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AIBU?

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Original poster

Holiday with tight sibling

151 replies

TiredyWiredy · 02/04/2022 12:31

Every couple of years, we have a family type holiday.

It would be for me (female but not relevant), my brother (single), one or two of our parents and my 2 children. Brother and I do not have a relationship. We barely speak on the phone once a year. On the other hand, brother and I speak to parents daily.

To avoid drip feeding, we are all relatively comfortable with individual salaries of between 50k to 100k.

Last time we went on holiday, I paid all the hotels. I don't mind paying for parents but fully expected brother to pay me back. We took turns paying for dinner. During the whole holiday, brother paid for 1 takeaway pizza for us all to share and said that he was happy to buy more if needed. Of course, no one asked for more.

When we came back, he never contacted me. He kept
on telling parents that he owed me £xxx for hotel fir weeks. Eventually, DM told him that it was OK and I would not miss the money. (!!!!)

On other occasions, brother will want to eat at cheapest places unless parents offer to pay for him.

To be honest, I don't want to be out of pocket because of brother. I would much rather go on my own with my kids or/and with parents. I'm fed up of paying for someone who can afford their own stuff.

How can I approach this with parents?

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 02/04/2022 19:59

I suspect that brother is ND too.

Therefore you need to be more direct with him and ask for the money he owes you. I don't understand why you haven't done this yet.

What is the worst that can happen?

KELLOGSspeck · 02/04/2022 20:02

How old are your parents if your brother was "35 then?". It sounds odd... so you go on holiday with your kids and you don't speak to your own brother.

I would stop these holidays from now on. Go with your own kids and gift your parents a break away for a birthday or something. Your brother can do what he pleases.

Chloemol · 02/04/2022 20:15

I would go, and book once brother has sent the money for the hotel

As to meals I would suggest all putting xx into a kitty and using that

DFOD · 02/04/2022 20:58

This is a nonsense situation.

Your family communication is totally dysfunctional.

Your parents are weird with your brother, you don’t speak to him and are now reinforcing this situation in front of your own DCs.

You know this is all wrong - you must be tense and stressed in his company and your DCs will sense this and absorb it. They will be anxious that you are on edge.

Don’t put your DCs in this situation.

Don’t go on this holiday.

It’s got little to do with the money and more that you don’t speak to your brother. Your DCs will notice this.

Don’t keep your parents happy and pass on this dynamic to your DCs.

KELLOGSspeck · 02/04/2022 21:04

@DFOD absolutely!
I've got to laugh at the posters suggesting a kitty!! For what?

ivykaty44 · 03/04/2022 07:36

I've got to laugh at the posters suggesting a kitty!! For what?

Meals out, lunch and dinner, that way everyone has contributed and tight person doesn’t hold back and not pay their turn.

Not sure why you find it funny, it’s worked for us for many years

DilemmaDelilah · 03/04/2022 08:25

I agree he should pay his share - however if you don't talk at all are you sure you know what his financial situation is? He may have money problems you might not know about, and may not be telling your parents about them. If you are planning on going away again I think you need to check that he is happy with the cost, and all the associated costs of eating out etc. It is possible he just can't afford it but would rather seem tight than to admit it.

Aruva · 03/04/2022 17:53

sometimes one has to stand up to siblings like this.. otherwise they get away and think its all ok..

Madamum18 · 03/04/2022 17:59

Contact your brother and tell him that his share will be XXX and that you will be booking on XXXX. Tell him that you need his share in advance so if it isnt with you by then you will just book for you and your parents as arranged

Tell your parents what you have done. It is up to them if they then pay his share!1 If they get upset with you say "I cant afford to pay for brothers holiday every time we go away. I have other things to spend the money on and he is perfectly capable and able to pay his share!"

If you dont want to do this this, get it out in the open etc snd address the issue then you have little choice but to put up with it all tbh!

rookiemere · 03/04/2022 18:40

Given that the OP isn't particularly bothered about going on this holiday, I'd be doing precisely nothing.

DPs are the ones who want this to happen, so unless they're of an age where they can't work the internet and/or too worried to go into a travel agency because of covid, then - other than advising what weeks are suitable- I'd leave them to it.

Be suitably vague or mention how busy work is or some particular challenge with the DCs if they try to get the OP to so it.

This is more about them convincing themselves that their DS is "normal" than actually about having a family holiday. Fine if so, but OP shouldn't be out of pocket for it.

