In laws came to see my new baby 10 times in the first two weeks last time...

[wardrobewarrior]

When I had my DD, two and a bit years ago, my in laws came to my house 10 times in the first two weeks of her life.

I was utterly miserable and devastated and no one spoke up for me and I had no strength to speak up for myself.

I begged my husband to ask them not to come, but he didn't want to upset them.

I had a really hard time breast feeding, felt disgusting and really had a severe case of the baby blues, later even PND. I wasn't able to always put a happy face on when they'd come round and openly ask how it was going with the feeding etc. and this made me look bad to them. My father in law even made some comments that life is too short to always be so miserable. I'll never know if it was directed at me. But in my mental state, it was directed at me.

I'm having my second baby in a few weeks and I'm terrified this will happen again. My husband also insisted his other family members came round at around 3 weeks post birth last time. But I also didn't want them to come yet and wasn't ready. It was really really a hard time for me. I was devastated constantly and I felt very alone and like no one understood or supported me. Even my mum was around and said that I had to let the in laws come over because you can't say no and it's rude and I'll come across badly.

This evening, my in laws came round for the second day in a row for some strange reason. Eventhough I made it clear I wasn't really up for it and it brought back all the memories. My mum is here visiting at the moment and I said to her that we cannot have a repeat from last time and she said again, you can't really say no and to not make a fuss. It's really triggered me and I'm really angry that no one supports me in this.

I think if I feel the same way again this time, I will need to explain to them that I can't have them visit as much.

In an argument we had when my first was a couple of months old, they told me I had made them feel unwelcome in my house with my attitude after the birth of my daughter. I really was devastated I couldn't breastfeed and my hormones were all over the place. My body was all weird and my stomach all hanging over my c section scar. I really just didn't want anyone to see me like that for a prolonged period of time. I also cried a lot and I didn't want them to see me cry. I think if they hadn't been all up in my face, my mental health might have been better.

I've never forgiven my husband for this. He knows this. I want him to have a word with them before the birth, that I will need space in my home from them and that they shouldn't take it personally. I'm very worried he will not stick up for me. My mum will be here to help me and I also told her that she needs to support me. She's the sort of person who doesn't understand why I cried so much etc, because she didn't feel that way. So it's hard to get through to her. I think she thinks I'm just a bit pathetic. I'll just need to be my own advocate if no one else supports me this time, I guess.

I feel for you as my PIL were the same, but in my case they stayed with us, they were only meant to stay 2 days over Christmas but arrived the day I came home with DS1 (22nd Dec) and didn’t leave until after the New Year. I was in absolute tears all through Christmas, they didn’t respect any boundaries such as when I was trying to breastfeed, they always wanted to take him from me as if they were doing me a favour when in fact my boobs were in agony and I just wanted them gone.
I have never really forgiven them for this, as I felt they had stolen our time to bond with DS1and get our heads round our new little family. In addition FIL thought it was a great idea to invite his brother and family over on Boxing Day, these were people I had never even met before. I was absolutely furious and just made the excuse I was not feeling well and spent the day holed up in my bedroom with baby.
However, When DS2 arrived DP was under strict instructions to keep his parents away for the first couple of weeks which he did.

Stand your ground, this should be about what is best for you not them. Explain how you feel to DH, tell him you need his support in this. If he is too weak to stand up to his parents, get your stuff together and go out for the day, even if you and your mum go for a coffee, or back to your mums, leaving him to explain to his parents why you are not there.

I don’t understand why you’re so passive in all this. As opposed to being devastated and ‘begging’, just say no.

• If you don’t want them to visit, they don’t get to visit. It’s really that simple.
• If you want them to help with specific chores, ask them to.
• If you would like them to pick up and take care of the older child at their own home, ask them to and see what they say.

You appear to just let things happen to you. Why? You are a grown woman with agency. If you don’t want something to happen, then don’t let it.

Because I can’t see anyone can be happily married to a person that allows this to happen to his wife who has just given birth to their first child

* I was utterly miserable and devastated and no one spoke up for me and I had no strength to speak up for myself.*

I begged my husband to ask them not to come, but he didn't want to upset them

And I can’t imagine anyone having even a half way decent relationship with their in laws if the in-laws behaved in this manner and I didn’t feel comfortable enough to explain how it was making me feel

sharing the care of the first one with the in laws isn't actually something I hugely object to. I object to the fact of them potentially being here every evening expecting to wake a baby up and being intrusive in my home while I'm not feeling well.

