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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To he appalled at this experience today

361 replies

User199999 · 01/04/2022 18:23

Hi.

I understand this sounds quite unbelievable but it is a genuine experience from today.

Myself, my mum and my DD went to a local charity shop which we have visited many times. My DD sometimes can have tantrums whilst out in shops, just normal toddler tantrums. Whilst in there my DD got a bit upset and kicked off a bit and was crying/throwing herself around. I knelt down and tried to calm her down. Next minute the shop keeper came storming over and tapped her a few times on the shoulder from behind saying ‘I think someone’s in a bad mood arnt they’ and got right in her face. I was in shock. She then pointed her finger right in DDs face like she was telling her off. I walked off with DD so I didn’t see this but my mum said the shop keeper pulled a really angry face and did a ‘strangling motion’ behind mine and DDs back. DD then got upset again and I picked her up to try and calm her but she got more upset. The Shop keeper said ‘I think she wants to be put down, doesn’t she’ in a really stern manner, like she was trying too belittle me.

My mum wanted to purchase something so we went to the que and when was getting served o said to DD ‘you’re tired arnt you’re and the shop keeper said ‘yes, I understand she wasn’t doing anything wrong but I’m very old fashioned’. I think this was very inappropriate. What are peoples opinions please.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 01/04/2022 20:22

I get that it's hard. But this sounds like it was going on for a while. You should have taken her out for a bit.

Pebble55 · 01/04/2022 20:23

Quiet browsing in a mothball-reeking charity shop was probably not the best idea - It's called the Terrible Twos for a reason. Mind you, I think I'd have told the shop assistant to piss off on the way out.

Namechange1345677 · 01/04/2022 20:23

Yabu. Try actually parenting your child next time!

FrankLeeSpeaking · 01/04/2022 20:23

@tara66

I doubt that taking a 2 year old to browse in a charity shop full of nick-nacks and stuff to pick through with one's mother is a good idea. Child has no interest in being there.
A child has no interest in a lot of things. I doubt they want to go to the supermarket either, you can't not go anywhere ever until the child is old enough to be in school.
GoFishandChips · 01/04/2022 20:25

God people on AIBU are horrible, she's a toddler, they tantrum, we were all once toddlers. I'd have been very annoyed at someone physically touching my child but as others have said she may have been a volunteer with other issues so I'd cut her some slack and avoid the shop going forward.

Grapewrath · 01/04/2022 20:26

This reply has been deleted

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dewl · 01/04/2022 20:26

I'd definitely just leave it. She sounds like an eccentric old lady who didn't mean any real harm.
I'd quite like it if strangers told my son off as he usually listens to other people 😄

Tilltheend99 · 01/04/2022 20:26

@angstridden2

I would point out that sometimes volunteers in charity shops are there to help recovery from MH or other issues and so this assistant may have been particularly sensitive to your child’s tantrum and possibly did not deal with it in what others may consider an appropriate way.

Definitely would have removed child regardless as soon as they kicked off!

This was going to be my point. A lot of people with hidden disabilities tend to work in charity shops.

I think it’s a bit unfair all the comments criticising how you handled your toddler as you know them best and what to do.

However, there’s not much point complaining about someone who isn’t even being paid to be there unless it was much more extreme and you thought she had hurt her or was a danger.

Stuff like that is stressful and annoying though! Now you have vented it is best to move on.

wishing3 · 01/04/2022 20:26

I’d have been annoyed by this too OP and I think you’re being given a hard time when lots of people in real life would be miffed too. A number of the charity shops I go to have volunteers who I think may have learning difficulties-maybe that could be the case and that’s why they behaved differently to how you’d expect?

gettingolderandgrumpy · 01/04/2022 20:26

I think your being precious op you take your child out of the shop to calm down , nobody wants to hear a screaming child and I have a sen child who frequently has meltdowns and I would take him out of the shop or somewhere quiet to calm down. saying that if have somebody came over and tapped my child on the shoulder I’d say something at the time but you didn’t so get over it .

CharityShopChic · 01/04/2022 20:27

A child has no interest in a lot of things. I doubt they want to go to the supermarket either, you can't not go anywhere ever until the child is old enough to be in school.

