AIBU to wonder why so many people here feel like they have the right to deny/grant permission for their partners to do something?

[Bintymcbintface]

Just this really. So many people here have posts like AIBU to not let DH to x or should I allow DP to do y. You're speaking about ADULTS here, people who are perfectly capable of making up their own minds and doing whatever they please and have been able to from the age of 18 when they became a full grown adult. If you want someone/something to lord over get a puppy and teach it to fetch you your slippers or something

I agree that family time and spending time together is important but if someone didn't want to spend time with me I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them and wouldn't be.

But again this is semantics, isn't it? You're saying that you'd leave the relationship if they did certain things. Ultimately that's all someone saying they won't 'allow' their partner to do X, Y or Z is doing too. No one can actually force another adult to do what they want so saying 'I won't allow that' is actually saying 'I won't put up with that'.

It's up to you and your partner to find a way that works for you both. If your relationship functions well on a 'do your own thing' basis, then that's great. Most relationships need a degree of compromise or accommodation. If you can't agree on the right balance, it's going to cause problems.

I don't ask my husband permission to do things. I don't grant him permission to do things. We do discuss things though, as a partnership, including nights out as childcare is both our responsibilities at weekends (during the week he's away at work so it falls to me... incidentally we discussed this too before we made the move to him being away 5/7 nights a week)

The recent Stag do thread... that wasn't permission. That was one partner ultimately wanting to do something for their own benefit at a great cost both money and time wise. It needed discussion.

Your argument doesn’t make sense OP. Both people can’t just do what they want when kids are involved. Who gets first dibs on going out with mates on a Saturday for example? It has to be discussed and agreed.

Maybe the reason ia women still do most of the 'wifework' regardless of whether they work full time or not all . And sadly most men leave women to leave the organisation of family life to their partners which is why they do need to ask for 'permission' because they havent participated in any planning

Your thinking is very black and white OP. I've never said that my DH couldn't do something but he always 'asks' because it's a way of saying that he respects my time and needs.

I also think you're very unfair on SAHPs. Why should both parents work like passing ships in the night to the point of exhaustion when they don't need to? I'm sure the parent that is taking care of the children all day (especially infants) and then doing a night shift wouldn't have the energy to go out or socialise.

My guess is that you're a goady troll...

I f you choose to have kids with someone then everything you do that impacts the family needs discussion

So I want to go out tonight, I don't need DH's permission. He also wants to out, he doesn't need my permission.

Kids can fend for themselves I guess.....

@TrufflyPig exactly the kids will be fine sorting themselves out.

Anyone remember the old BT ads - it's good to talk...

Wow, you come back to a thread in the morning and it’s just become a vehicle to slag off SAHM’s. Wish I hadn’t bothered, it was a vaguely interesting discussion until then.

Anyone remember the old BT ads - it's good to talk...

Yes I'm old enough to remember this 😂

Seriously though that stag do thread annoyed me no end. If my DH said 'I'm going to use the remainder of our savings whilst I bugger off with my mates for 10 days whilst you watch the kids', actually he would never say that, he'd know what my response would be 😂

@Bintymcbintface

Ask them who they're going to get to watch the kids because I already have pre-made plans, easy

And there you go! The reason so many here ask the questions you hate. YOU are one of the people that make plans with little or no thought for how it will affect family life.

@Bintymcbintface

Why can't one partner work days and the other evenings so there are no childcare issues? That way both parents are contributing to "family money" and no childcare to pay out. Why wouldn't you want to be financially independent rather than having to ask SO for money to get your hair done/buy clothes? If you go for a night out with your friends do you pay SO to stay home with the kids or would that be unheard of because who the hell pays someone to look after their own children?

And I missed this one entirely! Blech!

YABU. DH and I always discuss things like going out with friends. I’ve mentioned things in the past and he’s looked shifty and said ‘no’. One time it was because it was a surprise weekend away and he was going to propose 🤷‍♀️

Next time DH is deployed to a war zone i must remember to tell him to come home each night so I can get an evening job so I can feed and clothe myself...

How will that work if he's working away? That's a completely different scenario

Doing childcare all day and working all night? Bloody hell! 😳

Boring and very obviously bitter viewpoint tbh OP

Many couples ask permission without actually asking for 'permission' . It's just a normal thing to do. Granted you shouldn't need permission to cut your hair short, but if anything affects or involves the other members of the family I would say most people would discuss it and ask if it's ok . It just isn't as black and white as doing whatever you want and fuck everyone else.

I have 2 cats. I have to ask their permission before I can have my own dinner (their lordships must be fed first and any other needs attended to), engage in any activities I'd like to do, or relax of an evening. I must be up at 6 a.m. as they have decreed it, make sure their litter tray is spotless at all time, clean up after any critters brought in, etc. So the thought of lording it over my DP - well that would be a luxury, really... oh dear must shoot off as the cat is climbing all oagre teh keysbeord...agghhhrrr

Yeah, it doesn't sound like the OP values women that much really.

Side note, but I've only heard of one man ever to have the kid(s) during the day and then go to work evenings/ nights, otherwise it was only ever women .

@LizzoBennett

Your thinking is very black and white OP. I've never said that my DH couldn't do something but he always 'asks' because it's a way of saying that he respects my time and needs.

I also think you're very unfair on SAHPs. Why should both parents work like passing ships in the night to the point of exhaustion when they don't need to? I'm sure the parent that is taking care of the children all day (especially infants) and then doing a night shift wouldn't have the energy to go out or socialise.

My guess is that you're a goady troll...

I literally meant that some people think that they can forbid their partner from doing something and gave examples of things I've seen in other threads, not having a discussion about things.

Why should one parent carry the whole financial burden? How is that fair

Why should one parent carry the whole financial burden? How is that fair

Because the other one is carrying the childcare burden?
Why does bother you how other families organise their finances? I couldn’t give a shit who pays for things in other peoples relationships, it doesn’t affect me 🤷🏻‍♀️

If my partner went out with his mates every weekend without asking if I minded ie came home every Friday and told me he's off out regardless of my plans , I would be questioning the whole relationship tbh as it would show how little he thought of me .

No one is saying that 1 parent should carry the total financial burden. Some families are set up this way, others not, depending on their circumstances, personal preferences etc…

For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re being goady. I think you have a very idealistic view of family life though. Do you have children with a partner? A lot of people (including me pre-kids) have very idealistic views, which go out of the window when the reality of family life hits….