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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP should have offered to help?

149 replies

Imaysnapandfart · 02/04/2022 13:33

It’s my DS birthday and he wanted to go to soft play / Flip put type thing. He wanted his friend to come and DD wanted DP’s DS to come as they are really good friends. So 4 children under 11.
DP dropped his DS off this morning (we don’t live together) and then left me to it. I then had to fork out for a 6 seater cab to get us there (I don’t drive) and back again, whilst controlling 4 excited children in the chaos of soft play.

AIBU to think DP should have offered to help as he drives? He couldn’t have fit all of us in his car but he could have taken his DS and my DD so I could have taken the other 2 in a smaller (cheaper) taxi. Plus it’s very stressful being the only adult in charge of the 4 of them. Am I just being a princess or should he have stepped up?

OP posts:
AHungryCaterpillar · 02/04/2022 13:35

Why didn’t you ask?

Xmassprout · 02/04/2022 13:36

Where did he go after he dropped his son off?

DenholmElliot · 02/04/2022 13:37

you probably just should have asked people to drop kids off at the venue really thats what normally happens

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 02/04/2022 13:37

You should have asked if you needed help.

Original poster
Imaysnapandfart · 02/04/2022 13:39

@AHungryCaterpillar

Why didn’t you ask?
He had originally said he would help with lifts but then said as he couldn’t fit them all in then that there was no point.

He’s not doing anything for the rest of the day 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was just a bit gobsmacked at him dropping and running tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imaysnapandfart · 02/04/2022 13:40

Yes I should have been more specific and asked him outright. I suppose I didn’t want to be the damsel in distress asking for help, but now I’m regretting it! I guess I probably AM being unreasonable, I suppose I just thought he should have thought about me being in my own with four children and offered to help - I didn’t think I should have to ask.

OP posts:
AHungryCaterpillar · 02/04/2022 13:41

Well then you should have asked him to meet you there as others have said I think that’s the usual thing people do

Gizacluethen · 02/04/2022 13:41

How did you phrase the invite? I can't understand how he'd think he wasn't coming, he's your partner not just a parent of your kids friend.

AHungryCaterpillar · 02/04/2022 13:42

It sounds like you wanted him there? Rather than just dropping them off for you. Is there a reason why he didn’t come? Sounds like that’s what you feel annoyed about

DenholmElliot · 02/04/2022 13:42

Well if you had to take a cab anyway, i'm not sure he's done anything wrong here.

The usual thing is to drop off and collect from the party venue.

An adult ought to be able to cope with 4 children under 11 for 3 or 4 hours once a year. yes it's tiring, but it's not that big a deal, No, I think YABU here, not your DP.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 02/04/2022 13:45

Next time he wants anything your answer is no.
And keep saying no.
No he is not staying for dinner.
No he is not staying over.
No you can't look after his dc.

Selfish & inconsiderate are not attractive traits.
Seriously consider if you want to continue this relationship.

RewildingAmbridge · 02/04/2022 13:49

I honestly just actually laughed at the notion that DH would assume anything other than he was coming with me to DS' birthday treat and helping to wrangle multiple children, even if the collagen are perfectly behaved you want another adult to talk to. This is outrageous, he literally dropped his son off with you and left!! No OP you shouldn't have to ask, the clue is in the term partner.

Original poster
Imaysnapandfart · 02/04/2022 13:50

@CoffeeBeansGalore

Next time he wants anything your answer is no. And keep saying no. No he is not staying for dinner. No he is not staying over. No you can't look after his dc.

Selfish & inconsiderate are not attractive traits.
Seriously consider if you want to continue this relationship.

Yeah tbh it feels part of a bigger issue. I quite often have his DS over for a sleepover at mine as he gets on so well with my DCs - but DP then gets to enjoy a night off at his place while I’m stuck with three kids.

If this was a one off then I think I’d just shrug it off.

OP posts:
FloralsForSpring · 02/04/2022 13:51

@Imaysnapandfart

Yes I should have been more specific and asked him outright. I suppose I didn’t want to be the damsel in distress asking for help, but now I’m regretting it! I guess I probably AM being unreasonable, I suppose I just thought he should have thought about me being in my own with four children and offered to help - I didn’t think I should have to ask.
But you wanted help
FloralsForSpring · 02/04/2022 13:53

Does seem like he uses you as a childminder from reading your updates. I wouldn't move in with him or it will get easier for him to dump his child on you

Mummytobe93 · 02/04/2022 13:54

He’s not only a useless partner but also a deadbeat dad. You’d be better off without him @Imaysnapandfart

HollowTalk · 02/04/2022 13:54

He's taking you for a mug. He gets a relationship and sex with someone who babysits his child while he has a night off. He's completely selfish and puts himself first.

AllFreeOwls · 02/04/2022 13:55

This sounds like a communication issue.

Chestofdraws · 02/04/2022 13:57

I really don’t understand this martyr complex some folks have, I want help, I want them to offer to help, I want them to guess I want help, I don’t want to ask for help, and so I’m not going to then I’m going to do it alone and complain I had to do it alone

It’s your kids party. If you wanted him there you should have asked. Quite frankly I’d not have offered either for a boyfriend, it’s simply dulls ville. If I’d been asked I’d have went though.

Chestofdraws · 02/04/2022 13:58

Yeah tbh it feels part of a bigger issue. I quite often have his DS over for a sleepover at mine as he gets on so well with my DCs - but DP then gets to enjoy a night off at his place while I’m stuck with three kids

What? Why do you do this? Why don’t you just invite his kid when he’s over? Why are you inviting him over alone and not with his dad?

Blanca87 · 02/04/2022 13:58

Well you need to stop being so passive and put in place boundaries. I suspect if you have a chat about this he will be dismissive but it sounds like he takes the piss with your good nature.

ToiletPoster · 02/04/2022 14:00

Literally "you don't ask, you don't get". Noone wants to spend their weekend wrangling 3 kids who aren't theirs. If you didn't make it obvious you needed help (and the most obvious way to make it obvious is to ask), why would he just assume that?

Chestofdraws · 02/04/2022 14:00

@Blanca87

Well you need to stop being so passive and put in place boundaries. I suspect if you have a chat about this he will be dismissive but it sounds like he takes the piss with your good nature.
Nah, I’m not aligned. She keeps offering, you can’t make it his fault for saying yes. If she doesn’t like it she needs to stop offering and if she wants him there she needs to speak. She has to take responsibility for her own behaviour.
Clymene · 02/04/2022 14:00

Why are you doing unpaid babysitting for your boyfriend?

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/04/2022 14:02

He doesn’t sound like much of a life partner from what you describe. Does your dd ever go to his for a sleepover?

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