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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To he appalled at this experience today

361 replies

User199999 · 01/04/2022 18:23

Hi.

I understand this sounds quite unbelievable but it is a genuine experience from today.

Myself, my mum and my DD went to a local charity shop which we have visited many times. My DD sometimes can have tantrums whilst out in shops, just normal toddler tantrums. Whilst in there my DD got a bit upset and kicked off a bit and was crying/throwing herself around. I knelt down and tried to calm her down. Next minute the shop keeper came storming over and tapped her a few times on the shoulder from behind saying ‘I think someone’s in a bad mood arnt they’ and got right in her face. I was in shock. She then pointed her finger right in DDs face like she was telling her off. I walked off with DD so I didn’t see this but my mum said the shop keeper pulled a really angry face and did a ‘strangling motion’ behind mine and DDs back. DD then got upset again and I picked her up to try and calm her but she got more upset. The Shop keeper said ‘I think she wants to be put down, doesn’t she’ in a really stern manner, like she was trying too belittle me.

My mum wanted to purchase something so we went to the que and when was getting served o said to DD ‘you’re tired arnt you’re and the shop keeper said ‘yes, I understand she wasn’t doing anything wrong but I’m very old fashioned’. I think this was very inappropriate. What are peoples opinions please.

OP posts:
Loginmystery · 01/04/2022 19:59

Jesus Mary mungo and midge this must be a joke

SquirrelG · 01/04/2022 20:00

Does anyone acknowledge that the strangling gesture was very much more than likely done in jest?

Yes of course it was - I've done it myself.

I sometimes forget we have a total humour bypass when it comes to such Serious Matters

Yes!. Pleased to find a like-minded soul on MN Smile

CharityShopChic · 01/04/2022 20:02

But come on OP. You were trying to reason with a 2.5 year old who was - upset, crying, kicking off, throwing herself around - your words, not mine.

You totally failed to deal with this. And you are now in shock, appalled and probably traumatised by a non-event.

Peboh · 01/04/2022 20:03

I'm very firm in saying no if anybody touches my toddler. I would have very clearly said there and then "do not touch my child without their consult" simple. At this stage it's a bit daft to complain, as it won't do anything.
However you really need to get a handle on removing your child from situations when they're throwing a paddy. A lot of people, I've noticed, step in and try to control the situation when they see the parent isn't doing enough. Is it inappropriate? Yes of course, but that unfortunately is society.

RedskyThisNight · 01/04/2022 20:03

[quote User199999]@CharityShopChic thank you but I do not really appreciate you bashing my parenting. I am a young single parent, still learning and I understand I should of took her out but in the first instance I tried to speak to her and calm her down. She had only been crying for less than 30 seconds before the volunteer stormed over to us. I did not ask this question to have my parenting questioned, I wondered what people’s thoughts were to the volunteers reaction. I have been in plenty of shops where toddlers/babies have been crying/having tantrums. I also don’t agree with your comment in saying ‘doing fuck all about it’ because I was. I was not ignoring her and carrying on with my shopping whilst she was having a tantrum[/quote]
People are suggesting how you could handle a similar situation better next time to avoid putting yourself/a shop position in an awkward position.

You describe your DD getting upset, kicking off, crying and throwing herself about, then that you knelt and tried to calm her, then that you had a conversation about if she wanted to go outside. It gives a clear impression of an ongoing tantrum that had gone on for some time. If you'd said she'd literally just started crying and the volunteer then stormed up to you, you would have got different responses.

romany4 · 01/04/2022 20:03

Try parenting your child OP. You should have taken her out. All you have done is reinforced the idea that throwing a strop gets you want you want

This ^^

You're the parent. You're in charge...not your child

Franklin12 · 01/04/2022 20:03

Sorry you should have taken her out. Who is in charge here?

CallMeDaddy58 · 01/04/2022 20:04

@User199999

Thanks everyone for the opinions. You’re right I should of removed us both from the situation. I was just a bit flustered at the time

@twinsetandpearl she is 2 and a half

Please don’t listen to people saying your DD was misbehaving and not to give her choices. She’s a baby. 2.5 year olds don’t “tantrum” because they feel like ruining your day. She’ll have been tired/bored/overwhelmed whatever and at 2.5 doesn’t know how to work with those emotions. She’s still learning how to be a human.

If it was me I would have said “We can stay here with Nanny but you have to calm down. Would you like a cuddle and we can do some deep breaths to calm down? If you can’t calm down you can chose to come outside with me.”

As for the woman in the shop, she crossed a line. She’s very old fashioned. I would have said something to her then and there but I wouldn’t complain about it after the fact. Something like a “Thank you, but I’ve got this.” & turning your back to her.

pompei8309 · 01/04/2022 20:05

I’m as “ old fashion” as the shop keeper , I wouldn’t touch another person child but I tend to be very stern with kids when they throw tantrums, 9 out if 10 times it works . Not sure how old is your DD but to throw herself on the floor etc? you got to put your foot down a little as that’s not acceptable

EndaDay · 01/04/2022 20:07

I think you should be asking for opinions of your parenting.

