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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday with tight sibling

151 replies

TiredyWiredy · 02/04/2022 12:31

Every couple of years, we have a family type holiday.

It would be for me (female but not relevant), my brother (single), one or two of our parents and my 2 children. Brother and I do not have a relationship. We barely speak on the phone once a year. On the other hand, brother and I speak to parents daily.

To avoid drip feeding, we are all relatively comfortable with individual salaries of between 50k to 100k.

Last time we went on holiday, I paid all the hotels. I don't mind paying for parents but fully expected brother to pay me back. We took turns paying for dinner. During the whole holiday, brother paid for 1 takeaway pizza for us all to share and said that he was happy to buy more if needed. Of course, no one asked for more.

When we came back, he never contacted me. He kept
on telling parents that he owed me £xxx for hotel fir weeks. Eventually, DM told him that it was OK and I would not miss the money. (!!!!)

On other occasions, brother will want to eat at cheapest places unless parents offer to pay for him.

To be honest, I don't want to be out of pocket because of brother. I would much rather go on my own with my kids or/and with parents. I'm fed up of paying for someone who can afford their own stuff.

How can I approach this with parents?

OP posts:
Farawayfromhere · 02/04/2022 13:52

This is all so odd! How on earth do you all have such well paying jobs and yet are unable to function on this basic level. I can't understand what you would initially pay for his holiday when he is like this and then are considering doing it again. Its all very abnormal.

You really need to be able to communicate in an adult way with each other. Its not a complicated situation, just requires you to create boundaries and communicate what you want. Definitely do not pay for your brother again.

HerbivorousRex · 02/04/2022 13:53

Would your parents still want to go if it was just with you and the kids?

If so, then I’d book flights/hotels for you and your parents (if you want to pay for them) then send a message saying:
‘I’ve booked Sunny Beach hotel in Santorini from 11th of June-18th June. Here’s the Booking.com link if you want to join us (they have plenty of availability at the moment).
These are our flight details if you want to share transport to/from the airport: xxxxx
The kids are older this year so it seems fairer if we set up a kitty in advance for group activities and food. Is everyone happy with £250pp for adults and £150pp for the kids. That way we can relax and not have to worry about who is paying for what (obviously we’ll cover our own additional personal expenses)’

I’ve organized a few hen parties and family holidays and the trick is definitely to get people to book for themselves rather than doing a group booking and then trying to get people to pay you back/wait for people to make decisions/have people change their mind and you have to sort all the admin.

If you send him the links to the stuff you’ve booked then it’s really easy for him if he actually wants to go!

Bunce1 · 02/04/2022 13:53

Set up a group WhatsApp.

Hey everyone-
To save any confusion or awkwardness around money let’s get it straight before we go,
This holiday-
Bro, your turn to pay for parents accommodation and dinners will be turn about. Trust this suits all!

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/04/2022 13:55

WTF is voting YABU?!

HollowTalk · 02/04/2022 13:58

Oh god, why are you putting yourself through this? Take your parents on holiday but don't go with him. Your parents are delusional if they think that's a great holiday.

ThatPosterIsSoRight · 02/04/2022 14:01

@LuckySantangelo35

WTF is voting YABU?!
Probably people who can’t fathom why the OP is going in holiday with a brother she dislikes!

I’d just not go. Not with your brother, and not with your parents who are so blinkered about your brother/ relationships/ life.

I have a SIL who is legendarily tight. DH takes great delight in putting her on the spot and forcing her to contribute then watching her count out the pennies as the moths fly out her purse. But otherwise she’s nice, and there are no enabling parents in the mix. We’d not go on holiday with her though!

Totalwasteofpaper · 02/04/2022 14:01

Book an AI or half board.
Choose payable on arrival. Pay for your rooms only.
Book separate flights.

Fwiw your parents sound like they have "expectations" of you and this extends somewhat to your (younger?) Brother

I'd chalk the last one up to experience and keep everything separate going forward.

RosesAndHellebores · 02/04/2022 14:03

From what you have said about him, he's neuro diverse possibly and your parents are masking. There are three of you, two of your parents, one of your brother. I would suggest you go halves with your parents re accommodation and there is a kitty for other expenditure. Estimate expenses per day and you put in half, your parents 2/3 of the remainder and your brother one third.

I know you say your dc are small and won't eat/drink much but they will have ice-creams, rides, child centres other stuff and it all adds up.

Newestname002 · 02/04/2022 14:05

If they insist on holiday, i will ask for advance payment from brother before booking anything. Or is this rude?

Actually I'd take any advanced money from your brother in payment from the last time he didn't pay so you weren't so out of pocket from him.

