Unsafe to go to Kenya, Uganda and Rwanda as a queer woman?

[idiotwhoworries]

I have a new job in the third sector. Very much in the future, there are opportunities for work (not permanently, but for short term projects) in several countries in Africa.

I'm married to a woman and feel so stupid because I can't safely go and work there at all, can I? Perhaps Rwanda but not the others?

I have obviously known for a long, long time why this would be problematic in theory, but it's never been relevant personally before and only now I actually have this job and the potential opportunity on the horizon am I thinking of the reality.

If any immigration officials either looked at my phone or questioned me ("are you married?" "what is your spouse's name?") they would know quick enough I am in a same sex marriage and while I imagine they can turn a blind eye and ignore - that seems like a big gamble?

Don’t go.
It’s not safe

@Crazykatie

My experience after travelling in 6 African countries is that “westerners” are treated with more respect than locals but if you were to get involved in any kind of controversial activity you would be going home quickly.

As for safety in general, don’t go out unaccompanied at night, otherwise it’s OK. As an example in Zambia I met 2 French women, mid 20s, cycling from Addis Ababa to Capetown, no problem they arrive at a village enroute, asked where they could camp, they were always offered every hospitality including food. Where in Europe would you get that welcome.

Westerners are held to the same standards as an African woman would be. Yes, people will still disapprove, but I genuinely don't think your safety would be compromised. It's just how it is: they won't care that much because it's known that it's the norm over here, same as if you said you had pre-marital sex or whatever

That should be different standards (I agree with post above!)

"I'm going to Eastern Europe/Deep south of America. Do you think that's safe as a [n-word]". Would you say that? No. Because it's offensive. However much it has allegedly been "reclaimed".

@Aichek

If she was 'discovered' nothing would happen though. Not as an aid worker from overseas in any of those countries. I live in a country where it is illegal to be gay. I know absolutely oodles of gay NGO workers here. There's a vibrant gay scene and LGBT+ local NGOs. It's not without difficulty for highly visible local activists at all, and they are sometimes arrested. It does not happen to overseas aid workers because the government knows full well they would have a diplomatic incident on their hands and they frankly couldn't be bothered.

Congratulations on your new job OP. If it helps, I used to pretend I was married (and wore a cheap ring) when travelling. I work in an Arab country now and while DP and I are not married people just assume we are and I let them. People will assume the norm- if you mention a partner people will think they are male. I really can't see why you would need to go into it.

I'm sorry people have been horrible to you- I'm an aid worker too and Mumsnet not only really hates us, it also assumes we have no critical faculties (instead of grappling with these questions daily). I work on Human Rights and so of course the work is where HR abuses are worse- I can't very well say I won't go to those places. Enjoy your new job, it sounds great

Thank you! It's interesting that you mention the thriving gay scene, despite it being illegal where you work. That mirrors what some friends have said about other countries they visited.

I mean, obviously if I do go I won't be going to any gay events myself, but it's heartening to hear of lgbt culture persisting and people going about their business, even in the most adverse of circumstances.

@BlueLaces

I've worked in/visited all of the countries you mention OP. I'm a straight woman, but I was never asked about my husband/marital status at immigration. I wasn't often asked about my husband in country either - people I met were more focussed on the fact that I didn't have kids. That was a big deal and something they struggled to understand.

My gay male colleague who also worked in one of those countries never mentioned his partner at all in conversation. If anyone assumed he was married (to a woman) he didn't correct them - he felt that it wasn't a risk worth taking.

Thank you, this is helpful to know you were never asked at immigration. Interesting to hear that people focused on you not having kids.

@bellinisurge

"If someone is using the word about themselves they’re hardly going to offend themselves." Are you going to use the N word?

Obviously not you dipstick. I would not presume to tell a Black person that they cannot use it though, because I’m not a complete idiot as you obviously are.

@bellinisurge in the words of Elsa, Let it Go!
Plenty of gay men and women use the word queer.
Your hang ups about the word are not relevant to this thread!

Have you asked your employer how they manage these situations and what support they have put in place?

It’s totally safe in Kenya. Even if you held hands people would think you were sisters / friends & there just isn’t the same animosity towards gay women as there is to gay men. However you would be expected to keep your relationship under wraps & your spouse may not be welcomed in the same way as others would.

@bellinisurge

"I'm going to Eastern Europe/Deep south of America. Do you think that's safe as a [n-word]". Would you say that? No. Because it's offensive. However much it has allegedly been "reclaimed".

Here’s a better analogy:

If you heard a black person say that word, would you go up to them and demand they stop? I doubt it. You don’t get to dictate what anyone else refers to themselves at. You may find it offensive, but that’s entirely your issue to deal with. It’s not OP’s problem.

I’m sure you’ll cope.

You g friend of mine is gay and has worked and studied in Uganda. He is white British. He wants to go back. His mum is worried for the reasons you are OP bit he loves the country and is determined. I imagine he would go alone tho, leaving his partner here in the UK at least initially. So yes... worrying but it doesn't stop people. And I guess you g friend has a certain amount of white privilege which may protect him? I dunno...