This is quite a different issue. So let them come, give them a list. They could bring dinner for a start. And tell them no waking baby.

@NdefH81 what have your questions got anything to do with not wanting in laws up in your face when you are trying to recover after giving birth, establish feeding and generally just wanting to put your own needs and wishes before anyone else's? I find it so annoying that if you had a major op people wouldn't dream of being around your house visiting hours on end wanting to be waited on, but because there's a baby that has just arrived it seems that everyone has a free pass as they all seem to own a "piece" of this new baby. I have been left feeling like a vessel by my in laws, this only happened the first time. My second and third child I called the shots, I didn't let my in laws round, we went to them for a bit (so we could leave after a short time) this was only when I could face them. I had a rough birth and recovery the third time but I saw it as "getting it out the way" it was during lockdown so it was on their drive, showing them our baby. They are still mad about it now that we kept them away (it was during a lockdown anyway so they couldnt visit!!) but even if it hadn't been I'd have said no to visits. I was quite ill and physically struggling (with all manner of embarrassing things) no one visited and wouldn't have due to this.

I think it's important for you to say what you want and need, even if it offends people, I think some people get carried away when there's a new baby, they focus on the baby and completely forget that there's a woman here who has just been through labour or a section. Even if things go smoothly you still have a physical recovery period and the pp period immediately after to navigate, then add in feeding and bonding it's hard even without an audience.

You should put your needs first, ignore this whole treating both sides equally, you know if your mum was there she'd be there to help you, not there to have the lion King moment like everyone else.

Why I ask

Because utterly perplexed that anyone could be married to someone who saw I was “utterly miserable” about something to the extent i “begged” them to talk to their parents but they refused to

And I’m utterly perplexed that the relationship between OP and inlaws couldn’t be anything other than negative beyond this issue.

So how many days after we come from hospital is it reasonable to say they should wait before they come ?

What's reasonable and what's ' mean '?

I'm just not sure how we should put it to them.

Should I let them come the day we come home from hospital and then ask them nicely to await an invitation for once I feel a bit better ?

@wardrobewarrior

So how many days after we come from hospital is it reasonable to say they should wait before they come ?

What's reasonable and what's ' mean '?

I'm just not sure how we should put it to them.

Should I let them come the day we come home from hospital and then ask them nicely to await an invitation for once I feel a bit better ?

What is it you actually want? Decide that, then TELL (don’t ask them). There is no set time that is universally fine.

It is lovely they adore your dd. But you are a person in your own right. You really need to put boundaries in place. Now.

@wardrobewarrior

So how many days after we come from hospital is it reasonable to say they should wait before they come ?

What's reasonable and what's ' mean '?

I'm just not sure how we should put it to them.

Should I let them come the day we come home from hospital and then ask them nicely to await an invitation for once I feel a bit better ?

What do you want?

Because that is what it is “reasonable”

And when they do come, why don’t you pop to bedroom for a nap and DH oversees the visit?

Say you'll let them know after you have given birth. Don't make promises and then feel you have to fulfil them when you might be feeling awful. You have no idea how long you'll stay in hospital or when your midwife will visit so don't promise anything. I'd say at least a week after you get home even if you are well. Don't tell them this though.

@KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa

Say you'll let them know after you have given birth. Don't make promises and then feel you have to fulfil them when you might be feeling awful. You have no idea how long you'll stay in hospital or when your midwife will visit so don't promise anything. I'd say at least a week after you get home even if you are well. Don't tell them this though.

I think that's a good plan. Because I have no idea how I'll feel. Maybe I'll want them around.

Last time they came to the hospital every single day too and then as soon as we got home too. Thankfully they can't come to the hospital this time because of covid I think.

When my dd was born, I told my family, who wanted to come immediately that I would let them know when I was up to having visitors. My pregnancy and birth had been pretty difficult. I was feeling a bit better after a couple of days. But only to see my mother.

This is what you tell your in-laws. If they want to see your baby and you’re not ready after a couple of days post birth, perhaps your dh could go out for a little walk with them? I’m suggesting maybe half an hour if you’d be comfortable. I know not all mums are ok with this.

One in 13 currently has covid and that is probably a wild underestimate as a lot of people have stopped testing. So you could use the outdoor walk as protecting your baby. I presume your mum will isolate? I’d want her to with rates this high.

I forgot you’re having a c-section. So a couple of days after getting home as you’ll only just be out of hospital a couple of days post birth.

