AIBU to wonder why so many people here feel like they have the right to deny/grant permission for their partners to do something?

[Bintymcbintface]

Just this really. So many people here have posts like AIBU to not let DH to x or should I allow DP to do y. You're speaking about ADULTS here, people who are perfectly capable of making up their own minds and doing whatever they please and have been able to from the age of 18 when they became a full grown adult. If you want someone/something to lord over get a puppy and teach it to fetch you your slippers or something

@Obiwankenobe

100% agree with you Op. it’s complete bullshit People on here be like: My do wants to do something they want to do. They obviously are unable to weight up the pros and cons cause I’ve taken that role away from them for so long. As overlord of their universe - Natural title after we have decided we love each other and are committed to each other - should I allow it?

Why on earth would you choose to spend your life with someone that wouldn’t naturally put their partner and their family first? And then the worst part of the whole thing is they obviously don’t know whether they should unleash the shackles of control so instead, let’s ask a bunch of strangers on the internet. 😂 i suppose it’s good bedtime reading.

It's especially fun when the strangers on the Internet tell them that they're being unreasonable and rather than go away and think about their mindset or take any advice, they spend their time trying to detail why they're in the right

@HelloViroids

If I say to OH “can I go out with Jane on Friday?” he knows I mean a) “were you expecting or hoping us to do something together that I may have forgotten/you have not yet raised, which we may both consider a better use of time and accordingly I will reschedule Jane”, and b) “are you available to watch DC, as this is not an important enough event to prevail on our relatives who sometimes babysit and we do not yet have a commercial babysitter sorted out who we are comfortable leaving DC with in the evening, so if you have prior plans I will reschedule Jane”? I do NOT mean “do I have permission to go out without you for you are in charge of my decisions?” But “can I” is quick short hand.

This most of the time "Can I go" is a polite way of saying I'm going unless it's interfering with other plans that are forgotten about. DH sent a text asking could he go to the pub that night, while my mum was in the car, she questioned why he asked too. Yet I thought it was a perfectly normal question.

I also imagine that in households with a tight budget its also about spending family money.

I don't mean wording, I really do mean people thinking they have control over their SO and that they can forbid them from doing something. There's a difference between saying "hey do you have plans I'm going out with Steve for a pint" to "my partner wants to go out with Steve AIBU to say he can't go (for no reason other than I don't want him to)

I hate the phrase "family money" are the bills paid and the kids clothed, fed and entertained? Did you go out to work and earn the money... If you've answered yes, guess what the money is yours

OP, you don't seem to have much of a concept of family life.
you seem to see it as some kind of belligerent or combative house-sharing situation.
rather than a chosen way of life, with a chosen other, and mutual support, respect, affection, shared goals and values; commitment.

Op However it's worded hey you / can I / do you mind if I, the question you are really asking is who honestly feels they can say No without a reason.

Neither DH or I would say no just because.
Although his lads sports week has been reduced to a shorter break because a couple of other wife's complaints about time away from home, holidays from work. Honestly I think it would have bugged me eventually especially when DC2 came along.

It's not always about who earned the money, a working parent who's being facilitated by a part-time / stay at home parent cannot hog all the spare cash.

@alexdgr8

OP, you don't seem to have much of a concept of family life. you seem to see it as some kind of belligerent or combative house-sharing situation. rather than a chosen way of life, with a chosen other, and mutual support, respect, affection, shared goals and values; commitment.

Well then I think you're wrong. Perfectly well aware of how normal family life works but I am also aware that for a family to function and for everyone to be happy, there has to be a bit of freedom and for everyone to feel like an individual outside of that family unit and I feel like people don't get that.

How are you respecting someone if you feel like you have a right to control what they do? So many posts on mn are like wibu to say dh can't go out because last time he got so drunk he made a fool of himself and a mess in the kitchen. AIBU to say SO has to stop their hobbies as I don't think they're spending enough time with me etc etc it's gross

@Dinoteeth

It's not always about who earned the money, a working parent who's being facilitated by a part-time / stay at home parent cannot hog all the spare cash.

So you think that someone who isn't working and therefore not contributing to the finances at all has as much right to have spare cash to do what they want with as the person who'd earned it all? Why? Why don't you find the idea of an adult being given "pocket money" demeaning?

It's all relevant though someone working 5 days a week and spending a full day at the weekend hill climbing or golfing is hardly pulling there weight with the house and kids either.

If the other partner was to do the same them they'd be no family time what so ever.

Relationships have to be about give and take not just take.

@Dinoteeth

It's all relevant though someone working 5 days a week and spending a full day at the weekend hill climbing or golfing is hardly pulling there weight with the house and kids either.

If the other partner was to do the same them they'd be no family time what so ever.

Relationships have to be about give and take not just take.

I agree that family time and spending time together is important but if someone didn't want to spend time with me I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them and wouldn't be. Either people work well together or they don't, if that's the dynamic of the relationship and someone isn't happy, don't be in that relationship, forcing someone to do something they don't want to do isn't a good ground for any sort of relationship anyway, people need to come to that decision themselves

Yes a SAHP has as much right to spare cash as the working parent. Verging on financially controlling / abusive to think otherwise.
If a couple have decided in their circumstances its better for one parent not to work outside the home that parent needs to be provided for by the working parent.

Why can't one partner work days and the other evenings so there are no childcare issues? That way both parents are contributing to "family money" and no childcare to pay out. Why wouldn't you want to be financially independent rather than having to ask SO for money to get your hair done/buy clothes? If you go for a night out with your friends do you pay SO to stay home with the kids or would that be unheard of because who the hell pays someone to look after their own children?

