In laws came to see my new baby 10 times in the first two weeks last time...

[wardrobewarrior]

When I had my DD, two and a bit years ago, my in laws came to my house 10 times in the first two weeks of her life.

I was utterly miserable and devastated and no one spoke up for me and I had no strength to speak up for myself.

I begged my husband to ask them not to come, but he didn't want to upset them.

I had a really hard time breast feeding, felt disgusting and really had a severe case of the baby blues, later even PND. I wasn't able to always put a happy face on when they'd come round and openly ask how it was going with the feeding etc. and this made me look bad to them. My father in law even made some comments that life is too short to always be so miserable. I'll never know if it was directed at me. But in my mental state, it was directed at me.

I'm having my second baby in a few weeks and I'm terrified this will happen again. My husband also insisted his other family members came round at around 3 weeks post birth last time. But I also didn't want them to come yet and wasn't ready. It was really really a hard time for me. I was devastated constantly and I felt very alone and like no one understood or supported me. Even my mum was around and said that I had to let the in laws come over because you can't say no and it's rude and I'll come across badly.

This evening, my in laws came round for the second day in a row for some strange reason. Eventhough I made it clear I wasn't really up for it and it brought back all the memories. My mum is here visiting at the moment and I said to her that we cannot have a repeat from last time and she said again, you can't really say no and to not make a fuss. It's really triggered me and I'm really angry that no one supports me in this.

I think if I feel the same way again this time, I will need to explain to them that I can't have them visit as much.

In an argument we had when my first was a couple of months old, they told me I had made them feel unwelcome in my house with my attitude after the birth of my daughter. I really was devastated I couldn't breastfeed and my hormones were all over the place. My body was all weird and my stomach all hanging over my c section scar. I really just didn't want anyone to see me like that for a prolonged period of time. I also cried a lot and I didn't want them to see me cry. I think if they hadn't been all up in my face, my mental health might have been better.

I've never forgiven my husband for this. He knows this. I want him to have a word with them before the birth, that I will need space in my home from them and that they shouldn't take it personally. I'm very worried he will not stick up for me. My mum will be here to help me and I also told her that she needs to support me. She's the sort of person who doesn't understand why I cried so much etc, because she didn't feel that way. So it's hard to get through to her. I think she thinks I'm just a bit pathetic. I'll just need to be my own advocate if no one else supports me this time, I guess.

@Indicatrice

It sounds like you’re surrounded by selfish people.

They aren‘t putting you first so you put yourself first and TELL them how it’s going to be.

You’re the one giving birth, you decide.

She won't forgive the husband for not telling his own parents/family that his wife doesn't like them and doesn't want them around their newborn grandchild and you think she is surrounded by selfish people? I get she's given birth and feels a bit down, body-concious etc - her MIL probably felt the same, most women who've had a baby do!

And the 'you're the one that gave birth so you call all the shots' doesn't help with the current thoughts that child rearing should be joint responsibility between both parents.

I've never forgiven my husband for this. He knows this. I want him to have a word with them before the birth, that I will need space in my home from them and that they shouldn't take it personally. I'm very worried he will not stick up for me. My mum will be here to help me and I also told her that she needs to support me

Talk about entitled? I feel for your husband - and his family. These children are as much his parents family as they are your parents family.

You can tell your mum all you want but it's her choice what her she wants to support you (read as agree with you about everything)

If you feel so strongly about your in laws, tell them yourself!! Don't make your husband tell his parents they are unwanted and that you don't want them forming a great relationship with their grandchildren.

You'll soon be here moaning your I laws and don't take interest in your kids.

If you want to play them at their own game, tell them that you know last time there was a bit of tension between how much time your mum and then spent with your new family. And so this time, especially with your older DC in the mix now, it makes sense to be a bit more organised. Of course your DM has to go stay because she’s travelling a long way to be here but you’ve tried to divide things up fairly.

