… to wonder why people continue having more children if they cannot cope with the ones that they already have?

[NetflixMom21]

… or am I just being extremely judgemental?

A couple of recent interactions and conversations with people that I know has got me thinking about this. In one situation; the person in question already has a couple of children plus a couple of stepchildren which they have 50% of the time, they are always complaining of having no money, they have openly said that they max out their credit cards to survive and pay their bills every month and are in a lot of debt because of it… now they have just announced that they are having another child.

In the second situation; the person in question has 5 children. The first child was born with a severe disability and they were told that it could possibly be genetic and that if they had anymore children, those children could have a disability too. The second child was also born with a disability, but not as severe as the first. The person then went onto having 3 more children, of which, another child has a similar disability to the first 2. So 3 out of 5 children are disabled. This person now admits that they are unable to cope and it massively impacts on the care that they are able to give their children.

In the third situation; someone that I know was born with cystic fibrosis (they are the first born child of the family). They nearly died as a young child and was only just about saved by a lung transplant which they were incredibly lucky to get. The parents have gone on to have more and more children, even though they know that they have the gene for cystic fibrosis and any child that they have may be born with it too and after watching how badly their first child has suffered. Well another child has been born with it, and suffers horrendously already (they are reception/year 1 age) and unless they receive a lung transplant, they might not even make it to a teenager.

My own situation; I have a progressive disability myself and also a child that has a disability. I know that I will never have anymore children (I am looking into surgical procedures to ensure this) because I know that firstly, I will not be able to cope with my own illness and that is not fair on the child especially as I know that there is a possibility of me having another child with a disability, and secondly; I do not know how much independence my child will go onto have as a teenager and adult, and if I had another child, it would impact on the level of care that I am able provide for my child and that isn’t fair on them.

AIBU to wonder why people in these situations continue having more and more children rather than focusing on the ones that they have, and then constantly complain of being unable to cope?!

@WTF475878237NC

I would argue that people with poor prospects and little agency over their lives don't have the same incentive (and possibly ability) to plan their lives in the same way that those that are financially stable do.

^ I agree. It's like some people just don't plan for their financial future either. It's not on their radar because they haven't had the same experiences or privileges to even know it's necessary.

I agree. The lack of agency has a lot to do with the type of decisions that you describe.

And maybe being curious about why some people make decisions that make their lives much more difficult is a good question to ask - if the question isn’t based in socioeconomic prejudice.

Lots of people make choices that go against their best interest every day - maybe not choices as impactful as the ones you’ve described but most humans don’t always make optimal decisions in every circumstance.

I have a genetic disorder that only came to my awareness once my DS was born. Thankfully we found out before we had another child. And my extended family who also were unaware were told and none of them had further children (50/50 chance of passing the gene on, severity varies widely but can be an awful awful life).

I do think previous posters here have excellent points about why people make choices that make their lives more difficult.

YANBU and it drives me nuts too.
Someone I know has just announced baby 3. They couldn’t afford the first one, it’s a joke. The kids have no real quality of life and are likely to repeat the cycle of poverty. What’s the point?!

You are not being judgemental. Just applying common sense. People moaning about their partners never helping out with childcare and housework. And they cant manage because they are heavily pregnant with no 3 or 4. Just why. I really don't get it.

@NorthSouthcatlady

Oh the irony. I just stumbled across a Facebook post announcing the announcing a 3rd pregnancy. Language is cringe, makes super clear mum has been desperate for a boy -they already have 2 girls. It’s their 3rd child in 4 or 5 years, neither of them work and yep they have a 2 bed place so will probably start over crowding moans soon. It’s like a full house of bingo!

Haha have just had this but 2 boys and desperate for a girl… and the subsequent announcement that 3rd one is another boy 🙈

I often wonder about the people that always show up in local news stories with their sad faces and 7 sad looking kids moaning about how they are over crowded in their two bed flat and how they are struggling to feed them all.
I understand that people can have a change of circumstances but these people often have had three of their kids after they lost their jobs and knew they didn't have the room for them.
I do judge them a little bit and wonder what was going through their minds.

You know, sometimes people are just desperate to be loved as well.

@latriciamcneal

Most people are short-sighted dimwits.

THIS EXACTLY

YANBU

I sometimes wonder that too.
Perhaps, they are hoping someone else would take responsibility for their choices and help them.
If you fully realise that no one will help you, you will only have the number of kids you can actually support.

@Whatwouldscullydo

Morning after pill if contraception fails {Or none used} is definitely an option

Ha is it?

I mean I've taken it twice. First time I was given the run around by hospital ( not a&e don't worry) and sent on some lengthy bizarre walk down a gazillion dark allies to get to a closed clinic ( thankfully a staff member who hadn't left let me in)

And the second I was treated to exasperated staff who instead of just explaining this night was for under 18s ( I had no idea I'd just gone and I could surely have been told at the desk.discretely amd given an alternative option) decided on be loud and rude to humiliate me on purpose.

