In laws came to see my new baby 10 times in the first two weeks last time...

[wardrobewarrior]

When I had my DD, two and a bit years ago, my in laws came to my house 10 times in the first two weeks of her life.

I was utterly miserable and devastated and no one spoke up for me and I had no strength to speak up for myself.

I begged my husband to ask them not to come, but he didn't want to upset them.

I had a really hard time breast feeding, felt disgusting and really had a severe case of the baby blues, later even PND. I wasn't able to always put a happy face on when they'd come round and openly ask how it was going with the feeding etc. and this made me look bad to them. My father in law even made some comments that life is too short to always be so miserable. I'll never know if it was directed at me. But in my mental state, it was directed at me.

I'm having my second baby in a few weeks and I'm terrified this will happen again. My husband also insisted his other family members came round at around 3 weeks post birth last time. But I also didn't want them to come yet and wasn't ready. It was really really a hard time for me. I was devastated constantly and I felt very alone and like no one understood or supported me. Even my mum was around and said that I had to let the in laws come over because you can't say no and it's rude and I'll come across badly.

This evening, my in laws came round for the second day in a row for some strange reason. Eventhough I made it clear I wasn't really up for it and it brought back all the memories. My mum is here visiting at the moment and I said to her that we cannot have a repeat from last time and she said again, you can't really say no and to not make a fuss. It's really triggered me and I'm really angry that no one supports me in this.

I think if I feel the same way again this time, I will need to explain to them that I can't have them visit as much.

In an argument we had when my first was a couple of months old, they told me I had made them feel unwelcome in my house with my attitude after the birth of my daughter. I really was devastated I couldn't breastfeed and my hormones were all over the place. My body was all weird and my stomach all hanging over my c section scar. I really just didn't want anyone to see me like that for a prolonged period of time. I also cried a lot and I didn't want them to see me cry. I think if they hadn't been all up in my face, my mental health might have been better.

I've never forgiven my husband for this. He knows this. I want him to have a word with them before the birth, that I will need space in my home from them and that they shouldn't take it personally. I'm very worried he will not stick up for me. My mum will be here to help me and I also told her that she needs to support me. She's the sort of person who doesn't understand why I cried so much etc, because she didn't feel that way. So it's hard to get through to her. I think she thinks I'm just a bit pathetic. I'll just need to be my own advocate if no one else supports me this time, I guess.

OP,

You sound utterly bullied by them.
Your husband included.

Most women would have blown their top at their behaviour.

Trying to breastfeed after a CS is so hard.

The pain, discomfort and lack of sleep making so many vulnerable to PND.

Of course you wanted your mother their for practical support.

Your husband is and was a disgrace to not understand this.

If you can pack up and go to your mother you really should.

Op can you not see that they are the ones who see you all the time and seem very involved in your life , it must be hard to be wanted most of the year and then shut out once your mom arrives.
I don't agree with how they treated you the last time but you are more prepared for what will happen this time .
You have to be assertive, say no baby is sleeping I'm feeding and want privacy.
You can batch cook in advance, book supermarket delivery slots so your less reliant on your mom . Housework can wait .
Be firm with your husband tell him no I'm not up to visitors if he insists say ok as long as your here when they are .
When they visit take yourself for a nap or a bath , play with your daughter. You need to make your wishes heard .

It sounds like communication channels are open with yourself and your PILs, I'd take an opportunity to say, yes whilst you feel that I made you feel unwelcome, you made me feel uncomfortable in my own home. I had just had a baby and needed time to recuperate and bond with my baby, whilst struggling with my mental health. This time, if you do decide to visit without my express permission, I think I'll need to point out that I am not upto receiving guests, and that myself and the baby will get the time we need- alone.

You also need your husband to see that he needs to support you in this, as for your mother...what about your peace?

They all sound absolutely useless and wrapped up in what they believe is right, not what is best for you.

