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Original poster

Holiday with tight sibling

151 replies

TiredyWiredy · 02/04/2022 12:31

Every couple of years, we have a family type holiday.

It would be for me (female but not relevant), my brother (single), one or two of our parents and my 2 children. Brother and I do not have a relationship. We barely speak on the phone once a year. On the other hand, brother and I speak to parents daily.

To avoid drip feeding, we are all relatively comfortable with individual salaries of between 50k to 100k.

Last time we went on holiday, I paid all the hotels. I don't mind paying for parents but fully expected brother to pay me back. We took turns paying for dinner. During the whole holiday, brother paid for 1 takeaway pizza for us all to share and said that he was happy to buy more if needed. Of course, no one asked for more.

When we came back, he never contacted me. He kept
on telling parents that he owed me £xxx for hotel fir weeks. Eventually, DM told him that it was OK and I would not miss the money. (!!!!)

On other occasions, brother will want to eat at cheapest places unless parents offer to pay for him.

To be honest, I don't want to be out of pocket because of brother. I would much rather go on my own with my kids or/and with parents. I'm fed up of paying for someone who can afford their own stuff.

How can I approach this with parents?

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 02/04/2022 12:34

Why not say to brother its your turn to pay for the hotels for parents? If he refuses then parents can either pay for themselves or you can decide to pay for them but know it's your choice to do so.

rookiemere · 02/04/2022 12:37

So don't pay for his room and set up an app to note down who pays for what. Oh and tell him to ignore your DM and you would like your money back.

rookiemere · 02/04/2022 12:39

Or tell your DPs that holidays with your DB aren't working and would they like to join your family holiday instead.

MatildaTheCat · 02/04/2022 12:40

Sounds like communication is very poor here. If you book the hotels and are expecting to share the cost you surely check with him he’s ok with your choice then ping him the cost with your bank details and then a reminder if he’s slow to cough up?

Hoping he will suddenly become generous or thoughtful is hopeless. By all means go without him if you want to, that’s also ok but if your DP want you both there you have to communicate clearly.

Leeds2 · 02/04/2022 12:40

Agree with Scottiskskifun. Tell brother it is his turn to pay for all of the rooms.

Notimeforaname · 02/04/2022 12:40

You'll have to forget about the money or ask him for it. That's all.
No need to approach your parents, its him you need to have a word with. You're not children.

EileenGC · 02/04/2022 12:40

Last time we went on holiday, I paid all the hotels. I don't mind paying for parents but fully expected brother to pay me back.

Did you TELL him to pay you back? Without communication you can't argue what he should or shouldn't have done.

To be honest, I don't want to be out of pocket because of brother. I would much rather go on my own with my kids or/and with parents. I'm fed up of paying for someone who can afford their own stuff.

How can I approach this with parents?

Just tell them exactly that? Say that you've been paying more than your share and have now decided you won't be doing that anymore, so either he covers his own costs, or they are invited to join on X date as you go to YZ place.

You're all adults, you should be communicating openly about these things. End the expectations or the routine of going on holiday together. If you don't like something, speak about it.

StCharlotte · 02/04/2022 12:44

When we go away with friends, we always have a kitty. Depends on how old your children are as to whether they count as one or two people.

So say £100 goes in for each person and when that runs out, each person puts in another equal amount.

In the meantime he should definitely be paying for accommodation this time.

Original poster
TiredyWiredy · 02/04/2022 12:45

This is spot on. There is no communication between brother and I.

Brother cannot organise anything. He is not disabled, just... lazy! Parents asked me to book stuff and brother will reimburse his share. Or the bill will come at restaurant and he will not make a move. This embarrasses me!!!!

I genuinely don't want to spend time with brother.
Parents attitude is that they are getting old and love this idea of of a family holiday. I do it not to let then down.

If they insist on holiday, i will ask for advance payment from brother before booking anything. Or is this rude?

OP posts:
humphrg2 · 02/04/2022 12:45

Have a family kitty that everyone puts say 200 pounds into upfront and pay for everything out of this. Again give prices for hotel room and send details and ask for half to be paid into an account using something like revolut before u book. If he doesn't transfer just don't book and do something yourself with your children

Evoll671 · 02/04/2022 12:46

I don't understand how you've got into this situation. If he owes you money then tell him you want it back, or just don't pay for things for him. Communicate.

