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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP should have offered to help?

149 replies

Imaysnapandfart · 02/04/2022 13:33

It’s my DS birthday and he wanted to go to soft play / Flip put type thing. He wanted his friend to come and DD wanted DP’s DS to come as they are really good friends. So 4 children under 11.
DP dropped his DS off this morning (we don’t live together) and then left me to it. I then had to fork out for a 6 seater cab to get us there (I don’t drive) and back again, whilst controlling 4 excited children in the chaos of soft play.

AIBU to think DP should have offered to help as he drives? He couldn’t have fit all of us in his car but he could have taken his DS and my DD so I could have taken the other 2 in a smaller (cheaper) taxi. Plus it’s very stressful being the only adult in charge of the 4 of them. Am I just being a princess or should he have stepped up?

OP posts:
Adelais · 02/04/2022 14:39

I don’t understand why your partner isn’t staying at yours if his son is? Does he not want to see you? It seems a strange set up to me.

Original poster
Imaysnapandfart · 02/04/2022 14:39

@SpringSparrow

I would message him that the sleepover is off and get him to pick up his son. No way would I be looking after his son whilst he is just chilling at his house.🤨
I really want to do that! But then his DS and my DC will be really upset that the sleepover isn’t happening.

I really wish I just hadn’t agreed to this. Lesson learned!

OP posts:
Chestofdraws · 02/04/2022 14:40

This is just so odd. That you invite his kid for sleepovers and he doesn’t come. Why do you do this ? Are you trying to show how great a partner and possible step mum you are? If your kids want to see his kid then invite the child to come with your partner. I can’t believe you invite his kid without him.

If you’re trying to show him how great a possible stepmom you are and how great the kids get on to try to progress the relationship you’ve went too far, and irs back fired, he’s never going to want to live together when he’s getting free babysitting and time off like this. Why would he. He’s got it golden. He can drop his kid at yours, have free time and he doesn’t even have to have the hassle of spending time with you and yours.

Original poster
Imaysnapandfart · 02/04/2022 14:41

@Adelais

I don’t understand why your partner isn’t staying at yours if his son is? Does he not want to see you? It seems a strange set up to me.
He has his older DS who wouldn’t want to come for a sleepover. But the older DS is out all day with friends so he’s still free until the evening.
OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 02/04/2022 14:41

Text him now and say 'So are you coming over tonight to stop over, or otherwise what time are you picking [his son's name] up?

Make him say outright that he's just leaving son with you. Then you can ask what he was planning to do with his evening. Sounds like he's just been able to do this without any discussion. Don't allow it this time.

Original poster
Imaysnapandfart · 02/04/2022 14:42

@Chestofdraws

This is just so odd. That you invite his kid for sleepovers and he doesn’t come. Why do you do this ? Are you trying to show how great a partner and possible step mum you are? If your kids want to see his kid then invite the child to come with your partner. I can’t believe you invite his kid without him.

If you’re trying to show him how great a possible stepmom you are and how great the kids get on to try to progress the relationship you’ve went too far, and irs back fired, he’s never going to want to live together when he’s getting free babysitting and time off like this. Why would he. He’s got it golden. He can drop his kid at yours, have free time and he doesn’t even have to have the hassle of spending time with you and yours.

Unfortunately my DD and his DS often concoct a plot for sleepovers and then present it as a fait accompli, and because he has his older DS, he uses that as an excuse not to come.

It’s not right though and I shan’t be doing it again.

OP posts:
Chestofdraws · 02/04/2022 14:43

Ah the other child is a drip feed. Majorly so. So his other son never stays at yours?

Original poster
Imaysnapandfart · 02/04/2022 14:44

@Chestofdraws

Ah the other child is a drip feed. Majorly so. So his other son never stays at yours?
Sorry I thought I’d put it in my original post - yes that looks like a massive drip feed, apologies.

No the other DS doesn’t stay over as he’s older and wouldn’t want to play with the others.

OP posts:
LoganberryJam · 02/04/2022 14:45

His older DS isn't a reason why he can't have the sleepover at his though.

Chestofdraws · 02/04/2022 14:46

Then that’s much more understandable why he doesn’t come. This issue is on you. You need to stop inviting the kid for sleepovers, and learn to say no to your own.

AHungryCaterpillar · 02/04/2022 14:47

This is an odd set up I wouldn’t cancel the sleep over tonight as it’s your child’s birthday so they will be disappointed but going forward don’t do it again. If you split up will the child still be coming for sleep overs? Doubt it so the children need to know they don’t always get what they want.

