In laws came to see my new baby 10 times in the first two weeks last time...

[wardrobewarrior]

When I had my DD, two and a bit years ago, my in laws came to my house 10 times in the first two weeks of her life.

I was utterly miserable and devastated and no one spoke up for me and I had no strength to speak up for myself.

I begged my husband to ask them not to come, but he didn't want to upset them.

I had a really hard time breast feeding, felt disgusting and really had a severe case of the baby blues, later even PND. I wasn't able to always put a happy face on when they'd come round and openly ask how it was going with the feeding etc. and this made me look bad to them. My father in law even made some comments that life is too short to always be so miserable. I'll never know if it was directed at me. But in my mental state, it was directed at me.

I'm having my second baby in a few weeks and I'm terrified this will happen again. My husband also insisted his other family members came round at around 3 weeks post birth last time. But I also didn't want them to come yet and wasn't ready. It was really really a hard time for me. I was devastated constantly and I felt very alone and like no one understood or supported me. Even my mum was around and said that I had to let the in laws come over because you can't say no and it's rude and I'll come across badly.

This evening, my in laws came round for the second day in a row for some strange reason. Eventhough I made it clear I wasn't really up for it and it brought back all the memories. My mum is here visiting at the moment and I said to her that we cannot have a repeat from last time and she said again, you can't really say no and to not make a fuss. It's really triggered me and I'm really angry that no one supports me in this.

I think if I feel the same way again this time, I will need to explain to them that I can't have them visit as much.

In an argument we had when my first was a couple of months old, they told me I had made them feel unwelcome in my house with my attitude after the birth of my daughter. I really was devastated I couldn't breastfeed and my hormones were all over the place. My body was all weird and my stomach all hanging over my c section scar. I really just didn't want anyone to see me like that for a prolonged period of time. I also cried a lot and I didn't want them to see me cry. I think if they hadn't been all up in my face, my mental health might have been better.

I've never forgiven my husband for this. He knows this. I want him to have a word with them before the birth, that I will need space in my home from them and that they shouldn't take it personally. I'm very worried he will not stick up for me. My mum will be here to help me and I also told her that she needs to support me. She's the sort of person who doesn't understand why I cried so much etc, because she didn't feel that way. So it's hard to get through to her. I think she thinks I'm just a bit pathetic. I'll just need to be my own advocate if no one else supports me this time, I guess.

@TILFA

You are very keen on “labels” and perceived “rights” associated with those label

So irrespective of what individuals are actually like and their behaviour - they have “rights”
Let me guess… you think a man should sit at head of table?and children should be seen and not heard.

Perhaps I’m a weird granny but I really don’t get the “ I must see this baby now” thing. First grandchild I saw after 48 hours as he was prem, my daughter was young and had been so unwell in pregnancy. I think the second was a week old. It’s not like they’re going to evaporate and tbh one baby’s much like another. I was more concerned my DDs were ok.
Your baby, you make the rules. Invite your in laws to meet the new baby in the first 8/9 days then they can come back when it suits you. Your DH can send them photos. Tell them you are recovering from surgery and you also have DD to think about , you don’t want her feeling pushed out with all the baby adoration.
Good luck with the birth and I hope you have a fast recovery.

@TILFA

This isn’t about MIL vs DM - take the relationship title out of it and consider if this is a kind and respectful way to behave for anyone.

Are these acceptable behaviours towards a physically and emotionally vulnerable new mother - by any human being, IL or not:

• came to my house 10 times in the first two weeks of her life.

• made some comments that life is too short to always be so miserable

• told me I had made them feel unwelcome in my house with my attitude

• they kept waking the baby up on purpose. Or going to the baby's room while she was sleeping and talking really loudly right next to her whilst staring at her and saying ' wake up ' ' wake up '..

• kept talking about my breastfeeding and pushing me to keep trying and whipping my boobs out in front of everyone to show me how to do it

• are very dramatic and can be toxic and hard to reason with.