E.g. Day 1-2 DM does lunch and dinner and has some grandma time with older DC
Day 3 MIL comes and takes older DC out for the morning, sorts lunch for everyone, stays for bathtime and makes everyone dinner
Day 4 MIL pops over to run washing machine and hoover and DM will do nursery drop off & pick up for the older one.

Meanwhile your DH can work all hours and avoid either standing up his parents or doing too much work himself, and you can hide in bed with new DC and recover from c section, establish feeding etc.

* I'm also chronically ill and need an extra hand sometimes. Things are a bit harder for me sometimes.*

This is new information.

Makes your husbands stance even more concerning and your inlaws more selfish (unless in some misguided way they think they are supporting you)

@Moveorstay2022

Why is it ok for your mum to be there all the time but your DH's mum can't come over?

Maybe because OP is comfortable breastfeeding in front of her mum but not in front of her FIL.

And anyway,, OP is the one with wildly varying hormones, possible birth injuries and physical exhaustion. Her wishes and baby's needs come first for the first two weeks.

Whatever feels right for you is what you should do. My exILs are amazing people and I love them very much still. When my DC1 was born, my then MIL was with me (my exP had walked when I was pregnant) and she was just wonderful. All of them were and I’ll never forget how lovely they were to me then (and now).

I was lucky with my family and friends too, they were so kind and helpful in the early days (and still). I can’t imagine how difficult it would have been if they’d been otherwise.

When DC2 was born my now XH had not long had a ABI, so wasn’t in his right mind. It was hell as I was trying to look after a poorly baby, XH, my DC1 and juggle everything. His family didn’t help at all (they hindered stuff). My friends and family did help, but it was bloody horrible having to deal with ILs and XH.

When my DB and SIL had their little ones, I told them that whatever they needed me to do, I will do, but I would stay away unless they specifically invited me to come over. I was also quite careful when I would see them as I’m a nurse on a resp ward (so there’s flu, covid, TB, meningitis etc) so would def stay away if I’d nursed anyone with those illnesses. Mind you, I still do that. What I did do was buy them vouchers for Cook, and offer to do a food shop or take in laundry etc. so helping them out but more remotely.

As a nurse, I would have no qualms about telling visitors to stay away/leave if a patient didn’t want them there. I’m sure your midwife would be the same, maybe have a chat with you midwife? In the end, my patient’s well being is my main concern, so I will always be their advocate. It also means that the visitors can be mad at/about me telling them to stay away, rather than my patient!

@Summerfun54321

This is a DH problem. Tell him if he doesn’t respect your wishes this time you will divorce him without hesitation. Seriously this is not your battle to fight.

It shouldn't be a battle. Why is it a husband problem?

The blatent inequality between maternal and paternal grandparents is disgraceful; paternal grandparents are not second class inadequate people who should be banned from seeing a newborn grandchild - they should be equally assisted (allowed to visit, hold etc) to build up the amazing bonds that the grandchild/grandparent relationship can be.

Write a note or text saying how you felt, and explain what you want this time

@TILFA first and foremost, they're OUR children and do not belong to either of OUR parents. My mum is helping me and I'm far from entitled. It's often easier for sons / daughters to discuss issues with their parents, rather than have the Daughter in law or son in law do it.

Ok I don't think it's worth trying to have a reasonable conversation with these people, they won't listen, they don't care, they are selfish and have their own agenda.

This leaves you with two options.

You either, don't say anything and let them pop round whenever BUT make it very clear you're not waiting on them. If they want food or drink they get it themselves. Do not breastfeed in front of them. Firmly say 'I'm going upstairs, please respect my privacy'. Get a lock for your bedroom door if needed. If she tries to take the baby and you're not happy with it, again you firmly say 'no, the baby is settled with me'.

Or, you tell them straight that you do not want any visitors for at least a week after the birth. Don't be drawn into justifying all the reasons why or that your mum is there etc. if they start protesting again you firmly say 'that is my decision, please respect it'

Look, whatever you do is going to have some repercussions because again, you're dealing with people who have NO self awareness. So just pick the option that's going to cause you the least stress.