Some posters are being ridiculous. It's fine that your mom is coming to help you, you don't need to worry about the feelings of your in laws in the early post partum period. Tell them "we'll let you know when we're ready for a visit!" And when they pester you YOU may need to be the one to say "that's not possible today! We'll let you know when" "today is not a good day for a visit, we'll let you know when!" "We are resting today, up lots in the night! We'll let you know when" sorry your husband and mom are being so I considerate. If you plan to be firm and have some lines in your pocket it may be easier for you to hold the line. Don't get drawn into any back and forth about the visiting, it's ok not to respond to texts/calls if they're badgering you. Good luck OP

@brainhurts

Op can you not see that they are the ones who see you all the time and seem very involved in your life , it must be hard to be wanted most of the year and then shut out once your mom arrives. I don't agree with how they treated you the last time but you are more prepared for what will happen this time . You have to be assertive, say no baby is sleeping I'm feeding and want privacy. You can batch cook in advance, book supermarket delivery slots so your less reliant on your mom . Housework can wait . Be firm with your husband tell him no I'm not up to visitors if he insists say ok as long as your here when they are . When they visit take yourself for a nap or a bath , play with your daughter. You need to make your wishes heard .

It's not really like that. We facilitate them seeing their grand daughter. But as for wanting them around us, that's different. The relationship isn't amazing at all. I don't need them in any way in my life and feel better when I don't see them. But I don't want to deny their relationship with my child. So we keep the peace.

But it's not flowers and rainbows and we interact only

[quote Moveorstay2022]@Ivyonafence

"If and when my husband has a baby he has grown pulled out of him, a 7 inch abdominal wound and the responsibility of feeding a human from his leaking veining engorged breasts, he's welcome to have his mother over any time of day to support him."

Yes, all of the things OP's mil probably also went through to give birth to her husband, ironically. I'm sure her MIL remembers how hard it is. I just think it's a bit off to get annoyed at constant visits from in laws but then have your mum staying with you day and night.
Mumsnet is one of those weird twilight zones where having a relationship with your husband's parents is the strangest thing on earth. I think more people should open their hearts to their MILs and realise that not all of them are after their grandchildren[/quote]
I agree with you. The hurt at being so obviously being denied the same chances of loving and developing meaningful relationships with grandchildren never entirely goes away.

This army of young mothers whose mantra is "you have a DH/DP problem need to realise a son isn't the person who needs to sort out often petty issues. They should also be able to say" please don't be disrespectful towards my mother, who is trying to build a good relationship with you".

Dear me! It sounds worse with every update. I wish you could fly back to your maternal home this time and be properly cared for without all this ridiculous and unnecessary stress.

Your in-laws may adore your children but they are fucking awful to you and they can’t be that oblivious. It sounds like you are merely an inconvenient obstacle between them and their grandchildren.

How dare they say go on the offensive and say you’d made them felt unwelcome? I’d never do it in real life but I wish you’d pointed out that they were unwelcome thanks to the frequency, duration and nature of their visits.

The only positive is that you now know that letting them walk all over you doesn’t win you their approval so stop caring about it and do things differently this time.

Don’t set a day for them to visit in advance as you can’t predict your recovery, but in your shoes I’d invite them as soon after I returned home from the hospital as possible. They get cuddles and photos and when you’ve had enough you take the baby off to bed. They then come back after your mum has left. When they complain your husband can point out that your mum is looking after you and will soon be flying home and only seeing you and her grandchildren every x weeks. Make it a rule that they only visit when their son is present and that he only leaves you with them briefly to make tea or go for a piss.

All the people saying go for a nap and leave DH and the baby downstairs with them; well that’s great if you can do it but most women can’t settle without their newborn babies close to them. I’d have hated it. We are mammals, sophisticated ones but still mammals. Those instincts are strong for good reasons.

Take your baby up to your bedroom to feed since they feel they have a right to critique and belittle you while you do it. You shouldn’t have to but I would.

Your husband needs a right bollocking. I’m so cross for you. Most in-laws are not like this, it’s not about them being in-laws, it’s about them being selfish, pushy people who unfortunately happen to be your in-laws.

@wardrobewarrior

So how many days after we come from hospital is it reasonable to say they should wait before they come ?

What's reasonable and what's ' mean '?

I'm just not sure how we should put it to them.

Should I let them come the day we come home from hospital and then ask them nicely to await an invitation for once I feel a bit better ?

7305.

When I had my first, I said no visitors in the first two weeks. I allowed my parents to visit twice and In laws once. It was time for us all to adjust. Luckily, second came in lockdown. So no one to bother us. But I spoke to hubby before the first and said I wanted time just us. I knew we'd be tired etc and he backed me up. He also told people to leave when they'd been there too long.
If you have another child then use them as an excuse, say you want the eldest to get used to baby being there. I'd allow them to visit but you give the day and time. Good luck

I can't find who said it but " you have a voice , use it " sums it up

I'm not sure why Op should hole herself up in her room to bfeed unless she wants to-if baby needs a feed they can take their GD out, be useful elsewhere in the house or go home!