For any further holidays I'd ask for payment up front before I confirmed any bookings at all.

Bear the storm this will cause, OP. You are an adult and can do this. And, in any case, your mother had no right to discharge your brother's debt to YOU. It seems they are enabling his poor attitude and behaviour- doesn't mean you have to as well. 🌹

StEval · 02/04/2022 14:05

Why dont you speak to your DB?

I dont think you are UR not to btw but why on earth are you going on holiday with someone you are NC with?

I will tell you why?

You are part of a deeply dysfunctional family and are being dragged back into it by your DP.

Kipperandarthur · 02/04/2022 14:06

@HollowTalk

Oh god, why are you putting yourself through this? Take your parents on holiday but don't go with him. Your parents are delusional if they think that's a great holiday.
I quite agree. You are too old for this nonsense. Invite your parents to join you and your children but state that’s all you are comfortable with.

He’s old enough to make his own holiday plans and choices.

PinkSyCo · 02/04/2022 14:06

Why on earth do your parents want to go on holiday with such immature offspring? How awkward! Pick up the phone and ask your brother for the money he owes you. If he doesn’t pay up, refuse to go away with them all again.

BoredZelda · 02/04/2022 14:07

Did you TELL him to pay you back? Without communication you can't argue what he should or shouldn't have done.

As an adult, I would expect anyone who is having their hotel accommodation paid for to check with that person how much they are owe.

OP, next time, your brother pays, or he doesn’t go. At the beginning of the holiday, everyone pays in to a kitty.

ivykaty44 · 02/04/2022 14:08

have a kitty, everyone bungs in £500 for the holiday spending money - all transferred to your account and then you pay for everything until the money runs out

Momijin · 02/04/2022 14:13

If your parents are well off let them pay for him. They would rather pay for him than not have him there so let them. And as annoying as it is, don't let it affect you.

Lalliella · 02/04/2022 14:14

Did your parents pay for their hotel room or did you pay for everyone? It’s very unfair.

It’s a weird dynamic - your parents are trying to push you into happy families when you don’t feel that way. My mum tries to do this with me and my brother, I’d rather not see him in all honesty. I don’t really see why you should have to spend time with someone just because you’re related.

You say you and your brother don’t talk at all, so when you’re sat round a table with your parents how does that work with conversation? Must be really awkward.

I’d knock this arrangement on the head if I were you.

TatianaBis · 02/04/2022 14:14

DB is passive as a slug but to be fair you’re rather passive too OP.

No way would I go on holiday with someone I didn’t like let alone pay for them.

You need to get a grip and tell your parents that you’d love to holiday with them, but you’re not going with DB any more. And if they’re so concerned about his holidays they can do a separate one with him.

TillyTopper · 02/04/2022 14:22

Why on earth are you going on holiday with your brother if you don't talk to him? How awkward is that for everyone?

But assuming there is some reason why, just pay for you room and tell your parents "I've got my room, this is the hotel, be great if you and bro book in the same place". Job done.

billy1966 · 02/04/2022 14:22

Your parents have very little regard for your feelings or pocket.

Stop being so considerate of them.

Tell them to have a holiday with brother.

You don't owe them a free holiday.

Idontevenknow · 02/04/2022 14:27

Honestly this doesnt even sound like an enjoyable holiday for anyone.

Life is too short to go on holiday with someone you don't even talk to- stop going and go away with just your parents instead. If they are well off, they can go away with your brother separately

Iwonder08 · 02/04/2022 14:28

Forget who pays for what. You don't like holidays with your brother. You are a grown woman, why are you spending your precious time off in the company of someone who you actively don't like?! Tell your parents it doesn't work for you. They are free to take him to as many holidays as they wish, but you are not going to participate because you don't want to

WallaceinAnderland · 02/04/2022 14:29

OP I really think you need to take responsibility for your behaviour in all this. Just pay your share, pay for your parents if you want to and leave him to sort himself out. It's really not your problem, I don't know why you are making it into one.

Italiangreyhound · 02/04/2022 14:29

If you enjoy taking the parents on holiday, then carry on. But just tell your brother you are not subbling his holiday any more.

You deserve better.

Hertsgirl10 · 02/04/2022 14:29

Sounds like you have right parents too.

Why are you paying for everyone’s hotel for a start?

NinaManiana · 02/04/2022 14:32

Some people are rubbish about money and just need to be told. When the bill comes at dinner, proactively tell your bro it’s his turn to pay. It might feel awkward at first but it’s more awkward to pay when it’s not your turn and then hope he figures it out and pays you back.