanently.
You haven't answered questions about whether you have a table in the lounge or kitchen and you have told us many times you don't want advice on the set up... but I'm not really understanding why this "dining room" can't be a permanent bedroom and you sacrifice the "dining room" to ensure everyone has their own room.

Derbee · 03/04/2022 12:06

I would feel exactly the same as your husband. I’d be miserable and feel shit about sleeping in a dining room. I think he’s well within his rights to feel the way he does

LondonWolf · 03/04/2022 12:06

All these "I couldn't live with it!"

Yes you could if you had to and plenty of people have no choice.but to.

Reminds me of a thread where people were expressing complete horror that OP had no where to store bikes for her kids so they didn't have any. People simply couldn't comprehend that others were living in straitened circumstances unlike their own.

Nanny0gg · 03/04/2022 12:07

@JustANC3

But the fact is that you’re getting your way and your husband isn’t getting his

This is totally incorrect. We agreed this was the best thing for now as I said in my OP. It wasn't just me demanding this is what we do. It was a mutual decision. We spent ages talking and going through things looking into conversions, how to make more space, would it be worth moving (even garden rooms!) etc... And we BOTH agreed at present this was the easiest way for a year or two until we can come to something more permanent.

He's not moaning because he's not getting his own way and I am.

So, is it a murphy bed? So you don't need to see it at all? Do you still have a table you can use in there or in the kitchen?

Was it used much before or did it just 'look' like a dining room?

I think if he agreed then there's not much point going on about it

Booboobibles · 03/04/2022 12:12

I sleep on a sofa bed in the living room (although it’s rare that anyone else is in the room during the day) and my 17 year old son has the bedroom.

At the moment, it’s the least stressful option but I moan about it constantly - some days more than others. If I had young kids I’d be tearing my hair out.

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