Usually in my experience when the adult wants to browse in a charity shop, the adult deposits the child in the toy corner to "play", and if the means strewing the toys across the shop floor and chewing the books all well and good, as long as adult gets to browse in peace.

People wouldn't do it in M&S, but think charity shops are fair game.

Rainydaysandmondays24 · 01/04/2022 20:27

@Namechange1345677

Yabu. Try actually parenting your child next time!
It's nothing to do with bad parenting. I really struggle when my child sits on the pavement and refuses to move. He's 11 but has the developmental age of a 2 year old. I can't physically lift him, so have to wait for him to sit it out. It really doesn't help when I have an audience, no doubt judging me.
Grapewrath · 01/04/2022 20:27

Also toddlers have tantrums and sometimes it’s hard to manage and make the best decision in the moment.
Don’t forget though that mumsnet is full of parents who always get it right first time, those who who eat half a meal a day and can make a chicken last for a week.

WonderfulYou · 01/04/2022 20:29

Being helpful by making strangling gestures at her child?

The child didn’t see and people do this all of the time. It was meant be light hearted and to put OP at ease.

There was an entire thread about how parents swear at their child behind their backs.
Although I don’t stick my middle finger up I often do the strangling gesture or Ross and Monica gesture.

If OPs DM carried on shopping and thought it was no big deal then it’s pretty obvious OP was being overly sensitive.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/04/2022 20:30

I would leave it. Charity shops are often staffed by people who may not be socially adept - it is a very important function of the shops in my view. In this case she definitely sounds like an oddball but there was no harm done.

Original poster
User199999 · 01/04/2022 20:32

@CharityShopChic I understand if that’s your experience but I certainly don’t let my DD do that. I stay with her and I don’t browse in peace. My mum was doing that, I didn’t really look at anything. If in charity shops my DD does get things out like toys and books I tell her to put them back where she found them if we are not purchasing them or help me pick them up and put them back

OP posts:
Happylittlethoughts · 01/04/2022 20:32

No idea why you continued to wrestle a tantruming toddler in a Charity shop. Just go outside . That'd probably have been best for everyone. Someone expressed a different point of view. You'll survive.

Original poster
User199999 · 01/04/2022 20:33

I should also mention I only ever go into charity shops if I’m out with my mum and DD, I do not take DD by myself

OP posts:
Bunnyfuller · 01/04/2022 20:33

Yep. DD needs to learn kicking off means not getting her own way. Ask her once, next time quietly pick her up and take her out.

It might escalate for a while but rest assured she will soon catch on.

SirChenjins · 01/04/2022 20:34

I would have taken my tantrum Ming child outside, but the shop assistant’s behaviour was beyond inappropriate and if it was a large charity I would write to them explaining what had happened and leave it with them to put some additional training in place (or ignore, depending on how they wanted to deal with it).

SaxendaSummer · 01/04/2022 20:36

Looks like op didn't get what she wanted from this thread...

Instead got her arse handed to her on a plate....

Will fall on deaf ears though. We all know that!

PeacefulPottering · 01/04/2022 20:36

I think you ABU to be "appalled"
Maybe a wee bit cross but you have to bear in mind a lot of people who work in a charity shop are volunteering and may have mental health issues, hidden disabilities or just a bit older and not get out much. Older people were definitely used to parenting each others kids and if she was of this generation would have felt it quite reasonable to "help"
You do sound over the top with being appalled! Don't complain about her though over something and nothing that you have escalated to a major incidents....she may really need the role. Just take your kid outside next time.

SirChenjins · 01/04/2022 20:39

@SaxendaSummer

Looks like op didn't get what she wanted from this thread...

Instead got her arse handed to her on a plate....

Will fall on deaf ears though. We all know that!

Of course she did - it’s AIBU. It’s the law on MN, everyone knows that.
Original poster
User199999 · 01/04/2022 20:39

@SaxendaSummer definitely won’t fall on death ears as I’ve already said several times thank you for the opinions and also I’ve said that I understand I should of took her out

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 01/04/2022 20:40

why dont you take her on your own op.
have courage
particularly since your dm didnt appear to help you

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