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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder why so many people here feel like they have the right to deny/grant permission for their partners to do something?

137 replies

Bintymcbintface · 31/03/2022 21:18

Just this really. So many people here have posts like AIBU to not let DH to x or should I allow DP to do y. You're speaking about ADULTS here, people who are perfectly capable of making up their own minds and doing whatever they please and have been able to from the age of 18 when they became a full grown adult. If you want someone/something to lord over get a puppy and teach it to fetch you your slippers or something

OP posts:
Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 01/04/2022 09:05

@Bintymcbintface

I don't mean wording, I really do mean people thinking they have control over their SO and that they can forbid them from doing something. There's a difference between saying "hey do you have plans I'm going out with Steve for a pint" to "my partner wants to go out with Steve AIBU to say he can't go (for no reason other than I don't want him to)
Ah OK. That seems very rare though tbh.
ReadyToMoveIt · 01/04/2022 09:08

Ah OK. That seems very rare though tbh

Yeah. Not something I’ve ever encountered. Even on here there’s generally a reason (parent being left with the child is ill, finances etc), even if other people don’t see the reason as valid.
I don’t know anyone who says ‘no you can’t do that because I don’t want you to’. Do you, OP?

AuntieMorag · 01/04/2022 09:12

When my husband says "Is it OK if I go to x on y" it's not asking for permission he is asking whether we have anything else on, whether I have anything planned, whether there is anything else that should be done at that point. It's not permission like a child would ask, it's called being a partnership.

SartresSoul · 01/04/2022 09:14

I think when you have children things change because you both have equal responsibility for them so it isn’t fair for one parent to often go galavanting leaving the other parent to constantly pick up the slack.

bluebird3 · 01/04/2022 11:19

@Myrighteyeball

I typed a response then read all OP's posts and realised they're a fool.

But I'm posting anyway, not for OP's benefit but for those on here whose partners think it's reasonable to selfishly spend all the money and do all the things.

Firstly, money. Until recently I earned more than my DH and for a period he was a SAHD to facilitate my career. Did I keep all of the money I earned except what was needed to provide basics for the family? Did I fuck. He was not working so I could work full time. Had he not been there, I could not have worked in the same way (very full on job averaging about 60 hours a week). I wasn't just 'supporting' him - he was supporting my ability to work and earn more. And I didn't give him 'pocket money' - we just spent from a joint account with joint cards.

Secondly, OP, I don't think I can just prohibit my DH from doing whatever he pleases or that he needs to ask permission to do things.

However, one of your early posts suggests that on should just 'expect' or 'wait' for one's partner to do the right thing - you say "I'd trust them to respect the relationship". For some people this is just never going to happen either because their partner is neurodivergent or for another reason.

For example, my DH's behaviour when we had a newborn was atrocious. He had absolutely no qualms about telling me that he would be out several nights a week with friends, telling me that his mother would be staying for weeks at a time , and telling me that he would be attending cricket matches for hours each weekend.

Of course I didn't tell him he couldn't do these things - he's not a child. But it would not have been reasonable for me to just leave it and expect that he would change his mind - because he wouldn't have. There were many many conversations where I told him what he was doing was unfair. At the start, I couldn't trust him to respect reasonable boundaries at all. This was partly because of the parenting he received and partly because he has ADHD - and partly because he couldn't see why his life had to change completely so a fair whack of ingrained sexist thinking too.

It's great if you can always expect your partner to respect reasonable boundaries - but not everyone can all the time and for some people saying to their partner 'that's not reasonable and I don't agree to facilitating it' is the only way to achieve a fair outcome for themselves.

This is spot on.
Original poster
Bintymcbintface · 01/04/2022 12:01

Oh come on there have been posts here saying that partner went out and made a bit of a twat of himself and came home making a mess and questions as to whether or not they should be allowed out again. That's the same as saying I don't want them to.