Evoll671 · 02/04/2022 12:48

No it's not rude to ask fir his contribution up front. Don't be embarrassed if he doesn't put his hand in his pocket when the bill comes so you end up paying.
He won't change and suddenly become not tight so you'll have to change your approach.

EileenGC · 02/04/2022 12:48

If they insist on holiday, i will ask for advance payment from brother before booking anything. Or is this rude?

Of course it's not rude! It's what you should have always done to avoid getting into this situation and feel resentful at your (useless) brother.

Ask him outright, don't be too British and polite about it. You shouldn't be out of pocket so he can go on holiday, that's for sure.

SunshineAndFizz · 02/04/2022 12:48

Yeah surely you've asked him for the money? "I'm looking at x hotel so it'll work out y each, are you happy for me to book". And then send him your bank details once booked. Or tell him it's his turn to pay this time.

Same with meals - just say in a nice way "this is your turn tonight isn't it".

LegMeChicken · 02/04/2022 12:49

@Evoll671

I don't understand how you've got into this situation. If he owes you money then tell him you want it back, or just don't pay for things for him. Communicate.
Exactly. It's really not hard. It's not you letting your parents down, if anything. it's him.
Wishihadanalgorithm · 02/04/2022 12:50

OP, this sounds grim. I don’t think I could be bothered with a big family holiday now you’re an adult. However, if you do still want to go I would suggest a kitty which everyone contributes to. By all means book the accommodation but only once brother has paid his share. Get the money then book, For expenses when on holiday, all put in £200 or whatever and use that to pay for meals, trips etc.

If others aren’t happy with that then don’t go. Stop being the cash cow!

YukoandHiro · 02/04/2022 12:50

Do your and your brother actually talk to each other on these holidays? Isn't it horribly awkward if you don't?

Coronado2 · 02/04/2022 12:50

It's not rude when he didn't pay last time! I think as someone else said put in a set amount per person then there's no worry about who picks up the bill each time, it's whoever is holding the kitty.

If your parents are also on good salaries why are you even paying for their hotels?

Cocomarine · 02/04/2022 12:53

Why would think it’s rude to ask your brother for his share in advance?
You’re crackers!

Unless “50-100K” means he’s on 50 and you’re on 100, in which case you can see why he might think that this family holiday is all your idea, so you should pay. Certainly he might think it’s fair you pay more than half (your idea, your kids, you with lots more money…)

Honestly, cannot get my head round why you wouldn’t cost it up and call him to say, “can you transfer me £500 and I’ll book it then?”

Rainbowqueeen · 02/04/2022 12:53

Family kitty is a good idea for dinner

I also would not book for him until he has paid up front. Just message saying hi bro. I’ve found a hotel. Rooms cost x. I’ll be booking for everyone at 10am tomorrow provided I have received payment by then. My bank details are x. If I haven’t received payment from you by 10 tomorrow I will assume you have decided to pay the hotel direct.

Cocomarine · 02/04/2022 12:54

If it’s so important to your parents to have a family holiday, why do you said 1 or 2 parents attending? They’re not that bothered them? 🤷🏻‍♀️

ZenNudist · 02/04/2022 12:56

I'd bow out this year.

My siblings are like this but I'd just keep reminding them and make it very clear what they owe. Plus they aren't dicks so acknowledge they'll pay me back.

No way would I keep paying for everyone but there are 3 of you and only 1 of him shave to pay for your dc too.

1FootInTheRave · 02/04/2022 12:58

He's a cheeky fuck and you're a mug tbh.

Original poster
TiredyWiredy · 02/04/2022 13:00

@YukoandHiro

Do your and your brother actually talk to each other on these holidays? Isn't it horribly awkward if you don't?
Brother and I don't talk at all.
OP posts:
RampantIvy · 02/04/2022 13:00

If they insist on holiday, i will ask for advance payment from brother before booking anything. Or is this rude?

Option 1
Book a holiday for you, your DC and your parents only

Option 2
To your brother "I will book this holiday after you give me your share for the hotel"

Option 3
Your brother books the holiday and you deduct what he owes you off your share