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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have followed this teen girl?

235 replies

FrightorFlight · 31/03/2022 13:29

On the school run yesterday I had to run into the supermarket to grab some bits. As I drove around the car park towards the exit I saw a teenage girl in school uniform talking to an adult male. She looked a little uncomfortable and upset. Halfway down the next row of cars I decided to swing back past and see if she had gone. She was walking ahead of the man who then veered off towards the supermarket doors and her in the opposite direction.
She was on the phone and visibly upset. The way the car park works you end up driving past the path the girl exited on. As she crossed the road she finished on her phone so I pulled over and wound my window down (pressed my window down?) and asked if she was ok. Just explained I had seen her talking to the guy, did she know him? She said it was her boss and I commented that she seemed a bit upset. Turns out she had lost her bank card.
Once we got home I was telling Dh and said 'is it weird that I did that?'
Dh says 'yeah, a bit'
Dd1 who is 16 then tells me her and her two friends were approached close to where we were by three adult males on Saturday afternoon. So on one hand it could have been something sinister and on the other hand I'm following a girl round a car park!

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 31/03/2022 17:11

You sound kind. You’ve just asked if she was ok and she’s said yes. Fine to check anyone is ok in those circumstances you’ve not been weird at all.

VyeBrator · 31/03/2022 17:11

I don't believe you think for a second you think you did the wrong thing or that it was weird, especially given the updates about your DD, but well done anyway.

Justleaveitblankthen · 31/03/2022 17:21

@StopStartStop

The other day I saw two boys, aged about 14, with a third boy up against a wall, punching him. I stopped the car on the opposite side of the street, and fixed them with my stony former-teacher/mum/grandma/concerned citizen gaze. They stopped what they were doing and waved to reassure me all was well. Recently I've driven round the same block twice to check on a teenager alone (her lift arrived) and stopped to watch a van until the driver sped off because he was talking to a young teenager and she looked nervous.

Yes, I'm a nosey old woman. But we have to be. We need 'the mother feeling for all the youth' because they're ours, the future of our communities and we are all responsible for keeping them safe.

So, well done OP and everyone else looking after young people. That's what decent adults do.

But what happened with the boy that was being punched? Sad

SlightlyJaded · 31/03/2022 17:24

I have done stuff like this on several occasions. It is everyone's responsibility to look out for other humans.

Mostly it's for girls, but I once pretended to know a teenage boy who was clearly being harassed by some older teenage boys - who were possibly about to rob him. I called out 'Hey - how are you? How's your mum?' and he looked at me like I was mad. I tried to communicate with my eyes and then I called him over to the car saying something like "oh can you give your mum a message from me?". As he walked over, the older boys dispersed and I asked him if he wanted to stay and talk to me for a while or make a call from the car. He called his mates to come and get him and although he was embarrassed and a bit mumbly, he was definitely grateful.

I hope someone would intervene for my DS or DD in the same situation.

Whatsmyname100 · 31/03/2022 17:28

Even if you had rhe wrong end of the stick, the worst would have happened is that you misjudged the situation. You could have helped the teen if she was in a bad situation so you absolutely did the right thing. We should be on the look out for each other's children.

RobotValkyrie · 31/03/2022 17:32

It can be a tough call to make (am I being nosy/stalkerish, am I putting myself in danger, am I making the situation worse)

But I believe in general, the world could do with more Good Samaritans, who don't look the other way when they spot something that might be wrong.

I'm always ultra-aware of kids who look like they're wandering around with no adult in sight. Usually the parent is actually not far behind. But I stopped a wandering toddler from running into a road once. Parents had just moved in, were busy unpacking, and hadn't noticed the front door and garden gate were left open. This one time made up for all the times when my worries were misplaced.
Sometimes I think about the times when I spotted a lone child but didn't stop and check (back when I was younger and less confident). I don't want more of these regrets.

NoWigNoWit · 31/03/2022 17:34

Absolutely not unreasonable in the slightest! If this was my daughter I’d be so grateful you checked

MuggleMadness · 31/03/2022 17:40

You 100% did the right thing.

Your DH, has the luxury of being male and rarely, if ever, being/feeling scared/unsafe, let alone actually getting hurt/raped, even 'the good guys' get to live in a different world.

I definitely do stuff like this with people of all ages, if something doesn't look right. Mostly been thanked, occasionally been told to fuck off, occasionally the person has needed help...the people that have told me to mind my own/fuck off, don't deter me. (I've always made sure the fuck off/I'm fine wasnt through fear if the abuser as well)

It's good to know so many people are still looking out for others!!

