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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

… to wonder why people continue having more children if they cannot cope with the ones that they already have?

495 replies

NetflixMom21 · 01/04/2022 08:50

… or am I just being extremely judgemental?

A couple of recent interactions and conversations with people that I know has got me thinking about this. In one situation; the person in question already has a couple of children plus a couple of stepchildren which they have 50% of the time, they are always complaining of having no money, they have openly said that they max out their credit cards to survive and pay their bills every month and are in a lot of debt because of it… now they have just announced that they are having another child.

In the second situation; the person in question has 5 children. The first child was born with a severe disability and they were told that it could possibly be genetic and that if they had anymore children, those children could have a disability too. The second child was also born with a disability, but not as severe as the first. The person then went onto having 3 more children, of which, another child has a similar disability to the first 2. So 3 out of 5 children are disabled. This person now admits that they are unable to cope and it massively impacts on the care that they are able to give their children.

In the third situation; someone that I know was born with cystic fibrosis (they are the first born child of the family). They nearly died as a young child and was only just about saved by a lung transplant which they were incredibly lucky to get. The parents have gone on to have more and more children, even though they know that they have the gene for cystic fibrosis and any child that they have may be born with it too and after watching how badly their first child has suffered. Well another child has been born with it, and suffers horrendously already (they are reception/year 1 age) and unless they receive a lung transplant, they might not even make it to a teenager.

My own situation; I have a progressive disability myself and also a child that has a disability. I know that I will never have anymore children (I am looking into surgical procedures to ensure this) because I know that firstly, I will not be able to cope with my own illness and that is not fair on the child especially as I know that there is a possibility of me having another child with a disability, and secondly; I do not know how much independence my child will go onto have as a teenager and adult, and if I had another child, it would impact on the level of care that I am able provide for my child and that isn’t fair on them.

AIBU to wonder why people in these situations continue having more and more children rather than focusing on the ones that they have, and then constantly complain of being unable to cope?!

OP posts:
DixonD · 01/04/2022 13:21

@NightshiftNancy

I didn't read past the second sentence. Yes you are being extremely judgemental, it's none of your business and if you can't lend a sympathetic ear then just stay out of it entirely. I struggled to cope with two when I had a very high needs baby and my son was three. Should I have stopped at one? Or would I have had your judgement for that too?
Yes.

Someone I know has a middle child with ASD. They should, in my (judgemental) opinion, should not have had a third. They have no life.

MrsVeryTired · 01/04/2022 13:26

Agree OP
And like @EdithStourton also work in a school and have to deal with badly brought up uncared for children (who I really care for btw, its not their fault their parents are useless).

Its an issue all over the UK, benefits are necessary but it has created a situation where having a child brings something, housing etc, and these uncared for children are likely to grow up and do the same, its a cycle.

MrsVeryTired · 01/04/2022 13:27

X posted @StEval its unfortunately sad but true

Malibuismysecrethome · 01/04/2022 13:29

I agree with a PP who said about those who are well off outsource and pay for help with their children. The upper classes traditionally sent their children to boarding school and saw very little of them. Not an option if you are poor.

LadyHenryofRawlinsonEnd · 01/04/2022 13:31

We should perhaps inform the daily mail, wot?
A brand new scapegoat awaits, I can see the headline from here....

scrounger parents to blame for fuel increases to pave the way to a perfect tory landslide next election Grin

StEval · 01/04/2022 13:31

@MrsVeryTired

X posted *@StEval* its unfortunately sad but true
Yes they are not led by rational decisions but by trauma related lack of judgement and their own emotions. Also reproductive coercion.
dottydodah · 01/04/2022 13:35

I think often people think " Oh well it wont happen again and are overly optimistic in their views.Or else they tell themselves they "can cope" as they are looking after a disabled/3rd child 4th child whatever .Some times we cope with what we have ,there is often an over riding urge to procreate.Like many things we dont always make the best of choices .

Lovemusic33 · 01/04/2022 13:36

I kind of agree with you OP although some times accidents happen. I don’t think people should plan to have another child if they can’t afford one or if they don’t have the space for one but I guess situations can change at any time? Someone may have had the money and the space for another child but then found them self out of work once pregnant?

I always planned on having 2, was able to not have any accidents (lucky me) and have now been sterilised to make sure I don’t have any more.

I couldn’t afford another, would not have space for another in my house and wouldn’t want to force one of my other DC’s to share, they already have tiny box rooms

Boomboomboomboomboomno · 01/04/2022 13:46

@DixonD

Someone I know has a middle child with ASD. They should, in my (judgemental) opinion, should not have had a third. They have no life.

Totally agree and wonder if you know the same person me and hubby know!

