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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To he appalled at this experience today

361 replies

User199999 · 01/04/2022 18:23

Hi.

I understand this sounds quite unbelievable but it is a genuine experience from today.

Myself, my mum and my DD went to a local charity shop which we have visited many times. My DD sometimes can have tantrums whilst out in shops, just normal toddler tantrums. Whilst in there my DD got a bit upset and kicked off a bit and was crying/throwing herself around. I knelt down and tried to calm her down. Next minute the shop keeper came storming over and tapped her a few times on the shoulder from behind saying ‘I think someone’s in a bad mood arnt they’ and got right in her face. I was in shock. She then pointed her finger right in DDs face like she was telling her off. I walked off with DD so I didn’t see this but my mum said the shop keeper pulled a really angry face and did a ‘strangling motion’ behind mine and DDs back. DD then got upset again and I picked her up to try and calm her but she got more upset. The Shop keeper said ‘I think she wants to be put down, doesn’t she’ in a really stern manner, like she was trying too belittle me.

My mum wanted to purchase something so we went to the que and when was getting served o said to DD ‘you’re tired arnt you’re and the shop keeper said ‘yes, I understand she wasn’t doing anything wrong but I’m very old fashioned’. I think this was very inappropriate. What are peoples opinions please.

OP posts:
NellesVilla · 01/04/2022 21:31
  • you’ve, not you’re- I have an ancient phone!
SirChenjins · 01/04/2022 21:35

Would you like to highlight any other spelling or grammatical errors in the OP @NellesVilla or will the one do you?

toconclude · 01/04/2022 21:37

@Booboobibles

I honestly can’t believe some of these comments!!! What the actual fuck!!
And I can't believe this reaction. The idea that no-one is allowed to be totally fed up with your or even someone elses screaming PFB is a sign of deep self involvement
ProudMary79 · 01/04/2022 21:39

I'd have poked her back just as hard and told her to mind her own business and left. Just don't go there again. Stupid rude woman. Hope your little one is ok

SirChenjins · 01/04/2022 21:42

Hardly worthy of some of the comments though - but then it’s AIBU, where the first one to shout YABU gets the biggest bingo prize.

Generations back these same posters’ great grannies would have been screaming ‘burn the witch’ from the doorways of their hovels. It’s in their DNA - they can’t help it.

SquirrelG · 01/04/2022 21:44

Charity shops seem to be run by the older generation who are often stuck in the dark ages when it comes to communicating with children.

And that older generation raised children of their own - who are not the entitled princesses we see so often on MN!

Bloody hell, some of the responses on here. I fear for the future teachers/employers of some of your children, who will have to deal with the "my child must never be told to do anything they don't want to do" and "if they do something wrong you must never criticise them" fallout.

Chocochick · 01/04/2022 21:48

I am sorry you got so many unkind comments but it seems to be the nature of the AIBU keyboard warriors who are ready to tear down anyone in need of support and understanding. I would have felt like you did. It strikes me how often people frown at young kids just being their absolute normal selves in England. Like they should be seen and not heard.
YANBU and certainly not overthinking anything. You simply felt upset and with very good reason.

SirChenjins · 01/04/2022 21:48

Oh don’t you fret now, little @SquirrelG - plenty of us with grown up children doing very well in their chosen employment wouldn’t have tolerated behaviour like that from the shop assistant.

NellesVilla · 01/04/2022 21:48

I love a good browse in a decent charity shop, but some sell an absolute load of overpriced crap- often filthy and rank.

AnnUumellmahaye · 01/04/2022 21:51

What were your mums feelings on the matter, have you discussed it with her ?

CharityShopChic · 01/04/2022 21:54

@NellesVilla

I love a good browse in a decent charity shop, but some sell an absolute load of overpriced crap- often filthy and rank.
And this is relevant to the OP how?
PeacefulPottering · 01/04/2022 21:54

Nelles Villa.
It's mostly the bigger mainstream charities that over price the tat. Smaller ones like my local hospice are amazing. But I also think it depends on the area, more well to do areas tend to overprice thier stock. Source; a prolific charity shop goer😁

birdglasspen2 · 01/04/2022 21:55

If this happens a lot maybe your DD doesn't actually enjoy shopping....really why would she? I'd get your mum to babysit and go shopping by yourself so your DD can play and run about and do childlike things instead of wandering around shops. The woman was out of line yes but maybe so this wasn't the right activity for your child. Surely your mother could have just left the item and went outside to, helped to calm DD then gone back to get her item? Why was she tantruming? Tired, hungry, bored?