TyrannosaurusRegina · 31/03/2022 17:42

You did the right thing. Your husband is perhaps looking at it from a male perspective where, as a man, it might look weird if he had done the same. You definitely did the right thing.

FlickyCrumble · 31/03/2022 17:42

I don’t think it’s weird I would have done the same thing. I see so many men letching over young girls and it turns my stomach.

BlackeyedSusan · 31/03/2022 17:44

@AHungryCaterpillar

So I said I don’t want trouble brought to me when I’m with my children? Far better to approach another lone female than someone with kids im not sure what help she would think a person with kids could do against a man, I think that’s actually bad advice and kids shouldn’t be brought into it.
I think they mean the young girls should be looking for someone like their mum. You are probably too young and probably one of those us middle age menopausal women are looking out for.
AHungryCaterpillar · 31/03/2022 17:46

Oh fair enough I misread it then So apologise! That would make more sense.

toomanytwinkies · 31/03/2022 17:46

No not at all!

Me and a friend were jogging on eve and we passed a man stood in a side street. Just stood there looking out to the Main Street) didn’t think anything of it until we turn jogged passed a young woman (early 20s?) just walking along the road. Something clicked and we both instinctively stopped and slowly walked back along the road behind her (a distance behind) We walked behind her until she passed the man in the side street and then she crossed the road and went into one of the houses.

We never know if that man was just waiting for a lift but it was weird how he was so hidden. The woman will never know we were behind her but we would never have forgiven ourselves if we hadn’t have checked on her.

GrandTheftWalrus · 31/03/2022 17:54

Me and dh were coming home from a night out about 2am and saw a young girl sitting in a bus stop clearly upset. He phoned the police and I sat with her till they arrived. She was very drunk as well. I'd went into the house to go to the loo while dh kept an eye and phoned and he said in the 10 mins I was away there was a car full of men who kept driving past very slowly. He wasn't standing beside her as to not spook her.

tommyhoundmum · 31/03/2022 17:54

You did the right thing.

At 75 I'd have done the same.

NdefH81 · 31/03/2022 18:03

* He's a lovely bloke but he's a man*

YOUR man
But my brother
My father
My uncle
My ex husband
NONE of them would have said or thought I was odd to have done what you did

Isonthecase · 31/03/2022 18:04

I've done the same in the past and equally have wished other people would have done it for me more.

Winkydink · 31/03/2022 18:13

When I was 16 fleeing an awful row (violence) at home, walking down the street in floods of tears, someone pulled over to check I was Ok. I said I was (not really) but it helped me realise that people cared and meant a lot to me. I still remember it clearly now. I'm glad you did this OP.

BOOTS52 · 31/03/2022 18:22

You did a really good thing and better that you checked she was ok. So much abuse of women lately and murders/stabbings/rapes it is gone way out of control and young girls being trafficked. If you did not check on her you would always have it in your mind. If I had a daughter would like to think there are caring women like you around to check that young women are safe. You did a great thing and sound very caring.

Thewindwhispers · 31/03/2022 18:35

You were brilliant OP.

If you’d offered her a lift, that would have been creepy. If you’d been male, the behaviour would have been creepy. But an older woman asking a visibly upset younger woman if she’s ok is always appropriate and, sadly, often much needed.

Jalepenojello · 31/03/2022 18:45

I’d also do the same. I’ve stopped and asked a girl if she was ok before and she jumped straight in my car and pretended she knew me because a group of teen boys behind her were heckling her and wouldn’t leave her alone. She opted to get into a total strangers car than continue walking down the street and around the corner alone to her home. Its horrific.

LizzieW1969 · 31/03/2022 18:57

My DDs are growing up now, at 13 and 10. I’d be very grateful if someone looked out for them in this way. Well done for doing what you did, OP.

CPL593H · 31/03/2022 19:15

Much, much better to ask and for it to be nothing than ignore.

I remain grateful for the few women and men who asked "You alright love?" when being hassled by drunks at taxi ranks, etc in my youth.

Ionlydomassiveones · 31/03/2022 19:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

AnnaSW1 · 31/03/2022 19:26

It's fine. I've walked up to a girl and pretended I was her aunty to a guy that was hassling her once. She was so grateful. I just try to do what I would hope someone would do for my child if they needed help.