Original poster
Imaysnapandfart · 02/04/2022 14:48

@Chestofdraws

Then that’s much more understandable why he doesn’t come. This issue is on you. You need to stop inviting the kid for sleepovers, and learn to say no to your own.
Yup you’re absolutely right. I’m being a pushover both to him and my own kids.
OP posts:
AHungryCaterpillar · 02/04/2022 14:49

@starskey80

What's his excuse for not staying at yours when his ds is there? That's so weird, and he only has his son weekends?
The vast majority of nrp only have their child at the weekends 🤷‍♀️
Anonykunt · 02/04/2022 14:52

Are you sure you're "partners" and he doesn't just see you as a babysitter with benefits?

Original poster
Imaysnapandfart · 02/04/2022 14:58

@Anonykunt

Are you sure you're "partners" and he doesn't just see you as a babysitter with benefits?
Currently that’s exactly how it feels :(

PP asked when he last bought me flowers - it was Valentines Dad. But I can’t remember before that.

OP posts:
starskey80 · 02/04/2022 15:00

Caterpillar my point was that if he only has son weekends, surely he should spend weekend with him.

The older child makes it different OP, so he's not just dumping the child, the kids are planning the sleepovers.
In that case you need to have a word with your own child. You are the adult.

About today, he should have gone with you, bit shitty to leave you with four kids and a taxi

Ellie56 · 02/04/2022 15:03

Your so called DP is just using you as an unpaid babysitter . Stop being such a mug and start saying, "No."

GetOffTheTableMabel · 02/04/2022 15:05

It just sounds to me as though you need to be more assertive in general but actually, especially with your children. They’re not toddlers. You’re in charge and it seems as though you, and they, need reminding of that. You’re behaving like a bystander in your own weekend. Show some leadership because you deserve more but it’s not just going to come to you.

nldnmum02 · 02/04/2022 15:10

I’m so confused why he didn’t attend with you. I would be seriously questioning the relationship.

Original poster
Imaysnapandfart · 02/04/2022 15:10

@GetOffTheTableMabel

It just sounds to me as though you need to be more assertive in general but actually, especially with your children. They’re not toddlers. You’re in charge and it seems as though you, and they, need reminding of that. You’re behaving like a bystander in your own weekend. Show some leadership because you deserve more but it’s not just going to come to you.
Yes, a hundred percent. I’m being way too passive both with DP and my DCs. I really need to take some assertiveness courses! And grow a backbone.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate everyone’s input. Thanks for helping me see what I need to do!

OP posts:
SiliconDioxide79 · 02/04/2022 15:14

I feel like you are saying yes It's my fault, I am too passive. I am a pushover, and so on, OP. Taking all the responsibilty for his taking advantage of you and being a lazy selfish toad.

You are a nice person . I rarely.comment in here but I think that too many people are giving you a hard time. You are waking up to other people taking the mick but that does not mean you should be like it is your fault. Other people should not behave in this way. Avoid them. Hang out with people as good as you are.

Lou98 · 02/04/2022 15:20

YABU about the lift. You should just have asked him to take 2 so you could get a smaller taxi. He probably didn't see the problem when you were having to get a taxi anyway. Although I do find it strange that he never thought to come to the party.

When it comes to the sleepovers, do you offer to have his Son or does he ask/expect you to?
I'd originally thought he was being hugely U with this until you mentioned that he also has an older Son. Not sure why you said he has his nights free when his DS stays at yours then went on to say he has another Son - surely his nights aren't free then if he's looking after him?
If you don't want to do the sleepovers on your own anymore then yanbu to say that and stop having DS over or expect your Partner to have them more often for sleepovers as well, it shouldn't always be on you.

If he doesn't have his other DS with him and is just choosing to stay at home alone when you have his DS that is VVVU! He should be wanting to spend that time with you

Hausa · 02/04/2022 15:26

@Imaysnapandfart

That’s the thing - when they have sleepovers at his, I’m always there so we’re all together. But when I have his DS he isn’t here.

I am blatantly just being used for babysitting!

Why are you tolerating this, though? I don’t understand how you’re allowing this to happen!
BluebellsGreenbells · 02/04/2022 15:27

Ore to the point why doesn’t he have your DD to sleepover at his or have them both, if not all four?

The next weekend tell him you are having a break and he’s having the kids. See if he steps up then.

Original poster
Imaysnapandfart · 02/04/2022 15:34

@Hausa I don’t know how I’m letting it happen either! Confused

@BluebellsGreenbells the truth has just fully hit me now that you’ve suggested that. The thought of leaving my kids with him without me there fills me with horror!

OP posts:
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