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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask them to text me before using my garden?

252 replies

unassertive · 01/04/2022 16:12

We had a big play park installed in part of our back garden a while ago. I have a few local mums I have over for play dates quite a lot and they were all saying it's brilliant and better than the village park (the village park is awful which is why we initially decided to get our own) I said to them that as our house is empty most weekdays that they can feel free to use it when we're at work just let themselves in no need to ask.

Obviously they are only doing what I said they could, I don't think for a second they are being unreasonable. I've not been well this week and fell asleep on the sofa this morning and woke up hearing something and could see one of them out the french doors sat on the decking and her kids playing on the park. I felt really embarrassed having to stand up and wanted to just hide until she was gone as I didn't feel well or very social. I did pop out to say hi but got stuck in conversation and felt too awkward to ask her to go as I didn't feel well. It happened the other day too with a different friend and I just wanted to go put my washing out on the line but due to feeling unwell and looking rough I didn't want her to see me and she wasn't to know I was there so I just avoided doors and windows. Her toddler fell asleep in her buggy and she sat there on my garden furniture on her phone for a couple of hours and I just felt like I was having to hide in my own house

How do I retract an offer like this? I genuinely don't mind them using it outside of play dates but preferably only when I'm not home and feel obligated to go say hi, chat and offer coffee etc. AIBU if I ask if they could text first after all? I feel rude as is previously said just turn up and I don't want them to think I have a problem having to see them and get offended

OP posts:

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 01/04/2022 17:11

I'm sorry OP but that was a really foolish offer to make. You need to get independent advice on public liability insurance.

Octomore · 01/04/2022 17:12

@ChickinMarango

Could you not just say you’ve worked from home a few times and it’s been distracting so you will let them know on the day if it’s off limits? It may be easier than them texting you as I’m sure they’d come on a whim sometimes (this is of course if you genuinely don’t mind them there on your days you aren’t home). Also discuss the issue of insurance with them and maybe broach that you’re worried about liability if any issues occur.

But this means that the OP will have to provide the group with notice of every day she's at home for the foreseeable future. It's madness.

Octomore · 01/04/2022 17:14

@Ninjaexpress

The other thing is that by leaving things so that your mates can have free access in your absence, so can others who aren't so friendly. You're allowing potential house breakers to get round into your back garden where they won't be seen so easily by passers by.

Also, if you have people coming in and out of your garden regularly, your neighbours won't think to raise the alarm when they see someone going in with malicious intent. They'll just think it's another one of your friends.

MrsGHarrison87 · 01/04/2022 17:14

You were crazy to offer this as you've now lost the privacy of your own garden and over the summer this is going to get unbearable. How are they getting in anyway? Your property can't be very secure if they're just walking in. What's to stop members of the public? You need to put a lock on your gate and make it inaccessible. If they say anything say it's for insurance reasons as others have said above.

MrsB0009 · 01/04/2022 17:16

This might sound completely bizarre but we were in the exact same situation last year. We agreed to let our neighbours use the trampoline and climbing frame set in our garden whilst we were at work. In all honesty, I absolutely hated it when I was working from home as I felt like I was in a goldfish bowl. Anyway I decided to bite my tongue as we'd offered but it soon started with requests for using on the weekend etc. In the end I ended up politely mentioning that although we'd offered we had had a rethink due to me working from home and privacy etc. Not going to lie, a pretty awkward conversation, but it did the trick and they were fine about it x

Samarie123 · 01/04/2022 17:17

Oh dear OP

Were you drunk when you mentioned your garden can be used as a free for all? If not - what an earth were you thinking?

I would go with the fact that you are not covered with liability insurance. You could also lie and say that you have received complaints from other neighbours (unless you've invited the whole neighbourhood

shssandhr · 01/04/2022 17:17

I'd just say that you've had a re-think as you didn't realize that there were going to be so many people using it so often and that it's impacting on family life and your use of the garden and the arrangement no longer works for you. So from now on, playdates only.
And get a lock for the gate.

Don't make up excuses and tell lies.

Original poster

unassertive · 01/04/2022 17:18

It's the sort of village most people don't even lock their houses. We do look our house, but we often leave utility unlocked if expecting a delivery so postie can put it in there and always leave gate unlocked. You have to walk down our drive to get to the rear garden and we do have cameras and ring doorbells etc.

Sorry can't remember who asked for a link it was from Wickey it was called smart queen.

Some good suggestions of messages thank you. I do agree it was a silly thing to offer I just sort of said it and didn't really think it through to be honest. Learning the hard way!