EthelTheAardvark · 03/04/2022 18:41

He kept on telling parents that he owed me £xxx for hotel fir weeks. Eventually, DM told him that it was OK and I would not miss the money

I hope you told him (if necessary through your mother) that that was incorrect and you want the money NOW?

Bollindger · 03/04/2022 19:03

Just tell Brother, he forgot to pay last time, so with that and his room this time it is X amount, and your bank account details are X.
Can he pay up so you can book it all.

Tell your parents your waiting for Bro to pay up. Also put him on the stop. tell him he only paid one meal last time so a slap up meal is on him,.

Londonderry34 · 03/04/2022 19:09

Sorry but I blame your parents. Your relationship with your brother - no shame - is dysfunctional. Looking in I would blame them.

Cherrysoup · 03/04/2022 19:16

Weird. Why are you going on holiday with him? Couldn’t you go a different time with your parents? It must be extremely uncomfortable for your parents and your dc given you don’t talk.

Juststopamoment · 03/04/2022 19:37

I’d do what another poster said and invite your parents to your holiday and leave him out. I think your parents enable his behaviour.

Juststopamoment · 03/04/2022 19:40

If you don’t get the money from him you are reinforcing the same enabling that your parents do. Break the cycle. But also don’t go on holiday with him.

Madamum18 · 03/04/2022 20:12

If you don’t get the money from him you are reinforcing the same enabling that your parents do. Break the cycle

Yup!

maybloss2 · 03/04/2022 20:13

Gosh. If you don’t want to change the non talking with yr brother, don’t include him on the holiday.
IMO it’s not a proper family holiday if two of the four adults aren’t talking. Yr parents can see yr brother on another occasion. 🤷‍♂️

Mandyjack · 03/04/2022 20:23

Message him and say oh can you send the money over to my PayPal or something so he knows you still want it.

DreamTheMoors · 03/04/2022 21:03

For years my two brothers paid for a week’s holiday. They were lovely and fun.
We always, every year, offered to pitch in and split the cost. They refused every time. Every single year.
We bought food and dinners and treats and days out.
After we divorced, my mum told me that my brothers & their wives had a running joke about how tight my husband had been.
Bullshit. My ex was a lot of things but tight wasn’t one of them.
Not every running commentary is necessarily truthful. Sometimes they’re even harmful.
I didn’t have a relationship with one of my brothers either, @TiredyWiredy. He was insufferable to the point of being cruel — who wants to be around someone like that?

whynotwhatknot · 03/04/2022 21:09

Just tell your parnts you wont be going on holiday with your brother anymore

if they want a seprate holiday thats up to them

worriedatthistime · 03/04/2022 21:24

Why not do a kitty for eating out so all put in x amount per head ( less for kids if eating kids meals etc) and use this to pay for meals
Thats what we do when a group us go on holiday
Re/ booking any hotels etc as soon as booked send an email with bank details asking for xxx
Or see if can book with cc to secure but pay on arrival

Murdoch1949 · 03/04/2022 22:23

Blimey, you’ve let this go with your brother for too long, now is the time to set parameters. If he earned way less than you, it would be ok for you to shell out more, but if you are about equal it’s totally unfair and is obviously leading to resentment. Before the next holiday, if you are going to arrange it, establish each person’s share and inform them. If you are Airbnbing, the suggestion about a kitty is good, if you get nightly takeaways take turns. Whatever you do everyone has to be on board or things will just continue with you unable to relax on your holiday because of this festering away. There are always those who step up & those who just take.

sue20 · 05/04/2022 03:00

@TiredyWiredy

This is spot on. There is no communication between brother and I.

Brother cannot organise anything. He is not disabled, just... lazy! Parents asked me to book stuff and brother will reimburse his share. Or the bill will come at restaurant and he will not make a move. This embarrasses me!!!!

I genuinely don't want to spend time with brother.
Parents attitude is that they are getting old and love this idea of of a family holiday. I do it not to let then down.

If they insist on holiday, i will ask for advance payment from brother before booking anything. Or is this rude?

Not rude. Why is this happening? Your brother sounds as though he is treated as a child by your parents for some reason.
ExplodingElephants · 05/04/2022 06:39

You’re seriously not doing yourself any favours here. Next time you go out for a meal, just ask for a separate bill you you and your kids. Regarding the hotel, reserve rooms on booking.com that need to be paid for a week before you go. Let your brother know that he either pays for his by that day or he may get there and he’s got nowhere to stay.