There must have been people in the shop if your mother was having to queue and why should they have to listen to a tantrum when you should have picked your child up and taken her out.

So, think about your parenting and not the volunteer's reaction. I bet she wishes she had someone to complain to!

IWasFunBeforeMum · 01/04/2022 20:07

A lot of charity shops hire volunteers with learning difficulties, perhaps her odd manner was down to this? Poor you though not a nice experience.

ZenNudist · 01/04/2022 20:07

I never understand why people don't remove toddlers from situations when they are being difficult. No one else wants to listen to tantrums. Fair enough if you're trying to buy something or if you have a bad back and can't physically remove them from a situation. I just used to take mine away from people, outside or something. The change uses to calm them down.

Original poster
User199999 · 01/04/2022 20:08

@CharityShopChic that is because usually she will calm down pretty quickly. I know my old child and Usually it’s just a quick strop and then will come out of it that is why I was trying to reason with her. She was in the children’s toys/books area too so I thought I’d be able to calm her down without the need to take her outside. Like I said I agree I should of took her out because I wasn’t able to calm her down at first but that’s not what I was asking. It was more to do with the reaction of the volunteer. I am certainly not traumatised by it, I’ve just never experienced something like that so I was asking what people thought

OP posts:
BIWI · 01/04/2022 20:09

@User199999 you still haven't answered to explain why, if there was no-one in the shop, your mum had to queue?

CharityShopChic · 01/04/2022 20:11

@IWasFunBeforeMum

A lot of charity shops hire volunteers with learning difficulties, perhaps her odd manner was down to this? Poor you though not a nice experience.
We don't "hire" anyone because that implies pay. And we are volunteers who do not get paid.

Yes charity shops are prepared to take on the people who find it hard to get work elsewhere because of medical conditions, or because of learning difficulties, or because they are only prepared to do X part of the job but not Y.

Our charity shop is fairly big and a tantrumming child is still very loud. Our customers don't want to hear it. Volunteers don't want to hear it. We definitely don't want to hear a parent trying to talk to a tantrumming toddler about making choices. Hmm

Rainydaysandmondays24 · 01/04/2022 20:12

The woman in the shop acted inappropriately.
in my opinion it is the woman herself who has issues.
She had no right to interfere, and certainly over stepped the boundaries by prodding your daughter.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/04/2022 20:15

I don’t think it was appalling. A different style to your style Your main focus was yourDD. Hers was other customers.

I wouldn’t think any more about it. But if you had taken DD outside straight away it wouldn’t have happened

Thighdentitycrisis · 01/04/2022 20:17

Lessons to learn on all sides I think

You should your child learn that you are in charge and not give your child options when she is having a tantrum.

Shop volunteer should learn not to touch other people (or make faces behind their backs)

You should practise not speaking through your child and speak directly to the person you have a problem with, instead of “I think you’re tired”, “my child is tired and I think that is why they are having a tantrum in your shop”

Given that your child is a toddler, you have no idea of the needs of the volunteer and you have control over your actions only, that would be a good place to start

ArtVandalay · 01/04/2022 20:17

I can't say it any better than:

Try parenting your child OP. You should have taken her out. All you have done is reinforced the idea that throwing a strop gets you what you want

oakleaffy · 01/04/2022 20:17

Definitely carried tantrumming toddler out of the shop.
Especially if a ''Full on'' tantrum.

Many people find other people's screaming toddlers unendurable, pick up the screamer, and get out of Dodge.

tara66 · 01/04/2022 20:17

I doubt that taking a 2 year old to browse in a charity shop full of nick-nacks and stuff to pick through with one's mother is a good idea. Child has no interest in being there.

Rainydaysandmondays24 · 01/04/2022 20:18

@EndaDay

I think you should be asking for opinions of your parenting.

There must have been people in the shop if your mother was having to queue and why should they have to listen to a tantrum when you should have picked your child up and taken her out.

So, think about your parenting and not the volunteer's reaction. I bet she wishes she had someone to complain to!

It sometimes takes a while to get from A to B with a screaming toddler. They can be thrashing around making it difficult to lift them. They can be kicking and hitting out. All this is made harder with a judgemental audience. It's nothing to do with bad parenting. The woman in the shop is old enough to control her behaviour.
Libertybear80 · 01/04/2022 20:20

I think the clue is in the 'asking DD if she wants to go outside' . Perhaps the shop keeper picked up on your parenting approach. I'm not saying it's right but sometimes you just have to be firm!

MissMaple82 · 01/04/2022 20:20

Oh seriously, you want to complain?? Move on with your life

FrankLeeSpeaking · 01/04/2022 20:20

Annoying but you're going to experience this kind of thing all the time, so shrug it off.

Agree with everyone else, I would have removed child from the shop if she didn't calm in a few minutes.