AIBU to wonder why so many people here feel like they have the right to deny/grant permission for their partners to do something?

[Bintymcbintface]

Just this really. So many people here have posts like AIBU to not let DH to x or should I allow DP to do y. You're speaking about ADULTS here, people who are perfectly capable of making up their own minds and doing whatever they please and have been able to from the age of 18 when they became a full grown adult. If you want someone/something to lord over get a puppy and teach it to fetch you your slippers or something

@Bintymcbintface

I'm not trying to be inflammatory, nor am I naive. I think it's naive of women to think they're just fine not earning for themselves and depending on SO to finance everything, what about job losses, relationship breakdowns, where will you stand then? Is it not the case that men who are at home all day expecting their OH to pay for everything are known as cock lodgers?

No , if they are home doing child care,house work etc they are called SAHDs. Just like the women are SAHMS ,not freeloaders.

@Bintymcbintface

I'm not trying to be inflammatory, nor am I naive. I think it's naive of women to think they're just fine not earning for themselves and depending on SO to finance everything, what about job losses, relationship breakdowns, where will you stand then? Is it not the case that men who are at home all day expecting their OH to pay for everything are known as cock lodgers?

If one person is staying at home to do the childcare and the other is earning the money, and this was decided together, they are not really 'depending on SO to finance everything'. That's a but of a simplistic way to put it. No, dads who do all the childcare whilst partners earn are non generally considered cock lodger as cock lodgers don't contribute at all.

@ReadyToMoveIt

Yes, my husband has to ask my permission to go away for a weekend as, in the absence of any other childcare (SEN child), I will be the one doing it solo. Ditto I ask him if he’s happy to take on all the childcare while I go away.

Interesting choice of words there. He has to ask permission but you ask if he's happy to take on all the child care. Do you not seek his permission to go?

Bintymcbintface??

Seriously??

Never in a million years would the words "can I......" leave my mouth when talking to DH. Nor would I expect him to ask me permission either.

The conversation would go like this.....

Me "do you have any plans on Saturday?"
DH "no why?"
Me "Kate has asked me to do X so if you've no plans I'll go"

@Dinoteeth

Yes a SAHP has as much right to spare cash as the working parent. Verging on financially controlling / abusive to think otherwise. If a couple have decided in their circumstances its better for one parent not to work outside the home that parent needs to be provided for by the working parent.

Exactly

@blacksax

Goady McGoadyface is alive and well I see...

Ahh yes!

OP, you seem very aerated about one part of a couple not being in paid work because they are taking care of children.

AIBU to wonder why you feel like one partner has the right to deny/grant permission for the other to be a SAHP?

I’m 50% responsible for two kids so I can’t just swan off and do whatever I like. I have to ask my DH because he has to take the kids. In fact I’m likely to phrase it as “I want to go to X, will you look after the kids?” That’s not asking permission, it’s organising childcare. And if it costs a significant amount of money I’d tell him how much and give him the chance to object, because the money I’m spending is half his. If he says no it’s not because he’s controlling, it’s because there’s a good reason why he can’t take the kids or we need the money for something else.

I think the idea of freedom, isn't freedom from responsibilities, it's not permission per se but consideration. Consideration for the other and the goals of the relationship.
Couples tend to have complex logistical arrangements especially when children arrive or employment isn't standard 9-5. Another common problem is presenting the other with a request that is quite blatantly unreasonable and puts the relationship goals on the back burner for selfish reasons. What's unreasonable varies from person to person.
Relationships are a series of negotiations some requests are obviously not appropriate. I certainly think friends and careers always bring dilemmas into relationships.

Going out drinking, bar hopping, or variations on this theme for either party is a popular contentious issue that arises in all relationships. Many, many marriages have and will continue to be destroyed by this one simple seemingly simple request.

God this thread was a wild ride.

All that to come to the conclusion that OP just has it out for SAHMs with husbands who are considerate about their wives’ feelings and their family schedule.

The voting's close.

I voted 'YANBU' because that's what I believe and my OH said I could.