[quote wardrobewarrior]@TILFA you're so dramatic. The hurt at being denied to visit every day of a newborns life ?? When they get to spend so much more time with them anyway???

Give me a break.

You're absolutely ridiculous. [/quote]
I didn't say hurt at not being able to respond to visit every day; itwas about being treated differently.

I have very good relationships with 2 of my DILs and my SIL,but not with my other DIL.

I didn't visit any of them in thee first few weeks and fully respected their wishes. However, one of my DILs, who I had a great relationship prior to their baby arriving made it very clear where I stood when she told me MILs are never real grandparents as it wasn't their daughter who grew a human and pushed it out all by herself. I'm not sure how she thought her husband was born.

I'm not dramatic whatsoever, if she doesn't want her children to have the great experience my other grandchildren have that's their loss, but I have seen the genuine hurt and dismay first hand of very loving, caring grandparents being left out, It is often not called for and damages relationships.

I am not absolutely ridiculous. I'm just fed up of the I laws, who loved and nurtured their son and could love and nurture that grandchild too, being shunned as the bad guy before any real chance if talking it through a has happened.

TALK TO YOUR I LAWS THEY MAY BE UNAWARE OF YOUR FEELINGS.

If DH won't tell them, do it yourself.

Just write them a letter saying " You'll remember things were very difficult at home after birth of DC1. I'm determined to be better organised this time round and sending this letter to family and friends to put you all in the picture.

In the first three weeks DH and I want to have quiet realaxing time with the babies, and not too many visitors. This will help establ;ish feeding. " Then just lay it on the line whatever conditions you want (Not more than 2 visits a week. No more than one visit per day (anybody) and DH will be co-ordinator. Visits last one hour only, no catering. No visits at weekends).

@LightDrizzle

Dear me! It sounds worse with every update. I wish you could fly back to your maternal home this time and be properly cared for without all this ridiculous and unnecessary stress.

Your in-laws may adore your children but they are fucking awful to you and they can’t be that oblivious. It sounds like you are merely an inconvenient obstacle between them and their grandchildren.

How dare they say go on the offensive and say you’d made them felt unwelcome? I’d never do it in real life but I wish you’d pointed out that they were unwelcome thanks to the frequency, duration and nature of their visits.

The only positive is that you now know that letting them walk all over you doesn’t win you their approval so stop caring about it and do things differently this time.

Don’t set a day for them to visit in advance as you can’t predict your recovery, but in your shoes I’d invite them as soon after I returned home from the hospital as possible. They get cuddles and photos and when you’ve had enough you take the baby off to bed. They then come back after your mum has left. When they complain your husband can point out that your mum is looking after you and will soon be flying home and only seeing you and her grandchildren every x weeks. Make it a rule that they only visit when their son is present and that he only leaves you with them briefly to make tea or go for a piss.

All the people saying go for a nap and leave DH and the baby downstairs with them; well that’s great if you can do it but most women can’t settle without their newborn babies close to them. I’d have hated it. We are mammals, sophisticated ones but still mammals. Those instincts are strong for good reasons.

Take your baby up to your bedroom to feed since they feel they have a right to critique and belittle you while you do it. You shouldn’t have to but I would.

Your husband needs a right bollocking. I’m so cross for you. Most in-laws are not like this, it’s not about them being in-laws, it’s about them being selfish, pushy people who unfortunately happen to be your in-laws.

Completely agree.

Its posts like this that really make you appreciate your family and friends that so effortlessly get what a huge thing it is to have a baby, especially with a CS and just give support and love with space and respecting privacy.

Some new mothers have it so hard on here.

Families being so entitled.
Putting themselves ahead of the new mother.
Not giving a shit about how sore, raw, and physically wrecked the feels.

Awful selfish people think their opinions on breastfeeding have to be heard.

Awful, awful people.

Your Mum sounds lovely your MIL hideous.

You seem to have done more than enough (too much in fact) to “keep the peace” with these intrusive obtuse characters that you MH and emotional well being was severely impacted and your experience of motherhood compromised.

