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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder why so many people here feel like they have the right to deny/grant permission for their partners to do something?

137 replies

Bintymcbintface · 31/03/2022 21:18

Just this really. So many people here have posts like AIBU to not let DH to x or should I allow DP to do y. You're speaking about ADULTS here, people who are perfectly capable of making up their own minds and doing whatever they please and have been able to from the age of 18 when they became a full grown adult. If you want someone/something to lord over get a puppy and teach it to fetch you your slippers or something

OP posts:
empireemmy · 31/03/2022 21:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the poster.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 31/03/2022 21:27

Puppies don't like being lorded over either Sad

Maybe try a guinea pig instead.

Skelligsfeathers · 31/03/2022 21:28

Yabu because in a fully combined lives relationship with children, you can't just independently make decisions and act upon them without affecting the whole unit. People who do this are almost always twats.
If you want to be an independent adult who does what they want when they want, don't settle down and have kids.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/03/2022 21:28

No one has to be in a relationship.

ZenKaleidoscope · 31/03/2022 21:28

Well my husband and I ask eachother for permission to go out because we are basically asking the other to look after the kids. So yes we do have to ask eachother for permission.

TempName01 · 31/03/2022 21:29

Because it usually assumes childcare or joint finances, therefore some discussion is needed, if you want absolute freedom don't get married or have kids. Does this mean you wouldn’t have an issue with your partner for example shagging someone else, if they are allowed to do whatever they want?

Original poster
Bintymcbintface · 31/03/2022 21:30

@WeDontShutUpAboutBruno

Puppies don't like being lorded over either Sad

Maybe try a guinea pig instead.

True, but people are treating their partners like pets by not "letting" them do things or thinking they have any right to do so, ie not letting a puppy on the sofa
OP posts:
Skelligsfeathers · 31/03/2022 21:31

You're talking absolute nonsense

Vapeyvapevape · 31/03/2022 21:31

Is this on the back of the stag do thread ?
Adults can make their own decisions, of course they can but to make a decision that could be detrimental to their family just makes them a bit selfish.

Original poster
Bintymcbintface · 31/03/2022 21:32

@TempName01

Because it usually assumes childcare or joint finances, therefore some discussion is needed, if you want absolute freedom don't get married or have kids. Does this mean you wouldn’t have an issue with your partner for example shagging someone else, if they are allowed to do whatever they want?
I would have an issue with it because in a monogamous relationship that's not the deal but I wouldn't say that I did or didn't give them permission to do so. I'd trust them to respect the relationship
OP posts:
TolkiensFallow · 31/03/2022 21:32

I find it odd too!

DysmalRadius · 31/03/2022 21:33

Because if you have household responsibilities you need your partner to agree to take them on on your behalf. In the same way that you need to ask your boss for time off work or check that your dog-walker can drop off early if you are going to be out - if you need someone else to facilitate your choices, then you need to discuss it with them first.

FloodTheBathroom · 31/03/2022 21:35

So how does it work for you? If your DP wanted to go to the pub every night if the week he'd just go out and you'd just sit at home with the kids and cancel all your plans?
If DP says to me, ok if I go to the pub on Tuesday? And I say, actually no, I've got a class, any other night is fine, what would you do?

Original poster
Bintymcbintface · 31/03/2022 21:38

Ask them who they're going to get to watch the kids because I already have pre-made plans, easy

OP posts:
Mysterioso · 31/03/2022 21:40

That's the same as allowing or not allowing them to go... just pussy footing about with words instead...

Original poster
Bintymcbintface · 31/03/2022 21:41

It's not, it's giving them a chance to sort out the child care they need

OP posts:
Afterallsbeensaidanddone · 31/03/2022 21:43

I think you know they mean agree. It's vernacular but tear the poor stag do woman apart by all means, she only had ten pages of it.

Blossomtoes · 31/03/2022 21:44

I agree. It blows my mind that people think of their relationships in these terms. Letting or stopping your partner do something feels very controlling to me.

SickAndTiredAgain · 31/03/2022 21:46

I would have an issue with it because in a monogamous relationship that's not the deal but I wouldn't say that I did or didn't give them permission to do so. I'd trust them to respect the relationship

This is just semantics. Saying “in a monogamous relationship I wouldn’t be happy with them cheating because that’s not the deal” is essentially “they don’t have permission to sleep with someone else”.

ReadyToMoveIt · 31/03/2022 21:46

Yes, my husband has to ask my permission to go away for a weekend as, in the absence of any other childcare (SEN child), I will be the one doing it solo. Ditto I ask him if he’s happy to take on all the childcare while I go away.

EV117 · 31/03/2022 21:47

YANBU. Although I think it’s usually just phrased badly. I will tell DH when I really am not happy with something or would prefer he didn’t do something - and vice versa. This doesn’t happen regularly though. But there’s no pretence of ‘you’re not allowed’, ‘you can’t’ or ‘I’m not letting you.’ Maybe that’s what people often mean on here, rather than literally not allowing something.
I think any relationship where one partner can literally forbid something or feels like they can is not healthy. It’s not real love to feel that way about someone. It’s demeaning - how can you love someone who you clearly don’t respect? And if someone regularly does things that you feel you need to be ‘forbidding’ things why be with them?

ReadyToMoveIt · 31/03/2022 21:48

I should say that I would always agree to providing the childcare in the absence of a compelling reason why I can’t, but it’s only good manners to ask if the other party is available and willing to do it.

ldontWanna · 31/03/2022 21:55

I think it depends on the circumstances and the language used.
Telling someone you're not happy with something or making them aware of the consequences if they do something is not the same as "not allowing " it.

If I'm entirely honest though, the circumstances (gambling, drug taking, dangerous/reckless behaviours etc) where it makes sense don't make for happy,healthy relationships anyways.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 31/03/2022 21:56

Lordy, it's just easier to use those words - especially for a limited number of characters in a title - than saying "AIBU to express to my husband that I don't think it is very fair he goes on a holiday for 3 weeks costing £10000 two days after I have given birth to triplets".

YABU for wording this like a child that can't understand the nuance of an adult relationship and how there not only has to be compromise sometimes, but that sometimes one person has to be the 'sensible' one.

EV117 · 31/03/2022 21:57

If your DP wanted to go to the pub every night if the week he'd just go out and you'd just sit at home with the kids and cancel all your plans?

Why would he want to do that though? Unless he’s an arse who doesn’t like his kids or partner? In which case, why be with someone like that?
I think if you have to start getting into this mindset of ‘you’re not allowed’ you’re not really compatible. Or the person you are with is just an inconsiderate twat… or you are a too controlling… or a bit of both?