I really feel for you though. I can feel myself getting pissed off on your behalf.

*It shouldn't be a battle. Why is it a husband problem?

The blatent inequality between maternal and paternal grandparents is disgraceful; paternal grandparents are not second class inadequate people who should be banned from seeing a newborn grandchild - they should be equally assisted (allowed to visit, hold etc) to build up the amazing bonds that the grandchild/grandparent relationship can be.*

You do know the baby isn’t going to know who was and who wasn’t there nor are they going to give a sh*t. OP’s in-laws acted appallingly and then moaned about her not being happy enough in their presence when she was obviously struggling. If you can’t even try to support the mother in the way she needs, don’t bother coming over or visiting the baby she brought into the world otherwise you’re treating her as an incubator and that’s not on.

Why can't you speak up for yourself and tell them this is too much, it's making you very stressed, and you need space?

Give them a 2hr slot twice a week to pop round.

* The blatent inequality between maternal and paternal grandparents is disgraceful; paternal grandparents are not second class inadequate people who should be banned from seeing a newborn grandchild - they should be equally assisted (allowed to visit, hold etc) to build up the amazing bonds that the grandchild/grandparent relationship can be.*

Irrespective of behaviour?
Simply on grounds of relationship label?

In an argument we had when my first was a couple of months old, they told me I had made them feel unwelcome in my house with my attitude after the birth of my daughter.

"You were unwelcome! I'd been cut open. I was in all kinds of pain, I was exhausted, I was bleeding and leaking all kinds of fluids. I was trying to get to grips with having a baby and trying to learn to breastfeed and you were here all the time and showed absolutely no consideration for how I felt."

You CAN say no. Tell your DH that when he gives birth he can choose his visitors, but since its your body being put through shit you want to recover in peace and no one comes without your agreement. For all his faults even my DH didn't try to put his mother's happiness over my mental state when DS was born.

@phoenixrosehere absolutely right!! How we treat other women is central to this thread (and also how misunderstood the sensitive mechanics of establishing breastfeeding are by society at large).

OP appealed for help in ensuring her basic emotional needs are respected during one of the most vulnerable and important periods of her life.

Some posters then respond by telling her to subjugate those emotional needs for a bunch of selfish, ungrateful and insensitive family members. Because that's what we do when a woman's needs create the slightest bit of inconvenience to others. Highly suspect those posters have been exactly the type of in-laws described by the OP.

Talk about entitled? I feel for your husband - and his family. These children are as much his parents family as they are your parents family.

*You can tell your mum all you want but it's her choice what her she wants to support you (read as agree with you about everything)

If you feel so strongly about your in laws, tell them yourself!! Don't make your husband tell his parents they are unwanted and that you don't want them forming a great relationship with their grandchildren.

You'll soon be here moaning your I laws and don't take interest in your kids.*

You're talking absolute tosh. Give all of the OP's posts another read. Her in-laws see a lot of her daughter and have a great relationship with her. They are not unwanted, but last time they were overbearing and hampered OP's recovery.

OP is having major surgery, how is she entitled because she wants her needs to be prioritised afterwards?

My guess is they are jealous that your M is there with grandkids more than them. I would specifically ask if they could come over to take older child out for day as a treat so toddler does not get jealous. They can't really say no to that without looking mean to your first DC. Let them come in after to see baby for a bit and whilst they are there you take a nap.

[quote Ravenglass83]@phoenixrosehere absolutely right!! How we treat other women is central to this thread (and also how misunderstood the sensitive mechanics of establishing breastfeeding are by society at large).

OP appealed for help in ensuring her basic emotional needs are respected during one of the most vulnerable and important periods of her life.