People who are entirely funded by their partners, what happens if the relationship breaks down? You have no money to go anywhere, no job to pay for the house you're in or another elsewhere...

OP posts:
Momicrone · 01/04/2022 12:04

Or you stay in said house

ReadyToMoveIt · 01/04/2022 12:06

Oh come on there have been posts here saying that partner went out and made a bit of a twat of himself and came home making a mess and questions as to whether or not they should be allowed out again. That's the same as saying I don't want them to

But that is a reason though isn’t it, even though many wouldn’t think it valid. The reason being he made a twat of himself and made a mess.

People who are entirely funded by their partners, what happens if the relationship breaks down? You have no money to go anywhere, no job to pay for the house you're in or another elsewhere...

Well if they’re married they generally are entitled to half of everything their partner has (house, savings, pension etc), which I imagine really, really pisses you off.

Happiestdogs · 01/04/2022 12:08

Well, OP, perhaps you should speak to my DH. I'm a SAHM to 2 very young DC albeit doing a uni course and I would love to work in the evenings, (especially when I finish study, which I currently do at night) but he'd really prefer me not to as he would rather not have sole childcare responsibilities every night after work. He isn't "not letting" me exactly but I understand what he means so we are compromising and I will work a couple soon and then more in September when we wouldn't be paying out twice for childcare which we otherwise can't afford

He was very relieved I didn't go back to my previous high responsibility and long commute role, and I am grateful to be with the DC, but equally if we split I will currently have no career to go back to whereas his has gone to strength to strength and he never needs to worry about missing meetings etc for unwell children, pick up or drop off times or anything like that because I'm at home to do it. In return he gets to relax in evenings whereas that's when I start my assignments every night once kids are asleep. Would it be fair then that I also had to ask if I were to spend any money? The money for the course incidentally comes from savings which I also paid into pre kids

IncompleteSenten · 01/04/2022 12:10

When you want to do something that seriously impacts on another person, is it not basic manners and consideration to discuss it with them and see how they feel? And if what you wanted to do would so badly affect the other person that they really did not want you to do it then no they can't deny you permission but they can make their own decisions about how to proceed and you can't control that either.

I wouldn't dump stuff on a colleague, friend or neighbour that would increase their load / responsibilities / impact their finances without their agreement so why would I treat the person I'm supposed to love with less courtesy?

Original poster
Bintymcbintface · 01/04/2022 12:13

Someone making a twat out of themselves only has bearing on them so in that case it is treating your partner more like a child than an actual partner. Why can't it be a case of haha you looked like a bit of a dick didn't you, by the way you made a mess in the kitchen that needs sorted. Easy

It does piss me off, it's quite grabby along the lines of people being annoyed their retired parents are living it up and eating into whatever inheritance they feel they're entitled to. Most folk in that instance are of the mind they earned it and should do what they want with it. Why that isn't the case for partners is beyond me

OP posts:
Original poster
Bintymcbintface · 01/04/2022 12:16

@IncompleteSenten

When you want to do something that seriously impacts on another person, is it not basic manners and consideration to discuss it with them and see how they feel? And if what you wanted to do would so badly affect the other person that they really did not want you to do it then no they can't deny you permission but they can make their own decisions about how to proceed and you can't control that either.

I wouldn't dump stuff on a colleague, friend or neighbour that would increase their load / responsibilities / impact their finances without their agreement so why would I treat the person I'm supposed to love with less courtesy?

Again, I am talking about people who feel like they literally have the right to tell their SO's what they can and can't do, not people having a discussion about individual plans and how to work around childcare etc
OP posts:
Original poster
Bintymcbintface · 01/04/2022 12:22

Why did you have kids with someone that doesn't want to be a parent to them? Joint savings you have both contributed to is different from sitting on your arse waiting on your partner to hand you a chunk of money they earned for your pocket money

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 01/04/2022 12:24

@Bintymcbintface stay at home parenting suits a lot of couples, it makes life ruin smoother in a lot of cases and you don't end up like ships passing in the night working days/nights between you. If it works for both people in the relationship, why on Earth does it bother you? (and you do seem really bothered by the whole idea of it!)

