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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

… to wonder why people continue having more children if they cannot cope with the ones that they already have?

495 replies

NetflixMom21 · 01/04/2022 08:50

… or am I just being extremely judgemental?

A couple of recent interactions and conversations with people that I know has got me thinking about this. In one situation; the person in question already has a couple of children plus a couple of stepchildren which they have 50% of the time, they are always complaining of having no money, they have openly said that they max out their credit cards to survive and pay their bills every month and are in a lot of debt because of it… now they have just announced that they are having another child.

In the second situation; the person in question has 5 children. The first child was born with a severe disability and they were told that it could possibly be genetic and that if they had anymore children, those children could have a disability too. The second child was also born with a disability, but not as severe as the first. The person then went onto having 3 more children, of which, another child has a similar disability to the first 2. So 3 out of 5 children are disabled. This person now admits that they are unable to cope and it massively impacts on the care that they are able to give their children.

In the third situation; someone that I know was born with cystic fibrosis (they are the first born child of the family). They nearly died as a young child and was only just about saved by a lung transplant which they were incredibly lucky to get. The parents have gone on to have more and more children, even though they know that they have the gene for cystic fibrosis and any child that they have may be born with it too and after watching how badly their first child has suffered. Well another child has been born with it, and suffers horrendously already (they are reception/year 1 age) and unless they receive a lung transplant, they might not even make it to a teenager.

My own situation; I have a progressive disability myself and also a child that has a disability. I know that I will never have anymore children (I am looking into surgical procedures to ensure this) because I know that firstly, I will not be able to cope with my own illness and that is not fair on the child especially as I know that there is a possibility of me having another child with a disability, and secondly; I do not know how much independence my child will go onto have as a teenager and adult, and if I had another child, it would impact on the level of care that I am able provide for my child and that isn’t fair on them.

AIBU to wonder why people in these situations continue having more and more children rather than focusing on the ones that they have, and then constantly complain of being unable to cope?!

OP posts:
HappyDays40 · 01/04/2022 20:51

I work with families and do marvel at how people have more children than their house can hold and then expect me to produce a house suitable for sometimes 7 kids when there aren't any in our Borough. Sometimes I have to be very blunt.

WanderingFruitWonderer · 01/04/2022 20:51

@Cyw2018 absolutely! In a way that's the point I was making, that because of the state of the world and its unpredictability and so on, there's an argument to suggest that having any children is irresponsible. But because hardly anyone would argue against reproduction as a whole; then where is the line drawn? Many unplanned pregnancies, and yes, errors of judgement. But who doesn't make those at some point?! It's a complex moral issue. I agree in principle though, and of course, in an ideal world...

Ambition9to5 · 01/04/2022 20:52

I did everything when i had just dc1 but y3h it was completely unsustainable. It was easier to leave and be a single parent. I have as much right to a good relationship with dc as a lucky wife with super supportive husband. My situation healthier than the 2 married but dysfunctional family system i was raised in.

Sympathy to anybody struggling. It can be v hard and you never imagine how relentless it's going to be

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 01/04/2022 20:53

To me all this says that the education for young people is sadly lacking somewhere.

Education IMO should prepare individuals for life not just to get certificates/qualifications.

At school, do kids get taught age-appropriate relationship education, (not just 'sex education') housecraft, budgeting, how to read a gas meter, about drugs, alcohol, parenting?

Maybe some of the teachers here can come and enlighten us about how schools are preparing kids to be useful responsible citizens?

Porcupineintherough · 01/04/2022 21:00

@Cyw2018 my grandmother fled the Russians at the end of WW2 with my mum in her arms. She told my mother never to have more than 2 children so you can take one by each hand if you ever have to run away.

My other grandmother had 3 children and pretty much told me the same thing. She briefly lost my dad when running to an air raid shelter during the Spanish civil war (they were reunited a couple of days later).

Hagpie · 01/04/2022 21:01

The same people that agree that it was selfish of the family with cystic fibrosis etc to have more, will also be judging you for deciding to have a baby knowing /you/ have a progressive illness and it won’t matter if you found out later or not as you’ve offered no such compassion for the family with money troubles. I’m not in that camp at all; just a word to the wise that your attempt to distance yourself from their situations are quite visibly projections/jealousy.

Porcupineintherough · 01/04/2022 21:05

@Timeforanewoneofthese call me old fashioned but I think it's a parent's job to teach most of those things. Not everything can be taught in the classroom and not everything that is will be taken on board.

ExplodingElephants · 01/04/2022 21:08

Because they’re irresponsible idiots.
Yup, I said it and I said it because that’s what I think.

Boomboomboomboomboomno · 01/04/2022 21:09

@ExplodingElephants
Brilliant and totally right!