Some posters then respond by telling her to subjugate those emotional needs for a bunch of selfish, ungrateful and insensitive family members. Because that's what we do when a woman's needs create the slightest bit of inconvenience to others. Highly suspect those posters have been exactly the type of in-laws described by the OP.[/quote]
I just felt so useless. Like the one thing I was supposed to be able to do ( unrealistic expectations on my part I guess ) was to feed my child and I couldn't do it.

Mother in law kept going on about how long she breastfed her kids and they kept saying breast is best etc, just before the birth. Whereas my mum was completely different. She said she supports me, but I shouldn't torture myself or the baby over it at all.

She commended me on how hard I was trying and said if she has had to try that hard to feed, she would have given up already. But MIL kept saying I need to keep trying and trying and seeing as I'm on maternity, that was now my full time job.

Then they'd come and ask and I would have to explain the ins and outs of my failings to them and to my 18 year old sister in law. I felt like the biggest failure as a woman really.

@caringcarer

My guess is they are jealous that your M is there with grandkids more than them. I would specifically ask if they could come over to take older child out for day as a treat so toddler does not get jealous. They can't really say no to that without looking mean to your first DC. Let them come in after to see baby for a bit and whilst they are there you take a nap.

But they see my daughter all the time. Whenever they like really. I never say no. My mum doesn't even live here, so she gets to see us only when she can come over. They're the primary grandparents just because of distance.

It's up to you to decide who you want around and when. You are the one who is giving birth, and who will be feeding, and you are allowed to have boundaries.

That said, I do think it's possible to have a bit of empathy for your inlaws. I totally understand why you want your mum there and not them, but from their point of view it may seem that they are being shut out. I also think inlaws can't win - have the MN posts on this issue are "my inlaws have barely been to see me and my new baby - I'm devastated", and the other half of the posts are like yours, with new mothers who are seeing entirely too much of their inlaws for comfort.

I don't understand how they feel shut out because my mother is here. They're the ones that are always here ! It's just a few weeks. They're the main grand parents. Shouldn't they just let my mum and I have that time, seeing as usually it's all on their terms and in their country etc? We really never shut them out of our lives. But of course when it comes to proper support, I would rather have my mum with me. They're the ones that get so see the kids all the time. Surely they can take a small step back for a couple of weeks while I recover and not get jealous or feel shut out ? I don't get it. It would be very different if they all had equal time with their grand kids.

Find your voice & use it xxxx

Yanbu, you will have 2 kids now and you really need to speak up. They have crossed the line, and don't even seem to care. Sorry but your dh is the root of the problem. How you decided to have another child with him is beyond me. He has no respect for your feelings, yet expect so much from you in return. He clearly doesn't even care now. Your mum is there helping your family out in the way that you all need. It's lightens the load for all of you. I do think the mother's need to have her own dm around trumps the dh family at first. My dm and iL live in the same city far away from us. We had space for one set. My dm stayed with us for the first month because she is like your mum. Made our lives so much easier. My dh family came up after a month. They were offered to come over earlier but find other accommodation but they preferred to stay with us so came up later. Tbh I could have cared less what they felt about the situation. I was the one who gave birth, and it was me that needed to find my way.

I haven’t rtft but…your husband needs to advocate for you. I have had similar situations with ILs in the past and DH said nothing. Better for me to be upset than them feel put out.

I am now pregnant again and spoke to him last week about putting us and my mental health first.

Speak up and remember they are your DC.

That's fair enough. And it would also be fair enough if that wasn't the case, and your mum lived a lot closer! You've just had this huge physically traumatic thing happen to your body, which it will take time and care to heal from, and you have a new baby so will not get that time and care as you will have broken sleep and further physical demands on your body. How you get through the next few months should be entirely your decision. I think society really, really underestimates the workload and physical strain on new mothers. If a paid job put the same physical and mental strains on us, our employers would be jailed! I was just pointing out that from an inlaws point of view, it is difficult to get the balance right. You need to insist that your husband present a united front and support you in this. He knows his own parents best in order to do it without upsetting them too much.