I can honestly say if I was weaker mentally id have just walked out. People I these clinics aren't supoosed to be judgemental given what they must deal with.

Amd that's befire we get to the fact that pharamaciats amd drs can refuse to sell/prescribe it.

When do men get turned down for viagra
or condoms incase it's not their wife they are shagging.

Maybe it's not as easy an.optiom as people believe

If staff are rude or judgemental, surely report them?

It isn't their place to pass judgement, it isn't an abortion, it prevents pregnancy occurring.

It is meant to be a lot more accessible nowadays. {Had one years ago, and it was just a case of getting a prescription from GP.
However, I do remember the female pharmacist saying ''MISS'' Oakleaffy

With emphasis .

Yes, I wonder this too. The same as I wonder about a whole host of lifestyle choices other people make that are different from my own. And I'm sure they wonder about mine too. Such is the nature of a society comprised of all different types of people who have the free will to run their lives largely as they see fit.

@berksandbeyond l did wonder if this would happen here. Cue a 2023 pregnancy announcement. They struggle to cope with the 2 and life won’t be easier with a 3rd.

I understand that people can have a change of circumstances

The thing about changes of circumstances is a) they are nothing new, we all know they can happen to any of us at any time b) the bigger your family the harder it is to deal with them. Which basically means that most of us should be sticking with 1 or 2 children. Certainly embarking on child 3/4/5 when you've got no savings, or cant afford house insurance or would be totally stuffed if your partner left you is just stupidity.

@RightOnTheEdge

I often wonder about the people that always show up in local news stories with their sad faces and 7 sad looking kids moaning about how they are over crowded in their two bed flat and how they are struggling to feed them all. I understand that people can have a change of circumstances but these people often have had three of their kids after they lost their jobs and knew they didn't have the room for them. I do judge them a little bit and wonder what was going through their minds.

I bet they hope they will be given a bigger house because they and their kids "really need" it. They need stuff, so someone else has to provide it. Entitlement and lack of personal responsibility.

Totally agree. And I’d love to meet any person who hasn’t silently or vocally judged someone for ANYTHING. all of these ‘I don’t judge’. Yes you do. I’d stake my savings on it.

It's also the people you point this out to op and then they get pissed off! 🙄

I ask the same of people who have already got absolutely no means of supporting themselves.
There was a post a week or so ago from a woman, I think aged around 20 she said. She was asking suggestions on what to do with baby who had outgrown current sleeping arrangement and no space for a cot in the room her and DP sleep in at her parents home. Then proceeded to slam the council as "useless" because they weren't lavishing her with a home for the baby she chose to have. Aside from the sense of entitlement severely grating on me I do not understand why so many people seem to have a baby now and think about the consequences later, then expect everyone else to sort it out.

@BBQbeef

I ask the same of people who have already got absolutely no means of supporting themselves. There was a post a week or so ago from a woman, I think aged around 20 she said. She was asking suggestions on what to do with baby who had outgrown current sleeping arrangement and no space for a cot in the room her and DP sleep in at her parents home. Then proceeded to slam the council as "useless" because they weren't lavishing her with a home for the baby she chose to have. Aside from the sense of entitlement severely grating on me I do not understand why so many people seem to have a baby now and think about the consequences later, then expect everyone else to sort it out.

This too, exactly!,!!!

It's when parents have children removed over and over but have more children in the hope they will keep the next one despite being in the exact same circumstances that led to the previous outcome.

@Manekinek0

Look back through history. People have always had children, even in the darkest of times, or we wouldn't be here today.

In the past, people didn't have a lot of choice about having children. No reliable contraception; no safe abortion; if you were female, you often didn't even have the option of refusing to have sex.

People wouldn’t make poor decisions like this if they factored in what is needed for their existing kids. I didn’t have a third because my second one had such problems that he needed me to put all my focus into him not another baby.

I really wanted a third child
Instead I had the snip and I still know it was the right thing to do.

@GettinPiggyWithIt

People wouldn’t make poor decisions like this if they factored in what is needed for their existing kids. I didn’t have a third because my second one had such problems that he needed me to put all my focus into him not another baby.

I really wanted a third child
Instead I had the snip and I still know it was the right thing to do.

Exactly!the sensible option completely!

@Boomboomboomboomboomno well, exactly. You gave the situation proper thought

Most people are short-sighted dimwits

While not sure I'd put it so strongly there does seem to be a lot of people with no forward thinking. Also people who say, "don't worry, the love expands" when people have another, yeah the love might expand but your finances, time, patience and emotional wellbeing doesn't!

@BBQbeef yep, there is so much entitlement. I take responsibility for myself, why do l have take responsibility for her? I like the way she was bad mouthing the council, had she ever actually paid much council tax or tax at all?

@godmum56 - I don't think it's that batshit under the circumstances, it's just a way of living your life around your kids when that may be pretty much the only option you have anyway. Plus, more help as they're older and someone/several someones to help the most disabled sibling when you're gone, perhaps - which can be a massive worry.