You now know you want to do it differently.

You gut is telling you to protect yourself from this situation. Don’t lose sight of that - it’s your protective maternal instinct kicking in.

Feel proud and confident to assert your needs. Calmly, consistently and repeatedly if needed.

Enjoy the precious finite time with your lovely Mum - ring fence this time with you her and your new little family. Don’t let the rude in-laws ambush those moments. You only have 3 weeks with your Mum - they have the other 49 weeks of the year to engage with their grandchildren.

Cherish this time don’t let them pollute it again.

OP im sorry you had to go through that with your first.

Also sorry to see some of the responses on here basically asking you to negate your own emotional needs for the sake of your in laws.

How you feel is completely normal - I hope that you and DH can agree and set up some clear expectations and boundaries this time around you can have that important time together at home to bond with your new baby and support your DD with the changes. That's more important than anything else. Wishing you lots of luck with it all

@TILFA sorry that your daughter in law said that to you. I think that's really out of line and untrue.

@TILFA I appreciate you think I should talk to them. But I don't trust them with my feelings. I've trusted them before with things and I feel like they use my weaknesses against me. And they clearly think this is a weakness that I can't be all smiley and happy after the birth. A lot of things have happened between us and the trust to show them any vulnerability has unfortunately gone from my side. This is why it's so hard to see them at such a vulnerable time.

@wardrobewarrior I'm so sorry you had that experience and hope you know now you were the opposite of useless . The comment about it being your full time job is BS and completely unhelpful. Great for her that your MIL had what sounds like a straightforward experience with breastfeeding but that's totally irrelevant to you, as every mum and baby's physiology is different.

From my own experience and from everything I've read, feeling comfortable and safe and having a level of privacy that suits you is so important to getting breastfeeding established, as how comfortable you feel can affect the hormones that are essential to breastfeeding. I don't think many people could manage to get it established under close scrutiny from critical relatives.

If you were thinking of trying it again I would definitely find out if there an NHS infant feeding coordinator or lactation consultant local to you, and making contact while you're still pregnant (this is normal! That way you have already got that contact in place should you need it when baby's here). The local NHS one here was totally invaluable to me when I had difficulty early on (whilst being really nice and supportive of my feeding wishes either way) and she also helped me push back at some of the misinformation from family.

But she wanted to keep the peace and make them happy. She's always like that. I told her tonight that OUR needs are just as important as anyone else's

why are people like this? MIL is like it too. Everyone else's needs and wants are more important than family. Fortunately I have a "healthy" dose of selfishness and have trained it out of DH. Family and close friends come first.

You are totally right OP. Your needs and the needs of your new baby come first. And are more important than whether you offend the in-laws. They get to come when it suits you. I also agree with getting them to take your older child out.

@TILFA

"I am not absolutely ridiculous. I'm just fed up of the I laws, who loved and nurtured their son and could love and nurture that grandchild too, being shunned as the bad guy before any real chance if talking it through a has happened."

You are being ridiculous. You're making it sound as though it's something that might not happen.

It fucking DID happen. That's why OP is worried.

If GPs want to be involved then they need to respect boundaries. That's why ILs get shit on here. You might be better off not gaslighting the OP, because if you do this to a stranger, god knows what your poor DIL has had to put up with.

[quote Ravenglass83]@wardrobewarrior I'm so sorry you had that experience and hope you know now you were the opposite of useless . The comment about it being your full time job is BS and completely unhelpful. Great for her that your MIL had what sounds like a straightforward experience with breastfeeding but that's totally irrelevant to you, as every mum and baby's physiology is different.

From my own experience and from everything I've read, feeling comfortable and safe and having a level of privacy that suits you is so important to getting breastfeeding established, as how comfortable you feel can affect the hormones that are essential to breastfeeding. I don't think many people could manage to get it established under close scrutiny from critical relatives.

If you were thinking of trying it again I would definitely find out if there an NHS infant feeding coordinator or lactation consultant local to you, and making contact while you're still pregnant (this is normal! That way you have already got that contact in place should you need it when baby's here). The local NHS one here was totally invaluable to me when I had difficulty early on (whilst being really nice and supportive of my feeding wishes either way) and she also helped me push back at some of the misinformation from family.[/quote]
I'm definitely trying again this time and your suggestions are very helpful thank you!

Op

Do you get on with your inlaws? Like them?