OP posts:

TheDuchessOfMN · 01/04/2022 17:18

Yes, just say that it has been brought to your attention about the possibility of an accident and insurance.

topdot · 01/04/2022 17:23

I'd get a combination lock if possible and make up something about being worried about security. Tell them you're happy to give them the combination as they are close friends. Then tag on something about them letting you know when they're coming as the free for all isn't working. You're going to have to be really blunt so they get the message. Good luck!

Youdoyoutoday · 01/04/2022 17:23

@stuntbubbles

I would quite simply move house.

🤣🤣🤣

CallmeHendricks · 01/04/2022 17:24

The insurance issue is not about the breaking into your house, it's about you being liable if someone injured themselves on your equipment/property.

topdot · 01/04/2022 17:24

Oh cross post about security, that might not work then..,

VerbenaVerveine · 01/04/2022 17:26

Just say that you didn't realise that there are legal implications with letting others use your garden equipment and unfortunately you won't be able to continue the arrangement. You're probably in the same situation as private playparks, which require regular checks and insurance.

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 01/04/2022 17:26

@tealandteal

Say you have renewed your home insurance and need to have a lock on the back gate due to the value of the equipment?

Or that insurance wise as other families want to use it you need public liability insurance so there will now need to be a fee to cover this

Joking aside what if someone injure themselves on it???

SausagePourHomme · 01/04/2022 17:27

@stuntbubbles

I would quite simply move house.

Sceptre86 · 01/04/2022 17:30

It was daft to offer. Who cares it'll it's expensive or better than the local one? You can of course text to say you would rather they text first to check if its free. What if one of them wanted to hold a birthday party in your garden or something similar? What if someone injures themselves on your equipment? Next time think things through before getting carried away.

CaptainHammer · 01/04/2022 17:32

If they are good enough friends that you were happy enough to offer this to then there should be no issue in sending a polite request for them to message you first. Say you’re working at home sometimes if you must but it’s not an unreasonable thing to ask them to message first.

SueSaid · 01/04/2022 17:34

Just say you came home to find kids in the garden so you're going to have to lock the gate from now on, sorry. Then don't give it another thought.

Gelpennen · 01/04/2022 17:37

@stuntbubbles

I would quite simply move house.

2bazookas · 01/04/2022 17:38

@BuanoKubiamVej

I think it is fine to readjust expectations a little.

If there's a group WhatsApp or similar that you can post to then I would post something like:

I'm really glad that our play equipment is being used and we will be delighted for this to continue but the whole 'just come any time' isn't really working for us and there have been a few awkward times when it would have been more convenient for there not to anyone there at that particular time. So whilst the invitation is still firmly still mostly open, please could you just text to check with me first in case it doesn't work for me when you are planning to come over?

Please don't do this. A public invitation puts you in a terrible position in regard to your public liability for any injuries that happen in your garden. It almost certainly invalidates the cover in your domestic insurance policy. So god help you if some kid sustains a serious injury on your trampoline, climbing frame etc . and their parents sue you for negligence.

You don't even know who will be in your garden, whether they are with a parent or completely unsupervised teens , kicking balls at your windows etc.

PlumsInTheIcebox · 01/04/2022 17:40

Isn't it just the most rotten luck that some interfering so-and-so from the parish council has learnt about your arrangement and anonymously reported you to the HS&E? Oh well. It was nice while it lasted.

Phormiumjester2 · 01/04/2022 17:46

I can't imagine ever taking someone up on that offer without the courtesy to ask!

I'd just be honest - it's actually more intrusive than I realised and I'm bothered about someone hurting themselves so can we check first that I'm about to join you

oakleaffy · 01/04/2022 17:47

@Oriunda

Unless you nip this in the bud, you are going to be hiding in your house all summer.

I can foresee this getting totally out of hand. What happens when they invite random ‘friends of friends’ you’ve never met? Granting people access to your home is not a good idea in terms of security risk. Does it not invalidate your insurance?

This.

The minute OP said it was ok to use her private play equipment, my instinct was “ She’ll be overrun”

Massive mistake-‘The road to Hell is paved with good intentions “

Insurance/ security .. just not doable.

Quite different if you specifically invite them over at a certain time-
But no free access.

That is going to get bad in Summer.

Rein it in, OP for the sake of your sanity and privacy.

inkyfingers · 01/04/2022 17:48

Tell them it isn’t working and there have been times when it’s not appropriate. Clearly you’ve got a lovely garden and are really generous, so suggest some play afternoons at your convenience when they are invited for the afternoon and bring kids, have ice creams and a catchup. But it’s not ‘help yourself’ anymore, or worse still, bring anyone else you know…

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