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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday with tight sibling

151 replies

TiredyWiredy · 02/04/2022 12:31

Every couple of years, we have a family type holiday.

It would be for me (female but not relevant), my brother (single), one or two of our parents and my 2 children. Brother and I do not have a relationship. We barely speak on the phone once a year. On the other hand, brother and I speak to parents daily.

To avoid drip feeding, we are all relatively comfortable with individual salaries of between 50k to 100k.

Last time we went on holiday, I paid all the hotels. I don't mind paying for parents but fully expected brother to pay me back. We took turns paying for dinner. During the whole holiday, brother paid for 1 takeaway pizza for us all to share and said that he was happy to buy more if needed. Of course, no one asked for more.

When we came back, he never contacted me. He kept
on telling parents that he owed me £xxx for hotel fir weeks. Eventually, DM told him that it was OK and I would not miss the money. (!!!!)

On other occasions, brother will want to eat at cheapest places unless parents offer to pay for him.

To be honest, I don't want to be out of pocket because of brother. I would much rather go on my own with my kids or/and with parents. I'm fed up of paying for someone who can afford their own stuff.

How can I approach this with parents?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 02/04/2022 13:01

It doesn’t seem at all difficult to say brother never paid me last time so he’s booking this time. I’m a generous soul so I’ll transfer him money (and actually you mean you’ll transfer money after we’ve balanced restaurants etc. at the end of the holiday)
And if he doesn’t book it and it doesn’t happen, theres always next year. Or you arrange something small just you and your parents, whcih sounds like a win since you don’t even like him

RampantIvy · 02/04/2022 13:01

Option 4
Life is too short to go on holiday you don't even talk to so don't even bother

RampantIvy · 02/04/2022 13:01

Messed that one up

Life is too short to go on holiday with people you don't even talk to so don't even bother.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 02/04/2022 13:02

Why do you all go on holiday together if you don't even speak? That's the most bonkers thing about this post, tbh.

I'd just stop going.

Datsandcogs · 02/04/2022 13:04

He still hasn’t paid for the last one. Remind your parents of this and explained that you won’t be holidaying with him again due to his attitude towards money.

stormswiftlysweetafton · 02/04/2022 13:05

You'll have to be honest. Tell your parents you're not happy to pay his way when he can afford it. Or speak to him directly, swallowing any embarrassment. Say he needs to pay you upfront, or don't book his room for him. You're being taken advantage of. The only solution is to stand up for yourself.

Original poster
TiredyWiredy · 02/04/2022 13:06

DCs are in my room. Last time we went on holiday was pre covid. They had baby food at the time and would maybe eat a bite from my food.

They will need own food this time, I'm happy to pay more for my kids but i don't want to subsidise brother.

OP posts:
PussInBin20 · 02/04/2022 13:07

You don’t even speak on holiday?! Why on earth would you want to holiday (and pay) for that person ? Madness.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/04/2022 13:09

Do you talk on holiday? I'd not want to spend ££££ to be around someone I dislike enough not to even speak to.

Message your folks. "Love holidaying with you both, but I'm finding it odd spending so much of my money and holiday time with Brother and the set up no longer works for me. Happy to holiday with you two separately, let me know if you fancy it"

MzHz · 02/04/2022 13:11

Just tell your parents that they can holiday with him whenever he wants to arrange and pay for it, otherwise you’ll be booking for your family and your parents and you’re not booking or paying for him.

They don’t get to spend your money or force you to spend time with your brother when you don’t want to.

The dynamics your describing lead me to believe that he’s been over indulged by them.

MzHz · 02/04/2022 13:12

Don’t let them manipulate you into this. You’re an adult, a clever and successful one so stand up for yourself

Shoxfordian · 02/04/2022 13:14

Maybe stop going on holiday with your brother as well; seems like you don’t have any relationship with him

Redshoeblueshoe · 02/04/2022 13:16

I'm sorry but I don't understand why on earth you are going on these holidays. In your shoes I'd just book for your family and your parents.
Why do your parents think this is a good idea ?

balalake · 02/04/2022 13:17

A holiday with someone you have no speaking with is not a holiday. Use the fact that your children are older as one of the reasons not to go. Of course, make it clear to your parents that you are happy to go with them but without brother on another occasion.

Hoppinggreen · 02/04/2022 13:18

You are crazy to even consider going on holiday with someone you don’t like or speak to

Derbee · 02/04/2022 13:18

When we all go away together, we tend to take a credit card that all general spends go on. As soon as we get home, we divide the balance by number of people. Maybe get the card in his name, so he doesn’t have to pay anyone back, and you all just owe him for your share?

comealongponds · 02/04/2022 13:19

Stop going on holiday with someone you have no relationship with! If you want to take just your parents and your kids then do that. Why are you paying for your adult brother who you don’t even talk to? That’s utterly bizarre!

If you want money off him you need to actually ask him, preferably upfront

KaptainKaveman · 02/04/2022 13:19

@Evoll671

I don't understand how you've got into this situation. If he owes you money then tell him you want it back, or just don't pay for things for him. Communicate.
This. You have to say it loudly and clearly. He is trying to avoid paying and you're letting him!
Original poster
TiredyWiredy · 02/04/2022 13:20

Brother is useless. In Ddad's words: "We need to take him along or he'll never experience any holiday"

In the past, parents have all taken him on all paid for holidays and shared a triple room. He was about 35 at the time.

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 02/04/2022 13:21

Why aren't your parents paying there way? It comes across like they expect both of you to pay for them.

EileenGC · 02/04/2022 13:23

@TiredyWiredy

Brother is useless. In Ddad's words: "We need to take him along or he'll never experience any holiday"

In the past, parents have all taken him on all paid for holidays and shared a triple room. He was about 35 at the time.

That’s just pathetic. He’s an adult, he should be able to sort his own holidays.

Tell your parents you won’t be holidaying with him again. Come on, you’re all grown ups, stop being so polite to each other about something you don’t like.

Does DBro even enjoy these holidays or is he also going to not upset your parents? If you ask, you might discover none of you actually want to be there in the first place and are all going along so X is happy.

HangingRock25 · 02/04/2022 13:23

What's with this UK need to go on holidays with siblings and parents? It's utterly bizarre. I don't understand why a grown adult would do that. You and siblings going on holidays with your parents when you're little and kids, sure, but it's something I've noticed is unique to the UK. It's just weird. Just tell your parents that you're too old for it and you've grown out of going on family holidays with them and your brother that you don't even get on with. That you can easily spend time with them when you visit them, you don't need to go on an actual holiday with them just to spend time with them.

Sceptre86 · 02/04/2022 13:24

Good god op with are you such a wet blanket? Tell your parents you don't want to go on holiday with your brother as you barely speak so don't have a relationship. Just say you are happy to go with them but not your brother. They may get a bit upset but quite frankly it is surely better than you being out of pocket everytime? He's a grown adult and it isn't your job to subsidise him. If your parents want to arrange something separately with him, leave them to it, don't get involved. If you want things to change then use your voice and speak up, otherwise accept the family dynamic and don't complain.

Bananarama21 · 02/04/2022 13:25

I don't understand expecting their children to fund their holidays they should be paying for their own. Its weird set up when you don't get on and you have your own family.

LollyLol · 02/04/2022 13:26

Sounds to me like your DB does not really want to come on the holiday. But that doesn't mean YOU should pay.

Send him a text and say he owes you xx for the hotel from last holiday.

My DB is like this. Useless and greedy.

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