Why can't you accept that not everyone thinks the same as you.
If the SAHP is a SAHP because the SO is a high flyer working long days or frequent requirements to be away on business why should the SAHP not be given equal spending money from the family pot.

Begging for money for a hair do really isn't on that's completely controlling.

Are you a controlling man?
Who thinks you should be able to do whatever, whenever you want?
And your wife should be looking after kids all day and if she wants her own money go pull pints in the local once kids are in bed?
So no down time for her while you lord it up?

I can accept that, I'm questioning why people think that it's OK because I don't understand it.

Nope, sorry to disappoint you but I am a woman in my mid 30s. How would the man be lording it up, he'd be coming home from working all day and taking over the household tasks and childcare while the woman goes to work at night. Equal levels of down time just in reverse, nobody is better off in that situation

Young kids go to bed early. Older kids don't need much help getting to bed. Then chill time.

Young kids also wake in the night, have tantrums and refuse to go to bed at all and spend a few hours running about getting in and out of bed or screaming their head off. They also have naps during the day, go to school or nursery so there's a few hours down time for evening working parent too

I think they phrase it poorly in a lot of cases and it's as much that somebody never said by the way next weekend you will be on your own with the children, do you mind that I'll not be there/you'll have to get your stuff done without my help/that you/they won't see me. Or else obviously the money thing- there's a house pot and they could be dipping in. Saying that I do hate the extreme -are you allowing him to go away?- that some people do actually mean!!!!!

@Bintymcbintface

Young kids also wake in the night, have tantrums and refuse to go to bed at all and spend a few hours running about getting in and out of bed or screaming their head off. They also have naps during the day, go to school or nursery so there's a few hours down time for evening working parent too

Not all of them. Not every child who's a bad sleeper (or a good one) goes to nursery or has a nap, that's a ridiculous statement to make. YABU. Childcare, money, partner who is sick from too much drink (and so useless the next day) are the reasons I've seen why posters don't want their partner to go out /away. I've never seen it without a reason. If you are happy for your partner to go out or away for a weekend with no discussion then I guess that's what works for you but most people need to discuss or decide if it works for the family. Neither me or my husband go out much but when our youngest was about 4 weeks old my husband wanted to go out 3 weekends in a row. I said he could go on 2 but not 3. Don't care if you think that's controlling, no way I was looking after our baby every Friday night (and Saturday morning) just so he could go out drinking.

Yes. But also no

@Bintymcbintface

Your opinions are absolutely valid.

They might change though, once you have ‘lived’ 20+ years of parenting with another partner.

You talk of 1 parent working during the day, and the other the night, in order to cover childcare requirements. I’ll take that with a pinch of salt, as you might be trying to be inflammatory, but if not, you do come across talking about family life as if it were a kind of ‘business’.

@FloodTheBathroom

So how does it work for you? If your DP wanted to go to the pub every night if the week he'd just go out and you'd just sit at home with the kids and cancel all your plans? If DP says to me, ok if I go to the pub on Tuesday? And I say, actually no, I've got a class, any other night is fine, what would you do?

That's completely different from"letting" someone do something or not. That's just reasonable communication in a relationship.

I typed a response then read all OP's posts and realised they're a fool.

But I'm posting anyway, not for OP's benefit but for those on here whose partners think it's reasonable to selfishly spend all the money and do all the things.

Firstly, money. Until recently I earned more than my DH and for a period he was a SAHD to facilitate my career. Did I keep all of the money I earned except what was needed to provide basics for the family? Did I fuck. He was not working so I could work full time. Had he not been there, I could not have worked in the same way (very full on job averaging about 60 hours a week). I wasn't just 'supporting' him - he was supporting my ability to work and earn more. And I didn't give him 'pocket money' - we just spent from a joint account with joint cards.

Secondly, OP, I don't think I can just prohibit my DH from doing whatever he pleases or that he needs to ask permission to do things.

However, one of your early posts suggests that on should just 'expect' or 'wait' for one's partner to do the right thing - you say "I'd trust them to respect the relationship". For some people this is just never going to happen either because their partner is neurodivergent or for another reason.

For example, my DH's behaviour when we had a newborn was atrocious. He had absolutely no qualms about telling me that he would be out several nights a week with friends, telling me that his mother would be staying for weeks at a time , and telling me that he would be attending cricket matches for hours each weekend.

Of course I didn't tell him he couldn't do these things - he's not a child. But it would not have been reasonable for me to just leave it and expect that he would change his mind - because he wouldn't have. There were many many conversations where I told him what he was doing was unfair. At the start, I couldn't trust him to respect reasonable boundaries at all. This was partly because of the parenting he received and partly because he has ADHD - and partly because he couldn't see why his life had to change completely so a fair whack of ingrained sexist thinking too.

It's great if you can always expect your partner to respect reasonable boundaries - but not everyone can all the time and for some people saying to their partner 'that's not reasonable and I don't agree to facilitating it' is the only way to achieve a fair outcome for themselves.

So you think that someone who isn't working and therefore not contributing to the finances at all has as much right to have spare cash to do what they want with as the person who'd earned it all? Why?

Well, it depends on the specific set up, but for a SAHP for example, I think it’s completely reasonable for them to have equal access to money. DH and I both work full time, but if we decided that one of us would stop working (for whatever reason, childcare costs going up massively might be a potential one) then of course that person should still be able to access money.

What’s the point of being in a relationship if you don’t show any basic respect for your partner?

You are making a lot of assumptions here. “Give them the chance to sort out childcare.”That assumes there are carers available and that there is the budget to pay a carer.

And the complete failure to consider the value of unpaid labour as valuable just makes me think you’re a twat