As a side note, both me and my DH currently work full time as our kids are grown up now but we've changed according to what suited us at a particular time over the years when the kids were younger, we've both worked part time to accommodate their care at one point or another. "Partner" means exactly that, you're both working together for what benefits your family most

Momicrone · 01/04/2022 12:25

Looking after the kids meant all money coming in to the house was jointly mine

Original poster
Bintymcbintface · 01/04/2022 12:26

@Momicrone

Looking after the kids meant all money coming in to the house was jointly mine
OK so if you get paid for looking after your kids, how much do you pay your SO when you go out and they have the kids by themselves?
OP posts:
Happiestdogs · 01/04/2022 12:28

I don't sit on my arse all day, I look after two small children all day and then study several hours a night. My DH does want to be a parent to them but would prefer not to work all day and then have sole childcare every evening if we don't have to, and although I'd actually prefer to work more in the evenings than we've agreed to I do understand that (and like to see him too) so for this short period of our lives we have decided this is what works best for us as a team. If anyone misses out financially it's actually me and yes I'd rather he took on more childcare so I could work more but I wouldn't say he doesn't want to parent them at all.

Before kids, when he earned more we split it equally and then when I earned more we split it equally, why wouldn't we?

Happiestdogs · 01/04/2022 12:30

Anyway I'm supposed to be studying now during naptime instead of debating this but I've got drawn in by my annoyance

HardbackWriter · 01/04/2022 12:31

@Bintymcbintface

Someone making a twat out of themselves only has bearing on them so in that case it is treating your partner more like a child than an actual partner. Why can't it be a case of haha you looked like a bit of a dick didn't you, by the way you made a mess in the kitchen that needs sorted. Easy

It does piss me off, it's quite grabby along the lines of people being annoyed their retired parents are living it up and eating into whatever inheritance they feel they're entitled to. Most folk in that instance are of the mind they earned it and should do what they want with it. Why that isn't the case for partners is beyond me

Gosh, you've got a lot of hobby horses that you want to rant about in this one thread, don't you? People banning their partners going out for no reason (which I have never seen anyone advise on MN, ever), stay at home mothers, now people who resent their elderly parents spending money (again, not a mainstream or widely supported view...). You're spending a lot of time judging other people, aren't you? Would you say you're a happy person yourself?
Blackbird2020 · 01/04/2022 13:35

sitting on your arse waiting on your partner to hand you a chunk of money they earned for your pocket money

🙄

Now you’re just being a wind-up merchant.

I’m unable to take people who make such flippant and unintelligent comments seriously, so more from me on this thread! And here I was giving you the benefit of the doubt that you were being merely naive….

Blackbird2020 · 01/04/2022 13:36

…so no more from me…

Vapeyvapevape · 01/04/2022 13:53

Now you’re just being a wind-up merchant

I agree .

Original poster
Bintymcbintface · 01/04/2022 16:09

I'm not trying to be inflammatory, nor am I naive. I think it's naive of women to think they're just fine not earning for themselves and depending on SO to finance everything, what about job losses, relationship breakdowns, where will you stand then? Is it not the case that men who are at home all day expecting their OH to pay for everything are known as cock lodgers?

OP posts:
ReadyToMoveIt · 01/04/2022 16:39

@Bintymcbintface

I'm not trying to be inflammatory, nor am I naive. I think it's naive of women to think they're just fine not earning for themselves and depending on SO to finance everything, what about job losses, relationship breakdowns, where will you stand then? Is it not the case that men who are at home all day expecting their OH to pay for everything are known as cock lodgers?
Not if they’re doing all the childcare, which would otherwise have to be paid for if he was going out to work.
blacksax · 01/04/2022 17:05

Goady McGoadyface is alive and well I see...

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