AIBU to wonder why so many people here feel like they have the right to deny/grant permission for their partners to do something?

[Bintymcbintface]

Just this really. So many people here have posts like AIBU to not let DH to x or should I allow DP to do y. You're speaking about ADULTS here, people who are perfectly capable of making up their own minds and doing whatever they please and have been able to from the age of 18 when they became a full grown adult. If you want someone/something to lord over get a puppy and teach it to fetch you your slippers or something

Half the threads on here are about partners wanting to do their own thing at the expense of their families

I agree with that. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't want to spend any time with me, kind of defeats the purpose.

And the number who send their partners out to do errands as if their partners were messenger and delivery boys.

If I say to OH “can I go out with Jane on Friday?” he knows I mean a) “were you expecting or hoping us to do something together that I may have forgotten/you have not yet raised, which we may both consider a better use of time and accordingly I will reschedule Jane”, and b) “are you available to watch DC, as this is not an important enough event to prevail on our relatives who sometimes babysit and we do not yet have a commercial babysitter sorted out who we are comfortable leaving DC with in the evening, so if you have prior plans I will reschedule Jane”? I do NOT mean “do I have permission to go out without you for you are in charge of my decisions?” But “can I” is quick short hand.

@Skelligsfeathers

Yabu because in a fully combined lives relationship with children, you can't just independently make decisions and act upon them without affecting the whole unit. People who do this are almost always twats. If you want to be an independent adult who does what they want when they want, don't settle down and have kids.

This. ^ *@Bintymcbintface* Your points are ridiculous. Of COURSE you can't just do what the fuck you want when you're in a relationship, and have a home and children together. And if you don't want to have to consider others, then don't get married and have children.

As @ChiefWiggumsBoy said

YABU for wording this like a child that can't understand the nuance of an adult relationship and how there not only has to be compromise sometimes, but that sometimes one person has to be the 'sensible' one.

You are clearly not in a relationship @Bintymcbintface

@HelloViroids

If I say to OH “can I go out with Jane on Friday?” he knows I mean a) “were you expecting or hoping us to do something together that I may have forgotten/you have not yet raised, which we may both consider a better use of time and accordingly I will reschedule Jane”, and b) “are you available to watch DC, as this is not an important enough event to prevail on our relatives who sometimes babysit and we do not yet have a commercial babysitter sorted out who we are comfortable leaving DC with in the evening, so if you have prior plans I will reschedule Jane”? I do NOT mean “do I have permission to go out without you for you are in charge of my decisions?” But “can I” is quick short hand.

Exactly this.

For example, i recently said to DH ‘can I go to x for the weekend with Sarah’. It doesn’t literally mean ‘do I have your permission?’, it just means ‘are you ok to have the kids or is there something else planned that I need to take into consideration?’. We don’t have any options for alternative childcare so we need to check.

I think it's too simple to say they are being controlling or needy. Usually this is the tip of an iceberg or a final straw because of a culmination of behaviours.

It was fairly rare that DH and I were out alone on the same night, but we made sure it was in the diary so we could make plans around each other. If there was a clash then one of us would find a sitter. If it was a spontaneous event of course we would call first and make sure that the other was free to stay with the children or find childcare ourselves.

It's not really about permission it's about feeling respected and valued.

It's just so much quicker and easier to say, 'mind if I..?' than to have a detailed discussion on logistics that both are already aware of. You don't just dump responsibilities on someone else, nor invite others into a space you share with them without a nod to the impact on them.
As for people sending their partners on errands, I'm guessing one is parenting/cooking/other household chores that need attention and the other gets to go for milk or such. It's hardly treating them as delivery people.

Agree 100% OP

As other’s have said, when people talk about asking or being asked if they or their DP can do something they are normally just using a shorthand to check if they can rely on the other and aren’t impinging on plans. Which you seem to think is reasonable you just seem to object to the wording. Which is pedantic and so unreasonable and a bore.

After reading some of the OP’s previous posts I doubt the motives of @Bintymcbintface

You're talking absolute nonsense

You missed the bit where you meant to say "In my opinion". As that sentence is very subjective.