KosherDill · 01/04/2022 21:20

I wonder it every day, OP. Also why so many chose to have children by shitty men.

RobertaFirmino · 01/04/2022 21:22

@Belladonna12

A lot of this thread is incredibly ableist. Can't believe people are saying that there's no way they would have a child if they had "a disability" and disabled people shouldn't have children.
I am disabled. I think I shouldn't have children. Any child I had would be likely to inherit my condition and there is no way on God's green earth that I would deliberately subject someone else to it.

Then there's the 'young carer' issue. What if I had a child, became a single mother and my condition got worse? That poor child's life would be ruined.

No. If you know your child was likely to suffer and may end up as your carer, it's as selfish as fuck to have that child in the first place. My own DM should not have had me for the above reasons. I will not perpetuate this.

Someonemustknowtheanswer · 01/04/2022 21:45

I agree. Nobody has the right to have a child. Think about the quality of life your hypothetical children will have and be honest with yourself. But people are selfish and stupid. We can access terminations in the country - use them.

Someonemustknowtheanswer · 01/04/2022 21:46

In this country* (UK)

Meadowland · 01/04/2022 21:47

YANBU

Someonemustknowtheanswer · 01/04/2022 21:48

@HappyDays40

Oh yes, been there. Worked in housing and had parents screaming at me that they are overcrowded. How about use contraception or get a termination?

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 01/04/2022 21:48

@Porcupineintherough

call me old fashioned but I think it's a parent's job to teach most of those things. Not everything can be taught in the classroom and not everything that is will be taken on board.

I agree up to a point.
But, if you haven't been parented well then you don't have the knowledge so something needs to be done to break the cycle.

MabelsApron · 01/04/2022 21:49

Maybe some of the teachers here can come and enlighten us about how schools are preparing kids to be useful responsible citizens?

Erm, or maybe parents could consider that “parent” is a verb as well as a noun? It’s not up to teachers to teach kids not to have kids in shitty situations when they grow up. Hmm

tillyandmilly · 01/04/2022 21:51

I agree with the poster 100%

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 01/04/2022 21:53

@MabelsApron

Erm, or maybe parents could consider that “parent” is a verb as well as a noun? It’s not up to teachers to teach kids not to have kids in shitty situations when they grow up. hmm

So who educates these kids then?

Not being 'goady' it was a genuine question.

SockFluffInTheBath · 01/04/2022 21:56

Erm, or maybe parents could consider that “parent” is a verb as well as a noun? It’s not up to teachers to teach kids not to have kids in shitty situations when they grow up.

Absolutely. Teachers see your kids for maybe 5 hours a day. In that time they’re supposed to get them to exam standard in the core and additional subjects, keep them fit, teach them basic manners, teach them how to change a car wheel and how to run a bank account, how to respect yourself in a relationship (snd how to put on a condom), international politics, how to stay safe around drugs, to aspire to higher education, how to make a cheese sauce and how to be a useful and responsible citizen?

MabelsApron · 01/04/2022 21:59

[quote Thesefeetaremadeforwalking]@MabelsApron

Erm, or maybe parents could consider that “parent” is a verb as well as a noun? It’s not up to teachers to teach kids not to have kids in shitty situations when they grow up. hmm

So who educates these kids then?

Not being 'goady' it was a genuine question.[/quote]
On how to not have kids when your life circumstances aren’t suitable? Their parents. School is there to provide an education, it shouldn’t be a substitute for the parents doing a bit of parenting.

RampantIvy · 01/04/2022 22:01

or maybe parents could consider that “parent” is a verb as well as a noun?

In an ideal world, yes. But it isn't an ideal world. People who grow up with poor role models as parents aren't going to be great parents. So many children grow up in dysfunctional family situations. I guess that education could help break the pattern?

SockFluffInTheBath · 01/04/2022 22:01

@Thesefeetaremadeforwalking there will be teachers who make it their business to subtly inspire these kids and plant the seed that life is out there for the taking. It’s not a given though, the jobs hard enough as it is. I trained in a deprived inner city area so to me it was always a fundamental part of the job. It’s draining though and it takes time, confidence and resilience.

Boomboomboomboomboomno · 01/04/2022 22:04

@Someonemustknowtheanswer best answer on here!

Wishihadanalgorithm · 01/04/2022 22:07

I think many parents rely on schools not just to parent their kids but to be their own (the parents) counsellors and sounding boards too. This is not just an issue about socio-economic issues as I know first hand of parents from fee paying schools who look to schools to help them with their emotional issues.

So who does parent the kids? Who stops children growing into adults who make irresponsible or stupid decisions? Schools can only do so much, social workers are too stretched and if parents are inadequate then those kids are likely to continue imaging the same vicious circle.

It’s depressing to say the least.