• believe they have some sort of divine RIGHT to their grand kids

• came to the hospital every single day too and then as soon as we got home too

• kept going on about how long she breastfed her kids

• kept saying I need to keep trying and trying and seeing as I'm on maternity, that was now my full time job.

Although I do agree it ridiculous how it is that posters aways say the dh should deal with his own mother

If I had an issue with my mil, I would raise it. Because I’m a grown assed woman.

My issue with the dh in this scenario is that he saw his post birth wife was utterly miserable and listened to her “begging” him to speak to them - and he point blank refused

@iloveyankeecandle

When I had my first, I said no visitors in the first two weeks. I allowed my parents to visit twice and In laws once. It was time for us all to adjust. Luckily, second came in lockdown. So no one to bother us. But I spoke to hubby before the first and said I wanted time just us. I knew we'd be tired etc and he backed me up. He also told people to leave when they'd been there too long. If you have another child then use them as an excuse, say you want the eldest to get used to baby being there. I'd allow them to visit but you give the day and time. Good luck

Had you had your baby when you set that stipulation?

I loved having visitors for my first. But didn’t know that until I gave birth

Thankfully - all friends and family without exception aren’t least bit pushy and their priority was me, seeing baby. In that order

* I didn't visit any of them in thee first few weeks and fully respected their wishes. However, one of my DILs, who I had a great relationship prior to their baby arriving made it very clear where I stood when she told me MILs are never real grandparents as it wasn't their daughter who grew a human and pushed it out all by herself. I'm not sure how she thought her husband was born*

Your dil spoke directly to you rather than your son then?!

And I suspect if previously good relationship pre birth
And then poor post birth
Indicates that you weren’t exactly supportive during those visits!

@TILFA if the OPs DM or any other visitor had said or done just one of these things they should be shown the door.

The new mothers emotional and physical well-being trumps everyone and everything and needs to be protected and cherished not open to ambush - the boob thing is probably assault. Devastating and humiliating.

OP you are very lucky to have a loving and caring proper DM to support you and to reference your own motherhood to. Immerse yourself in that.

My absolute pet peeve is everyone piling into your house when you've just had a baby.

You've either just pushed something the size of a melon out of a hole the size of a strawberry, or you've had major surgery. On top of that you've likely been up for a few days with little sleep, a new human to feed and change around the clock and are finding your feet with parenthood, even if it's not your first time round.

I found most people come and expect cups of tea and biscuits, too. Chances are you're not even eating three square meals a day but family members will sit on their arses with the biscuit tin and a brew.

Now, I know people are excited to see the baby and that's honestly lovely, but I find it so rude that new parents aren't given a good few days to recuperate and get settled with a new baby on board. After my c sections I was wrecked, in a lot of pain and quite tearful. People kept turning up in droves completely unannounced and I just wanted a few days to get my head out of my own arse. In the end I made a jokey status about people bringing food and supplies when they visit and please check that we aren't all asleep because baby has no concept of the normal body clock - they started getting the message and I done it in a way that was funny and not aggressive.

Could you not do the same? I also said we wanted a few days to enjoy being in our little bubble whilst my husband was on paternity leave. To be fair most people totally got it, only a few tried to push it and kept turning up.

10 times in two weeks is ridiculous. Tell them to sod off if they don't take the hint.

@BoredZelda

And I know people often want their own mums there but how long and why do you want yours?

Because it is OP’s mum. Where she won’t have to stand on ceremony and can just be herself

Can your husband not cope?

Nothing to do with coping, help is always welcomed

Because that will be used against you.

Even more of a reason to keep them away, if that is their attitude.

I’ve just had major surgery. My mum came to stay last week to help when I got home. My husband could cope, but why put everything on him when my mum can help. His mum has her nose out of joint because we didn’t ask her. But then, she also said she wouldn’t be able to help us where it looked like we might not have overnight care for our daughter when I was in hospital and she said she could do one night but the other night she was going to the theatre so would have to go home. She lives half an hour away, but instead we had to have my mum, who is 200 miles away, and was already coming to help us, on standby just in case.

It's not an unreasonable question.