I agree with letting them know when you feel up to it.

If your husband complains tell him OK-as long as your Mum can keep trying to whip his dick out when she feel like it!

As you can't be sure that his mum will leave your boobs alone it is a hard no!

In the same way that people write birth plans, I would write a postnatal plan on what will and will not be ok as far as visitors etc are concerned.

If your mum and husband don’t like it, tough. It’s shit to have to hide in your room, but that’s what I’d do if they won’t listen. When visitors are coming, that you don’t want/haven’t agreed to, just take the baby to your room and stay there for as long as you want.

You don’t owe anyone anything. I’m sorry you have such shit people around you

Should I let them come the day we come home from hospital and then ask them nicely to await an invitation for once I feel a bit better ?

That sounds a fair compromise.

But set a time limit on the visit before they come to stop you reaching the point of feeling tired/overwhelmed/in need of some time alone. And then arrange for them to have your daughter at the weekend and a visit to see baby the following week (or a few days later whichever suits you best). Take away any opportunity they have to claim you're keeping them away. You're not. You're asking them to allow you some space.

But also if you've arranged to see them and don't feel up to it on the day, be honest, and offer an alternative. You are important, your needs matter.

You need to set strict boundaries. You tell them when they can come and unplug the door bell. Tell your DH he shouldn’t put his parents’ feeling before yours or he can go back to live with them.

@wardrobewarrior

Who knows! Maybe I'll even want them to come around this time !

My mum was SO fed up of them coming over last time as well. It was way too much for her too. But she wanted to keep the peace and make them happy. She's always like that. I told her tonight that OUR needs are just as important as anyone else's. They'll have plenty of time to bond with the baby, once that difficult period is over. They have a great relationship with my DD and I don't stand in the way of that.

They don't come unannounced. But they invite themselves round sometimes. Especially when my mum is visiting. Strange.

Get your HV and midwife onside. Can they have a word with your husband?

And whilst I don't like in-laws being kept at arms length this clearly isn't the situation here and you really have to come first.

Ask your useless husband if he's ok with you being ill again?

Otherwise, invite your in-laws round. Have a full and frank discussion and explain exactly how you felt. How important it is to you to try and establish breast feeding and to recover. Than PND is a real illness and you DO NOT want it again.
That you are happy for them to meet the baby and would appreciate them spending time with the existing GC to make them feel special But you need to be able to deal with the new arrival your way.

And if they don't listen, every time they come round take yourself and the baby off upstairs and stay there!

Oh, and ask your husband, who is more important to him - you or his parents and other family? That answer will tell you what you need to know

@wardrobewarrior

So how many days after we come from hospital is it reasonable to say they should wait before they come ?

What's reasonable and what's ' mean '?

I'm just not sure how we should put it to them.

Should I let them come the day we come home from hospital and then ask them nicely to await an invitation for once I feel a bit better ?

That's fair but establish it now not after the birth

And I know people often want their own mums there but how long and why do you want yours?

Can your husband not cope?

Because that will be used against you.

I told my husband his family weren’t to visit en masse. They are loud and overbearing and I didn’t want it. They didn’t come. If they had, I’d have turned them away.

They sound absolutely vile OP and I would have cut off contact with them after the trauma they put your through with your DC1. I wouldn’t want people I couldn’t stand around my DC, family or not.

@Nanny0gg

And I know people often want their own mums there but how long and why do you want yours?

Can your husband not cope?

Because that will be used against you.

Mhh last time I think she stayed 3 weeks after the birth or something like that. This time similar or maybe longer, depending on how we all feel. We have a big house and my husband doesn't mind.

Why do I want her? For company and support. I'm also chronically ill and need an extra hand sometimes. Things are a bit harder for me sometimes.

And I know people often want their own mums there but how long and why do you want yours?

Because it is OP’s mum. Where she won’t have to stand on ceremony and can just be herself

Can your husband not cope?

Nothing to do with coping, help is always welcomed

Because that will be used against you.

Even more of a reason to keep them away, if that is their attitude.

I’ve just had major surgery. My mum came to stay last week to help when I got home. My husband could cope, but why put everything on him when my mum can help. His mum has her nose out of joint because we didn’t ask her. But then, she also said she wouldn’t be able to help us where it looked like we might not have overnight care for our daughter when I was in hospital and she said she could do one night but the other night she was going to the theatre so would have to go home. She lives half an hour away, but instead we had to have my mum, who is 200 miles away, and was already coming to help us, on standby just in case.