Original poster
User199999 · 01/04/2022 21:58

@AnnUumellmahaye yes she didn’t agree with her reaction to it but stayed out of it at the time

OP posts:
schoolsoutforever · 01/04/2022 21:59

Yes, I think many parents will have had difficult experiences like this with other people and our tantrumming toddlers. You’ve just got to take them out of the shop/cafe/church/building. It is difficult when people interfere but your child is creating the noise so, like it or not, you’ve got to take them out. I remember with horror walking out of both John Lewis and Debenhams with screaming, raging toddlers under my arms but you’ve just got to do it. She can live without her Nan for a few minutes.

ScrollingLeaves · 01/04/2022 21:59

What an upsetting time you’ve had there. I hope you went home and had a nice peaceful time together💐

I think the volunteers in charity shops are often much older. If this was the case here, their own experiences of childhood and childrearing were very different. Children were more bossed about, expected to behave ( even as babies!) and also it was more normal for adults around to interfere.

I shouldn’t take it personally if I were you. Best just to let it go.

AnnUumellmahaye · 01/04/2022 22:01

[quote User199999]@AnnUumellmahaye yes she didn’t agree with her reaction to it but stayed out of it at the time[/quote]
Was she as upset about it as you are ?

MabelsApron · 01/04/2022 22:02

If I was in a shop and a toddler was crying and “throwing themselves around” I’d leave. I doubt I’d be the only one. That’s not good for the shop. The woman was OTT but I can see why she wanted it to stop, especially as you weren’t up for removing your DC.

mummabubs · 01/04/2022 22:02

So, my albeit my child is a bit older than yours OP as he's just turned four. Yesterday he had his first ever full blown public meltdown in a shopping centre while it was just me and his baby sister (attached to my front in a carrier). Down on the floor, sobbing hysterically, the works. Two young shop assistants instantly came and sat with me to check if he and I were OK, said to not feel I had to rush him out and it was fine for him to stay where he was for as long as he needed. I rode it out with him for less than 5 minutes and managed to get him back up and calm. We spent another 10 minutes in the shop and on our way out the assistants gave him a small gift to say thanks for visiting them. I then thanked them and cried because of their compassion and act of kindness. I'm sorry that your experience was the opposite of mine OP. Mimicking strangling is deeply inappropriate, as in my opinion is touching someone else's child.

Children will display frustration and upset in public places. Those first few years are all about them learning to recognise their own emotions but they often need help to manage them. For me it was more important in that moment to recognise my son was feeling crap and work through it with him on the floor at his level. This meant the whole thing was intense but over in less than 5 minutes. If I'd yanked him up and dragged him out whilst chastising him as a lot of posters here seem to think should be done I can guarantee my son would have been even more upset and taken longer to calm down. And probably would send him the message that it's not OK to show emotions such as disappointment/ frustration /upset.

Summerfun54321 · 01/04/2022 22:02

WTF the shop keeper was a total weirdo! She sharply tapped a 2 yr old on her shoulder and made a strangling motion behind OP’s back! 2 year olds scream, you did nothing wrong.

Porcupineintherough · 01/04/2022 22:09

@mummabubs if you had calmly carried your child out of the shop (no need to yank him anywhere) it would have been unlikely to prolonged his tantrum or teach him not to scream. It might have been top of your agenda to let him "express his emotions" but it would have been really unpleasant for those around you, especially for those sensitive to loud noises of which there are very many in the population (everyone with a hearing aid for a start).

Original poster
User199999 · 01/04/2022 22:09

I think the point I have been trying to make is, yes I should of taken DD outside but the shop assistant came over and interfered only less than 30 seconds into the tantrum and started prodding her. If she’d of been tantrumming for 10 minutes and I was ignoring her and letting her cry whilst I shopped then I’d understand why she would be so annoyed

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 01/04/2022 22:09

You are the adult, you should have taken your child outside. I wouldn't complain but then I have worked in retail and wouldn't react in the strange way she did.

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 01/04/2022 22:10

Tbh you shouldn't have let it continue in the shop tbh. When your child has worked themselves up to lie on the ground in a tantrum, it has already escalated beyond the point of 'kneeling down and trying to reason' with them. You should have picked her up and marched her out of there.

Bahhhhhumbug · 01/04/2022 22:11

CharityShopChic yes lve seen that attitude in our local charity shop but reminds me of when our local cafe set up a play table with various abacus type noisy interactive things and some of the mum friends were dumping the kids there and going sitting as far away as possible on other side of the cafe (very large floor area) whilst those unfortunate enough to be sat near were treated to the screaming, squealing and banging etc. But similarly to what you say as long as the mothers could have their peaceful coffee that was ok