I'm not saying anyone's wrong, I'm just asking. I had no extra help (no mum and MiL wasn't in the best of health)
I helped my children when needed but didn't need to stay.

The OP has explained further so all good.

Also, I'm going to throw my two pence in here about the in laws vs your mum thing.

Your mum is there to support you, her child, after you've just given birth.

My mum stayed with me for a bit on my request because I needed help recovering - my husband fully supported this because SHES MY MUM.

If my daughter had a baby and just wanted her mum there to support her and help her recover, but was worried about the in laws kicking off cos they weren't allowed to visit the in laws would politely be told to knob off. Unless you are very close with your mother in law and she genuinely wants to help you then it's just not the same.

New mums are allowed to want their mums without having the added worry of mother in law feeling like their nose is being pushed out of joint. Ultimately, everyone will bond with the baby, it's all just petulance and people staking their claim on the baby rather than supporting a new family. Drives me insane.

@diddl

I'm not sure why Op should hole herself up in her room to bfeed unless she wants to-if baby needs a feed they can take their GD out, be useful elsewhere in the house or go home!

Only if they ignore her wants and she hasn't got the strength for the confrontation

I don't think I would set boundaries by explaining how hard it was for you last time. People like this might use that information against you, especially the kind of people who would openly tell you that you were wrong to make them feel unwelcome in your home, as if you were an errant child who needed to be told off. Instead, maybe you should go on the offensive. "When my oldest baby was born, you were unsupportive of me and disrespectful towards me. Your frequent visits and constant criticisms were intrusive and hampered my recovery from childbirth. This time, you will treat me with respect. If I am able to take visitors, I will call you and let you know that you can visit a few days after the birth, when I'm home from the hospital. You can visit for a few hours. Then once a week after that. You'll need to call before you come, in case I am feeling unwell and unable to take visitors."

Being stressed out interferes with establishing breastfeeding so it's ironic that your MIL was so insistent on "helping" you with your breastfeeding. (Did she actually whip out your breasts or do you mean that she exhorted you to do so?)

Your husband needs to step up here and maybe you need to have a "come to Jesus" talk with him beforehand. Is it possible your midwife or health visitor can tell him that the rules are that he needs to enforce boundaries with his parents so that you can recover from childbirth and establish breastfeeding? Considering that your mum is a pushover, it would help if you had even one person on your side to run interference for you with you ILs.

"Only if they ignore her wants and she hasn't got the strength for the confrontation"

Well yes of course-but hopefully they won't visit until Op wants them to & her husband & Mum will be there to fend them off!

I just get so annoyed sometimes by the "Oh just go off to your room" & I'm thinking "it's her house-they can piss off"!

Hopefully you know what I mean-it's so often the vulnerable woman making the bloody compromises!

Going to my bedroom, alone, post having a baby and with a toddler also?

Bloody hell that would have been heaven
Lie on bed, Netflix, snacks, mindless surfing on net

Precisely what most would actively love in days after birth!

@NdefH81

* I didn't visit any of them in thee first few weeks and fully respected their wishes. However, one of my DILs, who I had a great relationship prior to their baby arriving made it very clear where I stood when she told me MILs are never real grandparents as it wasn't their daughter who grew a human and pushed it out all by herself. I'm not sure how she thought her husband was born*

Your dil spoke directly to you rather than your son then?!

And I suspect if previously good relationship pre birth
And then poor post birth
Indicates that you weren’t exactly supportive during those visits!

Don't be silly!!

She believed that because that is what she had learned from her mother and maternal grandmother who couldn't understand how the paternal grandparent could love a grandchild the same as the mothers side. I did nothing wrong.

They don't come unannounced. But they invite themselves round sometimes. Especially when my mum is visiting. Strange

Nothing strange about it. You have a close relationship with your mother and want her there, however your child has two sets of grandparents and it could be perceived by them that you don’t want them to see the new born, but your mum is getting lots of opportunities.