I think if you have to start getting into this mindset of ‘you’re not allowed’ you’re not really compatible. Or the person you are with is just an inconsiderate twat… or you are a too controlling… or a bit of both?

This ^

I think there is an element of the way people use language, but I agree with you OP in that I too often raise an eyebrow at all the threads where people talk about "letting" their partner do X, Y, or Z.
It is completely different from checking in with your partner about logistics (childcare, cashflow, etc)

@TinLeaf

After reading some of the OP’s previous posts I doubt the motives of *@Bintymcbintface*

What do you mean? Why?

While I agree with the other posts in general, I do from time to time see ones, or people IRL, who seem to think they have a lot more control than is reasonable about a spouse. And they don't seem to realize it's not usual. I've always wondered if they came from families where one or both of the parents was similar.

Yeh, but you'd be pissed off with your SO if they spent £1k you don't really have on stag do without telling you, wouldn't you?

There's a difference.

And I also quite like sending mine out on errands etc to balance the books a bit for all my wife work

I hear comments like this frequently from my SIL. She’s got the arse end of the unequal deal of balancing free time and housework - clearly my BIL has the upper hand in this, he’s the one doing what he actually likes most of the time. I’m sure he doesn’t care about the odd ‘errand’ he is ‘sent’ on. If he was busy or didn’t want to he wouldn’t do it. That doesn’t stop her talking the talk of ‘sending’ him there or ‘letting’ him do this. It’s all a smoke screen. She tries to seem more in control through this pretence of telling her DH what to do and acting like he’s a feckless child that she can command. It doesn’t stop him doing what he actually wants. If you have a balanced and equal relationship you wouldn’t need to talk such twaddle.

Lolz yea totally agree

See it daily on here.

I don’t ask permission from my husband to do anything nor does he ask me !!

We do let each other know that we have plans on whatever days and if we had a clash where we were both going out we would either get a babysitter or decide between us who reschedules.

But we are both adults and can’t tell the other one what they can and can’t do

This is just mucking around with words. I’m not ‘letting him’ go out, I’m agreeing to be home solo that evening looking after our newborn and older 2 dc. Etc etc

Obviously adults can do as they please. Equally obviously, if they're in a partnership or marriage and they do things their partner or spouse doesn't agree they should be doing, that can create problems in the relationship, up to and including ending things.

If I have strong feelings about something, there's nothing wrong with me telling him so and asking him not to do it. He can make his choice, but if he wants us to stay together, there are things he "can't" do, just as there are things he wouldn't "let" me do, though of course I can go and do them anytime I please, if I decide it's more important than preserving our relationship.

Doesn't seem too difficult to understand.

I hate it when a third party says to you about your partner
'did you let them do that' or 'I wouldn't have let my partner do that'. I think that is more than the quick short hand for logistics. We all say 'is it OK if I'm out Friday' to confirm no conflicting plans etc and are not actually asking permission but the other example is a bit control freaky in my opinion.
But unfortunately there are people, mostly women, who genuinely have to get permission to do something.

I think you're getting hung up on specific words and need to think about the overall meaning instead.

100% agree with you Op. it’s complete bullshit
People on here be like:
My do wants to do something they want to do. They obviously are unable to weight up the pros and cons cause I’ve taken that role away from them for so long. As overlord of their universe - Natural title after we have decided we love each other and are committed to each other - should I allow it?

Why on earth would you choose to spend your life with someone that wouldn’t naturally put their partner and their family first? And then the worst part of the whole thing is they obviously don’t know whether they should unleash the shackles of control so instead, let’s ask a bunch of strangers on the internet. 😂 i suppose it’s good bedtime reading.

I think you are overthinking the use of the wording as shorthand in most relationships to mean we are opening the line of communication. When I ask my DH if I can do X, we both know I am not literally asking for permission, but starting a discussion as to what else is on then and whether that time would work for our household. In a partnership, your actions affect others so yeah, you do need to check it's OK.