BBQbeef · 01/04/2022 13:47

[quote NorthSouthcatlady]@BBQbeef yep, there is so much entitlement. I take responsibility for myself, why do l have take responsibility for her? I like the way she was bad mouthing the council, had she ever actually paid much council tax or tax at all?[/quote]
Exactly. I, like many others, have had to make some difficult life choices because my circumstances at the time were not suitable. It doesn't seem to occur to some people that the reason these services are so stretched and "useless" is because they are being horrifically abused by a large number of people who just made poor life choices.

ToInverness · 01/04/2022 13:48

I think YANBU. I wonder the same sometimes. For those who have said the op is being judgemental, I think posting on here can provide a good outlet for judgemental thoughts that obviously it would be extremely rude and intrusive to voice in real life. Its not as if she's saying any of this to the people involved. But it is something that has occurred to me several times.

shrodingersvaccine · 01/04/2022 13:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

Mustreadabook · 01/04/2022 13:51

I think if I had a child who I knew was going to die I would like to have another who would hopefully outlive me. But only if I could use genetic testing/ivf to guarentee they would not have the same problem.

1forAll74 · 01/04/2022 13:51

I would feel the same as you about such situations that people have to deal with in life,, but would never judge anyone for the decisions that they may make.

Abouttimemum · 01/04/2022 13:55

I agree OP, 100%. It’s not judgemental, it’s practical.

funinthesun19 · 01/04/2022 13:55

Can’t get worked up about it. I reckon 9 times out of 10 it’s never as black and white as people make it out to be anyway.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/04/2022 13:56

Yab judgemental but I never understand the belief on MN that no one should ever make a judgement on anyone else even silently in their head or else they're terrible. We all do.
If your friend sits and moans about how skint she is, how hard three kids are and how her DP does nothing, it's perfectly normal to have judgemental thoughts when she's telling you they're having no4 and getting married.

Flaunch · 01/04/2022 14:01

It’s ok to judge people who make bloody awful decisions that negatively affect the people around them. Society should do more of it tbh!

Boomboomboomboomboomno · 01/04/2022 14:03

Totally right @Flaunch

godmum56 · 01/04/2022 14:04

@shrodingersvaccine

You are being judgey, obviously. Of course some people are just a bit feckless with contraception and then end up with more kids than they maybe planned for. But *@LimeSegment* makes a good point - society (patriarchy) values women most highly when they fall into line, i.e. are pregnant/married to men/mothers. The role that doesn’t threaten patriarchal dominance.

I’m a (not a brag, just as part of this conversation) high achiever. Bought a house young and single, PhD and medical degree and a good job, emigrated alone, independent etc. Literally none of these things are celebrated. The only congratulations I ever received are for relationships/pregnancy/children. I regularly write research grants that bring in amounts in the 6/7 figures, but have only ever had a well done at work for going on maternity. I don’t need a well done medal but it does send a message that my role as a wife/mother is the only one valued.

Until we value women as individuals and for all of their achievements, not just motherhood and marriage, there will be women who are receiving the message that they only have value as wives and mothers and so they will keep having children, whether wise or not.

and part of the way that we do this is to refuse to be judged and praised for those things. I kind of think that you might be being abit unreasonable about the work attitude....I mean was it actually "well done" in which case I hope you bitch slapped the speaker....or was it congratulations? because what else are people supposed to say? and are you saying that you never get praise at work for a work based achievement? Not for just doing your job but for something particular? because that is plain piss poor management regardless.
RampantIvy · 01/04/2022 14:05

I also judge people on here who complain their DH is a shit partner but are heavily pregnant with #2 or #3

I agree. There have been several posts along those lines on MN over the last few days. TBH I’m totally baffled by women who put their desire to have more children above all else, regardless of their circumstances. If their partner didn’t step up for babies 1 and 2, they are hardly going to start pulling their weight when numbers 3+ come along.

When posters reply “if he has always been like this why did you choose to have another?” they get slammed for being unsupportive.

Friends are similar, some people just don't know they don't fit the safe sex contraceptive mould.

If these friends really don’t want to get pregnant why are they relying on such an unreliable method of “contraception” then?

chisanunian · 01/04/2022 14:06

or am I just being extremely judgemental?

Yes.

RampantIvy · 01/04/2022 14:09

Can those who think the OP is being extremely judgemental defend or justify why it is OK for women to choose to continue to have babies in very unfavourable circumstances?

godmum56 · 01/04/2022 14:11

@RampantIvy

Can those who think the OP is being extremely judgemental defend or justify why it is OK for women to choose to continue to have babies in very unfavourable circumstances?
or even not to ACTIVELY not choose not to?
CounsellorTroi · 01/04/2022 14:11

@RampantIvy

Can those who think the OP is being extremely judgemental defend or justify why it is OK for women to choose to continue to have babies in very unfavourable circumstances?
Women’s reproductive choices must never be criticised though it is of course fine to question those of men.