Whilst it’s the norm you want your mother, if your in laws don’t have a daughter (or at least a daughter who wants them there) then they will possibly not understand just see your mother getting more time in and it sounds like your husband wants his family there, which he is entitled to

Talk to your husband. Explain again how it made you feel and come up with a plan ( that could be adapted) on visiting, both when, for how long and what’s expected, ie you won’t be waiting on them etc. Your husband also needs to explain why your mother is there much more than his parents, (support for you etc)

And of course she spoke directly to me - why shouldn't she if it was something she believed because she grew up with it? I'm a nice, quiet caring person, not some type of ogre. You have totally misunderstood me,

[quote dumdumduuuummmmm]@TILFA you must be a troll. No normal person could misread so much into posts andcome up with really weird and irrational theories. Go away. [/quote]
Sigh...

@Chloemol

They don't come unannounced. But they invite themselves round sometimes. Especially when my mum is visiting. Strange

Nothing strange about it. You have a close relationship with your mother and want her there, however your child has two sets of grandparents and it could be perceived by them that you don’t want them to see the new born, but your mum is getting lots of opportunities.

Whilst it’s the norm you want your mother, if your in laws don’t have a daughter (or at least a daughter who wants them there) then they will possibly not understand just see your mother getting more time in and it sounds like your husband wants his family there, which he is entitled to

Talk to your husband. Explain again how it made you feel and come up with a plan ( that could be adapted) on visiting, both when, for how long and what’s expected, ie you won’t be waiting on them etc. Your husband also needs to explain why your mother is there much more than his parents, (support for you etc)

My mother is not there much more than his parents though. She's just coming for the birth.. she lives abroad. They'll see their grand kids way more anyway.

[quote NdefH81]@TILFA

You are very keen on “labels” and perceived “rights” associated with those label

So irrespective of what individuals are actually like and their behaviour - they have “rights”
Let me guess… you think a man should sit at head of table?and children should be seen and not heard.[/quote]
That made me laugh, in fact it made my day!!

You're not very good at guessing. I don't believe there should be a head of a table or that kids should be quiet.

Try reading some of my other posts.

Women should support other women, not kick them down. Women can learn from other women. Women can help other women. Surely we are in this together?

I'm out of here now. As for gransnet.... No thanks

@Chloemol

They don't come unannounced. But they invite themselves round sometimes. Especially when my mum is visiting. Strange

Nothing strange about it. You have a close relationship with your mother and want her there, however your child has two sets of grandparents and it could be perceived by them that you don’t want them to see the new born, but your mum is getting lots of opportunities.

Whilst it’s the norm you want your mother, if your in laws don’t have a daughter (or at least a daughter who wants them there) then they will possibly not understand just see your mother getting more time in and it sounds like your husband wants his family there, which he is entitled to

Talk to your husband. Explain again how it made you feel and come up with a plan ( that could be adapted) on visiting, both when, for how long and what’s expected, ie you won’t be waiting on them etc. Your husband also needs to explain why your mother is there much more than his parents, (support for you etc)

The OPs DM doesn’t get more time. She lives in another country and visits for a few weeks of the year. The ILs live locally and have access 365 to their existing grandchild.

The ILs should allow their DIL to enjoy the limited time she has each year to with her own mother rather than rocking up and having the OPs DM running and entertaining them.

* She believed that because that is what she had learned from her mother and maternal grandmother who couldn't understand how the paternal grandparent could love a grandchild the same as the mothers side. I did nothing wrong.*

Give the woman some credit

And… you’re hardly the most objective person!

@TILFA

And of course she spoke directly to me - why shouldn't she if it was something she believed because she grew up with it? I'm a nice, quiet caring person, not some type of ogre. You have totally misunderstood me,

Not just me Pretty much everyone else on this thread

Does it occur to you that your DIL may have “misunderstood” you when you visited post birth and actually came away with the impression you were indeed “some kind of ogre”?!

I've just read your update about your mum living abroad and not seeing you that often.

So that's exactly what I would say to the in-laws "you live locally, you see us all the time. I have limited opportunity to see my Mum and I only want to see her after the birth until I'm up to seeing anyone else"

Repeat ad infinitum